Adjusting



So apparently someone, who was not me, deemed my child old enough to start Kindergarten last week.  Whomever this person is, we need to have a chat because there is no way that my little boy, my baby who was just learning to walk yesterday, I swear, is old enough for school.  How did that happen?

 

Of course for him, the adjustment period has been quick and painless.  He LOVES it.  He is in a before and after school program that he couldn't be happier with if he tried.  We knew he had outgrown his daycare.  We knew he was ready for something different.  I'm not sure we knew quite HOW ready until he started school.

However, for me, the adjustment period has been a little harder.  Every day when I went to daycare I got an update from his teachers.  I knew what kind of day he had, what he did well, what he was struggling with, etc.  In Kindergarten, I get NOTHING.  And of course I could be "that parent" but I want so much not to be "that parent" so I haven't emailed his teacher.  I guess I am operating under the assumption that if there was a problem she would let me know and since I haven't heard from her he must be doing just fine. 

My other adjustment with school has been that he has to be there.  With daycare if I got up and felt like going in late to work, I just went in late and took him in late.  If I wanted to leave early and take him to the park or come home and watch a movie or do something else, that is what I did.  Now I can't just walk into his Kindergarten room early and pick him up.  I have to wait.

Of course, if the little miss would hurry up and make her appearance I would probably be too busy to worry about any of this.  But as it is... she is being stubborn.  Hold up inside her happy warm home bouncing away with no desire to join the rest of us on the outside.

Last week I was one cm dilated.  On measly little cm.  I almost cried.  (Especially since I was in labor and delivery at 4:00 am having contractions every three minutes when they told me.)  Needless to say, I was sent home to wait.  They stopped a few hours later and I have been waiting ever since.

I have been having a lot of back pain with her, which I never had with Zack, and that, combined with the lack of dilation despite contractions (LOTS of contractions) leads me to believe that on top of being stubborn she is also most likely sunny side up.  Lucky me huh?

On top of all of this I also discovered, just today, that Jim's new insurance will not cover Zack's pediatric clinic, the same one we have used for five years and planned to keep using.  So I am also in the process of adjusting to the idea of having to go somewhere else.  I have asked for, and gotten, a couple of good recommendations on Facebook but I still hate the idea of having to go somewhere else.

Guess I better get over it quickly as I need to pick someone post haste in case she decides to get over stubborn any time soon.

Still Here

Wow, a month?  Has it really been a month since I have been here?  Lately it seems like life is getting away from me.

Zack starts school in two weeks.  With the courts being what they are, things have been delayed so we won't be able to start him with a new name.  However, for him he won't know any different.  Hopefully within another couple of months we will be able to file and get it all changed.

The little girl in my belly is still growing.  I am 36 weeks 2 days today and I am more than ready to be done.  My sleeping is sporadic at best and my hips hurt and my back hurts and her but is shoved up under my ribs.

Her room is ready.  All of her clothes are ready.  I only have a couple more projects to finish at work and then... she can come any time.

I really have reached that point where I'm just over it.  I want her to be healthy but I also do not want to be pregnant any more.  (Nor do I want to be at work any more)

I feel like a slacker blogger but with all that is going on and with as little sleep as I am getting I really don't have a whole lot more to offer you.

Any pressing questions you have for me??

Leftover Pieces

The last month in our house has been a flurry of cleaning and updating and sorting and moving. 

Our bathroom was an after thought in a house that was built before indoor plumbing was ever an option so it desperately needs redone.  Unfortunately, that is not in our budget, but some upgrades were.  New bathroom paneling, paint, light, shower curtain, etc.  Lipstick on a pig... but it will get us through until we can afford the entire remodel.

The attic was a flurry of totes of baby clothes and toys that all had to be sorted and either thrown away, garaged saled, or kept for this newest little one.  Just yesterday we pulled the crib and the final 6 totes of baby items out of the attic.  All told I would guess I have now sorted through over 30 totes of baby items.

Finally there is my office.  My office was in our 3rd bedroom upstairs.  Since we only have three bedrooms in our house it had to be moved to make room for this little girl.  Which sounds MUCH easier than it actually was.  My office was 6 - 8 totes & a filing cabinet worth of paper, receipts, pictures, cards, letters, etc.  The last time any of it was sorted and organized was in 2007.  In 2008 when things started to fall apart so did my office.  Instead of sorting things and filing and throwing away it just got piled up.  And when that pile started to topple, a new pile was made.  Eventually last summer I got tired of looking at all of it and I stacked it all in totes.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Sort of...

Until now...

