Finding my Voice

Hello out there to anyone who is still reading.  I'm guessing 4 maybe 5 of you.  This place has sort of sat empty for far too long and I miss it.  I miss writing down what the kids did or are going to do.  I miss writing down the details I don't want to forget and I miss the interaction.

At the peak of this blog I had 50 people reading per day.  Now, 50 isn't a lot when you consider Dooce has what 50,000?  But to me, they were my 50 people.  People who loved me and wanted to share in my life.

So, for 2013, my goal is to try to find my voice here again.  To get back to writing and sharing and the whole blogging community.

I don't know how well I will do at it, but I'm going to try.  Will you join me on my journey?

Mornings with Ava

Every morning, sometime between 1:00 am and 4:00 am Ava wakes up.  She is hungry and that is the point at which, even if just for an hour, hunger wins over sleep.

This morning it was 1:37... but momma was tired... oh so tired.  So, I pulled her out of her co-sleeper and into bed with me.  She snuggled right in and the next thing I knew it was 3:50.

I looked down, realized that she seemed to be pretty well passed out and so I slid her over to her co-sleeper and debated on whether I could go another 2 hours before I pumped.  At 4:05 she answered that question for me so downstairs we went.

Every early morning is the same.  I lay her in the boppy with her binkie in her mouth and I pump.  If it has been anywhere longer than 3-4 hours she just chokes and spits so I just resign myself to pumping to save us both the trouble.

As I pump she patiently waits.  She will smile at me and sometimes coo or suck on her binkie and drift in and out of sleep.  As tired as I am, I love this time, just me an her.  Over the last almost four months her patience has astounded me.  Last night it had been somewhere around 9 hours since she had eaten yet never did she freak out.  Just watched me pump knowing that I would take care of her.  Knowing that, no matter what, mom would make it better.

At 4:45 I fell back into bed, too exhausted to be awake one minute longer and at 6:00 when the alarm went off I wanted nothing more than just to continue sleeping, so I did.  Finally at a little before 7:00 she was awake.  No crying, just a little bit of squawking to let me know it was time.

As I changed her to get her ready for daycare she smiled at me and cooed and I still, almost four months later, was amazed that they let me bring her home.  That this amazingly awesome child is mine and that I get to keep her.

Sometimes life is crazy and we spend all day running around but at night, it is quiet and calm.  Just me and her enjoying these little moments that will be gone all too soon.

Slap on the Wrist

A week ago FoTB had court.  He plead guilty to two class D felonies and last Tuesday was his sentencing.

Before he was sentenced, the state of Iowa did an investigation.  The Pre-sentencing investigator basically looks at the person's history, previous crimes, etc and recommends what their sentence should be.  The pre-sentencing investigator said that he has a high instance of recidivism and that he should be sentenced to prison.

My parents and I went to the hearing.  Because he stole from them, they were both allowed to give a statement.  They both said he should go to prison.

The county attorney came up to us before the sentencing and he told us he ALSO thought that FoTB should be given prison time.

The judge gave him two years of probation and another year long stint in his 10th, or 11th or hell, I can't remember how many treatment centers.  Seriously?

In our state right now there is a high profile case of a former police officer who was just arrested again for cutting off his ankle bracelet.  The first time he was sentenced the judge gave him a 16 1/2 year sentence and they suspended it and gave him 3 years of probation.  From what I understand he is now going to have to do his 16 1/2 year sentence.

FoTB needs to go to prison.  If he fails probation he is supposed to go for 10 years.  I think he will end up there for 10 years.  He has never been sober for 2 years and he has never successfully completed an intensive treatment program.  He was kicked out of his 6 month one for failing to write his life story and he has to do that in the first two weeks in this new one.

I think it is a joke and I think the reason we have all of these people in and out of the court system is because they know it is a joke.  Why should they change when they know they will just get probation and another slap on the wrist?

HOWEVER, in happier news, Zack's last name was officially changed on the 8th so no matter what happens with FoTB, it no longer affects us.  He has no say in Zack's life any more and now he doesn't even share a last name with him.

BFF

Mom, Ava's not just my sister. She's also my best friend. And we live together, so we're going to be friends forever right?

I hope so buddy. I hope so.

Good Morning

"Good Morning beautiful, how was your night? Mine was wonderful with you by my side. When I,  open my eyes and see your sweet face it's a good morning beautiful day." - Steve Holy

Parenthood

That moment where you pick her up, squeeze her in tight and she snuggles into you. Her breathing slows, she completely relaxes and you know, without a doubt that everything you went through, the sickness, the swelling, the heartburn,  the insomnia, the labor, was all worth it for this moment. Happiness, joy, love.

The Pump

I have a love hate relationship with my pump.  On one hand it allows me to feed my daughter.  On the other hand it ties me to my office every three hours.  It feels like I am always in the middle of something when it is time to pump.

I got one of those hands free bra things but it feels like it is a bigger waste of valuable time to put that on then to just suck it up and type with one hand.

On the upside, Ava is growing and happy.  She is a peanut, only in the 8th percentile for weight but the doctor seems unconcerned.  Last night she slept from 8 - 5 which was awesome.  Only thing that would have made it better would have been if I wasn't up pumping at 2:45.  I suppose I will adjust to the longer stretches eventually.  I know I did with Zack.