Unwritten

It's a Gummy Bear

2012-01-23T13:00:00.003-06:00

We had our first doctors appointment today. Everything looks good. Measuring perfectly at 8w1d and the heart beat was easily seen on screen.

The doctor even printed me out the above picture which he assures me is, in fact, our baby but looks more like a jelly bean, or a gummy bear. :-)

We are both head over heals excited and just pray that everything continues normally.

Irrational Rationalization

2012-01-18T12:47:00.002-06:00

A week ago FoTB was served with papers. He was supposed to have a court date but it was canceled. Luckily, the process server we hired was persistent and she tracked him down and served him that night.

The next day was Zack's 5th birthday. 5... OMG... how is he FIVE already?? Anyhow, AMAZINGLY enough, he called that day. No phone call for three months before but he calls then. Gee, couldn't have ANYTHING to do with being served the night before could it?

Either way, the message he left was so surreal I had to listen to it twice to make sure I wasn't missing something. "Hey, just have a birthday present for Zack and was wondering if I could drop it off at daycare or by the house sometime."

As if he had been out of town on business for a week, not MIA for the last 3 1/2 months. The second time he called, I answered. My only words were, you have not called, text or emailed for 10 weeks, what makes you think you can just stop by?

It was at this point he lost it. Started screaming and yelling at me that it was all my fault and I wouldn't let him talk to him, etc.

I hung up. I spent more years than I care to count being screamed at and berated by this man. I do not need it and I am not going to put up with it.

After I hung up I sent him a text, reminding him he had been served with termination papers (Termination idiot... as in you can not just stop by out of the blue) and asking him to please do the right thing by Zack and just go away and let him be happy.

The response I got from him was irrational, at best. He text me that he would never walk away from his son (isn't that what he already did... he hasn't contacted us in 10 weeks) and that he had 3 of the best lawyers in town on it and I better not mess with him.

Mmmmm.... hmmmm... that big talk may work with some people, but it stopped working on me several years ago.

I just text him back and reminded him that he was facing 5 felonies and 4 misdemeanors and SEVERAL years in jail. That he had no case.

He left me with a text simply saying, that is what you think. Have a nice day.

Then, about an hour and a half later my phone lit up. When I looked, it was a text from him. It simply said, "Can I call my son and tell him happy birthday and that I love him and I miss him?"

Huh? What? I looked at it, re-read it. Put the phone down, pulled it back out when Jim got home, had him look at the series of texts from an hour earlier. Was I unclear in the TERMINATION part? Was I unclear in please just go away and let him be happy? No, no it was all pretty clear, and yet, there it was, a text acting as if that whole series of texts before had never happened.

At that point, all I could do was default to an Al-anon slogan I learned early on. You can't argue with crazy. You are trying to rationalize something which is 100% irrational.

He is, without a doubt, irrational at best, delusional at worst. Stuck so far into his addiction right now that nothing he says or does makes any sense to someone on the outside looking in. It is sad and scary all at the same time and all I can do is pray that the judge sees this our way and does what we feel is in Zack's best interest right now to keep him away from all of this.

Update of Sorts

2012-01-09T13:23:00.002-06:00

Well, FoTB is supposed to be in court on Wednesday. With any luck by noon on Wednesday a process server will have tracked him down and said those famous words to him. "FoTB, you have been served."

After that, it is any one's guess what will happen. He may call me within 15 minutes of getting the paperwork to rant and rave. He may not call me at all but show up promptly on March 15th with some lawyer he handles to "fight for his son." Or he may just sign the paperwork and slip quietly into the sunset.

When they serve him on Wednesday it will be:

17 weeks since he has seen Zack
16 weeks since we suspended visits
11 weeks since he has talked to Zack
10 weeks since he has had any communication with me
7 weeks since he has paid any child support
1 Thanksgiving missed without a word
1 Christmas missed without a word
1 New Year missed without a word

I'm just ready for this to all be over.

I spoke to his ex fiance today. She was supposed to write a statement for us to have. Something saying all the things she told me were true. That he had alcohol around the boys. That he left her regularly with the boys while he went out, etc.

She's not writing it.

She says with him out of jail now she is afraid for her safety and her son's safety. She is afraid he will come there and hurt them. It is a cop out and it PISSES me the F&^% off. She says she cares about Zack but really, if she did would she use that as her excuse. I barely know her son but I would stand up for him against FoTB in a heartbeat. Yet here she is, using him being out as her most recent excuse for not writing it.

It also pisses me off because if she truely is afraid he is winning again. He is a coward, someone who slinks away when he is stood up to, but he rules by fear. He rules by puffing out his chest and making people think he is tough and she is letting him win. By backing down and not standing up to him she is letting him win.

I know him well enough, he will not go there. Not if she writes one statement or 100 statements. But she won't listen to me and consequently, several important items in our case may fall through the cracks. I'm going to see if we can subpoena her. It is a long shot and it certainly will not make her my bff but at this point, my son's safety is paramount and if she won't fight for it, I will.

I am not afraid of him. I lived that life for far too long.

*********************************

As for the baby news, there is really nothing to report. I assume everything is going along as it should be but I have no reassurances as to that. My first ultrasound is not for another two weeks and so until then, all I can do is hope and pray.

I started getting really sick on Friday. The doctor's office put me on a drug cocktail of Unisom and B6 vitamin. It seems to be working, although I have no idea why. Quite personally, I don't really care. If I can get through a day without feeling like I want to crawl in a hole... I'm good.

More updates to come when I have them. :-)

Where do I start?

2011-12-28T14:59:00.005-06:00

I have been away from this place for far too long and as with most things, the longer you stay away, the harder it becomes to come back.

So much has happened in the last three weeks that I may have to bullet point it all just to keep it in some semblance of an order.

On January 6th FoTB was arrested. Or rather he turned himself in. On the 17th of November he beat up a girl he was staying with. Pushed her around in the kitchen, held her down while he screamed at her, threatened to "show her what crazy was", threatened to punch her, etc.

Unfortunately, this girl has a sorted past and that may work against her in court. I know she is not lying. Every single thing in that police report was things he did to me. Every one. I have heard every phrase, seen every action, I KNOW with every fiber of my being she is telling the truth, but it won't matter. My testimony can't be used to prove he did it. Just because he did it before, the courts say, is not proof he did it again. The courts are wrong. It absolutely is....

That next day, he was fired from his job.

He was also charges with theft. He told his dad it was for a drive off of gas. I tried to get the police report for that but they said that in that city (I have been to four different places getting police reports over the last month) the don't give out police reports for open cases.

On December 7th, he was out again. Apparently before he went in he left some money with a friend or with a bail bondsman and so that person came and got him. Less than 24 hours in jail and he was out again...

However, his freedom was short lived. On December 15th he was arrested again. This time charged with five felonies and a misdemeanor. The 2nd misdemeanor was filed on the 22nd. He stayed in jail this time on a cash only bond for 13 days. Then one of his "friends" paid a cash only bondsman somewhere between 20 - 40% of the cash amount to get him out.

He is in way over his head. I don't have friends that would pay that kind of cash to get me out. He owes some people big time and I just don't see it ending well. My guess is he becomes their drug runner and is back in jail for more serious charges within the month.

Today the papers were finalized and sent to the court for termination. I am done. This is completely unfair to Zack to continue to let this drag out. He has been through enough.

I don't know if his mom will hire him a lawyer to fight me on the termination. She knows it is coming, she understands why I am doing it, she just isn't 100% comfortable with the end result. I hope she doesn't but at the end of the day, I can't control that part. If she does, we will just deal with it.

Either way, she can't change the facts:

15 weeks since he has seen his son

14 weeks since we suspended visits

8 weeks since he has contacted us

5 weeks since I have received any child support

He has basically abandoned Zack now, I don't know what difference it will make to him if we make it official. Yet somehow, I think we will end up in court over this. Nothing can ever be easy or in Zack's best interest with him.

Oh, and to add to the madness and chaos in our house, there is also this:

4w3d - Due September 2nd

Scared out of my mind. Every twinge, every pain. Every time I pee I look at the toilet paper.

I have known far too many people who have miscarried, delivered too early, had babies that were born still. I know all too well that a positive test does not always end in a take home baby and I REALLY, REALLY want a take home baby.

So I pray, a lot. And I try to remember that I don't get to control this. I get to be along for the ride. The termination, the pregnancy, the rest of this craziness, all I can do is sit back and pray that it all goes well.

So, how are things with all of you?

Tuesday Talks

2011-12-07T09:33:00.002-06:00

(Zack singing in the back seat) Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul....

(Insert the rest of the lyrics to this song that I don't really want to type out, sung mostly correctly and mostly in order....)

[...] I'll be back again some day!!

Wow buddy. That was a good job!! You remembered all of the words.

Yeah, that's cuz I have a rememberer in my brain and it helps me remember that stuff. But sometimes it remembers stuff I don't want it to and then they get stuck in my head. Like Who Let the Dogs Out. C was dancing to that yesterday at D's party and it got stuck in my head.

****************************
Later that night I make the mistake of telling Jim this story. I couldn't help it. A rememberer? (yes, there is an extra er....) it was too cute not to share.

Jim: Hey Zack... Who let the dogs out?

Uggg!! DAD!!! Now that is going to be stuck in my head!!

Santa Express

2011-12-04T21:08:00.019-06:00

On Saturday we took Zack to ride the Santa Express in Boone, Iowa.

We didn't tell him where we were going, just told him we had a surprise. He was excited, even though he had no idea where we were going.

Once we pulled into the station he about lept out of his seat when he realized we were going to ride a train.

It was raining outside all day, it turned to sleet on our way home but luckily the train cars were all enclosed and it was nice and toasty inside.

There was, of course, lots of excitement and some goofing around while we were waiting for the train to get going and when we were stopped at the "North Pole."

That's right... this train went all the way to the "North Pole." On the way they served us homeade cookies.

And hot chocolate...

And then when we got there, we got a special vistor!

Santa got on the train at the "North Pole" and handed out bells to every child. (It used to be called the Polar Express and they handed out the sleigh bells like he gets in the movie but because of copywright issues they can no longer call it the Polar Express but they still hand out the bells.

Then we all sang Christmas Carols. Jingle Bells, of course, along with several other favorites.

Overall, I think it was a very fun trip. It would have been a little better if we had gone during the day so that he could have seen out of the windows but otherwise, it was pretty good. More importantly, Zack loved it.

Speak out

2011-11-18T15:19:00.002-06:00

This morning as I came downstairs from getting dressed I noticed that my phone had a missed call. I picked it up and dialed my voicemail. I knew it was FoTB's grandpa, I know he was probably saying thank you for sending Zack's pictures. I did not expect the message I heard.

He was sobbing. Not just crying, sobbing so hard he could not talk telling me how grateful he was that I thought of him and sent pictures and how hard this has all been on him to see FoTB fail again. To try to support him and to be screwed over once again.

Today, on Speak Out against Domestic Violence day I don't want to talk about me. I did that already, you can go and read it here and here and see pictures here if you want. Instead today I want to give a voice to the people who are forgotten. The rest of the people who were not "direct victims" of the violence but yet their lives will never be the same.

Like his grandpa and his mom, who live each day thinking that I may not let them see Zack because I in some way reflect FoTB's actions onto them. Who are sad, and scared and ashamed that they supported him and believed his lies. Who just want to see their grandson/great-grandson and don't know what to say or how to say enough times how sorry they are that they believed him.

I want to give a voice to Zack, a little boy who struggles with what he did wrong. Was I bad? Is that why daddy is so angry? Did he not want a big boy? Maybe he just wanted a baby and I got too big? Who right now is hurting and can't explain why. Who is TERRIFIED of his biological father yet is wanting him to change all at the same time. I miss him. What do you miss? I don't know. I didn't like it when he was mad and he yelled.

And so it is, the abused defending and loving the abuser, even when they know with every logical part of their brain that they shouldn't.

And to J, who wanted nothing more than a real dad, and S who wanted nothing more than a husband. They both wanted someone to care for them and they both paid the price for it. J is only 8 and yet he was hit and berated and belittled. And even after it was all done he wasn't sure he wanted to tell because he didn't want to get FoTB in trouble. And then when he decided to tell he was afraid he would come and hurt him again. He lived every single day in fear, every night having nightmares that he would come back and hurt them again.

Domestic violence has changed my life and my perspective in ways I couldn't even begin to explain. Comforts that people take for granted, I may never be able to do. But when I talk about my story I don't want to forget that there are others. That there are lots of people hurting. Family, friends, etc. People who hurt because I hurt or who hurt because they hurt, even if they weren't abused they are collateral damage.

So today, send up a prayer for every man, woman and child who has been affected by domestic violence. Every person who is struggling to feel whole and alright again that they may one day find the peace and love we all deserve.

The Mailbox

2011-11-16T08:59:00.006-06:00

About two months ago, I came home from choir practice to find our mailbox flat in the ditch. Someone had left the road, driven through the ditch, over our mailbox and back out onto the road. A drunk driver most likely, as the mail had already come for the day and was strewn about the ditch and there were no adverse weather conditions.

The next day I went over to where the mailbox had been to assess the damage. Our mailbox was in four pieces. It snapped back together and didn't seem to be visibly any worse for the wear. The post however, was snapped in half and the plastic piece that the mailbox sat on was no where to be found.

So, I brought it inside and set it on our back porch.

"Mom, what are you going to do with that mailbox?"

"Well, we are going to go to the store and see if we can buy a new plastic piece to mount it on. If we can't, we are probably going to have to throw it away."

"If you can't fix it, can I have it?"

By the time Jim got home from work, his plan was already fully thought out. If we couldn't fix it, he told him, he was going to get to keep it and he could mail letters and maybe someone would bring him some mail.

As it turns out, we couldn't fix it. We had to buy a whole new mailbox and so this one, became his.

Every morning after it became officially "his mailbox" he would wake up and run to the back porch to check for mail. And, for about a week, every night we would sneak out there when he was asleep and put mail in his mailbox. Junk mail, catalogs, etc.

Then we ran out of junk mail. Or at least junk mail that would intrigue a child. So one day, he didn't get mail and we had to have the disappointing conversation with him that even WE don't get mail every day and that... gasp... even the mail man needs a day off.

Now, the mail man (aka Mom & Dad) comes a bit less frequently but it is ALWAYS an exciting time at our house when he walks out there, realizes the flag is down and finds a new piece of junk mail to marvel over.

He mails things back now too.

"Mom, I put that envelope in there and the mail man came and took it and now he's going to deliver it to someone."

The View from There

2011-11-14T10:39:00.001-06:00

Phone or Family?

2011-11-13T18:01:00.002-06:00

I have a confession to make, I am slightly (ok, possibly a lot) addicted to my smart phone. And so is my husband. A week or so ago, I noticed that we were sitting in our living room, the TV on but both messing with our phones..... for over an hour. Me in my chair, him on the couch. Later that day, I realized that we went out to eat and one or both of us was messing with our phones (him checking sports scores, me texting) most of the meal.

And I thought to myself... is this what I want Zack to remember about dinner with his parents? The fact that we were more interested in our phones than in being a family?

At that moment, I realized something needed to change.

Today and yesterday I ate entire meals with my family and left my phone in my purse the entire time and you know what? No one died. No horrible crisis happened in my disconnection.

I can tell you, when Zack is with us, it is way easier to let it go than it is when he is at daycare. It will probalby take much longer to set it down during lunch at work but for now, I think putting it away during meals that I eat with him is a wonderful start.

Hi, I'm Heather and I'm a phone addict. Today is day two of my recovery...

On The Edge of my Seat

2011-11-11T09:49:00.001-06:00

That is how I feel lately. Like I am continually sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to jump up. Waiting to act again.

It has been 11 days since I have heard from FoTB yet I still don't feel like this is over. Every day for seven weeks I have made sure to leave work no later than 4:30. Every day I have made sure Zack has been picked up by 5:00. Just in case.

Last week I traveled to Santa Barbara for four days. Did you know I was gone? Don't feel left out. I'm not quite sure anyone other than the people I was with, my parents & Jim knew I was gone. Actually, if we are being honest here, my body was gone but I don't think my mind ever left.

It's too bad. Of all the times in my life I needed a get away, this was towards the top of the list. However, with the most recent communication with FoTB just the day before and the words of my lawyer still ringing in my ears (she had seen his lawyer a week before at the court house and he had,told her then they still planned to file contempt against me) I just couldn't let go enough to fully relax.

Everywhere we went I had to keep checking my phone. I had told EVERYONE to keep quiet about me being gone yet I was terrified that somehow he would find out and try to take Zack, knowing I was 1,500 miles away. Every meal, I had my phone on the table. Every 30 mins I checked it. Looking for any word from him, the daycare, my lawyer, Jim, or my parents.

Both afternoons I was there I got to a point where I just went back to my room and laid down. My anxiety and stress were high as was my exhaustion so I left the others to their fun and I laid down. To rest, to breathe deaply, to regroup and then join the group and try desperately to have fun.

I think I failed. It is too bad. I hope my friends understand. I hope they don't take it personally. I hope they know that I separated not because of anything they did but because I didn't want to drag them down with my stress.

I emailed them all earlier this week, I hope they read it. I hope they believed it.

As for me, I'm glad I went. There was some good times and laughter. For 3-5 hour stretches of time I forgot all about the worries of home. And I needed that. More than I knew.

Every day my shoulders relax a bit. Every day of calm I move a little bit back from the edge. Baby steps...

WW: Green Lantern

2011-11-09T09:20:00.002-06:00

Blessings

2011-11-08T11:40:00.002-06:00

On Sunday I sang this song in church (like I need something else to fill up my week, remind me to tell you about my week sometime....) Anyhow, when I first heard this song I fell in love with it. With everything that has gone on in my life in the last few months/few years this song just spoke to me. So, I thought I would share it with you.

Blessings

Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

Struggling with me

2011-11-08T11:24:00.004-06:00

Another perfect day for Mr. Zack yesterday. Nothing written down on his sheet at daycare and him and the dog only drove me a little nuts when we got home.

He had Taekwando last night and he did really good. His last three or four weeks we have really noticed a difference there. He is doing MUCH better at paying attention during class and following along with the moves and the words. Hopefully that continues.

I will leave you with yesterday's Zack-ism...

