tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30064545967355053732024-03-14T02:38:34.400-05:00UnwrittenHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.comBlogger365125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-53718218061267443422024-02-21T22:05:00.002-06:002024-02-21T22:05:32.291-06:00The Clinical Trial<p>Everyone is dying. Some of us are just doing it faster than others.</p><p>Today was exhausting. We were up at 6:00 am to eat breakfast at the hotel. Mom's CT was at 9 and she was supposed to be done eating at least 2 hours before.</p><p>So, 6:30 am breakfast it was. At 8:15 am she had a blood draw and urine analysis. They were late. This should have been my first omen for how the day would go. They are never late at Mayo. </p><p>It was 9:00 am on the dot when she got done. As I wheeled her as quickly as I could to the building next door she casually mentioned that she couldn't really full her urine cup. Omen #2. She has lymphoma. She can always fill a urine cup in the morning. </p><p>We made it to her CT by 9:10. They didn't call her name until 9:30. Late again. They gave her her contrast. Two bottles to drink. One by 10 & the 2nd by 10:20 am. Her ECG was scheduled at 10:20. Not happening. </p><p>Her CT finished up around 10:40 and we hussled over to her ECG. About 11:15 all her testing was finally over.</p><p>We grabbed some lunch at a nearby restaurant and then settled in to the waiting room for an hour before she met with the clinical trial team.</p><p>First it was the nurse who broke the news that all her tests looked great except her kidney function. Those levels were too high. Was she dehydrated? We weren't sure. But there was bacteria in her urine. The start of a UTI? Perhaps.</p><p>This was strike 1, but not necessarily a deal breaker. Push fluids, take antibiotics, & retest on Friday. Still start the trial on Monday.</p><p>Then came the real blow. The nurse came back to drop the bomb. The biopsy sample they did on 01/08 at home did not contain enough tumor tissue for them to test. They were going to try to re-run the test but the most likely scenario: she will have to have a new biopsy.</p><p>This pushes her start date back to 03/04 at a minimum. This is best case scenario. Otherwise it could be 03/11 before she can start. Which means some tests that only last 14 days fir the purpose of this study may also have to be redone.</p><p>We left Mayo about 4 pm feeling completely defeated. Her scans show the tumors are continuing to grow, only millimeters, but still growing.</p><p>But more than that, at least for mom, it's the constant pain and the still not knowing if there's a possible treatment in sight.</p><p>She cried most if the way home. Wouldn't talk when her best friend or my sister called.</p><p>She's tired. We're all tired.</p><p>I'm hoping a good night's sleep will give us all some clarity and perspective. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.</p>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-6548543603744326292024-02-20T22:38:00.003-06:002024-02-20T22:46:45.590-06:00The Process of Dying<p> I've been away too long to try to update this space in any sort of manner. Over 10 years of things and life has happened. However, these last 7 weeks have really thrown us all for a loop and it's just made me think about how I need a space to just write it all down.</p><p>I'm fairly certain no one in my current life even knows this space exists and if they did know at some point, they sure aren't looking for new content here. Which is, for the time being, probably all for the best. Just writing out into the great unknown seems like the best course of action for right now.</p><p>So, why am I here? My mother is dying. Well, she has been for quite a while now, but things just sort of took a nose dive a little over 7 weeks ago. And as I'm walking this road I'm finding that this process is often mis-understood by lots of people.</p><p>When she nose dived on the 29th of December, I took a partial leave of absence from my job. In the past 7 weeks she hasn't really gotten better. Just less critical. However, it feels like to some people in my life, she's either actively dying or she's fine. This lingering in the middle is what no one seems to understand.</p><p>You've got the people who try to be nice with the, "I hope she gets better soon." My gut punch response is always, she has stage 4 cancer, there's not really any "getting better" at this point. However, no one wants to drag people who are just trying to be nice into that so I just nod & smile and say thank you.</p><p>Then there's the people who feel like since she's not actively dying I should be fine to be back to life as normal. I don't know how to get that camp of people to understand that this process could be months. And in those months, no, I can't make plans. No, I have NO idea what tomorrow will bring. Everything right now is day by day.</p><p>Currently, I'm sitting in a hotel room in Rodchester, MN waiting to go with her and my dad to a series of tests tomorrow to determine if she is able to participate in a clinical trial. A last ditch effort to buy her some more time earth side to see and do a few more things before she is called home to be with God.</p><p>Yesterday morning when I woke up, none of this was planned. In fact, I didn't find out for sure that I was coming with them until about 6:30 pm last night. That's what I mean about minute to minute, moment to moment.</p><p>And mentally, that part is exhausting. I'm not, by my nature, a care taker. I'm more of a task management person. This, can't be managed. Some days are good days. Some days, she's in a lot of pain and I'm babysitting a 72 year old, highly medicated woman who basically is like a drunken toddler.</p><p>For a little over 7 weeks it has been complete crisis management in my world and somewhere along the way, people sort of think it should be over. That the "crisis" part was the first week or two weeks. Now I should be back to normal right?</p><p>Let me tell you, I couldn't be further from normal at this point. I have, at least, for the time being, found a slight balance in my now two full time jobs and part time care giving. I bounce from place to place all day long and then collapse into bed at night and do it all over again the next day.</p><p>I guess if there's a point to be had in this post it's that dying doesn't always happen over night. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, months or even years. And in that time, depending on the situation, it can be a long, drawn out process of one crisis after another. Our medical and personal time off policies in this country do not, at all, account for this. You get bereavement leave of a few days. You get PTO of a few weeks, what happens when this process drags on longer than that. If my job wasn't so flexible what would happen is I would either be fired or not be able to care for my ailing parent the way I best see fit. And something about that, just doesn't seem right.</p><p>It's 10:36. They want to eat breakfast at 6:30 tomorrow morning so I suppose I should wrap it up. I'll be back I'm sure. Maybe give at least a brief synopsis of the last 7 weeks. Sending this out into the ether is, I'm hoping, going to be my next post title. The process of staying sane. :-)</p>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-38898587795388044592013-05-03T14:26:00.001-05:002013-05-03T14:26:50.848-05:00The KidThis:<br />