Last night I finished the last of the sorting.  My office has been moved downstairs, several garbage bags worth of items have been thrown out and several hundred (possibly over a thousand) documents have been scanned in and then shredded.

What is left, is the pieces.  Some remnants of a shattered life left over in a tote I will open when Zack is old enough to understand what it is.  A tote I will simply label FoTB.  This is the part I struggle with the most.  What to leave in that tote and what to throw away.

I have told myself for years that I would not sugar coat FoTB to Zack.  I am not going to make him out to be this saint with whom things just didn't work out.  That is not fair to me or to Zack.  However, I also think there are parts of that story that may be best saved for older years.  Things to be kept and things to just be shared along the way.

For now, it contains pictures.  Pictures of a man he may or may not remember clearly in 10 years.  It also contains some cards and letters that we wrote.  Those were hard for me to read and hard for me to keep, but again I can't sugar coat this for him.  Almost every card I got from him, birthday, anniversary, etc. is filled with I'm sorry about this, or I'm sorry about that, or things are going to get better.  Years and years of broken promises that are more embarrassing now than anything.  Things I look back on and wonder, was that really my life?  Why in the world did I continue to do that year after year?

Leftover pieces, sealed away in a tote....

Resigning as a Grown Up

This morning I had to take my favorite pet, my cat Lex, to the vet to be put down.  His health had been failing for a little while but we figured he was almost 13 and bound to be slowing down.  Then on Sunday we could tell something just wasn't right.  He just laid around our first floor, meandering from room to room but never going upstairs where he normally sleeps, or downstairs where he normally eats.

Sunday night I knew the time was near, yet I didn't want to make that decision.  I kept hoping he would make it for me.  Yesterday when I got up he was sitting in the kitchen and it looked like he was drinking some water.  We had brought some food to him on Sunday night and it appeared that maybe he had taken a couple bites.  I was holding out hope that perhaps he just had a cold or something and would get better.

When I got home from work last night one side of his face was twitching a little and his eyes had started to sink back into his face.  Yet still, I tried to hold out hope.  I went to the store and bought some canned cat food.  He licked it but would not take a bite.  I put some in his mouth and he tried to chew but it kept falling out and he couldn't eat it.  It was at that point that I knew it was over.

I'm not sure that I remember the last time I cried this much.  I cried and cried last night until I finally fell asleep and this morning, as soon as I saw him lying on the kitchen floor barely able to move or make a sound it started all over again.  I spent most of this morning in a state of completely choked up or crying.

Finally at 7:30 when the vet's office opened I called and made the appointment.  My wonderful friend Jess agreed to meet me there since Jim had to go to work and couldn't get off.  I knew what had to be done but I wasn't sure I could actually do it.  Make the decision to ask the vet to take him from breathing to not.

I cried the whole way there and when we got in I could barely utter a sound.  Luckily Jess was there because the people in that office wouldn't have been able to understand anything otherwise.   The vet looked at him and asked if he had been losing weight for awhile.  I told him probably a couple months but we just figured it was his age.  He said he was dehydrated and probably anemic and at this point he felt we were doing the right thing.  Somehow, knowing I was doing the right thing, hearing him say I was doing the right thing, still didn't make it any easier.

By 8:15 it was over and he was back in my van in a box.  We will bury him in our yard tonight and then take on the task of trying to explain it all to Zack.

My eyes are burning, and I'm sure pretty puffy.  I am at work but not really working.

I hate this part of being a grown up.  Can I resign?

Some People Never Learn

FoTB is in jail again.  Gee, that didn't take long did it?  He is now charged with felony theft and two counts of probation violation.  From what I understand there may be more theft charges coming.

We are ready for all of this to be over.  We knew he would screw up again when we signed the post-adoption agreement.  We knew he would never get to visit Zack or come to his activities.  That is why we signed.  I just don't think either of us thought it would be this soon.

After 30 days in jail he will have a probation revocation hearing.  If they revoke his probation, the agreement is null and void.  If they do not revoke his probation then we wait for him to be convicted of a crime.  Any crime will do.  Even if they plead the felony theft down to a misdemeanor as soon as the plea is accepted the agreement is null and void.

We have decided to change Zack's name as soon as that happens.  If there was anyone left in Zack's life with that last name we might consider waiting and letting him chose but there is not.  No one he knows, no one he visits has that last name.  We feel like he should have the opportunity to be part of our family, to fully feel included.  If he turns 16 and decides he hates it and wants to change it back, he can.  Although, I doubt at that point he will.