**********************

Do you have your seat belt on yet?

I can't get it on mom!! My seat belt is struggling with me!!

Happy

2011-11-07T14:19:00.002-06:00

Would you please consider doing the right thing for Zack? He has been dealing with your addiction and you being in and out of his life for his whole life. He deserves better than that. He's happy now. He's finally doing GREAT at daycare. His life is calm. Please just let him be happy.

Time stamp: November 1st, 8:41 am

I have not received a phone call or a text message since. I don't know what to make of it but I'm trying to practice what I preach and just be happy. Zack is happy and adjusted to this new life and I am trying to be as well. Tomorrow it could all change. Tomorrow he could be back with his chaos but for right now, at this very moment he is gone.

I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure it. He is on his own on this relapse journey for the first time in 15 years.

And we are just trying to be happy.

Thought of the Day....

2011-10-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

Still Waiting....

2011-10-17T15:44:00.005-05:00

Over two weeks have passed since I have been here and yet I still find myself drawing a blank.

Today I went to get popcorn and found myself in a "discussion" with the popcorn lady. Let's call it what it is really, a lecture by her on why I should have had another child several years ago. About how 2 years is the appropriate age gap and that if I am going to be having another I have already waited too long but I better not wait any longer.

I find this discussion confusing at best. How do I easily explain to someone that there is a VERY good reason that my children (if I am blessed with another one) will not be two years apart? That I can only IMAGINE the disaster that would have befallen me if I had decided to bring ANOTHER child into that awful relationship.

Sorry, I know two may have been ideal for you but I married the wrong man so my son will have worse things to discuss in therapy about how I screwed up his life than the fact that I didn't give him a sibling within the appropriate amount of time.

And more over... there comes in to play the fact that we are still not 100% sure I CAN get pregnant. The test I took last month indicates that I ovulated on my own but that is still no guarantee. What if I am infertile? What if my husband is? Why is it that people feel it is acceptable to comment on this part of a person's life without knowing even 1/1,000th of their history?

Anyhow, as I walked away a million things ran through my head. She is a very nice lady and I know she didn't mean to say anything to upset me but it got me thinking just the same. It made me ever more conscious of what I ask people when it comes to these things.... you just never know....

***********************************

As for the rest of the disaster that is my ex-husband. Who knows. He may still be charged with credit card fraud... he may once again slip through the cracks of the legal system. He may be charged with child abuse (either by the police or by DHS) or he may once again slip through the cracks of the legal system. (The abuse that we once thought was just extra spankings was so much more than that. Punches to the chest and arms, kicks to the legs, fists in his face threatening him if he told...)

His ex-girlfriend and her son have done all they can. They have asked the questions, told the authorities what they needed to and all they can do at this point is wait. It is 100% out of our hands and that part to me is REALLY hard.

We saw them again on Saturday. Took her son out to lunch with us and out to run a few errands. I am struck with a heavy heart every time we see him. He is so well behaved that I have NO idea how anyone could strike him in anger. He didn't deserve that and at the end of the day, despite telling the police and his mom and DHS there still may be nothing that can be done and that is heartbreaking.

As for Zack, visits have been suspended for four weeks tomorrow with no sign of them being resumed. FoTB had made no attempt to attend meetings, quit drinking or try in any capacity to be back in his life. Zack has done a complete 180 in the last four weeks, for the better and so we can only hope and pray that all of this continues in the same direction. The longer he stays away, the better off Zack is....

So right now... we just wait. Wait for the police to make up their mind. Wait for DHS to make up their mind. Wait for FoTB to make his next move.

Have I mentioned lately I hate waiting??

Zack-isms....

2011-09-30T14:28:00.001-05:00

Mom, I want one burrito.

Do you want any taco's too?

No, just one burrito... no wait. I want two burritos. That will stuff me right up....

******************************

Look at how hard the wind is blowing. Do you see the trees moving?

Yeah, that is because God is trying to get all of the leaves off....

Waiting...

2011-09-29T14:41:00.003-05:00

I've been away for another week and I come here offering no witty stories, no real ending to a tale that has been unraveling since June 1st. A life lived in lies that are all finally starting to come to the surface and a man, so far stuck in his own sickness that rather than fight, he has chosen flight.

Thursday was eye opening. We went to his ex's house expecting to stay for an hour. We stayed for three. We went to his ex's house with one understanding and walked out with an entirely different one.

The violence was/is back. Holes in her walls, "spankings" doled out to her eight year old. A child so afraid that he would do ANYTHING to avoid angering FoTB. A child so afraid that he BEGGED the neighbor not to call him when he forgot his key a few weeks ago. Two lives shattered into pieces that they now must pick up and put back together. An innocence lost, a trusting nature abandoned.

At one point, Jim just sat with him while he cried. He is eight. He wanted SOO much for FoTB to be the man that loved him, that adopted him, that stayed forever (his own bio-father long since gone). All promises FoTB made to him. All promises he broke.

On Saturday we are going to pick him up and he is going to spend the afternoon with us. We owe them nothing but he needs so much that we can give that we feel it is our duty to do so. One day will not fix it but it may go a long way towards showing him that not all grown up men are scary. Not all grown up men scream and yell and threaten and leave. There are good ones out there that he can trust.

As for FoTB, I have no idea where he is or what he is doing and I hope it stays that way for a long time. His lawyer called my lawyer last Wednesday. That conversation ended with, well I guess I have some things to talk to my client about and then get back to you. He has not called my lawyer back since.

On Saturday, I assume realizing that his lawyer had no answers for him, he called the police. He was dismayed to discover they had no answers for him either.

So we wait for his next move. I have been on edge since Saturday. Always looking around, wondering if he will try to show up, waiting for him to call to say he has done this or that and he wants his visits back now. So far it has not happened. Maybe in another few weeks, I will finally believe that it won't.

Until then... I wait, I watch, and I pray....

Closure

2011-09-22T14:25:00.002-05:00

Tonight we take Zack over to FoTB's old house where his ex and her son still live. We feel it is only fair to allow them to say goodbye and to give him a chance to process what is going on. We are hoping that seeing FoTB's stuff gone and his vehicles gone might help him to understand that he has really moved out.

It is a bittersweet moment. On one hand, we have been right all along about what he is but on the other hand, Zack is losing these two people which he has become pretty attached to.

We have both agreed to let the boys see each other as often as they need to over the next couple months to fully have that closure but eventually, I know, that relationship will come to an end. And it is unfortunate.

FoTB has spend his entire 31 years thinking only of himself and leaving a litany of broken bridges, broken people, and broken relationships in his wake....

Crash

2011-09-21T10:47:00.002-05:00

On Monday afternoon around 1:00 my phone rang. I looked down only to realize it was FoTB's girlfriend. I remember thinking to myself, I should ignore it. She probably just wants to ask me why I won't change the Wednesday night visits for him. Yet something in me made me answer the phone anyway....

By 2:00 on Monday, my whole perspective on how this was going was different. She called to tell me that she thought he was still using and that he had stolen her credit card and tried to take money off of it. He was staying out all night, hanging out with shady people, sneaking around, etc. She was done, she was kicking him out, changing the locks and trying to move on.

I wasn't quite sure what to think. We tested him on the 22nd of August and he passed. She told me she had no idea how he had passed but that she had found a joint in his car that weekend and when she confronted him about it he had told her it was synthetic.

So yesterday we tested him... and he passed. At that point, my head was reeling. I asked the drug test person if they were able to test for synthetics and she told me not yet. They are all illegal in Iowa but the testing for them is not out yet. Next month, maybe two or three....

I left work last night thinking to myself, that is how he is doing it. He is using the synthetic stuff and flying under the radar. Then last night, she called again. And in the conversation she mentioned alcohol. Wait a minute... he is drinking?

Apparently, he started drinking in January. She was naive enough to think that he could drink and just not use drugs. She didn't know that an addict, is an addict and she also didn't know that it states in our divorce decree that he is not allowed to drink OR use drugs.

And suddenly, it all made sense. Everything came crashing down at once and I finally clearly understood why he was passing drug tests but still acting like an addict. He had been drinking, she said quite heavily. Vodka and Crown Royal. She had caught him drinking and then picking up her son which means he had been drinking and then picking up Zack as well.

We suspended visits indefinitely last night. We need to find a way to keep Zack safe and right now he is not safe in FoTB's care.

Welcome to the roller coaster. Guess we are back on for another ride....

Happy Birthday Mom!!

2011-09-20T14:35:00.006-05:00

Today is my mom's 60th birthday. On my way back to the office from lunch I heard this song on the radio and I thought it was pretty much perfect for today!!

Happy Birthday Mom!! Thank you for everything you have done for me!!

"Like My Mother Does"

Lauren Alaina

People always say
I have a laugh
Like my mother does
Guess that makes sense
She taught me how to smile
When things get rough

I've got her spirit
She's always got my back
When I look at her
I think, I want to be just like that

When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I feel weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because I see myself like my mother does

I never met a stranger
I can talk to anyone
Like my mother does
I let my temper fly
And she can walk away
When she's had enough

She sees everybody
For who they really are
I'm so thankful for her guidance
She helped me get this far

When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I feel weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because
I see myself like my mother does

She's a rock
She is grace
She's an angel
She's my heart and soul
She does it all

When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I'm weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because
I see myself like my mother does
Like my mother does

I hear people saying
I'm starting to look like my mother does

Jim's Hand

2011-09-15T20:31:00.008-05:00

**I added a picture of my hand to the previous post**

When I went back to daycare this afternoon they had put up the rest of the hands and the one Zack made for his dad was there. He only made one, not two. And the one he made, was for Jim.

I like it when dad boxes with me.

When I mentioned to Jim that he had not made one for FoTB his answer was exactly what I was thinking.

Zack knows the score. He is not stupid.

And he is 100% right. I now feel even more comfortable with the route we are going with visits.

A what?

2011-09-15T14:29:00.006-05:00

On Tuesday night we had to work on a "homework" assignment for Zack. They are reading the book The Kissing Hand, which is about a baby raccoon who is nervous about leaving his mom to go to his first day of school.

So, each child drew their hand print and then told the teacher the things they loved about their parents and she wrote it on the palm of their hand print. Each parent was to do the same and then decorate the hand however they wanted and send it back to school.

This morning I saw Zack's hand. Apparently he just picked me to write about and this is what it said:

I love to twirl my mom's hair. I love it when she scratches my back. I like it when she takes me to the park. I hope I can have a baby sister sometime.

A what? Huh? He has been asking us about having a sister for several months now and we keep telling him maybe some day. But what if it is a boy?

I am not having a brother. I am having a sister. Maybe a sister and THEN a brother but a sister first.

So apparently, it is not just us he is now telling about this. I guess I know what he is asking Santa for this year.

Do you think he will ask me to send it back if we end up having a baby at some point and it is a boy?

A Life Well Lived

2011-09-14T10:21:00.003-05:00

Two weeks ago, in the wee hours of the morning on August 29th, my cousin lost his will to live. He had a disagreement with his wife, one that I have learned seemed to be a frequent occurrence in the last few months, and he went up into the mountains that he loved so much and ended it all. He left behind two children. 8 and 10.

Two days later, I found out that a girl I went to high school with, a girl who has had medical struggles all of her life, was dying of cancer. On Monday she lost her fight. Her son is a few days shy of three months.

Two lives lost in two very different ways. Three children left without a parent to watch them grow up.

All of this loss has got me really thinking about things lately. About the things I want for my life and the things I want for Zack. We have suspended the search for a counselor. It has been four weeks as of Monday since we were in mediation and we have had no luck getting FoTB or his lawyer to make a decision.

As a parent, I had to make a decision. If I keep pushing, there is a possibility that the new counselor will not see right through FoTB. That the new counselor will believe his lies and will say that it is ok for Zack to have to spend the night there again. I need to keep that from happening as best I can and right now, the way to do that is to keep quiet.

The longer we go without a counselor, the longer we go with no overnights. Right now, what is in Zack's best interest is no overnights. When those two people died, I realized that I can no longer fight for a relationship that FoTB does not seem to want. (He says he does... but his actions speak MUCH louder than his words)

I have to spend as much of my time with Zack as I can and make sure that MY relationship with him is everything I want it to be. Life is short, and if mine ended tomorrow, I would want him to know that I spent every moment I could trying to make sure he was happy and safe.

Right now, that entails keeping him home with us as much as possible.

Last night we did a project for his daycare. We had to draw our hand prints and write what we loved about Zack in the middle. He then helped us decorate them. After drawing and dinner and general goofing around, it was 8:15 and time for bed. Not once did we turn on the TV. Not once did we tell him to just leave us alone and go play.

For two hours last night he had our undivided attention and today, he knows just a little bit more, that what is most important to us is not stuff and things we have to get done. It is him.

Those are the things I want him to remember. Those are the things I have been reminded of in the last two weeks. The things that my friend knew, in her last moments, the things my cousin lost sight of in his.

For when my time is over, I want people to know that my life was well lived and my family was well loved.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." -Unknown

Different

2011-09-09T23:23:00.001-05:00

"Mom, why is your hair like that?"

"Is it bad?"

"Ummm... No."

"Do you like it?"

"Ummm.... Yeah. But why did you want to cut it?"

I guess the 3 inches I cut off is more noticeable than I thought.....

Empty Space

2011-09-07T15:06:00.003-05:00

Here we are, a week and a half after I last posted and I'm staring into the empty space of a posting box, not quite sure what to put here.

On the 27th Zack saw FoTB for nine hours. In that nine hours, from what I can gather from Zack and from the timeline of when he was brought home FoTB worked on his car, fought with his girlfriend, didn't feed Zack lunch till 3:30 pm and then dragged him along on an outing to buy things for his boat. (He didn't have $320 to give Zack health insurance last month but he has that money and probably more to spend on his boat this month?) He gets nine hours every two weeks to spend with his son and that is how he chooses to spend it?

He dropped him off at 5:00 on Saturday night and we did not hear from him again until he picked Zack up on Wednesday evening.

FoTB saw Zack a week ago for his Wednesday visit. We have not heard from him since. I assume he is going to pick him up for another visit tonight. I have no guarantees. I will, as I have done so many Wednesday's before, head home right after work. Our house is 5 minutes from his daycare. Daycare closes at 6:00. I figure as long as I am at home, if he fails to show up, I can be there in 5 minutes. Thus far, he has yet to fail to show up but I never have 100% confidence in that.

I was talking to Jim about all of this last night and no matter how many ways I try to look at it I just don't get it. He went into mediation fighting with all of his might to see Zack. To be in his life. To have as much time with him as possible. Yet, here we are three weeks later and a counseling appointment has yet to be made. In fact, a counselor has yet to be picked.

And now this... seven full days without any contact with your child. Seven full days without even so much as a text to see how he was doing, how he had been, where he had been, etc.

Seven full days of nothing.

Why fight so hard to see him if you are not really going to want to be in his life?

I came to terms with some of this last week. I made my peace with the relationship they are destined to have. I no longer try to make things better for them. Zack has a dad in his life to fill that void and right now, it is probably better that FoTB not call at all. Better to not call then to half a$$ call because he feels like he has to or because someone is making him.

Zack has asked about him a grand total of zero times in the last week. That makes a grand total of zero times in the last two and a half years he has asked me about him or asked to see him so I guess I should not be surprised, yet there is still a part of me that is sad.

I'm not sad for FoTB... he is a POS in my book and if he stopped calling and showing up tomorrow I would not miss him in the slightest. No, I am sad for Zack. If FoTB had walked away, signed over his rights and said that he thought Jim and I could give Zack a better life I could have explained that to Zack. Explained that his dad needed to figure things out and he loved him enough to walk away and allow Zack a chance at a better life.

But what he is doing now, holding on like Zack is a possession, worrying solely about himself and being unwilling to put Zack's needs first. That part will be much harder to explain. The fact that he was given a million and one opportunities to do what was right for Zack, to fix their relationship, to be in his life in a positive manner and the blew every single one of them.... that part will be much harder to explain. Much harder for Zack to understand....

A friend of mine sent me a quote last night. It's from Dr. Phil whom I don't usually listen to a whole lot but I think it really applies here:

In order to be a parent, a good constructive parent, it takes more than the
absence of negatives; it takes the presence of a whole lot of positives.

When FoTB talks about being in Zack's life, he talks about the absence of negatives, he has yet to give any positive reasons. That part I struggle with. The courts focus on the absence of negatives but as a mom, I want positives that he is bringing to Zack's life and thus far, I haven't found any.....

No news is good news?

2011-08-26T15:42:00.003-05:00

Is that really always the case? I belong to a credit monitoring service thing through one of my credit cards and every month they will send me an email that says no news is good news. I suppose the point is to reassure me that nothing that they are monitoring has changed. Yet in life, is no news really always good?

I know, deep thoughts for a Friday afternoon.

Anyway, the point is, that I really have nothing new to share right now. Things are pretty stalled on the counselor front. The two lawyers are arguing back and forth about two people who have the exact same qualifications. Why is one better than the other? You got me... We have someone we would prefer based on the recommendation of Zack's previous counselor. FoTB's lawyer has someone... well who knows how he chose him but they are sticking with that person just to be difficult I assume.

So until they decide on a counselor, the visits will not increase beyond 8-5 every other Sat, Sun. Which, right now, is just fine with us. We are having enough trouble controlling his behavior after what little time he spends with him. Let alone allowing him more time and/or overnights.

FoTB has asked me twice now to switch his Wed night visit to 5:30 - 7:30. I have refused twice, sighting the fact that we were more than willing to work with them at mediation and instead of compromising and working with us they went in and told lies about us. Their answer has been that they didn't lie... they gave their opinion. Well in that case... my OPINION is that your visit ends at 7:00.

My lawyer tells me that this could come back to bite me if I ever need to modify a visit but thinking back, historically, the amount of times we have needed to modify a visit vs. them needing to move/change one is like 1:1,000. So, I feel pretty comfortable in my bitchiness right now. I'm entitled to it after all of the crap I have put up with. (Or at least that's what I'm telling myself right now... )

Other than things with Zack, Jim and I have begun the "family building" discussion. It is complicated by the fact that we are unsure as of yet, that my body ovulates on its own. It did not when I conceived Zack and so I had to be on clomid. For that reason, I have been off of birth control for two and a half years now. Some months I am positive my body has figured it out... some months I am equally positive it has not.