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<a href="http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2013/05/20-things-every-parent-should-hear/">20 Things Every Parent Should Here</a><br />
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#2 - We all struggle. Every parent. Everywhere. We all second-guess ourselves. And we all want to quit sometimes. Hold the good times close, and when things are tough, remember “this, too, shall pass.”<br />
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Right now things in our house are tough. This entire week has been tough. Something is wrong with Zack and none of us know what it is and none of us know how to fix it. And the struggle through it has been SOO hard on all of us.<br />
<br />
Jim and I try to reconnect at the end of every day. To go to bed in each others arms. To not make this a struggle between the two of us but a united two person front but it is hard.<br />
<br />
He is acting out right now in a way we have never seen. He is lying and sneaking and vandalizing and stealing. <br />
<br />
None of these things are his normal behaviors. <br />
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None of these things we have ever seen before.<br />
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All of them came on so fast and so suddenly we are all (his teacher, the principal, the guidance counselor, us) left with our heads spinning wondering what we missed. What has gone wrong?<br />
<br />
We have asked questions, talked to him, taken things away, offered him things. He has been in the Principal's office multiple times. He had to clean up the mess he made. He had to talk to the teacher, guidance counselor and principal about the things he took. He has had all his fun taken away, he has been sent to bed without dinner, he has been yelled at. <br />
<br />
None of it is working.<br />
<br />
None of it has made one bit of difference.<br />
<br />
So we are left scratching our spinning heads and clawing at the side of the cliff hoping not to fall off.<br />
<br />
I know we will figure it out. I know something will click and we will get through this but right now, in the thick of it all it is hard. It makes my heart heavy.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-9746467108303031862013-04-19T12:39:00.001-05:002013-04-19T12:57:38.814-05:00Emerging from Hiding<div dir="ltr">
Hey, how's it going? </div>
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Where have you all been?</div>
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Me? I've been at work. Working, and working oh yeah and working some more. I am just now starting to emerge from my post tax season haze just in time to deal with some serious behavior issues with Zack.</div>
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So, enjoy the pictures of the adorable one while I deal with the older, more obnoxious one. We are all fine and well and will be back to check in, hopefully sooner rather than later. </div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-66401600143870337382013-01-11T14:35:00.001-06:002013-01-11T14:35:21.713-06:00The trouble with YellowZack's school works on a color chart. Everyone starts on green and then the kids can either move down to yellow, orange and then red or move up to blue, pink and then I think purple.<br />
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Sometime during the down time of this blog Zack started school. And it went badly. REALLY badly. So much so that I spent a large portion of time during my maternity leave asking his teacher if she would just like me to come sit in the classroom to help with him.<br />
<br />
I didn't need to, but at least I offered.<br />
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During the period in which we were trying to get Zack some assistance we were LUCKY if he came home on yellow. Most days it was red, sometimes Orange. At one point during the transition I remember Jim offering to take him out to dinner if he wasn't below yellow. Green was unattainable.<br />
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Yesterday his teacher emailed me to tell me he was having a rough week. He had been on yellow 3 out of 4 days. At first I was upset. He has been doing so good. On green for all of November and December. What was going on?<br />
<br />
And then it hit me. Look at how far we have come. From Green is never attainable to green is expected.<br />
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Then I cut my kid a little slack. In December we went to Disney. He was gone from the 7th - 14th. He went back to school for three days, had two snow days and two weeks off. He basically hasn't been in school since December 6th.<br />
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We've come a long way since September and if it takes him a few days to get back to golden I'm ok with that. If next week is still rough, we will re-assess.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-47703044539126971512013-01-04T07:30:00.000-06:002013-01-04T07:30:03.006-06:00Mornings at Our HouseMornings are awful. No matter what I do I can't seem to make it out the door on time. Yesterday it was almost 9:00 when I got to work.<br />
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It all starts out so innocently. Ava slept like crap so when the alarm went off at 6:00 I was not exactly bounding out of bed and down the stairs. Then of course I have to pump. She can't latch after 10 hours nor can she eat the 11 - 13 oz I produce.<br />
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So I pump and then I have to give her a bottle. By this point it is 6:40. Jim is out of the shower but Zack is still no where to be seen. I go to put the milk in the fridge, realize that I have a bit too much so I need to freeze some so it doesn't go bad. <br />
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Could it wait until tonight? Of course. Will I wait? Of course not... why not add one more thing to my morning. Measure, label, pour... 6:50.<br />
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Jim is leaving for work, still no Zack. <br />
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Shower time, get out, baby is fussing, still no Zack.<br />
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Take Ava upstairs, coat her in lotion and get her dressed. Yell at Zack to get out of bed and get dressed, head down stairs. 7:20.<br />
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Give him a couple of pop-tarts, get some cereal ready for Ava for daycare tell him to hurry up and eat, keep hurrying we are going to be late. 7:35.<br />
