I don't want to go...

5 words, so much meaning....

Those are the words that were uttered to me right before bed last night. He's tired I thought, he'll change his mind in the morning. Wednesday he was so excited to go. Wednesday he wanted to spend the night.

Then this morning, as he was brushing his teeth he said them again. This time in front of Jim, this time I'm not the only one hearing it.

As we got in the car he hit me with this one:

Mommy, when you get to work can you call daddy and tell him not to pick me up?

Then when we got to daycare:

Do I have to spend the night? I don't want to spend the night, I want to stay home.

And it's happening all over again.......

For three months he's been living with the new girlfriend and Zack has been fine. He has been wanting to go there. She has a seven year old boy. She seems somewhat normal, all be it small town and kind of nieve and I think Zack has enjoyed the company and having someone to play with.

Until this weekend.

I don't know what is different but it breaks my heart to have to make him go there. Week after week, month after month. We are almost 18 months into this visit thing and he still doesn't want to go and I am wondering if he ever will. I thought it would be different by now. I thought by now he would like spending time with him. Somehow, I thought the broken would be fixed but I'm now realizing once again just how broken their bond is. I'm now smacked in the face once more with the realization that sometimes what is broken can never be fixed.

I had no answers for Zack as to why he had to go. He is not yet four. I can't even begin to explain to him that he must go because a judge says so. Because FoTB doesn't believe me when I tell him he doesn't want to go. Because his main concern is his "property" and getting "his time" whether that makes Zack happy or not.

I can't explain these things to him but I know in time he will come to understand them himself. For now I just assured him that he would have fun. That it would be a good time and I would be there to pick him up on Sunday. I told him if he wasn't having fun and wanted to come home he would have to tell FoTB and maybe he could call me and I could come get him early.

I know he won't call. I know even if he cries and throws a fit he won't call me. It is "his time" and he won't give it up. Not for anyone, including Zack but I had nothing else to tell him.

I just gave him big hugs, assured him once again that he would have fun and sent him on his way. Then I got in my car, tried not to cry and prayed that Sunday would come quickly.

Mind like a steel trap

Sometime in March or April we took Zack to the playground at the mall. It is a mall that is about 30 minutes from our home so we have not been back there since.

Yesterday I went back to get my watch fixed. As soon as we walked in the door he started looking around....

"I've been here before."

"You have?"

"Yeah, I came here with you and my daddy Jim. I had ice cream with sprinkles. I didn't like it."

How does he remember this stuff??

Hello out There....

Recently a friend of mine pointed out to me that I have a blog...

And not only do I have this blog but that this blog has seemed to become abandoned.

Hmmm.... who'd a thunk... me? A blog abandoner...

Yet, it seems that is exactly what has happened. And in all reality, I really don't know why. The only excuse I can give you is that life has been crazy. Amazingly wonderful and crazy. I used to use this blog, NEED this blog, to rescue me from my reality. But I don't need rescuing anymore. In fact, if I have any free time at all I much prefer to immerse myself in that reality now.

So where do we go from here? For years my identity was as a blogger but now my google reader is filling up and not only am I not writing.... I'm not reading either.

Part of it, yes, has been that I've been busy. Amazingly, insanely busy. I haven't had an 40 hour week in MONTHS. Some have been 43... some have been 65. Today I ate lunch, not while working, not in my car on a 5 minute break, actually sat down and ate a real meal... took a lunch hour. It was kinda nice.

Oh yeah, and did I mention I got engaged? I think I still owe you a story for that... how about now? There is no time like the present right? Let's see... August 5th was the 1 year anniversary of my divorce. I sent Jim a text that morning just joking saying something along the lines of it's a good thing you're not proposing today. Ha Ha...

Yeah... about that..... we were leaving for Vegas on the 6th. He had it all planned out, no idea what day it was. Why would he. And then he got my text..... So when I got home from work we were heading to dinner and he just nonchalantly mentions, "So I really can't propose to you today huh?" My answer, "Ummm NO!! That would be weird. 12:01... feel free but today would just be too strange." Go ahead, shake your head at me.... possibly smack your forehead and say DOH on my behalf... you know you want to.