This month I just monitored with a cheap ovulation test. I debated on calling my doctor for a day 21 progesterone test but second guessed myself when I THOUGHT I saw one line getting darker than the other. It is now day 26 and I am kinda pissed I didn't call because I'm pretty sure that darker line was all in my head.

Next month I am going to call the doctor and just do the test. Then we can go from there. At least then I will know.

Things with project puppy potty training are also moving right along. As long as we continue to take him out rather frequently we are fine. He is a piddler, so any time he gets too excited or thinks he is in trouble we get to clean up but otherwise... I suppose it is just like when I did this with Zack. Some days are really good, some days we think we can do this and other days... well you will take him out one minute and 10 minutes later he is peeing on the carpet.

Come to think of it... that is not at all unlike my four and a half year old... except yesterday it was the garbage can. Why yes... as your final departing laugh for the weekend I will leave you with this. Yesterday my four and a half year old urinated in the garbage can at daycare. For what reason? He can not tell me...

Stop laughing... it would not be nearly as funny if it was your kid....

Ok, so maybe it would.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Deal with the devil....

2011-08-17T15:22:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking for two days about how to explain to you what went on at mediation on Monday and the closest think I can use to describe it is what I told to Jim on Monday night. I feel like we made a deal with the devil.

The lesser of two evils was negotiated.

He came in to mediation and basically spent the whole time saying poor me... I'm a victim here. He did not worry about Zack once. His demands and desires were solely for his benefit. Even though we had talked about Zack's stress at overnights and even though he had originally agreed that he would do whatever needed to be done for Zack, once he was in the mediation room overnights were off the table. He was keeping them, Zack would need to adjust. They would put him to bed earlier or they would limit his fluids.

I never wanted to face punch someone so much as I did right at that moment. Luckily we were in two separate rooms for mediation so all I could do was sit in my room and fume.

In Iowa, we heard from three different lawyers, it is almost impossible to get overnights taken away if a parent is currently clean. As far as we know, he still is. (I think we will be testing him again next week) So our only option was to give on something so he would give on overnights. That something ended up being supervision.

I am sick to my stomach....

We also had to agree to take Zack to a new counselor. He said we picked this one and the counselor was on our side. That we had told him everything and he already didn't like FoTB before he ever met him. This will be the third counselor my son has had to see in 4 1/2 years.

Our side of the agreement, from now until the foreseeable future he only has him every other Saturday 8-5 & Sunday 8-5. No overnights until the new counselor says that she or he feels it is appropriate. I'm hopeful by that point he will be five. Maybe five and a half and more able to cope with what is sure to be the added stress of having to stay over there again.

If we are lucky she or he will never recommend overnights. Or FoTB will decide that this person is mean to him too and that they don't like him and then we will have some more evidence against why he is a crappy parent. Not that we don't already know that. Heck, the mediator met him for 3 hours and she knew that. She all but told us that... right before she said but unfortunately, in the state of Iowa you have to lay more groundwork. What he has done is bad but it is not bad enough and here is how you lay the groundwork in case he fails at this too....

How is it that someone who only knows him for three hours can know that but the family court system in our state can not?

A deal with the devil.... the best we can do... and now we pray....

Why not termination?

2011-08-12T10:45:00.004-05:00

I had a question from someone yesterday wondering why we had switched from termination to limited visitation and questioning if that was really what was best for Zack.

I suppose, as is likely to happen, such things go on outside of this place and I don't really explain them fully here so it looks like maybe this was a rash or quick decision on our part. Trust me when I tell you, the decision to allow visits has not been an easy one. I have lost many hours of daytime and sleep time to worry over this. To concern that I was not doing the right thing. That we were making the wrong choices or that perhaps there was another option. But there is not.

In reality and in a perfect world, we think that termination is what is best for Zack. He still has a lot of anxiety around FoTB. Anxiety which doesn't really seem to be lessening. He saw him for two hours on Wednesday. I was there the whole time. Last night it was 9:45 and he was still lying in his bed, staring at his ceiling.

However, in the great state of Iowa, none of this makes one ounce of difference. In Iowa if a biological parent is sober and wants to visit their child, they are allowed to. Regardless of how negatively that visit affects said child. In this case, said child happens to be my son.

Our lawyer puts our chances of termination right around 1%. Maybe 2%. There is a clause for habitual drug offenders but since he only failed one drug test and has passed several since then the judge is likely to say, look he turned his life around..... Termination is hard and we are not millionaires. We have already spent over a grand on a lawyer and we are not even to court yet. This has all just been for preliminary stuff.

So, we have to work towards what we know we can get. We have to fight for the things that we can make happen and right now that is to limit visits as much as we can. FoTB goes back and forth on whether he wants to be part of Zack's life. He didn't call for two months and then called for a week and then when I called him out on just trying to impress his lawyer and his girlfriend he stopped calling again.

Zack doesn't miss him. On Tuesday night he played baseball with Jim for 45 minutes. He would have played longer but we had to get him dinner and get him to bed. On Wednesday the first thing he told me when I picked him up was that he had a good day and one more good day and he could play baseball with Daddy (Jim) again. Last night they were out playing again.

Zack has a dad in his life. He doesn't need long stretches with FoTB for father/son bonding time. He doesn't need weekend visits to have a good male role model. So, since our state refuses to take away all visits, we are going to try to limit them as much as possible. It is not a perfect solution but it is the hand we have been dealt and we are trying to make the best of it.

Thoughts on Visits

2011-08-11T09:56:00.002-05:00

Did you have fun?

Yeah.... Mom?

Yes buddy...

Dad didn't make any bad choices when we were at the beach.

Well that's good.

***************************
Did you have fun playing at the park?

Yeah... it's good that you were there.

Yup, I told you I would stay the whole time.

But he didn't do anything bad at the park.... if he would have I would have had to tell you.

***************************

Mediation is on Monday. I'm torn. Zack has wet the bed both days after his nine hour visits. FoTB hasn't called to talk to Zack since last Friday. And even then, he was calling to talk to me... Zack was sort of an, if he is there.

Last night he had a visit at the park that I supervised. (He didn't want to do it... he wanted to move the visit so he could be at his house sitting on his couch. I made him show up at the park and interact with his son.) I had to tell him what to get for Zack for dinner. When I told Zack what he was bringing him this was his answer:

Mom, did you tell him to go to McDonald's to get the chicken nuggets? If he gets tacos did you tell him Taco Bell? Did you tell him what I like on them so he gets the right stuff?

Even at four and a half he knows his dad does not know those things about him. If Jim was the one bringing him food he never would have even questioned me. That dad knows what he likes. That dad knows him, the other one visits him.

Once he got to the visit and they ate he looked confused on what he should do next. I made him leave his girlfriend's son at home so it was just him and Zack. One on one time and he looked positively out of his skin on how to handle it. (We have figured out that for the most part Zack goes there and he sends him off to play with the other little boy or takes him to his mom's to play.) Finally he just started following Zack around. He was the only parent of a child over 2 in the play structure, just following him around doing whatever he did for an hour and a half.

When we got done Zack said to me:

I wanted someone to play with, so I just played with him.

He is an uncle, a playmate, a guy to hang out with. Not to be trusted, not to be alone with, but ok to be around for awhile.

And here is where I am torn. Zack doesn't trust him, he doesn't want to be alone with him and he doesn't want to be with him for long periods of time but he does seem to want some interactions with him. So I am back to feeling like it is in Zack's best interest for him to at least have some contact with him.

I know FoTB will fight me on this. I know he will want to go back to every other weekend, (no overnights) but in all reality, thus far 9 hours on a Saturday has been too long. Wouldn't it be best for Zack to see him five hours and be happy than 18 hours and be miserable? How do I make FoTB understand that?

I am hopeful that Monday will bring some answers but I am not holding my breath. This could still be a long road...

Mick

2011-08-08T13:41:00.001-05:00

Meet the newest member of our family. Jim loves him. Zack adores him. He is slowly growing on me. Consequently he has picked me as his favorite and follows me everywhere. He is determined to win me over. Don't tell him but it might be working.

I told you...

2011-08-02T13:26:00.004-05:00

This weekend we were watching TV and an infomercial came on for a pen that is supposed to fix scratches on cars. This product... if you're interested....

As we were watching Zack turned to Jim and proclaimed with all seriousness that we NEEDED that product. That it was very important that we get it right away. (As a side note, he is four, we need EVERY product they sell on TV according to him....) Consequently, we just told him sure, whatever and moved on with our weekend.

Then last night, as I was pulling out of the parking lot I turned the corner too sharply and clipped a rock that they were using as landscaping. When we got to daycare today I remembered it and was on the passenger side of my car assessing the damage when Zack came up.

"What are you looking at?"

"I hit a rock last night and it scratched my car. See right there?"

"See!! I TOLD you we needed that thing from TV!! If we had that we could fix it!!"

It's a good thing my four year old knows everything, I would be lost without him.

Good indeed...

2011-07-29T15:44:00.002-05:00

"Zackary do you know mommy thinks you are simply adorable?"

"Yeah..... hey mom.... it's a good thing you had me and not some other kid."

Yeah little man... a good thing indeed....

Emails to FoTB

2011-07-26T13:17:00.010-05:00

Over the last two weeks I have sent a series of emails to FoTB. If you wonder why I'm not posting here... I'm too busy dealing with behaviors and/or writing emails. After the latest incident we took a sort of gloves off approach with him in our communications. We are not rude, per say, but we are direct.

For the last two years or so people have sugar coated things for him. No one has told him directly what his actions have done to Zack and no one has called him outright on his BS. Perhaps that is one of the faults of working within the system for as long as we did (we were DHS involved for about 15 months).

After DHS dropped out, it became about avoiding the conflicts. If something was going to become a fight we sort of took a how important is it approach. However, the only thing that got us was compounding problems. What was something minor just sort of snowballed into a lot of much larger problems until, as you have probably figured out, we have found ourselves here. We go to mediation on the 15th to try to work out a different visitation schedule.

Until that point, when things arise we are now addressing them directly, instead of avoiding the conflict. Last Wednesday when we went to pick up Zack he wouldn't even make eye contact with us or speak more than two words to us. I don't think he likes this new way of doing things....

"My question to you is why and how would you allow this to happen? How would you ever think it was ok to act this way at all, let alone in front of your son who is already scared of you because of the domestic abuse he witnessed?"

"We try everything in our power to encourage Zack that he will enjoy his visits with you. That he will have a great time. That said, you need to remember that his first lasting memory and impression of you is that of you throwing a glass at my head and screaming at me. [...] When you become upset like this, Zack assumes that someone is going to be hurt. Zack has yet to develop a sense of comfort and security around you and now this happens. On Saturday you scared Zack so badly that he ended up wetting his bed and had two night's in which he could not sleep. [...] This should not be happening to a 4 year old....EVER!"

"Zack is terrified of you when you act like this and he spends each visit on pins and needles wondering if it will happen again. [...] Zack has said he likes to visit the three of you. However, when he is asked if he would like to have a visit with just you his answer is no. He has repeatedly told us and Dr. B that he would not want to go if it was just him and FoTB."

"We cannot tell you what to do in order to begin building a bond and a relationship with Zack. That is up you. However, the truth of the matter is, no matter what you may believe, nothing you have done over the past 2 years has done anything to foster it."

"At some point, your focus needs to turn to 100% about what is in Zack's best interest as it pertains to Zack."

"You are in a position where you need to create an atmosphere and environment where Zack can begin to trust, respect and love you without fear. [...] Should you not do this and should Zack continue to feel this way about you, he will in the long run, decide by himself, the fate of your relationship with him."

"First of all, I am a bit confused by the recent phone calls you have made both yesterday and this evening. You went two months without calling, texting or emailing me to check on Zack or his well being. [...] On the 14th, and the 19th, I sent you two emails regarding Zack and his behaviors both at home and at daycare since we started visits again, and you never contacted me to discuss his behaviors [...] Then suddenly, we set a mediation date [...] and you start calling two days in a row."

"Look, I am all for you trying to change your life and make things better for Zack but I have to wonder if you are calling because you want to, or because [girlfriend] or [lawyer] told you to. Given the fact that, left to your own devices, you did not call, text or email for almost two months, I am left feeling as if it is the latter and if that is the case, just know that you are not doing Zack by favors by calling him because someone told you to."

"If [...] you really do miss talking to him, then I think now is probably an appropriate time to set a few ground rules for phone calls."

"When you were calling before and he said he didn't want to talk your answer was always why not? I miss you... I want to talk to you. Don't you want to talk to me? It is inappropriate to put a guilt trip on a four year old. He is entitled to his own thoughts and feelings and if he doesn't want to talk on a certain night he should not have to be questioned as to why."

"Secondly, there are certain nights that we are busy or have things going on. [...] it is not helpful for you to leave me messages getting angry that I didn't answer or that we didn't call you back."

"Finally, when you are talking to him it is not appropriate to ask him if he misses you or he loves you. It is not his job to validate those feelings for you and it makes Zack really uncomfortable. [...] He is entitled to his own feelings and he should be able to say what he feels, not what someone else wants him to say."

"Also, as I mentioned before, I have sent you two emails regarding Zack's behavior and have gotten no feedback from you on how you feel about addressing the behavior. [...] Again, I think it would be very helpful for us to get into some sort of co-parenting counseling together to address some of these issues. It seems as if you are not fond of Dr. B because he asked you to get the drug evaluation but right now, he is the most likely choice as Zack trusts him and he could help the two of you work on Zack's trust issues with you as well."

Sometimes the truth is the best and hardest thing you can say to someone. At the end of the day, it has to be about Zack and nothing he has done has made me believe that Zack is his first priority. Unfortunately, in my inability to speak up, I have probably given off that impression in areas as well. That is all changing now......

Anger Management...

2011-07-20T15:23:00.002-05:00

So much has been happening since last Friday that I'm not even sure where to begin. Often when there is a million different things running through my head I find it helpful to make a list, so that is what I'm going to do. Please excuse the somewhat jumbled format of this post but if you have questions or want me to expand on anything, feel free to leave a comment or email me.

On Friday, Zack had a great day at daycare. As a reward, Jim picked him up and too him out to dinner and then they had boy time while I went to a meeting

On Saturday FoTB got his first full day with Zack since the end of May

Rather than spend that day at home, bonding with his son and catching up on all he missed he chose to get in a car with his girlfriend and drive two hours each way to her Grandma's house (who has no air conditioning in this 110 degree heat)

So of the nine hours he had him at least four of those hours were spent in the car

When we picked up Zack at 5:00 pm they said the visit went fine

On Sunday, Zack wet the bed again

He had not wet the bed in over a month

Then he cried in church

He never cries in church

Then he refused to sleep, two hours lying in his bed grinding his teeth, clenching his fists and most importantly... not sleeping

Monday he had an appointment with his counselor where I expressed my extreme concern at the behaviors we were seeing after just one nine hour visit with them

When I left the room his counselor asked him if he was scared

He told him yes

He then asked him what his dad did that was scary

Zack told him a story of FoTB yelling at the girlfriend's son and then slamming on the brakes, pulling the car over to the side of the road and trying to get Zack out of the car but he couldn't because the girlfriend locked the doors

After a text to the girlfriend it was established that this incident happened on Saturday when they were having a visit

It was 115 degree heat index on Saturday, what the hell did he plan to do? Stand on the side of the road and wait for his mom to arrive?

On top of which, he had not had a full day with his son in over 45 days and he couldn't control himself for nine hours

Consequently, we now know exactly why Zack wet the bed on Sunday morning

Lawyers were called, game plans were made, an email was drafted and then sent to FoTB and to the girlfriend explaining our concerns

There is no law against him acting like an idiot and yelling in front of his son

So we went with the honesty approach, we stopped sugar coating everything when it comes to him and Zack

The email explained to him that Zack is terrified of him and that every time he acts like this he only makes it that much worse

It explained that if he does not get his act together and start controlling himself it will not be us that decide that he can't see Zack, it will be Zack who decides that he doesn't want to see him

I hate all of this

Every bit of it

Zack has to go there for two hours again tonight

He has only been over there twice and already they are once again questioning him and making him question his thoughts and feelings

Why don't you want to spend the night over here? You have fun when you come here don't you? etc.

It makes me sad for him

Did I mention I hate all of this?

The visit...

2011-07-15T08:44:00.003-05:00

Ahh.... the visit...

Well, the visit its self went fine. At least it seemed to. I picked a third party supervisor, FoTB's uncle, whom I feel comfortable with and whom I felt would keep Zack's best interest forefront for the entire visit.

The aftermath of the visit... not so great. First of all when we got there I got cornered by his girlfriend and asked all sorts of prodding questions about why she couldn't be a supervisor and what we were hoping to accomplish with all of this. Luckily Jim realized what was happening and got out of the car to come inside with me.

I won't rehash every detail but basically she wanted to know why she couldn't be supervisor - we picked a non-interested third party because a week ago you tried to kidnap our son. She also wanted to know (yes... she speaks for him... I controlled him, his mom controlled him, and now she controls him... is it any wonder he refuses to grow up?) why we felt overnights were so bad and if we were willing to give some extra time to them during the week to make up for time they were missing if they didn't have overnights.

I asked her what time they were missing and that is when she hit me with well, if you take him at 7 and we pick him up at five we are missing a few hours. He only sleeps 7 - 8 hours. Ummm.... ding, ding, ding... there is your problem. No, he sleeps 10 - 11 hours, every night, consistently. And that is why we want the overnights taken away.

Of course he had to make some smart ass comment about how he tried to do this without lawyers but no... we had to go and get our lawyer involved. To which I reminded him, that actually, if we wanted to get our facts straight... I tried to do this without lawyers four months ago when I offered to pick Zack up at 7:00 at night and bring him back at 8:00 the next morning, thereby only inconveniencing me and they flat out refused and told me he would just have to adjust.

Then... and this one is lovely... then she hit us with, well if we are amending the visitation I think it is important that we put in a time line for when we will go to joint custody.....

**chirp, chirp... can you hear the crickets**

Excuse me? You think what? FoTB screws up and you have the nerve to think we are going to agree to MORE custody? Needless to say, we politely declined her request and simply said that we had no way of knowing when that would be and that we were not willing to put in a certain age because we had no way of knowing what Zack would be comfortable with.