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Crap, he needs a lunch for camp. Pack his lunch.<br />
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Pack up the pump parts and the milk bottles and get coats on and the kid in the car seat. 7:50.<br />
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Drive right past his school, turn around. Pull in, get out of the car, walk half way to building and realize that I forgot to give him his medicine. Put kids back in the car and go back home. 8:15.<br />
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Give him his medicine, get him back to school, drop him off, get him signed in and coat and lunch put in appropriate place, get back in car to take Ava to school, 8:30.<br />
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Drop Ava off, talk to teacher about new diet of cereal, when to give it, how thick I make it, how much I give her, etc. Realize I totally forgot her diapers on the chair in the kitchen. Check her bin, realize she has four and there are three in the diaper bag. Opt out of going BACK home and just pray she doesn't go through more than 7 diapers today. 8:45<br />
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Arrive at work, cussing as I sprint to my office. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be faster. Tomorrow I will wake up Zack and make Jim take him in. :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-72016169361008657132013-01-03T08:00:00.000-06:002013-01-03T08:00:12.178-06:00Her Favorite Person<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
There is one person who can make her smile like this every time.</div>
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One person whom Ava thinks hung the moon and stars in the sky.<br />
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And it is not me....<br />
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And it is not Jim...<br />
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It is her big Brother. Every moment of every day, he rocks her world.<br />
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-45965863412008200602013-01-02T13:33:00.003-06:002013-01-02T13:33:24.027-06:00Finding my VoiceHello out there to anyone who is still reading. I'm guessing 4 maybe 5 of you. This place has sort of sat empty for far too long and I miss it. I miss writing down what the kids did or are going to do. I miss writing down the details I don't want to forget and I miss the interaction.<br />
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At the peak of this blog I had 50 people reading per day. Now, 50 isn't a lot when you consider Dooce has what 50,000? But to me, they were my 50 people. People who loved me and wanted to share in my life.<br />
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So, for 2013, my goal is to try to find my voice here again. To get back to writing and sharing and the whole blogging community.<br />
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I don't know how well I will do at it, but I'm going to try. Will you join me on my journey?Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-12343512927252078262012-12-26T11:47:00.003-06:002012-12-26T11:47:58.237-06:00Mornings with AvaEvery morning, sometime between 1:00 am and 4:00 am Ava wakes up. She is hungry and that is the point at which, even if just for an hour, hunger wins over sleep.<br />
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This morning it was 1:37... but momma was tired... oh so tired. So, I pulled her out of her co-sleeper and into bed with me. She snuggled right in and the next thing I knew it was 3:50.<br />
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I looked down, realized that she seemed to be pretty well passed out and so I slid her over to her co-sleeper and debated on whether I could go another 2 hours before I pumped. At 4:05 she answered that question for me so downstairs we went.<br />
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Every early morning is the same. I lay her in the boppy with her binkie in her mouth and I pump. If it has been anywhere longer than 3-4 hours she just chokes and spits so I just resign myself to pumping to save us both the trouble.<br />
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As I pump she patiently waits. She will smile at me and sometimes coo or suck on her binkie and drift in and out of sleep. As tired as I am, I love this time, just me an her. Over the last almost four months her patience has astounded me. Last night it had been somewhere around 9 hours since she had eaten yet never did she freak out. Just watched me pump knowing that I would take care of her. Knowing that, no matter what, mom would make it better.<br />
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At 4:45 I fell back into bed, too exhausted to be awake one minute longer and at 6:00 when the alarm went off I wanted nothing more than just to continue sleeping, so I did. Finally at a little before 7:00 she was awake. No crying, just a little bit of squawking to let me know it was time.<br />
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As I changed her to get her ready for daycare she smiled at me and cooed and I still, almost four months later, was amazed that they let me bring her home. That this amazingly awesome child is mine and that I get to keep her.<br />
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Sometimes life is crazy and we spend all day running around but at night, it is quiet and calm. Just me and her enjoying these little moments that will be gone all too soon.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-19752955274520814132012-11-27T12:44:00.000-06:002012-12-22T19:16:10.603-06:00Slap on the WristA week ago FoTB had court. He plead guilty to two class D felonies and last Tuesday was his sentencing.<br />
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Before he was sentenced, the state of Iowa did an investigation. The Pre-sentencing investigator basically looks at the person's history, previous crimes, etc and recommends what their sentence should be. The pre-sentencing investigator said that he has a high instance of recidivism and that he should be sentenced to prison.<br />
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My parents and I went to the hearing. Because he stole from them, they were both allowed to give a statement. They both said he should go to prison.<br />
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The county attorney came up to us before the sentencing and he told us he ALSO thought that FoTB should be given prison time.<br />
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The judge gave him two years of probation and another year long stint in his 10th, or 11th or hell, I can't remember how many treatment centers. Seriously?<br />
<br />
In our state right now there is a high profile case of a former police officer who was just arrested again for cutting off his ankle bracelet. The first time he was sentenced the judge gave him a 16 1/2 year sentence and they suspended it and gave him 3 years of probation. From what I understand he is now going to have to do his 16 1/2 year sentence.<br />