For us, this part is more for us just watching an enjoying not being stressed by it.  The termination is over.  The adoption is over.  All that is really left is if we change his name or not and that is the least stressful part of the whole thing.  Which is wonderful.  After all of the ups and downs of the last year it is so nice to pull up the inmates website and know that no matter what happens, it no longer affects us negatively.

I am SOOO glad we filed and went to court when we did.  I am SOOO glad to have the majority of this behind us.

Now we can focus on t-ball and decorating baby rooms and getting ready for kindergarten.  (**sniff, sniff** how is my baby going to kindergarten in 10 weeks??)

Wait, stop... back that up.  10 weeks.  Ten...  wow, how has time flown.  I'm not ready, someone hold me....  :-)

Are you sure you are done?

Today I am 26w4d.  In standard pregnancy terms this means that if I were to deliver on my due date I would have 13w2d left of this pregnancy.

Last weekend I had a garage sale in which I sold all of my boy clothes because this baby is a girl and after this baby, we are done.

I haven't written a whole lot about this pregnancy here, there have been a few other things going on in our lives, and I haven't really discussed it a lot in my personal life either but this decision to be done is one we are continually asked about.

More importantly the dreaded: Are you sure? question.

So, let me give you a little bit of background. 

About a year after we started dating Jim and I were discussing adding to our family.  We already knew we were getting engaged and eventually married and so we figured this was the next logical step.  When we were talking about it Jim stated, very clearly, that he only wanted one more child.  (In fact, I think there was something about going out to the garage and fixing himself before he would have more than one more.)  At the time, I cried.  A LOT.

My answer to him was that I wasn't SURE I wanted more than one more, I just wasn't ready to shut the door quite yet.  I remembered times I loved being pregnant with Zack and times I disliked it.  All I knew at that point was that I wanted to have another pregnancy.  A "normal" home life pregnancy if you will and then go from there.

So we tabled the discussion.

Then last year, after we were married, we started seriously deciding how many more children we wanted and how many more we felt were right for our family situation, money, travel plans, extra curricular activities we wanted them to be able to participate in, etc.

In the end, it was decided that one more child made the most sense for our family.  At that point I would say I was about 90% comfortable with that.  We weren't pregnant yet and I wasn't 100% sure how I would feel once we were, but one more seemed to make the most sense.

Then on Christmas Eve morning I peed on a stick and that magic little word popped up: Pregnant.

From that point forward, it all changed.  Let me tell you now how certain I am that this will be our last child.  250%.  Let me give you one little word to describe this pregnancy and explain to you why I am now 250% certain:

Miserable.  (Pretty much 100% of the time)

Shall we start from the beginning?

At 5 weeks pregnant I was already starting to get nauseous.  The doctor put me on 25 mg of B6 and a Unisom.  (No idea why this works, but it seems to)  That curbed the nausea enough that I could eat some foods.

At 6 weeks I was tired, like 8:00 pm if I wasn't in bed I was a walking zombie tired.  So the few hours I was awake I was mildly nauseous and then I had to sleep at least 10 hours a night to function for those few hours I was awake.

I also started to show by 6 weeks, so none of my pants fit me.  I was in maternity pants by 6 weeks and maternity tops by probably 10 weeks.

At 8 weeks the "home remedy", so to speak, stopped working and I was put on Zofran.  I took one Zofran every single day, the moment I woke up, and I was functional.  All be it, barely.  There were days were I was lucky to eat a couple pieces of fruit.  I wasn't throwing up, but I may have wished to just crawl into bed and not come out on more than one occasion.

I also developed chronic constipation from the Zofran.  A fun little side effect they forget to mention to you.  So on top of the prenatal, the B6, the unisom & the Zofran I also got to start taking colace and fiber.  Lots of fiber.  Only it didn't really work.  So once a week I got to drink Milk of Magnesia.

Why yes, yes it does taste as awful as it sounds.  I basically had to count the number of days in between and when I got to three or four I had to pull that stuff out and drink away.  It works, but it sucks... a lot.

I also developed a food aversion to meat.  (which I had with Zack as well).  This was more mild than with him so I did not have to become full on vegetarian for 20 weeks but I could only eat it in small bites.  I could be mid chicken sandwich and one bite would just go badly and that was it.  Done, no more or it was all coming up.  (This is still mildly persistent right now)

Sometime around 12 weeks along she found my syatic nerve and promptly proceeded to take up residence right on top of it.  So, to go along with the continual nausea and constipation I also got to limp.  Sometimes when I would stand up it would hurt so bad I would wince and flail my arms a bit. 

The only good part of this was that it seemed to provide endless entertainment to my husband and son.