They are oblivious to the fact that anything could possibly be their fault. At one point FoTB asked me how I could say that Zack's complete turn around was because he hadn't seen him. Well, because it happened in the time he hasn't seen you. He of course came back with well, he has been seeing a counselor. Actually, if you would pay any attention to your son at all you would know that he had been seeing the counselor for a month BEFORE all of this happened. But hey... who is counting.

As for Zack, his fallout from all of this has been just as great. Yesterday he hit someone, he kicked someone, he pushed someone, he spit on someone, he yelled no at his teachers, he ripped a book.... need I go on?

I took the opportunity last night to email FoTB and explain to them a few things. First of all, his girlfriend gets to be supervisor (on the advice of our lawyer and in the great spirit of giving a little to get a little) but we reiterated our desire to remove the overnights from the custody agreement. We also explained to them the day he had yesterday in the hopes that perhaps they would see, or at least no longer be able to deny that they knew, that their presence does affect Zack's life.

Do I think this is because of something they did wrong? No. Do I think it means that he hates it over there and should never go back? Not necessarily. I think it just means that Zack is confused. FoTB was there and then he wasn't and now he is again. I'm sure there is part of him that was happy to see him again and part of him that was scared of what will happen and the anxiety he felt before.

More than anything it shows me that FoTB needs to get his sh!t together or he needs to disappear because being in and out of Zack's life like this is too hard on him.

One day at a time... hopefully today will be better....

They made him go

2011-07-13T17:39:00.001-05:00

I think that post title explains it all. A meeting of the minds this morning. Counselor, lawyer, me. We don't want him to go but legally we have no other option. Fully supervised by a supervisor of my choosing we can not make the argument that we have a safety concern. Without it I am in contempt with no defense. So, he has to go. I want to cry. I dropped him off at 5:00. 7:00 can not get here soon enough.

The family court system in this state sucks.....

Treading Water

2011-07-12T10:24:00.003-05:00

Well, we are still here. I really have no new news to report right now either. It has been back and forth and back and forth with my lawyer and the counselor and FoTB's lawyer but no "official" paperwork has been filed.

As of right now, I have not heard anything from FoTB since last Wednesday. He was supposed to contact me to set up an agreeable supervisor for a visit tomorrow night. He has not called or text me and it is 10:30 am. I am operating under the assumption that a visit will not be happening. I told my lawyer that I felt I needed at least 24 hours notice to approve the supervisor and discuss with them my expectations for the visit so the time for that is closing in quickly.

As for whether there will be a visit at all, that is still up in the air. If he arranges a supervisor and we withhold the visit, per Zack's counselors strong recommendation, we could be found in contempt of court. If we send him, against Zack's counselor's recommendation we could be doing further damage to Zack. Who, according to the counselor yesterday, seems happy and well adjusted to this change that has happened.

However, if he never contacts us to setup a supervisor or a visit, we are not in contempt, there is just no visit. We are banking on that option right now. Every time my phone buzzes I jump. My heart beats a little faster as I check it to see who it was that text me. Was it him, does he want his visit? So far, nothing....

So, we wait. We tread water a little while longer hoping to stay afloat for another day....

He did what??

2011-07-07T16:08:00.002-05:00

Even now... as I try to type this, I can feel my heart start to beat faster and my breath catches in my chest. Even now... over 24 hours later it is still terrifying to me....

Yesterday, my ex husband tried to "kidnap" our child.

I use the quotes in that sentence only because he never got his hands on him, and I am uncertain as to the duration that he planned to keep him, not because I am any less terrified by the prospect of what could have happened.

On Friday he took the last of the four weekly drug tests required of him by our original divorce decree. However, he did not provide me with the results of that drug test. Per the original decree once he had passed four UA's, no less than one week apart, he was supposed to start supervised visits again the Wednesday following when notice was given of his clean UA.

Notice was given to me yesterday at 12:30 pm.

On top of giving me notice he was also supposed to contact me and arrange for a mutually agreeable third party supervisor to be present at the visit. FoTB has not communicated with me at all since Friday, June 24th.

So, considering no supervisor had been arranged and he did not give me notice until 12:30 yesterday I was under the assumption that no visit was to take place yesterday.

At 1:30 pm my phone rang and it was the director of Zack's daycare. She was calling to ask me what was going on because she had received a call from FoTB saying that him, or his mother, would be there to pick up Zack.

He planned to just go to daycare and pick up Zack without saying a single word to me. I would have gotten to daycare at 5:30 and Zack would have been gone and I would have had no idea where he was.

WHO DOES THAT??

Who just picks up a child from daycare without informing the person who has primary custody of said child? A child whom he has had no contact with in 36 days and whom he has not asked about since the 24th of June.

My hands began to shake as soon as I got off the phone with her and within 15 minutes my mom was on her way to get Zack. When I questioned FoTB his answer was that he had given me notice so he was entitled to a visit.

No care or concern was given to Zack's well being. No care or concern was given to the fact that he had not arranged a supervisor or told ME that he was planning on picking up Zack. He was just going to go there and pick him up and lord only knows when I would have gotten him back. What hoops I would have had to jump through. Would he have just stuck to the normal visit schedule? Would he have refused to let me come pick him up?

Even now, it makes me want to throw up knowing that he tried it. Knowing that he had every intention of just taking him from daycare without telling me.

He is not in his right mind right now. Do meth addicts ever recover a right mind? Either way, Zack's counselor says he is not safe around Zack and I agree. Steps have been taken to ensure that this does not happen again. Rules have been put in place, organizations have been contacted, and yet... I feel no comfort sitting here at my desk. I feel like a line has been crossed and invisible barrier I had in place to give me comfort (at least he has never tried to take him from daycare) has been shattered and I am left here, trying to pick up the pieces.

The next step, he is pulled from that daycare and transferred somewhere else. Somewhere where FoTB can't find him until all of this is over. I don't want to do that, I don't want to make this harder for Zack then I'm sure it already is but I will do whatever I have to to keep him safe.

This is starting to get really ugly and I fear this is only the beginning.....

The Failure of the Social System

2011-07-05T13:58:00.002-05:00

Last week I posted an update about being contacted by FoTB's lawyer and the process which we were beginning. On that post, a lovely reader asked a question about Social Workers. Basically to the effect of have we tried contacting and/or talking to someone from social services.

Ahhh.... the joys of the Iowa Department of Human Services...

Also known as... big fat failure to our kids....

Want proof?

Back at the beginning of May when this all started I emailed our old DHS worker asking her what I could do because FoTB had left Zack and an eight year old alone, overnight in a tent. She was appalled and immediately told me to call the 1-800 number and file a report with social services.

So I did and they came out right away. And from the moment I met with the lady in my living room (Intake person, not our old worker) I knew that while she wanted to help me... there was absolutely nothing she could do. Her hands were tied, the laws were the laws in our state and what he did is not "bad enough."

So she met with him and he told her he did in fact check on the boys over night and that was enough. Unfounded child abuse claim... case closed. Never mind that there were 2 - 3 hour spans in there where the boys were fully unsupervised. Never mind that at any point my son could have wondered off during that period... nope, he checked on them so that is all that is needed.

During that same visit she also asked him about putting Zack on a motorcycle. His answer, it is not illegal. Really, that is what we are using to justify what is right and wrong? In that case, my gutters need cleaned so I'm just going to put Zack out on my roof and have him clean them. What?? It's not illegal!! (Please note the EXTREEEEEEEEMMMMM sarcasm here and the fact that I will not even let him be in a room on our second floor with the window open for fear he will fall through the screen let alone on our roof....)

N-E-Way... so we move on, and right before she is due to close that investigation he drops a dirty drug test. So once again, I email my old DHS worker and once again, she is appaled and tells me to contact the intake worker and/or call the abuse hotline.

So..... I call the intake worker and I explain to her that Zack has described watching FoTB roll a joint to his counselor and now FoTB has dropped a dirty drug test. Her answer, was first one of, I don't really want to be bothered send me how you know this and I will get back to you.

After a week and a half she finally met with Zack, in a room without us or his counselor where she claims he told her that he had heard the story not seen it first hand. He is four, how did you ask him, what EXACTLY did he say? She would not tell us but her suggestion to us was to go to family court.

I would like to help you, but I can't. The courts often ask how high was he and since Zack is saying he heard the story this will get overturned. Go to family court.

So, that is our experience with Iowa DHS. Completely worthless. Everyone WANTS to help us but no one can. Everywhere we turn there is another loophole, another catch 22 that makes it so in this case, for this reason, nothing can be done.

And once again, I say to you... in the State of Iowa, the Department of Human Services and the family court system is failing the children. Every time you see a story on the news of another child that was abused, fell through the cracks, died at the hands of someone who had been investigated 2, 4, 6 times already by DHS this is why.

Because everywhere I turn to try to help my child, to try to keep him safe I am turned away. Because right now, it is just not bad enough. Because right now there is not the money or the resources to keep the children safe. Because right now, the only person who will stand to be an advocate for my child in this state is me.

And so it begins...

2011-06-30T15:27:00.004-05:00

Today we were contacted by FoTB's attorney. Or rather.... my attorney was contacted by FoTB's attorney. So far, he has passed three drug test... if he passes a fourth this week he wants to start visits with Zack again.

I'm not ok with that. Not in any way shape or form. His attorney has threatened that if I don't send Zack they will file a contempt of court motion against me and I could be held in contempt and fined or possibly given jail time. I am actually more ok with that option.....

Over the last 30 days I have often wondered if this was worth the fight. If maybe we should just go back to the visitation schedule we already fought so hard for two years ago....

And then today, I got these pictures, the first of my wedding pictures... a sort of sneak peak...

And as I scroll through these pictures...

I know without a doubt that this is 100% worth it...

Possible fines and jail time and all....

I know I've said it before but I will say it again, in Iowa, the family court system which is designed to help the children is failing the children. The very individuals it is set up to keep safe are continually falling through the cracks.

I refuse to let Zack be one of those children. If the court systems won't keep him safe, I will.

Update

2011-06-27T13:46:00.003-05:00

Well, for any of you still out there reading I thought I should pop in and provide you with an update on the goings on around here. It has now been 27 days that we have been dealing with this fiasco and it feels very much like we are still at the starting line.

So here is what I know, right now our goal is still termination. FoTB has passed three drug tests, one on the 9th, one on the 16th and one on the 24th. However, we have STRONG suspicions that he is fixing the tests. (Certain hard core drugs can essentially be peed out of your system in 2 - 3 days and since right now he is responsible for when he takes the test he can also make sure he only uses at certain times)

On the 9th after he passed he called me to ask to talk to Zack, I told him only after the counselor approved it. He FREAKED out on us on the phone. Telling Jim that he "didn't know who he was messing with" and asking him if he wanted to "come over and talk about it in person."

On Friday after passing his latest test at 1:00 in the afternoon we saw him on the "bad side" of town at 6:00 with a suspicious looking person in his car. (We were cutting down a side street on our way to a concert with Zack.) As soon as we passed his car he immediately called me and asked what I was doing over there and where I was going. Then he gave me some excuse about picking up someone for a meeting.

His girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (not sure what state that relationship is in) told me that he told her he was taking someone to the Whitehouse. (A recovery house in Des Moines) HOWEVER... we saw him at 6:00 and the meeting there does not start until 8:00. No one goes 90 minutes early to a meeting. Plus, he was going the opposite direction of the meeting.

SOO... like I told her, it just seems all to reminiscent of 2 1/2 years ago....

Zack meets with his counselor again tomorrow and FoTB is supposed to meet with him next Wednesday. After that meeting on the 6th is probably when we will know more. We need the counselor to recommend termination for us to have a good chance at it. Our lawyer thinks without that, the courts may not agree to it.

Seriously? A man can put his son in danger time and time again and they just keep handing him back to him?

DHS can't do anything. It was just pot after all. The court will argue, how high was he? The courts will argue that maybe Zack just heard the story, didn't really see it. He's four, he can't remember something I told him five minutes ago... really?

That is the part of the system that angers me...

According to our lawyer if we put safeguards in place like the drug tests and the supervision then the courts think that is what is supposed to keep Zack safe. Quite frankly, after dealing with this for 27 days....

I fully understand why people pack up with their kids and run away to keep them safe. Because the system that is set up to protect kids... it fails... miserably....

I do....

2011-06-16T14:36:00.006-05:00

Somewhere in all the craziness of dealing with DHS & Lawyers & FoTB I went and got married.

The day was warm and sunny and absolutely perfect in every way....

And now, I get to spend the rest of my life with this man....

And I couldn't be happier about it....

The Good and the Bad...

2011-06-01T22:07:00.005-05:00

In about 12 days it will be my six year anniversary in the blogging world. I started my original blog on 06/13/05. And since that very first post, I have used this space as a place to relate to people, to tell my story and to come to when I am at my very best and also at my very worst.

In two days and 18 hours I am getting married. One of the happiest days of my life.

Yet right now, I am here for one of the hardest. Good and bad all mixed together in a hodge podge of emotions and thoughts that I need to get out of my brain and on to paper so perhaps I can sleep. After all, I have 100 chairs to move tomorrow... I need my beauty rest.

So how do I say this to all of you? Bluntly seems to be the only way to start out the story....

Yesterday, at a counseling appointment, Zack told his counselor about the homemade "cigarettes" he watched his dad (FoTB) make. The counselor called me into the room and Zack retold the story about the paper that dad rips off and the stuff from the little bag that he puts on it and then he rolls it up and lights it on fire.

Today, FoTB tested dirty for marijuana.

I am sick to my stomach. I have been since yesterday. Several people in my life have said that this is a good thing, this means that we may finally get him out of Zack's life. Yet, I can't help but think, how in the world can the fact that my son watched his biological father roll and then smoke a joint EVER be a good thing.

My baby. My four year old son who has already in his lifetime been taken to a drug house at nine weeks, been away from his father for 7 months, been in the middle of a domestic altercation in which he watched his father verbally abuse and then throw things at his mother at 2 years old and now watched his father roll a joint at four years old. My son who is now on his second counselor in two years. An idea that to most people, including the insurance company lady I had to talk to to get pre-approval, seems so sad and so unheard of.

I am not mourning the loss of his biological father. When we told him he would not be able to see him or talk to him for awhile his reaction was to say yay, I don't want to go there anymore. I am instead mourning the loss of my child's innocence. Stolen way to soon by a man with no concept of what damage he has already done.

A man who still denies any wrong doing. (Apparently they are teaching joint rolling 101 on Sesame Street now...) A man who called me today to try to talk me out of turning him in. Who promised once again to get his life in order, that this was just a one time incident, that it was just a couple hits, that he had never bought anything, etc., etc., etc.

Even in the face of absolute truths, he can not admit to them....

Right now, I am sitting here, typing this with my angel in the next room and my heart hurts and soars for him all at once. He has lost his innocence. He has lost the ability to ever trust what that man has to bring to his life but in 2 days he will be gaining so much more. In two days we will all be a family and Jim will be the dad he needs. The man to teach him what trust and love and truth are. The man who will show him how a dad is supposed to treat his mom and him.

I know that this too shall pass. It always does. Every storm eventually ends and people begin to pick up the pieces. For right now, we have a minimum of one month to plan our clean up strategy. To get our heavy equipment into place and make sure that the next time we build a wall to keep the hurricane out, we build it even taller and stronger. For now that is all we can do. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other............

Unfinished Business

2011-05-19T13:33:00.002-05:00

Things are still pretty much up in the air with everything right now.

Zack has to go to FoTB's house this weekend and quite frankly it makes me want to throw up. BUT... lacking any new evidence and the fact that the police did not see grounds to file any charges we are sort of stuck in limbo.

He and his girlfriend called us on Friday night, we talked for about an hour. 15 minutes of it with her because he stormed out of the house to throw a fit and take off on a motorcycle ride. Her I can deal with... him... not so much. At one point he told us that he had to have his mom come over when we did pickup before because he was so angry that we had talked to the police and DHS and he couldn't control nor be responsible for what he did when he was angry.

Why yes, yes this is the sort of person I want around my child.... (please read the sarcasm in that statement)

As for Zack, he started meeting with a counselor last Wednesday. He comes highly recommended and if he finds that Zack is continuing to have anxiety regarding visits and that he thinks they should be shortened or lessened then we will try to get that done. At a bare minimum we would at least like to make them easier for Zack and from what we've been told this is the place to start.

Unfortunately, when you start any journey it just takes time. We only meet with him once a week and it could take him several weeks before he starts to get anything useful out of the sessions. So for now... we wait....

On another front, we got the entire wedding ceremony written out yesterday (Probably 10 - 15 minutes) and in about an hour we will be going to get our marriage license so things are definitely moving forward on that front. Only 16 more days....

Feeling Defeated

2011-05-12T10:22:00.000-05:00

Once again I have done everything that I know of to keep my son safe and once again he has fallen through the cracks.

FoTB lied to the police, I'm assuming he lied to DHS as well. The word from the police is that he stayed out there until the boys went to sleep (he did not, Zack said they were alone in the tent and it was dark and scary) and then he got up twice to check on them in the night. I'm SURE he did not... I would bet large sums of money on it in fact....

BUT... because it now becomes his word against ours, there is nothing they can do. I'm assuming that the findings by DHS will be much of the same and we are back to square one. Nothing was fixed and now things are worse between me and FoTB than they were before. Last night he made his mom come with him to pick up Zack at 5:00 and when we got there to pick up Zack at 7:00 he opened the door, shoved him out and closed it. How in the world are we supposed to discuss ANYTHING that may come up regarding Zack when he acts like a little kid?

So right now I just feel defeated.... again....

We have hired a counselor for Zack. Someone to try to make this all easier for him because no one will listen to us. No one will listen to the fact that Zack still hates going there, still cries when he has to talk to FoTB on the phone still doesn't want to be over there for more than a couple of hours. I just hope maybe someone will listen to this guy....

I'm considering a gallon of ice cream and a LONG nap... think it will help??

Red Tape

2011-05-10T10:40:00.003-05:00

On Saturday FoTB left Zack and an 8 year old boy in a tent in their back yard alone, all night, unsupervised.