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FoTB needs to go to prison. If he fails probation he is supposed to go for 10 years. I think he will end up there for 10 years. He has never been sober for 2 years and he has never successfully completed an intensive treatment program. He was kicked out of his 6 month one for failing to write his life story and he has to do that in the first two weeks in this new one.<br />
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I think it is a joke and I think the reason we have all of these people in and out of the court system is because they know it is a joke. Why should they change when they know they will just get probation and another slap on the wrist?<br />
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HOWEVER, in happier news, Zack's last name was officially changed on the 8th so no matter what happens with FoTB, it no longer affects us. He has no say in Zack's life any more and now he doesn't even share a last name with him.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-75806046883603473442012-11-26T15:32:00.002-06:002012-11-26T15:32:57.216-06:00BFF<span class="userContent">Mom, Ava's not just my sister. She's also my best friend. And we live together, so we're going to be friends forever right?<br /> <br /> I hope so buddy. I hope so.</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-57332736200935559212012-11-16T06:23:00.001-06:002012-11-27T12:46:56.133-06:00Good Morning"Good Morning beautiful, how was your night? Mine was wonderful with you by my side. When I, open my eyes and see your sweet face it's a good morning beautiful day." - Steve Holy<br />
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-78952184263204636832012-11-13T21:31:00.001-06:002012-11-27T12:47:06.689-06:00Parenthood <div>
That moment where you pick her up, squeeze her in tight and she snuggles into you. Her breathing slows, she completely relaxes and you know, without a doubt that everything you went through, the sickness, the swelling, the heartburn, the insomnia, the labor, was all worth it for this moment. Happiness, joy, love.</div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-28045129591864914732012-11-07T09:57:00.001-06:002012-11-07T09:57:58.866-06:00The PumpI have a love hate relationship with my pump. On one hand it allows me to feed my daughter. On the other hand it ties me to my office every three hours. It feels like I am always in the middle of something when it is time to pump.<br />
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I got one of those hands free bra things but it feels like it is a bigger waste of valuable time to put that on then to just suck it up and type with one hand.<br />
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On the upside, Ava is growing and happy. She is a peanut, only in the 8th percentile for weight but the doctor seems unconcerned. Last night she slept from 8 - 5 which was awesome. Only thing that would have made it better would have been if I wasn't up pumping at 2:45. I suppose I will adjust to the longer stretches eventually. I know I did with Zack.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-65256460693491367872012-10-13T03:13:00.000-05:002012-10-13T03:13:04.288-05:00Crazy Beautiful Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sorry I've been away. It is 3:00 am and this is what I'm doing with my time. It has been crazy. Amazing and awesome. But a bit crazy.<br />
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Email me if you want my Facebook info so you can keep up with me and know I'm still alive. otherwise, I will try to check in here more often.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-39058223924515708782012-09-07T02:50:00.001-05:002012-09-07T02:50:08.404-05:00Ava Elaine<div><p>Giving new meaning to the term labor day, Ava arrived on Monday, 09/03 at 1:45pm.</p>
<p>I will try to get here to write her birth story soon, but for now I just wanted you all to know she has arrived, she is healthy and we are all very much in love with her.</p>
<br/><img src='http://lh5.ggpht.com/-58Cz0Fvrs70/UEmnLlsB6aI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/kq8Y18YqeDk/IMAG0221.png' /></div>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-32048045402016899722012-08-28T13:39:00.000-05:002012-08-28T13:39:05.850-05:00Adjusting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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So apparently someone, who was not me, deemed my child old enough to start Kindergarten last week. Whomever this person is, we need to have a chat because there is no way that my little boy, my baby who was just learning to walk yesterday, I swear, is old enough for school. How did that happen?</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LMrCrrezEqQ/UD0LRjTpE6I/AAAAAAAAAJc/eBlzERoQrGE/s1600/20120820+-+Zack+first+day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LMrCrrezEqQ/UD0LRjTpE6I/AAAAAAAAAJc/eBlzERoQrGE/s320/20120820+-+Zack+first+day.jpg" width="191" /></a></div>
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Of course for him, the adjustment period has been quick and painless. He LOVES it. He is in a before and after school program that he couldn't be happier with if he tried. We knew he had outgrown his daycare. We knew he was ready for something different. I'm not sure we knew quite HOW ready until he started school.<br />
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However, for me, the adjustment period has been a little harder. Every day when I went to daycare I got an update from his teachers. I knew what kind of day he had, what he did well, what he was struggling with, etc. In Kindergarten, I get NOTHING. And of course I could be "that parent" but I want so much not to be "that parent" so I haven't emailed his teacher. I guess I am operating under the assumption that if there was a problem she would let me know and since I haven't heard from her he must be doing just fine. <br />
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My other adjustment with school has been that he has to be there. With daycare if I got up and felt like going in late to work, I just went in late and took him in late. If I wanted to leave early and take him to the park or come home and watch a movie or do something else, that is what I did. Now I can't just walk into his Kindergarten room early and pick him up. I have to wait.<br />
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Of course, if the little miss would hurry up and make her appearance I would probably be too busy to worry about any of this. But as it is... she is being stubborn. Hold up inside her happy warm home bouncing away with no desire to join the rest of us on the outside.<br />
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Last week I was one cm dilated. On measly little cm. I almost cried. (Especially since I was in labor and delivery at 4:00 am having contractions every three minutes when they told me.) Needless to say, I was sent home to wait. They stopped a few hours later and I have been waiting ever since.<br />
