Blizzard or Tornado

I forget, was it a blizzard outside or a tornado inside?

This is what happens when I attempt to do some work, even for a few minutes. Check your work e-mail... ha!! I'll teach you to ignore me!!

Trying to Find My Road....

Oh wait... I think if you squint you might be able to see it....

608 Closings/Delays through out the state.

My office is closed for the first time in the seven years I've been there.

The malls are closed.

The interstates are closed.

Guess it's a good day to stay home!!

Tuesday Talks

I need to wear my snow boots today mommy because it snowed outside.

******************

Maybe I can play outside in the snow at daycare.

I don't know if they will let you play outside, it's kind of cold today.

The snow is not cold!!

Yes it is.

No it is not!!

Oh yes it is!

Oh no it is NOT Mommy!!

Christmas Card Photo Shoot

On Friday Miss Katie came over and took a few pictures of Zack and I for our Christmas Card. They turned out wonderful and I had a hard time choosing so there will be four pictures of us on the card this year!! :-)

I forgot to save a picture of the card before I ordered it, so you will have to see the finished product a little later, but here are the five pictures that Katie sent me from our photo shoot.

The Notebook

As most of you know we are, at the moment, DHS involved. I have been reluctant to discuss any details of this on the old blog because of J's family still reading and even now I'm reluctant in case they find me but I will give you a brief update. The more detailed info I am still saving for Through the Looking Glass, just in case.

Basically, in my opinion, he is clean, he is not sober. To me being sober means working a program, getting right with yourself and trying to better your life. It feels very much to me like J is standing still, not moving forward. DHS and I both feel like it is just a matter of time before he relapses. I'm not sure how I feel about this at all. Zack loves his daddy. But I very much feel like it is a love for a big brother or a older friend, not a daddy. If you know me in real life you will know that this is not a slam, it is just that J was gone for the first 7 months of his life then back for a few than basically non-existent as a care giver for the last 18 months. Zack doesn't know him in that capacity.

For that reason, I waited 5 months to introduce him to M. I waited for a reason and that reason is that Zack LOVES him. He's only hung out with him a few times but he talks about him and wants to see him more. M to him is a man with mommy who holds that daddy capacity more than he has ever seen J hold. Again, not a slam, just a fact.

So, as we are DHS involved we have to do some things that normal parents trying to co-parent do not. Like I said, J is clean, but not sober. So he shows up. He does what he has to but his desire for extra time with Zack seems to be limited. His desire to better himself and do everything within his power to get extra time with Zack is also not there. Again, not going to put a lot of it here in case this site is found but it will go Through the Looking Glass this weekend.

Anyhow, because of all of this we now have to pass a notebook back and forth. A notebook which was supposed to be a way for us to communicate better about Zack. The point of it was lost on J and his mom. Somewhere in translation they thought that it meant that they were to write down everything that Zack does in an effort to jump through some proverbial hoop and gain more access to him. A thing that it seems like his mom is fighting for more than him.

This notebook is a big point of contention with me. I'm angry about it, as I am about a lot of things I have to do for DHS. I LOVE our DHS worker and the Children & Families in home counselor that we have. It is not them at all. It's just the general idea that I have to write in a notebook how he is supposed to parent our child. All of the things a parent should know but he claims he doesn't.

The reason we have this notebook is because he said he's never raised a two year old before and so he doesn't know what to do. Guess what, I've never done it either. But if there is something I want to know I read about it, I ask about it, I find any and all resources to use that I can. When Zack started having aggression problems I didn't just throw up my hands and say I've never done this before, I don't know what to do. I started researching it, I reached out to DHS and C&F, I started calling counselors, I did what I needed to do to try to find answers.

