Saturday, May 23, 2009

Self Image

I suppose this could be my Friday Confessionals post but it's Saturday so we're just going to go with that title up there. Let's see... self image.

On Monday Jess and I will start a weight loss/healthier life challenge. In October we are going to Tybee Island and I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my body by then. I bought the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred tapes and some hand weights and there are also some crunches I'm supposed to do. That's 4.5 per day right Jess? As if four and a half??

Anyway, all of this has got me thinking a lot about my own self image and in turn how I judge others. All of my life I have always been attracted to the muscular, if somewhat stalky, man. In high school there were a couple of guys who may have been interested in me but they were bigger guys so I never gave them the time of day.

As I read back through my journals they are filled with guys I dated, guys I was friends with, etc. Yet everything seems so superficial to me. The guys that were actually REALLY nice to me I was not interested in because I wasn't "attracted" to. The guys I was attracted to were never really nice to me.

So, now that I'm in the process of a divorce I'm trying to dig deep and look at the things that are really important to me. At some point I would like to start dating again and I would like to think that I am a more mature, better person now. Yet, part of me still questions this. Could I date a guy who was not that physically attractive but who treated me like the Queen of England?

I think a lot of this stems back to the fact that I'm not comfortable with who I am and so therefore I'm trying to pick someone good looking to make me feel better about myself. When really, I need to be comfortable in my own skin and date someone who is comfortable in theirs.

So, here's my question to you... could you/would you/have you dated a person who you did not find physically attractive but with whom you had a lot in common with or really liked their personality? Why or why not. There are no wrong answers here and feel free to comment anonymously if you're worried about being judged.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Hey Blog!!

Hey... is anyone still out there? How have you been? I have missed you!!

I told my story at an Al-anon meeting on Tuesday and so for the last two weeks if I have been doing any writing at all it has been on that. The speech was 45 minutes and I think, at least I hope, that I helped at least a few people in the process. If in no other way than it was helpful to see that someone had been where they were. They weren't the only one that had been through things and this person in front of them had made it to the other side.

I will be writing a lot of the story over there (If you are not sure where that is drop me an e-mail) and also am considering submitting some of it to some Al-anon news letters and even trying to put it into book format. Of course I have a long way to go but it was SOO therapeutic for me to just get most of it out there that if anything I have to say can help someone else I want to do it.

So... what else is going on? My baby is getting bigger every day. He is SOO smart and he continually keeps me on my toes. Last night he continued his cooking lessons with my mom while I went out with a friend.
From what I was told when I picked him up this morning she had to put in extra chocolate chips to make up for the handfuls that he shoved in his mouth after he poured in the first cup but before she could get the second cup measured and to him to dump in.
As far as I'm concerned it's a good dang thing she is teaching him to cook because he sure as hell isn't going to learn it from mommy!!
So, speech is over, life is moving on and hopefully I will be back for good now. Sorry to be away so long!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Friday Confessionals

I would LOVE to stand on a stage and look out into 10,000 chairs. To be able to see what it feels like up there looking out on all of that.

Last night Katie and I went to the Kenny Chesney concert. She got free tickets through her work and the whole time, as I looked down on that stage all I could think about was what it would feel like to stand on it. To hear my voice echo throughout the arena. It could be empty, while I LOVE to sing, I'm not sure that I'm concert worthy but it would still be pretty cool even if the chairs were empty.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Letting Go

Letting go does not mean to stop caring
it just means I can't do it for someone else.

Letting go is not to cut myself off --
it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable --
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting to is to admit powerlessness --
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to change or blame another --
it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to car for -- but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix -- but to be supportive.

It is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome --
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

Letting go is not to be protective --
it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny -- but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue --
but instead to seek out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires --
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize and regulate anybody --
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past --
but to grow and live for the future.

Letting go is to fear less and live more.

**If you're looking for me... I'm hiding out over there today.**

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The 1st Anniversary....

It's late and I should probably go to bed but I have just been to a movie and had WAY more Mt. Dew than one person should consume in a week, let alone one evening so I'm a little wound for sound.

Did I tell you all that today is my birthday? (For the next 19 minutes anyway) and I have been thinking a lot today about these last 29 years. How did I get here and more importantly where the hell am I going?

A friend of mine wrote a list of 29 things about herself when she turned 29 last month and since I am in a place where I am deciding who I am and who I am not, I thought I would do something a little different... but a list just the same. So here goes.....

I have never:

1) Been arrested

2) Had a one night stand

3) Been Drunk

4) Smoked anything (Cigarettes or otherwise)

5) Taken any drug that was not prescription

6) Stolen anything (although there was one incident where I picked up a grape that had fallen on the floor and my mother THOUGHT I stole it but I swear... totally just picking it up to throw away. Who would steal a grape anyway??)

7) Been to Europe

8) Been to a Rock Concert

9) Been Para sailing (Or really anything that requires my feet to be off of the ground in such a manner that I could... oh I don't know... PLUMMET TO MY DEATH!!)

10) Had a picture of me taken in less than a bathing suit

I Have:

11) Given birth

12) Been to South America

13) Loved someone so much it hurt

14) Cried so hard I threw up

15) Laughed until I peed my pants

16) Traveled to almost all of the continental 48 states

17) Graduated from College

18) Passed the CPA on the first try

19) Made friends here with people I have never met

20) Discovered more about life in the last four months than I had in the previous 344 (yes that's months... yes I used a calculator)

I am:

21) A woman

22) A mother

23) A daughter

24) A sister

25) A single parent

26) An optimist

27) An animal lover

28) A true blue country fan

29) A person who is finally learning who they are and loving every minute of it

Thank you all for being here on the 1st anniversary of my 29th birthday!! Here's to happy times ahead!!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Friday Confessionals

I am a horrible listener and even worse remember. I'm not sure if this makes me a horrible friend or just a person who needs to pay the F^%$ attention.

My friends tell me things they've done, places they are going, etc. I'll be damned if I can remember that when it actually happens. I have one friend who will remember that 3 weeks ago I told her I was getting my hair cut at 8:00 on Saturday morning and then she might even call and see if I need her to watch Zack.

Me... yeah not so much. She could tell me on Thursday night that she is going out of town on Friday and without fail I will call Friday night and ask her what she's up to.

I feel bad about this, I really do but I do NOT remember these things. I have a hard enough time remembering my own schedule that's why I keep it in a planner.

So if you tell me you are doing something and I call you and act all oblivious, it's not an act, I'm really that oblivious.