I don't even know where else to go with that. Into what would have happened if he would have left the tent and walked into one of the three really major roads all within 2 - 10 blocks of him? Or fallen into the pond 10 blocks away? Or fallen into a neighbors pool? Or been taken by someone? Or any other number of things that could have happened to my four year old overnight with no adult supervision.....

I am sick to my stomach. I have been sick to my stomach for two days. I am pulling out every stop I know. DHS, Police Department, Lawyer, Counselor, I keep running into red tape at every turn. What he did was bad, very, very bad parenting in fact but is it illegal... well... we are not sure. It may not be bad enough...

I do not want to wait for what he does with my son to be bad enough.... I do not want my son to have to be the example... the one that got really hurt before they would do anything.

One Month

2011-05-04T12:39:00.002-05:00

One month from today I will be getting ready for my wedding....

One month from today I will be walking down a makeshift isle towards a man who loves me and my son despite any feelings of "brokenness" I have sometimes felt.

One month from today we will be celebrating our new life together with our family and friends.

One month from today I will once again be someones wife.

One month can't come soon enough....

Who's Best Interest?

2011-04-29T14:19:00.003-05:00

When we were working with DHS they continually told us it was in Zack's best interest to have a relationship with and/or contact with his biological father. At the beginning, I somewhat agreed. I didn't have Jim in my life (Our first date was the same day as FoTB's first visit with Zack) and I wanted to make sure he had at least some male influence in his life.

Now, the farther we get into this, the less I believe that may be the case.

At this point there is nothing I can or will do about it. I have said from the beginning that I will allow FoTB to be in Zack's life as long as he is sober and it will be Zack's choice to make up his own mind about him but it still makes me wonder if I mad the right choice.

For Zack, at four years old his mind is already pretty much made up about things. Over the last two or three months we have had several instances in which Zack has told me that something his dad did was wrong or not nice.

Two months ago Zack started not wanting to stay the night over there. Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it is the fact that they do not have a room for him so he has to sleep in FoTB's girlfriend's son's room. Maybe it is the fact that they do not have a single toy over there that is his. (We have one Iron Man we send back and forth with him so he will have something that is just his not J's toy that he can play with when he is there). Perhaps it is a million other reasons. We have asked him and gotten no real answers.

The point is, he didn't want to be there. And he told me so... several times. My only answer to him was that FoTB wanted to spend time with him too and that he would have to talk to him about coming home as I couldn't make him send Zack home. So one weekend he got up the courage to tell them. He was very vocal about it, in fact, and he told them he didn't want to stay the night.

He wanted to go home and sleep and come back in the morning. And do you know what these two lovely people told my four year old??

"You can't go home because your mom will get in trouble if you go home. This is our time with you and if she tells you that you can go home or if she comes and gets you she can get in a lot of trouble."

Do you have any idea what "Mom will be in trouble" means to a child who has witnessed domestic violence?

When we first picked him up he was sad. We asked him why and he told us he wanted to come home and his dad wouldn't let him. I told him that dad did let him call me (twice that weekend and he has NEVER let him call me before or since so I knew something was up) and his answer to me was I didn't want to call you I wanted to come home.

Strike one for FoTB. His answer then was that was not very nice of dad to not let me come home.

Then Monday night he started telling the story of the night FoTB was arrested again. He hadn't told that story in several months and so it seemed odd to us that he was telling it again out of no where. That Tuesday my niece came over to watch him. I'm fairly certain on any given day he would pick her over me... hands down. He LOVES her. And he cried... and cried... and cried when it was time for bed. He was scared, he missed me, etc.

Finally by Wednesday morning I had started to put two and two together and I sent Jim and email. Sure enough, a four year old who has witnessed domestic violence believes that when Mommy is in trouble it means that FoTB was going to come to our house and scream at me and throw things at my head again.

Strike two for FoTB. And Zack's answer once Daddy (Jim) explained to him that was never going to happen again and that he would keep Zack and me safe no matter what. "That was not very nice of my dad to say that."

Strike three was the motorcycle...

And just for good measure we throw in last night. Last night when we picked up Zack he was sitting on the front porch with FoTB while J and the neighborhood kids were playing in the driveway and the front of the house.

When he got in the car he was clearly pissed off. I asked him what was wrong and his answer was that my dad made me sit on the step with him and he wouldn't let me play with any of the other kids. I asked him what he had done wrong and his answer was nothing. (Zack usually cops to it if he is in trouble.) So I asked why he had to sit on the step and his answer was that Dad wanted to spend time with me so he said I couldn't play with the other kids.

Strike four.... "I am very mad that dad made me sit on the step. I wanted to play with the other kids. That was not very nice of him."

So, who's best interest are we really serving here? Zack's or FoTB's??

Frustrated

2011-04-27T13:23:00.011-05:00

On Saturday FoTB took my four year old on a motorcycle ride.

(As a side note: I know of at least a couple readers who have let their kids on a motorcycle or have watched other relatives kids on motorcycles ... this is not a judgement of you, it is strictly my opinion.)

I am 100% against young children on motorcycles. Why?

Let me count the reasons:

They are incredibly dangerous if an adult is in an accident, what do you think would happen to a child

They are heavy, if one falls over on a child it could crush the child and I know more than anyone that you do not need a head injury to die, it almost happened to my sister

There are people who have died because their motorcycle was rear ended, or in a minor accident that someone would have easily survived if they had been in a car

Just staying in a subdivision or going slowly does not mitigate the risks, what if a teenager is distracted and hits the motorcycle. Your going at a slow rate of speed but you wobble a little... where does your child go? On the pavement? What if the bike falls over... you break your leg, your child breaks their pelvis or crushes their internal organs.

Do I need to go on?

On top of the fact that I am against children on motorcycles, no matter the speed and where they go (i.e. it was just around our neighborhood) the fact that FoTB was driving it, one of the worst drivers on the planet, makes it 10 times worse.

Two weeks ago we picked up Zack from FoTB's house. On our way home this car FLEW past me and almost rear ended a semi. I thought it was a drunk driver from how erratically they were driving until I realized it was FoTB. I called Jim on his cell phone to confirm (he was about 500 yards in front of me) and he looked over to his left just in time to see FoTB fly by him. Yup... it was him. He then proceeded to weave in and out of traffic and left the road onto the shoulder no less than three times.

In fact, when he got said motorcycle a week ago I said to Jim, "Well, now I know how he is going to die." So the fact that he has my four year old on this bike, with his driving skills, compounds my fear.

On Monday night I tried talking to him. His answers were as follows, "We were not going to let either boy (his girlfriend has an 8 year old) ride the motorcycle again until we got them a helmet." Again... what will the helmet do if the bike falls on him and crushes his body? "You can't live in a bubble honey." #1... I am NOT your honey, #2... I don't think asking you not to take a four year old on a motorcycle is living in a bubble.

Since Iowa has seat belt laws and car seat laws I figured I would just talk to someone who knew the law, have them tell me OF COURSE that is illegal and have that to throw back at him. Unfortunately, it is not. According to the two police officers we talked to it is not illegal because no one thought it necessary to make a law about common sense and that no one was stupid enough to take a four year old on a motorcycle. Ahhh... they are wrong. I know someone.

The officers did tell us if they ever saw someone riding on the road with a child they would pull them over and offer them a stern talking to about how dangerous it was but they couldn't do much else.

So I contacted our DHS worker. Her answer was the same, it is not illegal so she can not stop him from doing it but she thought it was VERY dangerous and couldn't believe he would put his son in that position.

Finally, I moved on to my lawyer. Her answer was similar. A judge probably couldn't enforce that as it becomes Zack's word against FoTB unless we actively catch him on the motorcycle however, I could take him back to court and if the judge rules the activity too dangerous he could possibly take away visits or make them supervised again.

At the end of our conversation I did tell FoTB that I thought what he was doing was illegal and knowing him as I do he will probably not look it up so perhaps it will never happen again. After I told him that he told me he would "respect my wishes" and not take Zack out again. Which means, he has not thought at all about the ramifications of having Zack on there and instead is just saying he won't because I told him not to.

I told the lawyer I would contact her if he put Zack on the bike again and we would proceed with going back to court if we had to. In the end I'm just frustrated. The police officers, the DHS people, the lawyers all of them tell me how dangerous this is and how he should NOT be doing it yet not one of them can do anything to help me because no one would be dumb enough to do that would they?

I know someone.....

Group Invite

2011-04-22T09:36:00.003-05:00

We sent out our wedding inviations a few weeks ago. All of our RSVP's are online except for about 10. The people we knew were not tech savy or the older generation all received paper RSVP postcards.

Yesterday we received one back from one of Jim's relatives. We invited a husband and wife. They RSVP'd for six people....

No, you did not read that incorrectly... SIX...

They wrote in "6 six" so we would be sure to understand. There was no mistake.

WTH?? I'm so confused. Did they invite friends? Are they bringing their neighbors??

We asked his mom and her answer was she didn't know. We didn't invite their daughter or any of her three kids so they shouldn't be RSVPing for anyone besides themselves??

Should we call them and inquire? Would it be rude to send a follow up RSVP card with a little note saying perhaps you didn't understand the first one.... we invited two people... not six could you try this again?

Lack of Motivation...

2011-04-21T21:21:00.002-05:00

Tuesday I had the day off from work.

Yesterday I left work at 3:00.

Today I left work at 11:30.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

Tomorrow I may actually have to work a full day. I'm not sure I can handle a full day. Maybe I should go in late....

I find it odd how quickly it happens every year. Tax season ends, all of the rush, rush, rush is over and it goes from 60 hours a week to nothing over night. I'm struggling right now to re-find my motivation.

I hope it returns soon... I need to have some personal time left for the wedding and honeymoon.

House Cleaning

2011-04-20T10:29:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to do a bit of house cleaning today. Tax season is over and I'm trying to dust the cobwebs off of this old blog and get back to writing. There are things I have missed and things I have not about being here every day. I will try to focus more on the things I have missed. :-)

For right now, the last trace of the old blog has been taken away. I've been here for over a year now and I finally got my email changed. If you click on the link over there you will see the new email. My old one will stay active for awhile but I'm hoping to slowly phase that out. In 6 1/2 weeks (but I'm not counting or anything) I will be married and the last trace of that name will be gone from me.

For now, Zack will keep it, so it will still be a part of my life, just not a part of my identity any more.

There is one problem I am finding that I'm hoping perhaps some of you, if there are any of you left, can give me a hand with. I used to have bloglines. It was very easy to just put a link to my bloglines subscriptions and share with all of you what I was reading. That is not nearly so handy in google reader.

I've read a bit about making reading lists or groups but no where does there seem to be a standard share all feeds button. The alternative is to put what I'm reading over there on the right. But... I read A LOT... and so I think that could be cumbersome and distracting.

Any thoughts on this?

Two Months

2011-04-04T12:06:00.003-05:00

Two months until I marry the most amazing man I've ever met.

Two months until I get to be his wife.

Every time I think about it, every time I talk about it I get all giddy with excitement. Just ask any of the ladies I was hanging out with this weekend. I may need to be highly medicated in the next two weeks.

My confession for the day is that I did not have a clue this would happen. No really. I have been married once before. I just figured planning a wedding is planning a wedding. Nothing new, I wasn't this over the top excited the first time. I was sort of hum ho. It was all about the wedding, the perfect dress, the perfect cake, the perfect reception all of the details. I spent so much time and energy and money (thank you mom & dad... LOTS of money) on the first one and when it was over.... I was still ho hum.

In fact, our first big abusive fight happened on our honeymoon and it was all sort of down hill from there. Welcome to being my wife, here let me shove you down a hill into a parking garage.....

This time... this time it is SOOO different. The planning has been so easy and so laid back. (Except for the dresses... but that is over and they are bought... yippie!!)

Everything has also been much cheaper than we originally planned. We set out what we wanted, for people to come and have fun and celebrate us and our love, and we went from there. Does it matter if they come in jeans or slacks? Nope. Does it matter if they eat a $15 per plate catered meal or a hamburger? Yes... no one likes the $15 per meal options anyway... :-)

On Friday our invitations came in and then on Sunday we went and picked up Jim's ring. It is all sort of coming together nicely and I am over the moon ecstatic. In fact Jim has told me on more than one occasion it is a good thing he is so mellow because we couldn't handle that much enthusiasm under one roof.

Magic

2011-03-10T07:26:00.002-06:00

Mom, how did God put me in your tummy if he is all the way up in space?

Ummm.....

Magic kid, he used magic.

Friday Flashbacks...

2011-02-12T14:45:00.003-06:00

Originally posted January 7, 2010....

Even more true for me today than it was then....

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you
If you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
'The day before you

Was the last day that I ever needed alone
And I'm never going back
No I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
No I'm never going back
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

-- Rascal Flatts - The Day Before You

Four Months...

2011-02-04T13:18:00.002-06:00

The Knot.com just sent me an email entitled four months. For a moment I was confused. It can't be four months... maybe they are telling me what I need to do to get ready in the next four months. And then I looked at a calender and realized that they are right.... I am getting married four months from today.

And really, I only have one thing to say about that right now.....

Holy S^%& people!! I am getting married four months from today!! How the hell did that happen??

Seeing Past What It Seems

2011-01-28T13:05:00.002-06:00

I am not an email forwarder, I am not usually a link sharer but I can tell you, today at just the right moment I read something that touched me and so I am sharing it with you.

We Must See Past What it Seems…..

Go ahead, go read it. I will wait. Actually, if you go and you read it and you never come back for the rest of this post, you will have gotten what I wanted to share with you today.

Life, my friends, is not always what it seems.

I work with a girl who, by all accounts on the outside seems well put together. She shows up, she works, she lives a modest life and she has more financial problems than anyone can see from the outside. Her divorce ended badly, some debts that were supposed to be allocated to her ex-husband were in both of their names and even though the divorce decree says they are his, the debtors are coming after her. The courts answer, pay the debt and sue him. Sorry about your luck.

Yet I knew nothing about this until earlier today. All I knew was that sometimes I would see her cry. Sometimes, when she came back from the bathroom, or was in her cubicle, or in the copy room where she thought no one would see the tears would flow down her cheeks and her face would be all red the next time you saw her.

All of this, could have all too easily been me. Yet, until I asked this morning, I could have easily just assumed she was overly emotional. In fact, when another co-worker found out about this their reaction was she's still having problems? She needs money again? Oh, to be young and naive.....

Another girl offered her $20. Nothing much, just money to buy food. To eat, to live for the weekend and she cried. I'm sure tears of joy as well as tears of embarrassment. I remember having to ask, having to tell people, having to let anyone know that your life, behind the facade, is not what it seems.

So today, on my way back from physical therapy I took some money out of the ATM, put it in an envelope, and put it on her desk. She has no idea it was me, I have no intention of telling her. There are two other people in the office who know I did it, one because she is the one who told me about offering her money and the other because she sits right next to her, they have been sworn to secrecy. I do not want her to be embarrassed or feel like she owes me anything, I just want her to have it. It is not much but I know that she needs that money WAY more than I need to go out to dinner or to a movie this weekend. For her that money will be necessities, for me it will be luxuries. I can do with a few less luxuries in my week...

And then, almost by accident, I checked my spam filter and sitting in there, was an email with the link above. It was sent to me on Tuesday, I got it about 20 minutes ago. A sign from someone, somewhere letting me know that I did the right thing. That no one knows what secrets someone else may hide or what difficulties they may be facing and we need to remember to be gentle with other people. Their story may be more difficult than what it seems from the outside.

Dancing

2011-01-27T14:44:00.002-06:00

There are people who are born to dance. Every motion they make is like fluid movement. When they begin to sway in time to the rhythm you can't help but be mesmerized by their talent.

Then there are some people who hate to dance. As soon as the music starts playing they find the furthest chair from the dance floor and plop themselves down in it. Any attempt to get them up, even for a slow song, will be met with huge objection.

Finally, there is a third group of people. Those people that LOVE to dance..... but shouldn't. Those people that as they are walking towards the dance floor, you cringe. They look somewhat like a pig, rolling around under a blanket. And usually, there is not really enough alcohol in the world for you to think they dance well. Unfortunately there is usually plenty for them to think they do.

And my Zack... well, he belongs in that last group. As soon as that music turns on he starts to groove.... His head starts to bob and his body starts to wiggle and all you can do is stare...

Is it too early to teach him how to mosh? Because that may be his only hope....

Phone Calls

2011-01-26T09:01:00.002-06:00

The phone calls have stopped...

I believe I have touched on these calls before but for those of you who don't know or don't want to search back through my archives here is the readers digest version. When Zack was two and we were still DHS involved he started going to a counselor. This counselor suggested that perhaps to help strengthen their bond FoTB should try calling Zack once or twice between visits.

At that point he was never calling to check up on Zack or even texting me to see how he was doing and she thought that perhaps hearing his voice would help reinforce that he was still out there, even though Zack didn't see him, and it would make it easier for him to be happy going to visits.

FoTB, never the one to understand moderation, promptly set an alarm on his phone and has proceeded to call us, pretty much every night that he does not have Zack, for over a year now. We have tried to explain to him that perhaps every other day would be sufficient but it is all or nothing with him so he calls.

When he had his first girlfriend, about a year ago, if Zack told me he didn't want to talk, I didn't answer. Or I text and told FoTB he didn't want to talk. Apparently that made me a liar and a very large argument, one that may have helped with the demise of that relationship... oh darn... ensued. A compromise was reached in which when FoTB calls, I answer. If Zack doesn't want to talk he won't say anything or he says, Dad, I don't want to talk to you right now. (He has no problem saying this and actually says it more often than he actually talks to him.)

And so it has gone... pretty much every night for over a year. And then sometime in December a day got missed here or there. Then a couple days......

In January, he must have set the alarm on his phone again because the phone calls started getting more regular.... until this week. Last week he called Thursday and Friday and then the phone went silent....

No call on Saturday, no call on Sunday, no call on Monday and no call last night. I'm assuming he will pick Zack up from daycare this evening at 5:00 but I have no guarantees....