So, he decided he would wait until 12:01.

He tried to drop some more hints while we were at dinner but I was pretty insistent. Joking with him that I knew he wasn't doing it, he hadn't even had time to talk to my dad, etc. Even going so far as to tell him that I was 100% certain that he wasn't asking me before Vegas or IN Vegas. In fact, when we got home and got packed I even called Jess and told her the same thing. Told her that he didn't pack his own carry on so not to hold her breath for a Vegas proposal because unless she had the ring with her, he wasn't bringing it.

About 10:30 I decided I was tired. We had to get Zack up and to daycare and then head to the airport in the morning and I wanted to go to bed. He, of course was trying to keep me up for another hour and a half but I, apparently was NOT getting the hints. He asked me to come sit with him on the couch and I did... but I wasn't happy about it.

Finally I just told him look... if you want to stay up that's fine. I don't care but I'm TIRED... and I'm going to bed. And about 11:00, up the stairs I went. Real smooth huh?

By the time he got the ring from where he had hidden it and made it up the stairs I was already in my pajamas and getting ready to crawl into bed. (Yeah... NO idea what was coming... I had always told myself I wanted to be all dressed up with my hair done, etc. when he asked me.... and this... this was CERTAINLY not the case that night....)

I knew as SOON as he walked into the bedroom something was up. He had his hand in his pocket and he NEVER has his hands in his pockets. He walked up behind me and put his arms around me and started to talk.

"So, you know how you didn't think I had time to talk to your dad?"

"Ummm... yeah..."

"Well, as it turns out, I did have time to talk to him. I went to talk to him this afternoon."

"And what did he have to say?"

As he was talking my mind was sort of racing. At this point I was still thinking he had just talked to him. He wasn't actually going to ask me until we were in Vegas or after Vegas. Certainly not right now... we had talked about right now....

Yet, as soon as I turned around to face him he put his hand back in his pocket and I knew what was coming.

The question was, "So now that we know your dad has said yes, what do you think you will say? Will you marry me?"

And my answer? In my lovely... OMG state??

Ya really want it?

Are you sure?

"Oh shit..."

Yeah... that is what I said at that incredibly romantic moment as he was going down on one knee and asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. It just sort of slipped out and then I stared at him. Not for one second... not for two seconds... but for something like 10 to 15 incredibly uncomfortable seconds before I got enough wits about me to realize that he was actually down there, waiting on me to give him an answer.....

At least it's a story to tell the grandkids.

So there you have it, the proposal.

What else have I been up to in the past two months? Oh, a million and one things that will have to wait for another day as I am out of time. Hopefully this was enough for now.

WW: Me & Mini Me

Maintaining the Status Quo

In case you were concerned that I had lost my edge according to FoTB this morning I am still a "F$%&ing stupid selfish F*&%."

Why yes.... that is a direct quote.

Isn't there a song for this? "I see your true colors shining through....."

What was my egregious act that earned me this distinction?

His visit with Zack begins at 5:00 pm on Friday and he wanted to pick Zack up at 9:00 on Friday morning so he could take him to the homecoming festivities in his girlfriends home town.

Zack has a field trip Friday morning that he is excited about and has been talking about for over a week. I told FoTB he was more than welcome to pick Zack up early but he needed to wait until noon after his field trip.

I know.... how dare I offer him 5 extra hours instead of 8???

Just when I think perhaps he might be making positive strides in his life he reminds me that deep down, he is still the same person.

Mama's Song

Mama's Song

Carrie Underwood

Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

Cuz he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want whats best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me
Dont you worry about me

Mama dont you worry about me

Dont you worry about me

Not mine...

Yesterday after the funeral I went to pick up Zack from daycare. As I got there I saw the teacher with two little boys who were obviously in trouble. While I was waiting for Zack to get down off the playground equipment I heard her talking to one of them.

R, why was your private part out of your pants?

Is it bad that my first thought was oh thank God that's not my kid.....

..... yet.....