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I have been having a lot of back pain with her, which I never had with Zack, and that, combined with the lack of dilation despite contractions (LOTS of contractions) leads me to believe that on top of being stubborn she is also most likely sunny side up. Lucky me huh?<br />
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On top of all of this I also discovered, just today, that Jim's new insurance will not cover Zack's pediatric clinic, the same one we have used for five years and planned to keep using. So I am also in the process of adjusting to the idea of having to go somewhere else. I have asked for, and gotten, a couple of good recommendations on Facebook but I still hate the idea of having to go somewhere else.<br />
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Guess I better get over it quickly as I need to pick someone post haste in case she decides to get over stubborn any time soon.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-43872823460510038462012-08-07T13:08:00.002-05:002012-08-07T13:08:20.847-05:00Still HereWow, a month? Has it really been a month since I have been here? Lately it seems like life is getting away from me.<br />
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Zack starts school in two weeks. With the courts being what they are, things have been delayed so we won't be able to start him with a new name. However, for him he won't know any different. Hopefully within another couple of months we will be able to file and get it all changed.<br />
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The little girl in my belly is still growing. I am 36 weeks 2 days today and I am more than ready to be done. My sleeping is sporadic at best and my hips hurt and my back hurts and her but is shoved up under my ribs.<br />
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Her room is ready. All of her clothes are ready. I only have a couple more projects to finish at work and then... she can come any time.<br />
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I really have reached that point where I'm just over it. I want her to be healthy but I also do not want to be pregnant any more. (Nor do I want to be at work any more)<br />
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I feel like a slacker blogger but with all that is going on and with as little sleep as I am getting I really don't have a whole lot more to offer you.<br />
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Any pressing questions you have for me??Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-17127476565594015972012-07-05T10:01:00.000-05:002012-07-05T10:01:35.344-05:00Leftover PiecesThe last month in our house has been a flurry of cleaning and updating and sorting and moving. <br />
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Our bathroom was an after thought in a house that was built before indoor plumbing was ever an option so it desperately needs redone. Unfortunately, that is not in our budget, but some upgrades were. New bathroom paneling, paint, light, shower curtain, etc. Lipstick on a pig... but it will get us through until we can afford the entire remodel.<br />
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The attic was a flurry of totes of baby clothes and toys that all had to be sorted and either thrown away, garaged saled, or kept for this newest little one. Just yesterday we pulled the crib and the final 6 totes of baby items out of the attic. All told I would guess I have now sorted through over 30 totes of baby items.<br />
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Finally there is my office. My office was in our 3rd bedroom upstairs. Since we only have three bedrooms in our house it had to be moved to make room for this little girl. Which sounds MUCH easier than it actually was. My office was 6 - 8 totes & a filing cabinet worth of paper, receipts, pictures, cards, letters, etc. The last time any of it was sorted and organized was in 2007. In 2008 when things started to fall apart so did my office. Instead of sorting things and filing and throwing away it just got piled up. And when that pile started to topple, a new pile was made. Eventually last summer I got tired of looking at all of it and I stacked it all in totes. Out of sight, out of mind. Sort of...<br />
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Until now...<br />
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Last night I finished the last of the sorting. My office has been moved downstairs, several garbage bags worth of items have been thrown out and several hundred (possibly over a thousand) documents have been scanned in and then shredded.<br />
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What is left, is the pieces. Some remnants of a shattered life left over in a tote I will open when Zack is old enough to understand what it is. A tote I will simply label FoTB. This is the part I struggle with the most. What to leave in that tote and what to throw away.<br />
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I have told myself for years that I would not sugar coat FoTB to Zack. I am not going to make him out to be this saint with whom things just didn't work out. That is not fair to me or to Zack. However, I also think there are parts of that story that may be best saved for older years. Things to be kept and things to just be shared along the way.<br />
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For now, it contains pictures. Pictures of a man he may or may not remember clearly in 10 years. It also contains some cards and letters that we wrote. Those were hard for me to read and hard for me to keep, but again I can't sugar coat this for him. Almost every card I got from him, birthday, anniversary, etc. is filled with I'm sorry about this, or I'm sorry about that, or things are going to get better. Years and years of broken promises that are more embarrassing now than anything. Things I look back on and wonder, was that really my life? Why in the world did I continue to do that year after year?<br />
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Leftover pieces, sealed away in a tote....Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-28994929369630036102012-06-19T11:46:00.000-05:002013-01-23T15:39:20.670-06:00Resigning as a Grown UpThis morning I had to take my favorite pet, my cat Lex, to the vet to be put down. His health had been failing for a little while but we figured he was almost 13 and bound to be slowing down. Then on Sunday we could tell something just wasn't right. He just laid around our first floor, meandering from room to room but never going upstairs where he normally sleeps, or downstairs where he normally eats.<br />