And to be quite honest with you, I'm not really sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, the phone calls are annoying. Zack rarely wants to talk and they are mostly a pointless validation that his son still loves him. The standard conversation goes something like this:

Hi buddy, how was your day?
Fine? (Or, Dad, I don't want to talk to you.)
What did you do today?
Just played.
Ok, well daddy just called to say I love you.
I love you too. (Or, I know or you say that every time or he ignores it all together)
(If he ignores him this is where he will either say it over again or ask if Zack loves him)
Ok, well daddy misses you.
I know. (or he ignores this part...)
(This is where he will sometimes ask do you miss daddy?)
Ok, well I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodbye.
Bye... hey mom... can I push the button?

That is it. All 60 - 90 seconds every night.

So again, on the one hand... stupid and pointless and not really necessary.

But on the other hand, he hasn't checked on his son in four days. No text to say how is he, how was his day at daycare, any issues I should know about... nothing. Just living as if he doesn't have a son for four straight days and that part angers me. If he doesn't care why continue the charade on Wednesday nights and every other weekend. Is it just because his new girlfriend tells him to? Because she has a seven year old so he figures he should try to show what a good dad he is too?

So... what are your thoughts? I can't fix it, I can't change it... I need to accept it, that part I get. The state of Iowa has told me he gets visits with Zack whether he is a good dad or not. I am curious though if any of you have had any similar experiences. If you think I should just be glad to not have the hassle of daily calls. (of course once I post this they will start again...) So... thoughts?

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-19T11:18:00.002-06:00

Daddy....

2011-01-18T21:22:00.004-06:00

"Daddy...."

"Daddy!!"

**blink, blink... look at clock... 1:05 AM**

"What do you need buddy?"

"Would you tell daddy that he forgot to get me water?"

"Ok, Zack. Go back to sleep now...."

"But I'm thirsty! I want my water!"

"Did you promise him water?"

"Yes..."

"Are you getting out of bed or am I?"

He throws off the covers in a huff....

"I just want to go back to sleep!!"

"Well, I didn't promise him water...."

Note to self, do not promise something to a four year old and not follow through. He will remind you... even at 1:05 AM.

Appropriate Conversations

2011-01-17T16:34:00.002-06:00

Last night when I picked up Zack from FoTB's I decided to approach the subject of meal time. Lately Zack has been being a typical four year old. Eating one or two bites and saying he is full or not eating any of something we know he likes and saying he doesn't like it.

So, I wanted to see if they were having similar problems at their house. When I asked the first question I was immediately met with defensiveness. No, he eats well at our house. Why? So then I explained further. Oh... well he does do that....

As we were discussing that FoTB got fairly loud and aggressive sounding. His answer to me was he tells me that but I don't put up with it.

"Today he took two bites of his sandwich and then told me he was full. I told him that was bullsh!t and that if he didn't want to eat he needed to get his a$$ to bed."

Exact quote, said to my four year old and repeated to me right in front of my four year old. I was dumbfounded. I didn't ask him to watch his language because I was having trouble believing that he felt it was ok to even say it to me in front of Zack let alone TO Zack!

After we left and we got in the car the realization of what just happened started to hit me and I was sad for Zack. While I agree with sending him to nap time if he refuses to eat, the way he went about it, the language he used and the gruff anger that he displayed towards a child who is already struggling with his relationship with him just appaled me.

And now, my question is, to I mention it? Do I say something to Zack about how it is not ok for his dad to talk to him like that and that I'm sorry he did? Do I say anything to FoTB or will it not matter anyway? Because really... when has he ever cared what I thought?

Starting the Planning...

2011-01-14T14:02:00.005-06:00

I have been dragging my feet on our wedding planning something fierce. The first time around it seemed so much easier. The strange part is, I am WAY more excited about the actual marriage this time, and not nearly as excited about the "wedding."

The first time it was about the day. It all had to be perfect. Perfect dress, perfect place, perfect day, all the details had to fall into place. This time, I could marry the man in the middle of a corn field in cut off shorts and a tank top and be over the moon happy. This time I am marrying him for all the right reasons and the party, the actual day, just doesn't seem as important.

Finally on new year's weekend it dawned on me that perhaps I might want to nail down some small details, like... I don't know... the person to marry us. So I went to our pastor's Facebook page (yeah.. I know... welcome to the 21st century) to get his email address only to discover that his anniversary is the same day we are getting married. So I emailed him anyway, but was not surprised to get his response that him and his wife will be out of town that weekend.

So, plan two... Jim worked with a guy who was a pastor... he's asking him...

That weekend I also contacted some party rental people to see about renting tents, curtains to section off the space we are having it, etc. I emailed, they emailed, I emailed, they emailed... finally Jim made it in there yesterday to talk to them further and get the quote. It's a lot. At least for us. For the smallish type of ceremony we want to have.

And again, I'm back to differences. We were discussing this Thursday morning, who did we REALLY want there. Could we scale it back so we could fit into the place we are getting married and eliminate the need for the tents and curtains? Perhaps it was easier to spend the money the first time when it was not my money to spend but this time... I'm finding myself to be somewhat of a tightwad.

Our goal, make a decision on guest list and size by the middle of next week. So at least we have a goal... even if we do not have a decision.

Hey, at least we have a first dance song right? And it's on my iPod... we can just blast it out of the speakers in the pickup truck when we are standing in the middle of that corn field. :-)

Still my little boy...

2011-01-13T16:51:00.006-06:00

Four years ago, I had not yet kissed your sweet face....

Jess found one more for me. It's ironic that she emailed me this one this morning because I was just showing Jim this picture this weekend and we were marveling over just how much he has changed in the last two years.

Yet, as he was sitting in my lap on Monday night telling me that I needed to marry him instead of daddy, I was reminded that no matter how big he gets, he will always be my sweet little boy.

Four years...

2011-01-12T12:34:00.009-06:00

How is it possible that four years have gone by?

That four years ago, at noon, on Friday, January 12, 2007, I had never seen your face?

How is it possible that four years ago I had never heard you laugh?

Or seen you smile?

How is it possible that I had no idea how much you would change my life and how much better my life would be because of it?

Happy Birthday Zack!! Your mommy & daddy love you to the moon and back!! :-)

Awkward Moments...

2011-01-06T09:48:00.000-06:00

In 1999 Lemony Snicket published his first book in a 13 part series. The Series of Unfortunate Events. In 2004, Jim Carey stared in a movie, based on the books. Every time I pick up Zack from FoTB's house, I think of that phrase.

Although the events are not so much unfortunate anymore as they are just plain weird and awkward. Pickup time, a series of awkward events.

Take for instance a week ago. They moved. I walk into the new house and he waves his arms around and says what do you think? I'm your ex-wife. What am I supposed to think? Your girlfriend bought it on her own... I think that was a wise move on her part. Other than that... I just stood there awkwardly... ummm... it's nice.

And last night. Zack keeps asking about his birthday party. He wants to know if J can come to his party. When I got there to pick him up he said in front of them that J says he can come to my party. No, kid. No the son of your father's girlfriend can not come to the birthday party your mom and step-dad are throwing. Why? Grown up things dear. Grown up things.

And when he mentioned said party in front of FoTB there was the deer in the headlights look I got. As if he had NO idea that his birthday was soon. So I clarified for him, his party is this weekend, his birthday is Wednesday. It's in the decree that we split it every other year. This is your year so he will just come to your house as normal. It is? He will? Oh, ok.

Why yes, yes I do believe he forgot his son's birthday. He, of course, tried to salvage the moment by mentioning that perhaps they would have to have a party for him the following weekend. With who, pray tell, will you be having this party? It was at this moment that his girlfriend piped in with, well I've never let J have a party. (He's 7) I didn't want to be responsible for babysitting other people's children. So I'm guessing a party is out.

Then as I finally get Zack's coat on and head him for the door he pulls one final awkward finale. He pulls out Zack's Christmas present to show me. Look, this is what Santa got him. He really likes it. First of all, you don't need my approval on what you buy Zack. That stopped when we got divorced. Second of all, no, the fact that you got him a Christmas present does not make up for the fact that I am 95% sure you forgot his birthday.

Most of my time at pickup just ends up with these thoughts swirling through my head:

Can I go now? Is Zack ready? Come on kid... hurry up and get your coat.... Oh please, don't speak... no really, it's fine... silence is just fine...

Pickup Time: A Series of Awkward Moments

Thorns, Roses & Rosebuds

2011-01-05T21:04:00.003-06:00

I saw this on a blog I read and so I thought it would be a good way to close 2010 & start 2011. Ok, ok.... so I'm a couple of days late. Don't judge. It's tax season... (No Jess, that is not the last time I will say that... it may be the first in a series of times... possibly hundreds....)

Anyhow, you are supposed to list a thorn, which is a not-so-fun/sad/bad thing that happened to you during the year. Then a rose, which is a highlight of the year. And finally, a rosebud which is what you're looking forward to.

So here goes.

My Thorn: DHS's inability to fix and/or take away visits from FoTB and our continued tension. I would say over all this is the only thing that has put a damper on 2010. I went into the year really thinking that we were going to make some progress and slowly, through out the year, came to the realization that I was on my own. As long as he showed up, was sober, and didn't kill the kid that was all they were going to make him do before they dropped out. Stellar parenting skills were not required. (As evidenced by his "forgotten" dinner just a week ago.)

There were moments, through out the year, when I really thought perhaps things were getting better. Perhaps he was going to change some things. When he got rid of the first girlfriend and got this new one, things did improve greatly but they are still not perfect. If tomorrow he relapsed, I would not be surprised in the slightest. I still approach every pickup with a little bit of in trepidation for what I may find.

My Rose: In one word - Jim. The most wonderful man I have ever known. We started out the year just two people trying to figure out our relationship. On January 1st of 2010 he knew I loved him and I knew he loved me but neither of us were sure if that was going to lead to anything else. By the end of February things were starting to fall into place and by the first of April he was telling everyone that would listen that he was going to marry me some day.

In July he moved in and in August he proposed. I have loved every single second of having him live here with us and I try to make sure he knows that often. While our life isn't perfect, we still disagree, sometimes we fight, our life is as close to perfect as I would expect it to be. I finally have someone that I can trust with everything. Someone who didn't bat an eye when I told him that come January 3rd I was going to start getting up at 5:00 to go to work and he was going to be solely responsible for getting Zack up, dressed and off to daycare every morning.

And finally... my Rosebud: Our relationship and our new family. I am so looking forward to marrying Jim in June and seeing where this journey takes us. Every single day I find new things I love about him or he does things that still amaze me. I have only known him 19 months but I can not imagine my life without him now.

I am looking forward to seeing his and Zack's relationship grow as well. Often times, when he does bed time I will mute the TV and just sit down in the living room listening to them laugh and carry on. I LOVE that given a choice, Zack picks him for things. I love that Jim treats him no differently than he would any other child. That to them, they are father and son and I can't wait to see how our family changes and grows together in the coming year.

So if you all had to sum up your years what would your thorns, roses & rosebuds be?

One of Many Reasons....

2010-12-31T15:20:00.004-06:00

Tonight we were supposed to go to dinner and a movie with some friends. It is FoTB's weekend with Zack and I had asked him last week if they had plans or were just staying in. He had told me that they would just be hanging around the house and so it would be fine for him to have Zack. (I offered to keep him if they were going out and going to get a babysitter) I even reconfirmed this with both him and his girlfriend on Wednesday night when I picked up Zack and they told me they would all just be at home. That some friends of hers and their kids were coming over.

So this morning, after staying up till 10:00 watching movies with us, Zack got up at 6:45. We went back to bed but I'm unsure that he fell back asleep. So at 10:30 when he was falling asleep watching a movie, I thought nothing of it. At 11:45 when he got up and still looked glassy eyed I thought something might be wrong.

Fever: 101.5....

So I text FoTB and told him that Zack had a fever. My thought was, perhaps you will not be able to have your friends over if you don't want their kids to get sick. Instead what I got was a phone call from him telling me that they were taking her son to her home town (about an hour and a half away) to stay with his Grandma and that perhaps he should just pick up Zack in the morning instead of putting him in the car for that long when he was sick.

Translation: I was going to drop our son off with a woman he doesn't know to babysit him without consulting with you but now that he's sick she probably won't want him so can you just keep him?

My options at this point were to cancel our plans with our friends and stay home or force him to take Zack, knowing full well he would pack him in the car and take him there anyway, instead of staying home with him like a real parent would. I choose the former. I would rather stay home and know he was happy and safe then ship him off there not knowing what was going on.

So I called my friend and then I text Jim. With tears running down my cheeks I text him that I felt REALLY bad about ruining our night out but I REALLY didn't want to make Zack ride in a car for an hour and a half (possibly three if they just dropped off her son and brought Zack back) when he was sick.

And of course the answer I got was not to worry about it. That it was fine.

And then 20 minutes ago I looked at Facebook and this is what I saw:

So, my stepson's dad is to have him this weekend. Zack comes down sick this morning. So, the idiot doesn't want to take him tonight since it'll ruin his New Year's Eve plans. For lack of wit, I'll just say I'd like 5 mins alone with him to show what dad will do for his son. So I'll stay home tonight with my fiance & MY son, & relish in what I've gained in '10 & get to look forward to in '11.

Just one of the many reasons I love that man!!

Happy New Year Everyone!! I hope you are spending your evening with people who love you as much as Zack and I feel loved tonight!

Weather Beacon...

2010-12-30T11:20:00.002-06:00

We are having a bit of a heat wave around here. Yesterday it was 37 degrees and today it is supposed to be in the low 40's. Consequently the snow, it is a melting fast. Much to Zack's dismay, might I add.

Last night when he got out of the car he looked at the ground and he said in his most sad four year old voice, Mom... why can I see the grass? Why is the snow melting? That isn't even fair!!

Then this morning, while Jim was getting him ready to get in the shower he mentioned to him that it had not gotten below freezing last night and that even more of the snow had melted. He didn't believe him and demanded to be held up to the window. So Jim picked him up and out of his mouth squeaked the most pathetic.... "Why??"

You would have thought that the world was ending. His favorite song right now is frosty the snow man and in his words... there isn't even enough to build a snow man and that is not even fair!! (I have a feeling this could become a catch phrase in our house.)

On my way to work this morning, I was looking for the weather beacon to get an idea of what to expect today.

In Des Moines there is a weather beacon. It is basically a tall tower with colored lights that is supposed to give you a quick glance at what the weather will be. When I was little I learned a poem about it:

Weather beacon red, warmer weather ahead
Weather beacon white, colder weather in sight
Weather beacon green, no change is foreseen
Weather beacon flashing, precipitation is on the way

I know... the last line just kills the whole rhyming thing. Don't judge, I didn't make it up, I just recited it.

Anyhow, as I looked for the weather beacon this morning I noticed something strange. The tower was dark. The tower is NEVER dark....

Apparently this weather has the weather beacon all confused too. Perhaps it just gave up and will turn back on when the weather drops back to what it's supposed to be again. :-)

You Have to Feed Me....

2010-12-29T13:49:00.002-06:00

Monday night FoTB had Zack. Actually, he had him all day. It was his birthday. Terms of the divorce decree I suppose. He gets him on his birthday, I get him on my birthday we switch every other year for Zack's birthday. Such is life.

That part I have somewhat adjusted to.

On Sunday they moved, so when he picked him up on Monday he took him to his new house. The new house which apparently has no food.

At 7:00 I arrived at the new house to pick up Zack. He was grumpy and tired, which I've come to expect. FoTB told me he did not nap and he played hard all day.

I was standing in the entry way, FoTB was about 5 feet from me, his girlfriend was in a chair about 10 feet away and a friend of theirs was next to her. They were all three looking at me and listening to me as I said to Zack, "It's ok if you're tired buddy. You can fall asleep in the car and Mommy will carry you in."

Not one of them said anything about this. So we left. We pulled out of their subdivision and I once again told Zack if he was tired he could close his eyes. It was at that point that he said to me, "I can't go to sleep Mommy. You need to feed me!"

I what?? Huh??

For a year and a half now we have been doing visits during the week (Mostly Wednesday) and every time I have picked him up at 7:00 he has fed him before I got there. EVERY TIME.

So I text FoTB and asked if Zack had eaten.... no response.

So I called FoTB... no answer.

Finally, I got a text message saying that they ordered pizza but it wasn't there yet and they had eaten a late lunch so they weren't hungry yet.

WTF?? Three adults sat there and listened to me tell him he could fall asleep on the way home and not one of them felt it pertinent to mention to me that he had not had dinner yet?

Their new house is two blocks from a gas station, yet not one of them thought, hey we should get him a hot dog and a bag of chips or something so he can eat since we are not hungry?

I ended up swinging through McDonald's with him but he was so tired he fell asleep mid-chicken nugget in the back seat.

And this is the man who thinks that I should consider amending our visitation to 50/50 custody..... yeah right.... I think not.....

Party Time

2010-12-28T08:58:00.002-06:00

For: Zack

Do I put Zack or Zack Lastname... hmmm... I think there is only one Zack.... how about Zack lastname here and just Zack on that paper... that looks good...

Date: January 9th

01/09/11?? Or just January 9th... surely I don't need the year. The year is obvious....

Time: 2:15 - 4:15

Why couldn't they have assigned me 2:00? 2:15... what a pain... did I write that right on the last one? Oh man... maybe I should go back and check.....

Place: Kid's party place - nearby town

Do I need the town? The address is on the insert I put in there. Should I just write the name? Do I need the full name? Maybe just a short version...

R.S.V.P: Heather - 123-4367 (call or text), heathersemail@yahoo.com

Are they going to think it's strange that I put they could call or text? Is it too much to give them my email? I want them to be able to RSVP either way and I know they are more likely to do it if I give them some very non-confrontational methods. Just shoot me a text or an email. How did we get so connected? What happened to the days of check the box yes or no?

More importantly... how did I get here? Filling out 25 birthday party invitations for a four year olds birthday. Wasn't I going to wait until he was 5? But he has been invited to two other parties this year. Is four the new five?

So, there I sat yesterday, filling out the invitations. One for all the kids in his class. Can't leave anyone out. Several of them are his friends, several others will here him talk about the party. A few more for friends who have moved up to other classes and about 5 that we had to put in the mail. All strategically delivered AFTER Christmas, so as not to get lost with all of the Christmas cards and festivities, but early enough that they can plan to come.

Oh how, oh how did I get myself into this??

