Friday, June 1, 2007

Oh Bother...

That would be the kind of day I'm having today. One of those no good very bad types of days. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The kind of day where you focus on all the bad that is going on and forget to think about the good. That's me today...

Zack got up at 4:00. Usually this is not a problem but today he didn't want to settle back down. He just proceeded to lie there and kick me and keep me awake.

My alarm went off at 5:00. I was just dosing back off. I got out of bed at 5:30.

I get downstairs and I notice that the one load of laundry that I have managed to get clean this week will probably have to be re-washed, or at least re-dried because one of my stupid cats decided the laundry basket was her bed!! (Like I have TIME to re-wash clothes!!)

Then I get into the bathroom and notice that one of the cats has decided to use my rug as their own personal barfing ground and hacked a hairball on it.

The dog is loosing weight. He looks awful. I feed him the same amount as always, this week I have doubled it and I don't know if it's stress or if some thing's wrong. I'm afraid to take him to the vet because Jake will be devastated if something is wrong and I am HORRIBLE at lying to him so if I know something he will know something.

I got the bill for Jake's first stay in Broadlawns from 3/20 - 4/13. $20,000. Did you fall out of your chair yet? My portion is $1,900. Yeah... not as bad but still pretty close. I can only imagine the joy that will come when I get the rest of the bill for his second stay.

It is raining. Not just a little sprinkle either. When I was driving to work it was like a fire fighting helicopter was overhead and it had opened the bucket and was just pouring the water out. My hair... well it's a good thing I didn't do much with it because now my bangs are flat and my hair is frizzy...

I miss my son. I miss my son every day but today seems more than usual. He is so happy in the mornings that I just want to stay there with him and watch him smile and laugh. I need to get up earlier so that I can spend more time doing this.

Jake's pass got denied. Did I tell you he was trying to get a pass? He couldn't request one until he had been there 30 days so we counted on a calendar and thought 30 days was Saturday. I think they are counting differently. Technically he won't have been there a month until Monday.

Jake and I got in an argument over the phone last night. About what you ask?? The only thing we have to argue about these days. Money. He wanted some money to go to Costco today and I told him I didn't have any to give him. Only I'm not sure I was that nice about it. It ANGERS me a lot when he talks to me about money. It is like there is a big angry pot inside of me and it boils over whenever that subject comes up.

Finally there is all of this crap with this site. Honestly at this point, at least for this one post, if you don't have something nice and supportive to say PLEASE just keep your comments to yourself. Post on your own website, e-mail your friends, hell e-mail my friends, just don't carbon me on the e-mail okay?

At this point I don't really care what any of you think about the decisions I am making. I know my husband. I know him better than any one else and I have talked to him, more than what I have posted here or told any of you. I know that his addiction is a disease. It is in his family and his marriage is not the only marriage/relationship that has been threatened by it.

Say what you will (to yourselves today) but I am not making excuses for him. I know what he did was wrong and I am not willing for him to just come skipping back into our lives and pretend that nothing happened. But I also know that he has an illness. He didn't get help because he couldn't. He asked for it but then he would always say he could do it on his own. In the end it boils down to what he told me, "it doesn't matter how much you love your family your addiction takes hold and you just can't do it on your own. I wanted to check myself in to a treatment facility but I just couldn't do it."

Believe what you will (still to yourselves) but I chose to believe that he was sick and that in his right state of mind he would never have put anyone he loves in danger nor would he have done some of the things he has done. I know he's sorry, I know that he wants to make things right. I don't need to beat a dead horse by bashing him over and over with what happened. He gets it now we all need to move on.

At this point my sanity depends on surrounding myself with supportive people and on NOT dwelling on what happened in the past. Every time I think about it I have days like this. It happened, it's over and no it DOES NOT MATTER if I know 100% of what happened. It's over and if I'm willing to move on than you all should be willing to let me.

P.S. Thank you to all the anonymous people (whomever you are) who have been so great yesterday and today and have really stood up for me. It helps more than you know!!