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Sunday night I knew the time was near, yet I didn't want to make that decision. I kept hoping he would make it for me. Yesterday when I got up he was sitting in the kitchen and it looked like he was drinking some water. We had brought some food to him on Sunday night and it appeared that maybe he had taken a couple bites. I was holding out hope that perhaps he just had a cold or something and would get better.<br />
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When I got home from work last night one side of his face was twitching a little and his eyes had started to sink back into his face. Yet still, I tried to hold out hope. I went to the store and bought some canned cat food. He licked it but would not take a bite. I put some in his mouth and he tried to chew but it kept falling out and he couldn't eat it. It was at that point that I knew it was over.<br />
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I'm not sure that I remember the last time I cried this much. I cried and cried last night until I finally fell asleep and this morning, as soon as I saw him lying on the kitchen floor barely able to move or make a sound it started all over again. I spent most of this morning in a state of completely choked up or crying.<br />
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Finally at 7:30 when the vet's office opened I called and made the appointment. My wonderful friend Jess agreed to meet me there since Jim had to go to work and couldn't get off. I knew what had to be done but I wasn't sure I could actually do it. Make the decision to ask the vet to take him from breathing to not.<br />
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I cried the whole way there and when we got in I could barely utter a sound. Luckily Jess was there because the people in that office wouldn't have been able to understand anything otherwise. The vet looked at him and asked if he had been losing weight for awhile. I told him probably a couple months but we just figured it was his age. He said he was dehydrated and probably anemic and at this point he felt we were doing the right thing. Somehow, knowing I was doing the right thing, hearing him say I was doing the right thing, still didn't make it any easier.<br />
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By 8:15 it was over and he was back in my van in a box. We will bury him in our yard tonight and then take on the task of trying to explain it all to Zack.<br />
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My eyes are burning, and I'm sure pretty puffy. I am at work but not really working.<br />
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I hate this part of being a grown up. Can I resign?Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-33595943440704709212012-06-07T12:00:00.001-05:002012-06-07T12:00:53.867-05:00Some People Never LearnFoTB is in jail again. Gee, that didn't take long did it? He is now charged with felony theft and two counts of probation violation. From what I understand there may be more theft charges coming.<br />
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We are ready for all of this to be over. We knew he would screw up again when we signed the post-adoption agreement. We knew he would never get to visit Zack or come to his activities. That is why we signed. I just don't think either of us thought it would be this soon.<br />
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After 30 days in jail he will have a probation revocation hearing. If they revoke his probation, the agreement is null and void. If they do not revoke his probation then we wait for him to be convicted of a crime. Any crime will do. Even if they plead the felony theft down to a misdemeanor as soon as the plea is accepted the agreement is null and void.<br />
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We have decided to change Zack's name as soon as that happens. If there was anyone left in Zack's life with that last name we might consider waiting and letting him chose but there is not. No one he knows, no one he visits has that last name. We feel like he should have the opportunity to be part of our family, to fully feel included. If he turns 16 and decides he hates it and wants to change it back, he can. Although, I doubt at that point he will.<br />
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For us, this part is more for us just watching an enjoying not being stressed by it. The termination is over. The adoption is over. All that is really left is if we change his name or not and that is the least stressful part of the whole thing. Which is wonderful. After all of the ups and downs of the last year it is so nice to pull up the inmates website and know that no matter what happens, it no longer affects us negatively.<br />
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I am SOOO glad we filed and went to court when we did. I am SOOO glad to have the majority of this behind us.<br />
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Now we can focus on t-ball and decorating baby rooms and getting ready for kindergarten. (**sniff, sniff** how is my baby going to kindergarten in 10 weeks??)<br />
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Wait, stop... back that up. 10 weeks. Ten... wow, how has time flown. I'm not ready, someone hold me.... :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-59201962028415917142012-05-31T11:59:00.000-05:002012-05-31T12:20:15.625-05:00Are you sure you are done?Today I am 26w4d. In standard pregnancy terms this means that if I were to deliver on my due date I would have 13w2d left of this pregnancy.<br />
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Last weekend I had a garage sale in which I sold all of my boy clothes because this baby is a girl and after this baby, we are done.<br />
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I haven't written a whole lot about this pregnancy here, there have been a few other things going on in our lives, and I haven't really discussed it a lot in my personal life either but this decision to be done is one we are continually asked about.<br />
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More importantly the dreaded: Are you sure? question.<br />
<br />
So, let me give you a little bit of background. <br />
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About a year after we started dating Jim and I were discussing adding to our family. We already knew we were getting engaged and eventually married and so we figured this was the next logical step. When we were talking about it Jim stated, very clearly, that he only wanted one more child. (In fact, I think there was something about going out to the garage and fixing himself before he would have more than one more.) At the time, I cried. A LOT.<br />
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My answer to him was that I wasn't SURE I wanted more than one more, I just wasn't ready to shut the door quite yet. I remembered times I loved being pregnant with Zack and times I disliked it. All I knew at that point was that I wanted to have another pregnancy. A "normal" home life pregnancy if you will and then go from there.<br />
<br />
So we tabled the discussion.<br />