Happy Holidays!!

2010-12-27T15:36:00.001-06:00

Sorry to go kind of silent. Work was CRAZY last week. 40 hours in 4 days and then all of the Christmas festivities this weekend. Right now I just want to go home and take a nap. So, I just wanted to pop in really quickly and wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Love,

Heather, Jim & Zack

Partial Solution

2010-12-15T17:47:00.002-06:00

After racking my brain all night on Friday I finally came up with the only thing in Zack's life that has changed in the last few weeks.

FoTB is moving. On Wednesday when I got there to pick up Zack his living room was filled with boxes.

So Saturday morning I sat down with Zack and asked him what he thought would happen when daddy moved. Dud he think he would get to see him again. His answer was no.

So, we went to the bookstore and bought a couple books about moving. Since he has never known anyone that has moved it makes sense that he is wondering what happens to his things? What happens to this new little boy who has been telling Zack he is going to be his step-brother

After we talked about it and read the books his attitude seemed a bit happier. I also let FoTB know about it so he could talk to him and reassure him.

Then on Monday we took his new books (I bought two copies, one for us, one for daycare) to daycare with us. I explained to the teacher and the director a bit about what I thought might be going on.

He was in the office once on Monday. Not great but a vast improvement over Friday. Still the director and I both agreed that something still needed to be done.

So, yesterday we started him on a positive reinforcement program. Basically they break his day up into half hour incriminates and for every half hour he has without an incident he gets a stamp. Every 4-6 stamps earns him a reward.

Yesterday he had no incidents and he only lost one stamp. (For getting off his cot during nap time) He was so excited when I picked him up yesterday. He talked my ear off about how he had gotten his stamps, etc. Then when Jim called he had to tell him all about it.

At this point I'm hoping it's a good start. I know he could still back track, that the novelty of this could wear off. I hope not for awhile though.

Like maybe when he's 10.

Discipline for a four year old...

2010-12-10T17:39:00.002-06:00

My mom just picked up Zack from daycare and she made him call me from the car.

He was in the office six times today.

He hit his friends in the back. (Two of them that I know of)
He woke everyone up from nap because he wouldn't sleep.
He told his teachers no.
He threw water on the floor in the bathroom.
He kicked a wall.

I'm frustrated beyond belief right now. My child hardly ever acts like this at home and I'm at a loss for how to discipline him at home for behavior at daycare. More over, I am at a loss for how to consistently discipline between two households.

I text FoTB when I got off the phone with my mom. Told him Zack was in the office six times today and that he would not be taking phone calls. His reply, "Great. Ok well maybe next week will be better..."

There are no consequences with him. Luckily he is at home with us this weekend so at least there will be consequences then. The most frustrating thing for me is that we have him for a week or so, get him acting well at daycare again and then one weekend over there and boom... back to terror of the daycare.

I just got off the phone with Jim. We are going to take the presents out from under the tree and take down the Christmas train before Zack gets home. We also tossed around the idea of making a Santa video for him using the option of he has not been good this year. (Although I kind of hate to use that as a ploy.)

So... oh wise people out in the blog-o-sphere... what have you done? What worked for your kids? Do you think part of it is just him being a four year old boy?

He Threw A Rock at His Teacher....

2010-12-10T09:16:00.002-06:00

Yeah... I think the title pretty much sums it up.

I was not pleased. Jim was not pleased. FoTB... well who the heck knows what he was.

The plan last night was for Jim to pick him up early and for them to watch Christmas movies and then we were going to show him the Santa video I made.

Quick side note... if you haven't been here to make one of these for your kids yet, go. Go now... it's TOTALLY amazing and completely free.

Anyhow, I got a phone call at 4:15 from Jim and he simply said, "We are not watching Christmas movies."

Apparently he was playing with another boy, he hit him (in the context of the game I'm sure) but the teacher didn't like it and was going to make him sit in time out. That is when he threw the rock at her.

Jim made him sit in his room for awhile... the exact details of how long are sketchy but I'm hoping it was not the original "hours" that were threatened when he first called me. Then he talked to him about it and by the time I got home from dinner with my co-workers he seemed resigned to the fact that he was never ever going to do it again.

His description:

"First I sat in my room and thought about what I did. Then I came downstairs and sat in the chair and we talked about what I did. Then I could get up."

When FoTB called for his nightly phone call (another matter all together) I didn't answer. I text him back and told him Zack was not taking phone calls. That he was in a lot of trouble because he had thrown a rock at the teacher. His text back to me said that he would like to tell him what he thought of that. Thinking perhaps hearing it from all three parents might be better I agreed to have Zack call him.

It was a waste of time... I should have known better.

The phone call went something like this:

"Hi buddy, did you have a good day? You didn't why not? You know I'm not very happy with you about that and neither is your mom. You're going to make better choices tomorrow right? Ok, I love you. Good night."

No, I'm not paraphrasing for times sake. That was the whole conversation. I just looked in my phone. One minute and 30 seconds. So much for that great parenting moment.

Anyhow, after that phone call Zack and I sat and talked for awhile about what he did, why he did it and what would happen if he did it again. He then went to bed right around 8:00 (which is early for him but well needed...)

This morning when I asked him what he was going to do today he told me "be good." so I hope he's right. I feel like I'm now the mother of the problem child. I'm just waiting for him to attempt to burn down the school or smash another child with the giant "love rock."

Help for a Friend

2010-12-08T21:20:00.005-06:00

A Message from Katie:

I hope I never wake to find my husband unresponsive.

Kathy did.

I hope that if I ever have to go through something as heart wrenching that I have half the strength that she has shown. On November 30th, She posted this on her blog:

24 hours ago, I was sleeping peacefully. blissfully unaware that my husband would be waking me up, having a stroke. my amazing 27 year old husband. who knew that in the future hours to come, he would be poked, prodded, moved to three different rooms in two separate hospitals. that the high point of my day would come when eye contact would be made, his good arm reaching up and being pulled in for a kiss. that we would celebrate something as simple as a flinch from pain. that our future plans – this week, next month, the year to come would flip on it’s head.

24 hours ago was a whole different world.

Since then her husband has shown improvements and Kathy has shown so much love. Every time she updates her Facebook it is a testament to her love, and strength, and courage. So much courage.

The Cambpell family is supported by Kathy's job and her husband being a rock-star stay at home dad to their daughter.

Right now, and for the foreseeable future they will no longer be able to live as they have. They cannot stay in their home and have to move before Christmas. I am sure there are multiple reasons for this, however the one that I would like to help with during the holidays is the money.

I am going to donate all proceeds from my Etsy shop to her family for the month of December.
My prints start at $7.00. Think of what that is-- a lunch out, two cups of coffee at Starbucks, less then the cost of a movie ticket. Really, not much. But if we can all come together it could mean a whole lot to their family.

So please go take a look, consider a purchase and think about just how much you have to be thankful for this holiday season.

Youtube Fun

2010-12-08T09:27:00.003-06:00

Ok, I couldn't pass up sharing this with you. There are several videos. If you go to youTube each one links to the other ones but I'm going to put them all here for you. Just watch them in order and then let me know what you think. Music geek or not, these guys are pretty good.

If you go to the one guy's YouTube channel it is the two of them performing together so they are friends in real life and just do this for fun.

Monday Magic

2010-12-06T12:45:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we went shopping for the last of our Christmas presents. While out and about we stopped into the jewelery store to look at wedding bands.

Right now, on the table in my living room sits my wedding band. The only one out of 10 - 15 I have tried on. The one I liked two months ago, and last month and again yesterday.

It sits there, waiting for the time, six months from Saturday when it will be placed on my finger for good. Six months people and I will be married!!

And I haven't stopped smiling yet....

Counting My Blessings...

2010-12-03T09:18:00.002-06:00

This morning when my alarm went off I didn't even have to roll over to know Jim was in the bed with me, his arm was already around my waist. Where it seems to be more often then not when I fall asleep, when I wake up and sometimes most of the night.

I usually don't think much about it but today I want to take a small moment in time to say how grateful I am to have this man in my life. How much I appreciate the little things and how I hope, in 20 years I still wake up to him, with his arm around my waist.

Last night we all decorated the Christmas tree as a family. FoTB and I lived in that house together for 6 1/2 years. We celebrated 7 Christmas's there. If the tree went up, I put it up. If the decorations went up, I put them up. If there was Christmas shopping to do, I did it.

Most people take for granted the small things in life. Shopping together, eating dinner together, decorating the Christmas tree together. I do not. I hope that is the case for the rest of our years together. I hope in 20 years, in 30 years I can still appreciate the little things in life. The fact that I get to sit on a couch with a man that I love more than I can possibly put into words and bask in the glow of a Christmas tree decorated as a family.

Last night, sitting there watching Zack marvel over the Christmas train it really hit me how different my life is just two years later. How I never, in a million years thought that I could EVER be this happy and how lucky I feel each and every day to have the life that I have right now.

So, today, I'm going to take some time to count my blessings. To bask in the glow of this new life and just be amazingly happy for all of it.

And then I saw the ceiling...

2010-11-30T14:24:00.002-06:00

I had this whole post planned in my head on Gratitude. All the things in my life that are different and changed and how grateful I am for all of them....

But as always... time... it got away from me....

You keep meaning to write and meaning to write and then one day, you're lying on the floor of one of your favorite restaurants thinking, perhaps I should have written...

No, that's never happened to you? Well... let me tell you about my life.

On Friday night we did Christmas with some of my immediate family. As we were laughing and talking and watching Zack and the other "kids" shoot each other with nerf guns someone mentioned restaurants. And one of my FAVORITE restaurants was brought up.... and a plan was formed. Saturday night we would all go to this restaurant together.

So excited was I about this plan that as I was saying goodbye to Jim on Saturday morning I whispered it in his ear and giggled. Yeah... I like it that much...

We got there about 6:00 on Saturday and by 6:30 my stomach was HAPPY!! Oh so happy....

Jim and I were finished as were most of my other family members. My pop was empty so I offered to go fill up Jim's along with mine. I was walking along to the pop machine, I turned the corner and the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling thinking two things:

1) How the hell did I get down here?

2) Well get up off the floor ya dumb a$$, you probably look pretty stupid.

The second one is what caused me to sit up abruptly only to realize that my shoulder kinda hurt... A LOT. So much so that getting off the floor and onto a chair was NOT in my plans anytime soon. Instead I asked the manager to round up Jim and I tried to breath in and out, figuring that I just bruised it.

No such luck. My sister was there and she quickly informed me that not only had I fallen on the floor, I had also dislocated my shoulder. Now I have spent the last 18 months with Jim telling me about his various injuries and the one I remembered most vividly at that moment was his shoulder dislocation and how they had to lay him on a cot and hang weights on his arm until it went back into socket and I can tell you the idea of that happening to me sounded about as appealing as cutting off my arm with a butter knife.

Yet, as I sat there, it quickly became apparent that something had to be done. So, an ambulance was called and I began my 1 - 2 hours of begging for pain medicine like an addict. Please just a little more. It hurts... give me another shot.

Finally sometime around 8:00 they fully knocked me out (oh yes... modern medicine) and popped my shoulder back in while I was sleeping. Which was probably a good thing because by that point I was fairly hysterical. Crying and begging for them to just knock me out so it stopped hurting.

Once I came back to the relief was almost instant. They wrote me a prescription for something strong but I only ended up taking Aleve when I got home.

And today, other than the fact that I'm a little sore, I would never know that I was in so much pain a few hours ago.

As for the restaurant, their covering the medical and I'm hoping they throw in a few free meals since I didn't get to keep mine down on Saturday. :-)

He's not a posession

2010-11-22T11:29:00.004-06:00

I must apologize up front if any of what I say doesn't make sense or seems to ramble at times. I am extremely livid at the moment and really just need a place to vent before I explode.

I wrote the last post because I was sort of called out on being excited that Zack had picked sides. And I tried, possibly very badly, to explain that his relationship with FoTB was his to figure out and I would never encourage him one way or the other.

HOWEVER... what I left out was that I'm not necessarily excited THAT Zack has picked (because he has... we all know it, let's not sugar coat it....) I'm just ecstatic that he has someone he CAN pick who is loving, and decent and not completely self absorbed and self centered.

Case in point:

"It is MY time with him... he can't go there."

"Of course I don't know that he has a field trip. Why would I look at the calendar? I'm not there to do that, I'm there to pick up MY son."

"I miss you... do you miss me?"

"I love you... do you love me?"

"We have plans today, he can't go." And then when I get there, they have done NOTHING all day.

This last one, is the one that has me up in arms today. This is the second, possibly the third time, he has denied Zack the ability to go and do something he would really enjoy because they have "plans" only for me to get there and discover that they have done nothing all day and he simply didn't want Zack to go because it was "his time" and he was not giving it up.

Zack is not a possession. He is a little boy and the reason he doesn't like going to FoTB's and the reason he has so clearly chosen Jim over him is because Jim and I do not treat him like one. Now I realize that every child can't do every thing they want. I realize that sometimes people have plans and up until this point, I've just kind of let things ride. Up until this point what he's missed has only been stuff with Jim and I and/or our families.

This weekend he missed a birthday party. A party for one of his very bestest friends. Zack and her have been almost inseparable since the baby room and this weekend, instead of bowling with her and the rest of his friends he sat in FoTB's living room and played by himself because he didn't want to take him and he didn't want to allow me to take him.

Believe me, I offered. I called him and asked him last week if he could take Zack to the party or if I could pick him up, take him and then bring him back. Now mind you, he lives 20 minutes from me and from where the party was. So I was offering to spend 80 extra minutes in the car just so Zack could go because I knew it was a big deal to him to be able to go. It was what all the kids in his class were talking about last week.

But no... they had plans. His girlfriends cousin was coming and she was bringing her kid and they wanted Zack to be there to meet her and to play. It would be fun for him.....

Translation: I don't want to drive him all the way over there and I don't want you to take him because I would miss out on "MY TIME" with him and it's all about "MY TIME" so I'm going to tell you we are busy.

When I got there yesterday, once again Zack looked sad and tired. There were three women I didn't know in their kitchen and a one year old toddling around. There is no way in HELL this one year old was playing with Zack. He was in the living room playing by himself. When FoTB's girlfriend introduced me to her friends I said I'm Zack's mom and one of them hit me with, "Zack, oh... we haven't seen Zack yet. Is he here?"

And all that flashed through my mind at that point was anger. Anger and smart ass thoughts that I wanted SOO badly to say but kept to myself.

They were getting ready to eat. They made and entire dinner and never once asked if Zack could stay to eat. If it was that important to you that he was there don't you think you would have asked if he could stay?

When I asked Zack what he did all weekend he told me he just played. When I asked him if he had fun, he told me no. Then in the car, on the way home, he fell asleep again. Because I don't think he naps there and I don't think he sleeps enough, or very well, at night.

And somewhere between then and now I have been trying desperately not to pick up my phone and call FoTB and explain to him that next time there is a party for Zack he will be going, whether he takes him or I take him. That next time it is "HIS TIME" and all he is going to do is sit around and have Zack play by himself that there will be no "HIS TIME." I want so badly to just scream at him to stop being a selfish F^%$ and think about his son. Not his possession but a living breathing almost four year old child.

But alas, Jim has convinced me not to. He has reminded me, in his ever infinite wisdom, that I have been saying these things to him over and over again for fourteen years and nothing has changed yet. That I, DHS and a counselor all told him these things over and over again for the past year and it has made not one bit of difference so realistically, what good is it going to do for me to tell him one more time?

And so what it leaves me with... is just a large sense of anger and frustration. The courts think he needs time with his son. They want to force Zack to be over there until he is 18 years old. To make him spend time with a man who shows up because he feels like he has some sort of claim over Zack.

So to swing back full circle to the post I put up last week, this is why I may sound like I am happy that Zack has essentially chosen Jim. This is why I'm thrilled beyond belief that he calls him dad. Because it means he has one. Because it means that despite the POS I married and divorced who will never, ever be capable of putting Zack first or showing Zack how a true man should live and act, he HAS someone in his life that will.

He has someone who loves and cherishes him the way a real dad should. Someone who puts him first and never treats him like something he owns. Someone who knows that Zack's love is earned not required and someone who would never put his own happiness before his son's.

Two Daddies

2010-11-19T12:56:00.004-06:00

I just received a comment from B on my last post asking, in effect if I was bragging about Zack calling Jim dad and encouraging me not to put Zack in the middle or to make him pick. The rest of her comment was overwhelmingly positive and I don't think she meant any harm or was trying to "call me out" in a way, just basically asking if I had thought of these things.

And it's ironic to me the timing of her comment. Just a mere 5 minutes earlier I had hung up the phone with FoTB. So B... in answer to your question, yes... every single day.

The purpose of our call today, was not because of the previous post, but rather the one before that. Once again last night, and this morning Zack told me he didn't want to go. Once again on the way to daycare he asked me if he called me if I could come and pick him up.

So today, instead of feeling bad about it or rooting for him to hate it there so we win and our house is better I picked up the phone and called FoTB. (I'll write a post about it later but I can tell this one will be long so I'm going to leave it as it's own post.)

Let me back track a bit. Because I have sort of dropped out of blogging and then come back only for bits and pieces you all have missed a lot. My effort to keep some of my private life private has left you out of a few things you probably need to know to understand the last couple of posts I have put up.

So here goes:

Do I wish FoTB would go away? Am I happy beyond belief that Zack loves and respects Jim as a dad?

Absolutely.

Am I going to do anything about it besides be frustrated and happy as hell in my own head?

Absolutely not.

When I divorced FoTB I had the option to fight for sole custody of Zack. And most likely could have won sole custody of Zack. FoTB had just been arrested, was hanging out in jail and was, by all accounts, no where close to a model citizen.

I said it then and I will say it again... that is NOT my relationship to end. If he is sober, and he wants to be in Zack's life, that is their relationship to figure out, not mine to take away. Now obviously there are SEVERAL safe guards in our divorce decree to keep Zack safe. I'm not the woman who takes my kid over to his baby daddy's house with the drugs all around and the unsafe people and says here... it's your turn.

But, as long as he is sober and making an effort, it is not my place to stand in the way of that.