Somewhere in all of this it appears as if he and his mom have gotten it in their head that it is their right to parent Zack. That because he donated sperm he should be allowed to see him. Nothing I have said, or nothing DHS has said has ever made them realize that with two founded DHS convictions and one criminal child endangerment conviction he should be damn lucky that he gets to see him at all. But say that to them and they get offended.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to update you on what is going on and give you a little insight into what I'm dealing with. It is hard and it makes me angry a lot. There are days where I take it one moment at a time and keep reminding myself that even if he is never truly a dad, Zack will be better for at least having some sort of relationship with him as long as it is healthy.

And right now it is. He just hangs out with his grandma and daddy and plays. He is in no physical danger, it's just the best parenting decisions may not always be made.

Lost Cause

A week ago Sunday I went to try to find a pair of underwear for Zack only to discover that the poor child had no underwear. Not like an old ratty pair that I could put him in, no... none. Zero, zip, zilch.

In my defense, I had just had surgery a little over a week previously and was unsure I could carry the laundry basket up the stairs so I had been waiting. However, I guess I didn't realize the dire straights we were in. So, that's easy. I own a washing machine and a dryer, I would just do a few loads.

I would send Zack to bed commando (which he totally thought was the coolest thing ever) and set about washing the clothes. The first thing on my list was the bathroom rugs. Oh, did I forget to mention the whole reason the underwear situation was discovered in the first place was that while using the potty, he missed. Dousing the rugs, his clothes and his legs. Isn't having little boys fun?

So, the rugs had been washing while we were eating dinner. After dinner I put Zack in the bath and then before I took him upstairs I decided to switch the laundry. To give you a visual, my three year old is standing in our kitchen in nothing but a towel and I am switching laundry.

I went to turn the knob to set the time it came off in my hand. Like so....

No big deal I figured, three year old still buck naked in the kitchen, I will just get a pair of pliers and turn the nob. So I do, I get my pliers and I set about turning and then I try to pull. I turn and I pull and I turn and I pull and nothing happens. The dryer will NOT turn on.

At this point I'm panicking a bit. Zack has shed his towel and is now running around buck naked and I call my mom. What do I do? I'm turning the knob and pulling but the dryer won't turn on. Is there a trick? She tells me she doesn't know but that if I wash a pair of his underwear they will surely be dry by morning so at least there is that.

So I hang up with her and continue with the turning and the panicking. I text M. FML... Ugg... give him the reader's digest version of what is happening all the while still turning the knob with my handy pliers and trying to pull out to turn the dryer on. Nothing. I check the knob for little hidden switches, I consider super gluing the plastic back together so the knob will work, I hold it up to the dryer to make sure I'm turning the knob to the correct position all of it to no avail.

By this point it has been a good 20 minutes. Zack is, of course, loving his opportunity to pretend to be part of a nudist colony and also the extra time to stay up past bed time. I, on the other hand am still panicking when I stop, take a deep breath and step back from the dryer.

It is at this point that it dawns on me....

No amount of pulling on that knob is ever going to get my dryer to turn on, but turning the button that says turn to start might just do the trick.

Ummm... yeah... can we say blond moment. So come on, spill, I can't be the only one who has done something really stupid like this. What is your uhh... duh moment?

Fuzzy....

Sorry to disappear on you like that. I know what you're thinking, she moves the blog, posts for a bit and then runs away again. It's not that, really. One of the children in my son's daycare class or possibly one of the many people that I bumped into in the cesspool of germs that we call black Friday shopping gave me a cold. And now... my head is all fuzzy.

Last night was the first time all week I was semi conscious after 8:00 and it was spent paying bills because let's face it, I love you all but a girl has to pay the house payment.

So here I am, once again trying to play catchup. I'm going to put up 4 - 6 posts and schedule them for today, tomorrow and this weekend. (Because really, you don't want to read them all at once, I don't claim for even one moment to be that interesting.)

Oh, and as a quick side note, I would like to thank all of you who took the time to e-mail me or leave me comments and follow me over here. It means a lot to me. I spent a good period of time debating on moving the blog because I wasn't sure who would come with me. Also, it was wonderful to hear the stories of how some of you found me and why you keep coming back. Hopefully I won't disappoint....

Well, let the writing begin.