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Then last year, after we were married, we started seriously deciding how many more children we wanted and how many more we felt were right for our family situation, money, travel plans, extra curricular activities we wanted them to be able to participate in, etc.<br />
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In the end, it was decided that one more child made the most sense for our family. At that point I would say I was about 90% comfortable with that. We weren't pregnant yet and I wasn't 100% sure how I would feel once we were, but one more seemed to make the most sense.<br />
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Then on Christmas Eve morning I peed on a stick and that magic little word popped up: Pregnant.<br />
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From that point forward, it all changed. Let me tell you now how certain I am that this will be our last child. 250%. Let me give you one little word to describe this pregnancy and explain to you why I am now 250% certain:<br />
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Miserable. (Pretty much 100% of the time)<br />
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Shall we start from the beginning?<br />
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At 5 weeks pregnant I was already starting to get nauseous. The doctor put me on 25 mg of B6 and a Unisom. (No idea why this works, but it seems to) That curbed the nausea enough that I could eat some foods.<br />
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At 6 weeks I was tired, like 8:00 pm if I wasn't in bed I was a walking zombie tired. So the few hours I was awake I was mildly nauseous and then I had to sleep at least 10 hours a night to function for those few hours I was awake.<br />
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I also started to show by 6 weeks, so none of my pants fit me. I was in maternity pants by 6 weeks and maternity tops by probably 10 weeks.<br />
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At 8 weeks the "home remedy", so to speak, stopped working and I was put on Zofran. I took one Zofran every single day, the moment I woke up, and I was functional. All be it, barely. There were days were I was lucky to eat a couple pieces of fruit. I wasn't throwing up, but I may have wished to just crawl into bed and not come out on more than one occasion.<br />
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I also developed chronic constipation from the Zofran. A fun little side effect they forget to mention to you. So on top of the prenatal, the B6, the unisom & the Zofran I also got to start taking colace and fiber. Lots of fiber. Only it didn't really work. So once a week I got to drink Milk of Magnesia.<br />
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Why yes, yes it does taste as awful as it sounds. I basically had to count the number of days in between and when I got to three or four I had to pull that stuff out and drink away. It works, but it sucks... a lot.<br />
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I also developed a food aversion to meat. (which I had with Zack as well). This was more mild than with him so I did not have to become full on vegetarian for 20 weeks but I could only eat it in small bites. I could be mid chicken sandwich and one bite would just go badly and that was it. Done, no more or it was all coming up. (This is still mildly persistent right now)<br />
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Sometime around 12 weeks along she found my syatic nerve and promptly proceeded to take up residence right on top of it. So, to go along with the continual nausea and constipation I also got to limp. Sometimes when I would stand up it would hurt so bad I would wince and flail my arms a bit. <br />
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The only good part of this was that it seemed to provide endless entertainment to my husband and son.<br />
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Finally at about 13 weeks I was able to stop taking the Zofran. I was still mildly nauseous but that went away about 14 - 15 weeks and I finally thought yay!! I am entering the great part of my pregnancy.<br />
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Then she shifted forward. About 18 weeks I started noticing some pain in my lady business. It started out mild, over the following weeks it got stronger. The doctor tells me there is no cure except delivering the baby, which I obviously can't do yet. At 26 weeks, there are moments when I can not walk from my office to my car without almost crying. It is both ligaments that run down the side of my stomach, on both sides of my lady parts and down the insides of my legs.<br />
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Again, the only upside is this seems to provide endless entertainment for my husband and son as they watch me flap when I get up if it hurts or "waddle" into places. My son says I walk like a duck. I'm pretty sure he learned that from my husband. I will sell them both to you cheap if you are interested. :-)<br />
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At 23 weeks I started noticing I was getting light headed after eating and sometimes before. So much so that I sort of felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I was pretty convinced I was diabetic and that this was a reaction to sugar but nothing I ate seemed to make a difference. Just meat, just water, it all had the same effect. I was miserable for at least 2 - 4 hours out of each day.<br />
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Oh, and still tired, still very, very tired.<br />
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At 24 weeks they checked my blood levels and as it turns out, I was anemic. So, I get to add iron to my list of daily pills. However, my body is very picky about this iron and I have to take it alone, and still take my other multi vitamins or the dizziness comes back with a vengence.<br />
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I also failed my glucose test so I had to take the three hour version. Turns out the lack of Iron and the fact that I ate an hour before my test effected that because the only thing I got out of the three hour one was a waisted morning and three holes in my arm. I passed that one no problem.<br />
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Finally, we have the contractions. Oh yes, contractions. They started at 24 weeks, 4 days. That set lasted about 2 hours. Then on Tuesday night I got another set for another two hours. I am trying to work through them with rest and lots of water. I would, if at all possible like to avoid the Terbuteline that I had to take with Zack. That stuff makes you feel AWFUL and I have enough of that feeling already without it.<br />
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So, to give you a grand summary, at 26 weeks 4 days, I waddle when I walk, I am in continual pain, I get very dizzy and light headed if I do not stick to a strict regimen of Iron and multivitimans and I'm not getting any smaller, which means the waddling will not get any better.<br />
