Struggling with me

Another perfect day for Mr. Zack yesterday. Nothing written down on his sheet at daycare and him and the dog only drove me a little nuts when we got home.

He had Taekwando last night and he did really good. His last three or four weeks we have really noticed a difference there. He is doing MUCH better at paying attention during class and following along with the moves and the words. Hopefully that continues.

I will leave you with yesterday's Zack-ism...

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Do you have your seat belt on yet?

I can't get it on mom!! My seat belt is struggling with me!!

Happy

Would you please consider doing the right thing for Zack? He has been dealing with your addiction and you being in and out of his life for his whole life. He deserves better than that. He's happy now. He's finally doing GREAT at daycare. His life is calm. Please just let him be happy.

Time stamp: November 1st, 8:41 am

I have not received a phone call or a text message since. I don't know what to make of it but I'm trying to practice what I preach and just be happy. Zack is happy and adjusted to this new life and I am trying to be as well. Tomorrow it could all change. Tomorrow he could be back with his chaos but for right now, at this very moment he is gone.

I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure it. He is on his own on this relapse journey for the first time in 15 years.

And we are just trying to be happy.

Thought of the Day....

Still Waiting....

Over two weeks have passed since I have been here and yet I still find myself drawing a blank.

Today I went to get popcorn and found myself in a "discussion" with the popcorn lady. Let's call it what it is really, a lecture by her on why I should have had another child several years ago. About how 2 years is the appropriate age gap and that if I am going to be having another I have already waited too long but I better not wait any longer.

I find this discussion confusing at best. How do I easily explain to someone that there is a VERY good reason that my children (if I am blessed with another one) will not be two years apart? That I can only IMAGINE the disaster that would have befallen me if I had decided to bring ANOTHER child into that awful relationship.

Sorry, I know two may have been ideal for you but I married the wrong man so my son will have worse things to discuss in therapy about how I screwed up his life than the fact that I didn't give him a sibling within the appropriate amount of time.

And more over... there comes in to play the fact that we are still not 100% sure I CAN get pregnant. The test I took last month indicates that I ovulated on my own but that is still no guarantee. What if I am infertile? What if my husband is? Why is it that people feel it is acceptable to comment on this part of a person's life without knowing even 1/1,000th of their history?

Anyhow, as I walked away a million things ran through my head. She is a very nice lady and I know she didn't mean to say anything to upset me but it got me thinking just the same. It made me ever more conscious of what I ask people when it comes to these things.... you just never know....

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As for the rest of the disaster that is my ex-husband. Who knows. He may still be charged with credit card fraud... he may once again slip through the cracks of the legal system. He may be charged with child abuse (either by the police or by DHS) or he may once again slip through the cracks of the legal system. (The abuse that we once thought was just extra spankings was so much more than that. Punches to the chest and arms, kicks to the legs, fists in his face threatening him if he told...)

His ex-girlfriend and her son have done all they can. They have asked the questions, told the authorities what they needed to and all they can do at this point is wait. It is 100% out of our hands and that part to me is REALLY hard.

We saw them again on Saturday. Took her son out to lunch with us and out to run a few errands. I am struck with a heavy heart every time we see him. He is so well behaved that I have NO idea how anyone could strike him in anger. He didn't deserve that and at the end of the day, despite telling the police and his mom and DHS there still may be nothing that can be done and that is heartbreaking.

As for Zack, visits have been suspended for four weeks tomorrow with no sign of them being resumed. FoTB had made no attempt to attend meetings, quit drinking or try in any capacity to be back in his life. Zack has done a complete 180 in the last four weeks, for the better and so we can only hope and pray that all of this continues in the same direction. The longer he stays away, the better off Zack is....

So right now... we just wait. Wait for the police to make up their mind. Wait for DHS to make up their mind. Wait for FoTB to make his next move.

Have I mentioned lately I hate waiting??

Zack-isms....

Mom, I want one burrito.

Do you want any taco's too?

No, just one burrito... no wait. I want two burritos. That will stuff me right up....

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Look at how hard the wind is blowing. Do you see the trees moving?

Yeah, that is because God is trying to get all of the leaves off....

Waiting...

I've been away for another week and I come here offering no witty stories, no real ending to a tale that has been unraveling since June 1st. A life lived in lies that are all finally starting to come to the surface and a man, so far stuck in his own sickness that rather than fight, he has chosen flight.

Thursday was eye opening. We went to his ex's house expecting to stay for an hour. We stayed for three. We went to his ex's house with one understanding and walked out with an entirely different one.

The violence was/is back. Holes in her walls, "spankings" doled out to her eight year old. A child so afraid that he would do ANYTHING to avoid angering FoTB. A child so afraid that he BEGGED the neighbor not to call him when he forgot his key a few weeks ago. Two lives shattered into pieces that they now must pick up and put back together. An innocence lost, a trusting nature abandoned.

At one point, Jim just sat with him while he cried. He is eight. He wanted SOO much for FoTB to be the man that loved him, that adopted him, that stayed forever (his own bio-father long since gone). All promises FoTB made to him. All promises he broke.

On Saturday we are going to pick him up and he is going to spend the afternoon with us. We owe them nothing but he needs so much that we can give that we feel it is our duty to do so. One day will not fix it but it may go a long way towards showing him that not all grown up men are scary. Not all grown up men scream and yell and threaten and leave. There are good ones out there that he can trust.

As for FoTB, I have no idea where he is or what he is doing and I hope it stays that way for a long time. His lawyer called my lawyer last Wednesday. That conversation ended with, well I guess I have some things to talk to my client about and then get back to you. He has not called my lawyer back since.

On Saturday, I assume realizing that his lawyer had no answers for him, he called the police. He was dismayed to discover they had no answers for him either.

So we wait for his next move. I have been on edge since Saturday. Always looking around, wondering if he will try to show up, waiting for him to call to say he has done this or that and he wants his visits back now. So far it has not happened. Maybe in another few weeks, I will finally believe that it won't.

Until then... I wait, I watch, and I pray....

Closure

Tonight we take Zack over to FoTB's old house where his ex and her son still live. We feel it is only fair to allow them to say goodbye and to give him a chance to process what is going on. We are hoping that seeing FoTB's stuff gone and his vehicles gone might help him to understand that he has really moved out.

It is a bittersweet moment. On one hand, we have been right all along about what he is but on the other hand, Zack is losing these two people which he has become pretty attached to.

We have both agreed to let the boys see each other as often as they need to over the next couple months to fully have that closure but eventually, I know, that relationship will come to an end. And it is unfortunate.

FoTB has spend his entire 31 years thinking only of himself and leaving a litany of broken bridges, broken people, and broken relationships in his wake....