Finally at about 13 weeks I was able to stop taking the Zofran.  I was still mildly nauseous but that went away about 14 - 15 weeks and I finally thought yay!!  I am entering the great part of my pregnancy.

Then she shifted forward.  About 18 weeks I started noticing some pain in my lady business.  It started out mild, over the following weeks it got stronger.  The doctor tells me there is no cure except delivering the baby, which I obviously can't do yet.  At 26 weeks, there are moments when I can not walk from my office to my car without almost crying.  It is both ligaments that run down the side of my stomach, on both sides of my lady parts and down the insides of my legs.

Again, the only upside is this seems to provide endless entertainment for my husband and son as they watch me flap when I get up if it hurts or "waddle" into places.  My son says I walk like a duck.  I'm pretty sure he learned that from my husband.  I will sell them both to you cheap if you are interested.  :-)

At 23 weeks I started noticing I was getting light headed after eating and sometimes before.  So much so that I sort of felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  I was pretty convinced I was diabetic and that this was  a reaction to sugar but nothing I ate seemed to make a difference.  Just meat, just water, it all had the same effect.  I was miserable for at least 2 - 4 hours out of each day.

Oh, and still tired, still very, very tired.

At 24 weeks they checked my blood levels and as it turns out, I was anemic.  So, I get to add iron to my list of daily pills.  However, my body is very picky about this iron and I have to take it alone, and still take my other multi vitamins or the dizziness comes back with a vengence.

I also failed my glucose test so I had to take the three hour version.  Turns out the lack of Iron and the fact that I ate an hour before my test effected that because the only thing I got out of the three hour one was a waisted morning and three holes in my arm.  I passed that one no problem.

Finally, we have the contractions.  Oh yes, contractions.  They started at 24 weeks, 4 days.  That set lasted about 2 hours.  Then on Tuesday night I got another set for another two hours.  I am trying to work through them with rest and lots of water.  I would, if at all possible like to avoid the Terbuteline that I had to take with Zack.  That stuff makes you feel AWFUL and I have enough of that feeling already without it.

So, to give you a grand summary, at 26 weeks 4 days, I waddle when I walk, I am in continual pain, I get very dizzy and light headed if I do not stick to a strict regimen of Iron and multivitimans and I'm not getting any smaller, which means the waddling will not get any better.

So to answer your question, am I sure?  At this point, I may resort to fixing him in the garage....

Yes, absolutely, positively sure.

And now, a picture... since you endured my whinning.

Bullet Points

I have lots going on right now and somehow posting seems to fall to the bottom of the list.  So, I shall update you in bullet points.  Hopefully, for now, you will forgive me.  Someday when things slow down perhaps I will have more than bullet points.

• The garage sale is over, it went very well.  Most of the big stuff was sold and we made enough to buy the car seat & stroller as well as the rest of the little things we need to get for her.
• I had an amazing friend offer to give me a pump, so that part I no longer have to worry about.  It is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as pumps are very expensive.
• After the garage sale I donated all the leftover clothes to friends.  I was going to take them to the donation center but after thinking about it decided I would rather have people I know using them.  Four little boys will be getting new wardrobes.  I think that is the best use I can think of for those old clothes.
• I also saved three toys for a little boy at our church.  When we were packing up to take the leftover toys to the donation center (not very many by the way... people LOVE to buy toys apparently) there were three I just couldn't bare to donate.  I hope he enjoys them as much as Zack did.
• I bought my first outfit for the little one this weekend.  Jim bought me two on my birthday and I bought her one yesterday.  We have lots of 2nd hand clothes she will be wearing but I wanted a couple of new things.  The more we buy and I wash the more real this seems.
• I only have 14 weeks left until this little girl comes.  That doesn't seem like very long.  I am panicking a bit because I have TONS of stuff in my office left to sort through and get rid of or scan in so we can move my desk and file cabinet.  I know it will all get done, I just need to take it a little at a time.
• We got Zack's new birth certificate in the mail this weekend.  It is exciting to see it.  There is no mention of FoTB on there anywhere.  I find it strange that they don't list biological father and adoptive father but I guess that is how it works.  Jim is now his dad and FoTB is now erased in the eyes of the law.
• We also paid off the lawyers last week.  Those were painful checks.  We had to take out a loan.  That part sucks.  Jim told Zack that he may not understand it now but when he gets older, he better put us in a really nice nursing home.
• As much as it sucked to write the checks, it is 100% worth it.  Zack is a whole different kid than he was at this time last year.  It breaks my heart to imagine what he had to go through but I'm so glad that it is all over now.

Well, that is all I have for now.  Hopefully I will be back to check in again soon.