"Dealing with things far beyond my maturity level"
-Juno
That is the only excuse that I have to offer you right now for where I have been. I'm not sure how exactly to put this eloquently so I'm just kind of going to throw it out there...
Relapse.
It is a word that I have heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon. People's husbands, children, wives, 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone. But I never thought that anyone would be me.
Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? Why did I think that I had all the answers to how to deal with the situation? Apparently, God had other plans for me. In Al-anon we work the 12 steps the same as the AA people do. And the first step is Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
I thought I had this step down pat. I knew I was powerless. I understood that I couldn't control it, only really... I didn't. On January 1st I was reminded that this is a new year... and NOT a year I am in charge of. Instead I quickly learned that no amount of watching, questioning, or controlling is going to stop Jake from doing what Jake is doing. Like it or lump it....
I don't feel a lot of detail is going to really help any of us but for the record it was pot. Started after a family member had some legal troubles. (That I can't write about here) At the time I remember saying to him please talk to someone about how upset you are. These things can lead to relapse. I said them, but I never believed them...
I had started to suspect something for awhile and on New Year's day I found the evidence and I asked him to leave our house until he could decide what he wanted for his life. I've been in Al-anon long enough to know relapse happens. I don't like it, I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it and decide what I'm willing to deal with for myself.
After about a week of him being gone I had decided that if he was willing to get back into his program and pass a drug test I was willing to work on our marriage and our family. We have now started the process of reintegrating him back into our house. Things are getting better. I hated the person that he was for the last two months and I am starting to love, all over again, the person that he is when he is not using.
I could sit here and give you a thousand reasons why I have made the choices I have in the last four weeks but my choices will never be any of your choices and I'm learning very quickly that I have to make the choice that I feel is best for myself and my son at the present moment. Tomorrow, that choice might be different. And that is ok. I only have to take one day at a time.
I have started another blog, an anonymous blog, where I write much more openly about what is going on. I am open to letting some of you read it, as long as you are not related to me. I am VERY open on that blog and I don't want anyone who knows us/is related to us to be offended by things I say about myself or about Jake. That is why I have kept the blog 100% anonymous and will continue to do so.
As for us, we are taking things slowly. Tax season is going as well as can be expected. I have a fantastic support system who has stepped in to watch Zack for me on Saturday's until I feel that Jake will be able to do so. We are refinancing the house, in my name only, so in the event that something like this continues to be a problem I will be able to make sure that my son and I are taken care of.
He is, and continues to be my first priority. I put him second for the first 10 weeks of his life and I will never do that again...