Now I'm not going to lie to you and say I don't wish every day it was different. In my book he is not worthy of having time with Zack. I want him to disappear and never come back. Obviously, I divorced him. But I would never EVER let Zack know that. I would never EVER tell Zack that he has to pick one over the other or that one is better than the other.

He knows he has two daddies who both love him very much and he knows that he never has to pick between either of them. When he asks me why he has to go to FoTB's I tell him he will have fun and that daddy wants to spend time with him. I would never tell him I don't want you to go there either or I know it's not fair. I just remind him of the fun stuff he does and let him know that I will be back on Sunday to get him.

It kills me to do it. I would love for it to just be the three of us, but again... that is not a decision I get to make. As much as I hate it, my job as his parent is to love him and encourage him in his relationship with FoTB as long as that relationship stays positive.

And I know, there are going to be those of you out there shaking your heads at me for being so honest here but really.... I divorced one and I'm marrying the other. Obviously I think one is better. Obviously Zack knows I love Daddy Jim much more than FoTB. I live with him, I tell him I love him, etc.

But I would never make Zack pick. Please know that as much as I may not show it or tell you about it here, I do not make Zack feel in any way like he needs to like or love one more than the other.

As far as he is concerned he is just one lucky little boy with extra love from two families.

He Calls Him Dad....

2010-11-15T20:59:00.003-06:00

From the moment Jim and I got serious the question we have been asked the most is what does Zack call him and how does FoTB feel about it.

From the beginning, he called him Mr. Jim. He was used to calling everyone Mr. & Miss at daycare so it only seemed fitting that it carried over. Then when it became apparent that Jim and I were moving in a much more serious direction we had a talk. You may remember it from this post, and it was decided that he would call him Daddy Jim.

We talked with him about how special he was to have two daddy's and how both of them loved him very much. I didn't, however, discuss this with FoTB. This was my fault. To my face Zack always still called him Mr. Jim so I didn't think it was necessary. Then one day, about a month after we had the talk, he was with FoTB and he called him Daddy Jim. And FoTB snapped on him....

He told Zack that Jim wasn't his daddy and he wasn't supposed to call him that. That he was supposed to call him Jim and do you know what my 3 1/2 year old son did?

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He argued back with him.

He put FoTB in his place and told him he WAS his daddy and that Mommy told him he could call him that and he wanted to call him that.

And after a somewhat heated discussion at a DHS team meeting the next day where I informed him in no uncertain terms that he had NO right to tell Zack that and that Jim had spent more time with him and was more of a dad to him than he had been... that was that.... Daddy Jim it was and never another word was mentioned.

And then slowly.... ever so slowly... the Jim has gone away. He only uses it now when he wants to distinguish between the two of them. If he wants to tell me which one he will say my Daddy Jim or my Daddy J@ke. (Yes, he knows his name....)

When we are at home or out in public, it is just dad or daddy. And what does FoTB think of it... I'm not sure he knows, but I know whatever he thinks it is... it makes him insecure. He has started calling, EVERY night. It used to be every other night, then every week night. This weekend it was EVERY day. He calls to tell Zack he loves him. Do you love Daddy? Do you miss Daddy?

He has also been talking to him about step-parents. I found that out from Zack this weekend. Apparently at some point they have reinforced to him that Jim is not his "real" dad, he is his step-dad.

And do you know what Zack did? Any ideas what my now almost four year old has done with this information?

He walked right out of their house last Sunday, opened up the car door and said HI DADDY!!

Because to him... Jim is still just dad.....

I don't want to go...

2010-11-05T08:52:00.002-05:00

5 words, so much meaning....

Those are the words that were uttered to me right before bed last night. He's tired I thought, he'll change his mind in the morning. Wednesday he was so excited to go. Wednesday he wanted to spend the night.

Then this morning, as he was brushing his teeth he said them again. This time in front of Jim, this time I'm not the only one hearing it.

As we got in the car he hit me with this one:

Mommy, when you get to work can you call daddy and tell him not to pick me up?

Then when we got to daycare:

Do I have to spend the night? I don't want to spend the night, I want to stay home.

And it's happening all over again.......

For three months he's been living with the new girlfriend and Zack has been fine. He has been wanting to go there. She has a seven year old boy. She seems somewhat normal, all be it small town and kind of nieve and I think Zack has enjoyed the company and having someone to play with.

Until this weekend.

I don't know what is different but it breaks my heart to have to make him go there. Week after week, month after month. We are almost 18 months into this visit thing and he still doesn't want to go and I am wondering if he ever will. I thought it would be different by now. I thought by now he would like spending time with him. Somehow, I thought the broken would be fixed but I'm now realizing once again just how broken their bond is. I'm now smacked in the face once more with the realization that sometimes what is broken can never be fixed.

I had no answers for Zack as to why he had to go. He is not yet four. I can't even begin to explain to him that he must go because a judge says so. Because FoTB doesn't believe me when I tell him he doesn't want to go. Because his main concern is his "property" and getting "his time" whether that makes Zack happy or not.

I can't explain these things to him but I know in time he will come to understand them himself. For now I just assured him that he would have fun. That it would be a good time and I would be there to pick him up on Sunday. I told him if he wasn't having fun and wanted to come home he would have to tell FoTB and maybe he could call me and I could come get him early.

I know he won't call. I know even if he cries and throws a fit he won't call me. It is "his time" and he won't give it up. Not for anyone, including Zack but I had nothing else to tell him.

I just gave him big hugs, assured him once again that he would have fun and sent him on his way. Then I got in my car, tried not to cry and prayed that Sunday would come quickly.

Mind like a steel trap

2010-10-27T12:51:00.002-05:00

Sometime in March or April we took Zack to the playground at the mall. It is a mall that is about 30 minutes from our home so we have not been back there since.

Yesterday I went back to get my watch fixed. As soon as we walked in the door he started looking around....

"I've been here before."

"You have?"

"Yeah, I came here with you and my daddy Jim. I had ice cream with sprinkles. I didn't like it."

How does he remember this stuff??

Hello out There....

2010-10-26T16:15:00.002-05:00

Recently a friend of mine pointed out to me that I have a blog...

And not only do I have this blog but that this blog has seemed to become abandoned.

Hmmm.... who'd a thunk... me? A blog abandoner...

Yet, it seems that is exactly what has happened. And in all reality, I really don't know why. The only excuse I can give you is that life has been crazy. Amazingly wonderful and crazy. I used to use this blog, NEED this blog, to rescue me from my reality. But I don't need rescuing anymore. In fact, if I have any free time at all I much prefer to immerse myself in that reality now.

So where do we go from here? For years my identity was as a blogger but now my google reader is filling up and not only am I not writing.... I'm not reading either.

Part of it, yes, has been that I've been busy. Amazingly, insanely busy. I haven't had an 40 hour week in MONTHS. Some have been 43... some have been 65. Today I ate lunch, not while working, not in my car on a 5 minute break, actually sat down and ate a real meal... took a lunch hour. It was kinda nice.

Oh yeah, and did I mention I got engaged? I think I still owe you a story for that... how about now? There is no time like the present right? Let's see... August 5th was the 1 year anniversary of my divorce. I sent Jim a text that morning just joking saying something along the lines of it's a good thing you're not proposing today. Ha Ha...

Yeah... about that..... we were leaving for Vegas on the 6th. He had it all planned out, no idea what day it was. Why would he. And then he got my text..... So when I got home from work we were heading to dinner and he just nonchalantly mentions, "So I really can't propose to you today huh?" My answer, "Ummm NO!! That would be weird. 12:01... feel free but today would just be too strange." Go ahead, shake your head at me.... possibly smack your forehead and say DOH on my behalf... you know you want to.

So, he decided he would wait until 12:01.

He tried to drop some more hints while we were at dinner but I was pretty insistent. Joking with him that I knew he wasn't doing it, he hadn't even had time to talk to my dad, etc. Even going so far as to tell him that I was 100% certain that he wasn't asking me before Vegas or IN Vegas. In fact, when we got home and got packed I even called Jess and told her the same thing. Told her that he didn't pack his own carry on so not to hold her breath for a Vegas proposal because unless she had the ring with her, he wasn't bringing it.

About 10:30 I decided I was tired. We had to get Zack up and to daycare and then head to the airport in the morning and I wanted to go to bed. He, of course was trying to keep me up for another hour and a half but I, apparently was NOT getting the hints. He asked me to come sit with him on the couch and I did... but I wasn't happy about it.

Finally I just told him look... if you want to stay up that's fine. I don't care but I'm TIRED... and I'm going to bed. And about 11:00, up the stairs I went. Real smooth huh?

By the time he got the ring from where he had hidden it and made it up the stairs I was already in my pajamas and getting ready to crawl into bed. (Yeah... NO idea what was coming... I had always told myself I wanted to be all dressed up with my hair done, etc. when he asked me.... and this... this was CERTAINLY not the case that night....)

I knew as SOON as he walked into the bedroom something was up. He had his hand in his pocket and he NEVER has his hands in his pockets. He walked up behind me and put his arms around me and started to talk.

"So, you know how you didn't think I had time to talk to your dad?"

"Ummm... yeah..."

"Well, as it turns out, I did have time to talk to him. I went to talk to him this afternoon."

"And what did he have to say?"

As he was talking my mind was sort of racing. At this point I was still thinking he had just talked to him. He wasn't actually going to ask me until we were in Vegas or after Vegas. Certainly not right now... we had talked about right now....

Yet, as soon as I turned around to face him he put his hand back in his pocket and I knew what was coming.

The question was, "So now that we know your dad has said yes, what do you think you will say? Will you marry me?"

And my answer? In my lovely... OMG state??

Ya really want it?

Are you sure?

"Oh shit..."

Yeah... that is what I said at that incredibly romantic moment as he was going down on one knee and asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. It just sort of slipped out and then I stared at him. Not for one second... not for two seconds... but for something like 10 to 15 incredibly uncomfortable seconds before I got enough wits about me to realize that he was actually down there, waiting on me to give him an answer.....

At least it's a story to tell the grandkids.

So there you have it, the proposal.

What else have I been up to in the past two months? Oh, a million and one things that will have to wait for another day as I am out of time. Hopefully this was enough for now.

WW: Me & Mini Me

2010-09-22T22:35:00.002-05:00

Maintaining the Status Quo

2010-09-21T19:46:00.002-05:00

In case you were concerned that I had lost my edge according to FoTB this morning I am still a "F$%&ing stupid selfish F*&%."

Why yes.... that is a direct quote.

Isn't there a song for this? "I see your true colors shining through....."

What was my egregious act that earned me this distinction?

His visit with Zack begins at 5:00 pm on Friday and he wanted to pick Zack up at 9:00 on Friday morning so he could take him to the homecoming festivities in his girlfriends home town.

Zack has a field trip Friday morning that he is excited about and has been talking about for over a week. I told FoTB he was more than welcome to pick Zack up early but he needed to wait until noon after his field trip.

I know.... how dare I offer him 5 extra hours instead of 8???

Just when I think perhaps he might be making positive strides in his life he reminds me that deep down, he is still the same person.

Mama's Song

2010-09-20T15:00:00.002-05:00

Mama's Song

Carrie Underwood

Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want whats best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama dont you worry about me

Dont you worry about me

Not mine...

2010-09-01T10:23:00.002-05:00

Yesterday after the funeral I went to pick up Zack from daycare. As I got there I saw the teacher with two little boys who were obviously in trouble. While I was waiting for Zack to get down off the playground equipment I heard her talking to one of them.

R, why was your private part out of your pants?

Is it bad that my first thought was oh thank God that's not my kid.....

..... yet.....

Awkward is...

2010-08-30T21:01:00.003-05:00

Attending a funeral visitation for your fiance's aunt and realizing that one of the seven people you have dated in your entire 30 years of life.....

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is his cousin.......

Away

2010-08-23T22:17:00.002-05:00

I have been a horrible blogger lately. I have so much to tell you I hardly know where to begin so I just don't.

Things here have been nuts. Jim has finally moved about 95% of his stuff in. Six weeks of moving little by little. I think it's worse than if he just did it all at once. Just when I think I've finally found room for it all and have gotten back some semblance of order to our house he brings in more stuff.

Last night it was a huge TV for the bedroom. Purchased in 1998 this 36" TV weighs as much as me and guess who got to help him carry it upstairs last night? My God if ever there was a time I considered this move a bad idea.... that was it.

On top of the moving, I've been working out of the office on some book keeping disasters for a client and I've got a 9/15 tax deadline looming on the horizon. Add to that the great office server move of 2010 that had me working a 17 hour day on Friday and you're starting to understand where I've been.

In fact, right now it is 10:15. I'm lying in bed, typing this on my phone.. fairly certain I may pass out from exhaustion mid sentence. I just got on to tell you one little story but apparently my brain had other ideas.

So anyway here it is.....

Tonight I went to Target to buy my son new shoes. Size 12 shoes. I have a 3 year old with the feet of a 6 year old and all the shoes he wants are too small and half the shoes he fits into he can't have because he can't tie his shoes yet.

Is three too little to tie his shoes because by mid March we may be out of other options?

Zack's Weekend Review....

2010-08-16T10:54:00.001-05:00

Two full nights and two full days with FToB (Friday at 6:00 through Sunday at 5:00)....

One nap....

Zero Baths....

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Is there an appropriate way to explain to FToB that just because he is not a big fan of personal hygiene for himself doesn't mean he shouldn't practice it on his son? By last night when he was returned to us he smelled and he was scratching in his underwear (that hadn't been changed in three days....)

Awkward is....

2010-08-13T21:17:00.002-05:00

Getting engaged on the one year anniversary of your divorce being final....

Even more awkward is....

Telling your ex-husband you're getting married again.....

So....

2010-08-06T08:50:00.002-05:00

I have some news.....

WW: The View From Here

2010-08-04T10:31:00.002-05:00

Little Things

2010-08-03T14:58:00.003-05:00

Last night Jim and I went out to a local bar/restaurant to meet a few of my friends from way... way back. He was a bit late getting out of work and then he had to get his hair cut and come home and get ready. We had told them we would be there at 8:00, they text me at 5:00 and said they were all meeting at 7:00. So, needless to say, we were a bit late. Like 8:15 ish. Either way... it was fun. I had a few drinks... ok, who are we kidding, a few too many but it was a GREAT time.

This afternoon this arrived in my email inbox:

By the way, in all the rush of getting ready last night and getting to the bar, I may have failed to mention how great you looked. Maybe a day late, but you looked amazing.

I immediately turned 5 shades of red. Jim would say to me, this is how it's supposed to be. I would say to him, I never even imagined it could be this good. But I like it....

Monday Frustrations...

2010-08-02T15:24:00.002-05:00

Someone hacked into my email account for the old blog and spammed everyone in my address book. If you were one of them... I apologize profusely. I am usually REALLY, REALLY careful about what I open so I have no idea what happened. I went to my sent items folder and it didn't show anything sent from my email account. I changed my password but if it happens again I'm going to have to probably close that email account.

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The county guy and the plumber were supposed to come to look at our plumbing today and FINALLY begin work on the new septic system. Or at least get the workings started for permits, etc. It was raining this morning..... AGAIN.... for the 300th day this year.... Really? Can I just get a break so we can get the dang thing replaced??

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We are going rounds with FOtB's employer on child support. For some reason she has decided she loves him. He can do no wrong. She is a friend of a friend but apparently she thinks he must be the son she never had or something. First I found out that she purposely made his wages lower last year so his child support would be lower. Then once they had all of that decided she gave him a raise, then another one and then a third within the first six months he was there.

Now, she is withholding the child support from his checks but is not mailing it in. As of April 30th she was up to date and then she didn't send anything in for two weeks. Then she started sending in weekly again but never made up the two weeks she missed. Then in the middle of June she stopped sending anything in at all. She was withholding it from his check but wasn't remitting it.

She finally sent in the amount for four weeks but then told the Child Support person who called her she would check on the other two weeks and if she owed those she would remit them. (She does... she didn't.) That was on June 15th. Would you like to guess if she has sent in a payment since them?

If you guessed no, you would be correct. He has gotten two more checks since her last payment, one on the 23rd and one on the 30th. The amounts for those plus the other two weeks she is behind, a grand total of four weeks of child support for those of you keeping count, are now MIA in her outbox, in her bank account... who knows.

So today, I had to speak with the lovely man from Child Support again. He is going to contact FToB and see if he can get his last paycheck stub to ascertain exactly how far behind she actually is. He will call FToB and FToB will immediately run to his employer or call me. Wanna take bets? At this point, I don't care. It is illegal for her to withhold and not submit. It's not like I really NEED the money but it's the principal of the fact.

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Speaking of money with FOtB, he still owes me money, a lot, for Zack's surgery back in November. He was originally supposed to pay me the money but his previous girlfriend got it in his head that he should not do that because I might steal the money and not pay the bills. They are in my name... they will ruin my credit... yes, that is exactly what I'm going to do.

So he decided he would pay them himself. He made two payments and now has conveniently "forgotten" for two months. Finally I talked to him last week and told him to just give me $25 per week until they were paid off.

He asked me if I would give him a receipt.

He showed up to drop off Zack on Sunday and conveniently forgot his first $25 installment.

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Speaking of dropping off Zack. DHS is now officially out of our lives. This weekend was FOtB's first visit after the case closed. He has been told on multiple occasions to make the visits about him and Zack. To leave any girlfriends out of it until he has known them at least 6 months and is sure they will be sticking around awhile.

He picked up Zack from daycare on Friday and headed straight for the new girlfriend's house (he's had this one four months) and proceeded to camp out there all weekend with Zack. To make matters worse he didn't tell me. I had to find out from my three year old son.

And... there is NOTHING I can do. In the eyes of the court, he has been clean 16 months and this new girlfriend has no criminal record so they are leaving it up to him to decide if it is an appropriate environment for Zack. His girlfriend is a single mom to a seven year old. Zack doesn't act like he hates it there and he is not acting out when he returns. SHE is not the problem. The situation is the problem. His lack of consideration for what might be best for his son and only consideration of what might be best for himself frustrates the hell out of me.

The courts inability to do anything about this frustrates me even more.

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I leave for Vegas to see Garth on Friday. This does not frustrate me. In fact it excites me quite a bit. I NEED a vacation. I NEED some relaxation. I'm ready... is it Friday yet.....