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So to answer your question, am I sure? At this point, I may resort to fixing him in the garage....<br />
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Yes, absolutely, positively sure.<br />
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And now, a picture... since you endured my whinning.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a-jM3kr9EXw/T8eijUckxbI/AAAAAAAAAJI/FsL3aps1EaU/s1600/26w3d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a-jM3kr9EXw/T8eijUckxbI/AAAAAAAAAJI/FsL3aps1EaU/s320/26w3d.jpg" width="191" /></a></div>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-23073933378188182192012-05-29T14:59:00.004-05:002012-11-07T09:49:58.989-06:00Bullet PointsI have lots going on right now and somehow posting seems to fall to the bottom of the list. So, I shall update you in bullet points. Hopefully, for now, you will forgive me. Someday when things slow down perhaps I will have more than bullet points.<br />
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<ul>
<li>The garage sale is over, it went very well. Most of the big stuff was sold and we made enough to buy the car seat & stroller as well as the rest of the little things we need to get for her.</li>
<li>I had an amazing friend offer to give me a pump, so that part I no longer have to worry about. It is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as pumps are very expensive.</li>
<li>After the garage sale I donated all the leftover clothes to friends. I was going to take them to the donation center but after thinking about it decided I would rather have people I know using them. Four little boys will be getting new wardrobes. I think that is the best use I can think of for those old clothes.</li>
<li>I also saved three toys for a little boy at our church. When we were packing up to take the leftover toys to the donation center (not very many by the way... people LOVE to buy toys apparently) there were three I just couldn't bare to donate. I hope he enjoys them as much as Zack did.</li>
<li>I bought my first outfit for the little one this weekend. Jim bought me two on my birthday and I bought her one yesterday. We have lots of 2nd hand clothes she will be wearing but I wanted a couple of new things. The more we buy and I wash the more real this seems.</li>
<li>I only have 14 weeks left until this little girl comes. That doesn't seem like very long. I am panicking a bit because I have TONS of stuff in my office left to sort through and get rid of or scan in so we can move my desk and file cabinet. I know it will all get done, I just need to take it a little at a time.</li>
<li>We got Zack's new birth certificate in the mail this weekend. It is exciting to see it. There is no mention of FoTB on there anywhere. I find it strange that they don't list biological father and adoptive father but I guess that is how it works. Jim is now his dad and FoTB is now erased in the eyes of the law.</li>
<li>We also paid off the lawyers last week. Those were painful checks. We had to take out a loan. That part sucks. Jim told Zack that he may not understand it now but when he gets older, he better put us in a really nice nursing home.</li>
<li>As much as it sucked to write the checks, it is 100% worth it. Zack is a whole different kid than he was at this time last year. It breaks my heart to imagine what he had to go through but I'm so glad that it is all over now.</li>
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Well, that is all I have for now. Hopefully I will be back to check in again soon.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-86965651757420378562012-05-15T10:58:00.001-05:002012-05-15T10:58:58.536-05:00Garage SailingI have spent the last week digging through old totes of Zack's clothes getting ready for an epic garage sale. After much thought and contemplation we have decided after this baby, we are done. I have made my peace with it, I'm 100% ok with the two children thing but the garage sale and I, we are going rounds.<br />
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My fear is that she will come out a boy, and I will cry. A LOT!! The ultrasound tech said she got an excellent picture, that if it were her child she would 100% assume girl so I feel fairly confident but there is still that little nagging voice.<br />
<br />
Don't jump too quickly. What if something goes wrong? What if the ultrasound lady was wrong?<br />
<br />
Never the less, I am trying my best to ignore said voice and prepare myself. I don't want to wait until after she is born to do this, it will be September / October and I will probably just have to wait until next year. I want to purge my attic and more importantly, I want to make a little cash to buy the few, seriously expensive, items we do not have.<br />
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Stroller & car seat<br />
Breast Pump (our insurance doesn't cover... boo to them)<br />
<br />
That is $550 - $650 right there.... OUCH!!<br />
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So, onward and upward we go. Sorting and pricing and sorting and pricing.<br />
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Anyone want to come help me price clothes and toys? No? Oh come on... it will be fun... :-)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3006454596735505373.post-15131856609359049182012-05-11T12:05:00.001-05:002012-05-11T12:05:25.771-05:00How long do you follow?I read 99% of my blogs through a feed. I used to use bloglines before it got defunct and they shut it down. Then I moved everything over to Google Reader. Google is taking over everything apparently so I might as well just join the crowd.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, in my Google Reader I have about 150 - 200 feeds. (It doesn't give me a count and I am FAR too lazy today to count them myself) Some of those feeds are updated daily, some of them haven't been updated for months, some for a year, some for two years.<br />
<br />
So, on this fine Friday I will pose this question to those of you still hanging around:<br />
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How long do you hold out hope? How long do you leave a blog in your reader or keep checking a blog for updates before you consider it officially gone by the wayside and remove it. Does it depend on how close you were to the author? If it was a friend or someone you commented back an forth with regularly will you hang on longer?<br />
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Just curious. I'm thinking I should probably clean up my reader, although with all the blogs in a reader it makes it easier to be lazy because they just hang out there I am not going to each website to check so I figure what is the harm in leaving them there.... JUST.... in case....Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13620286246484408761noreply@blogger.com6