Saturday, February 28, 2009

What's My Status?

This morning I was looking at my facebook profile and decided I wanted to update it a bit. So I got to the question about relationship status and was a little stumped.

Where's the button for:

For the second time in two months I had to ask my husband to leave our house after I found that he had been drinking continuing to smoke pot and he had not come home before midnight for three nights in a row and now he's moving into this little tiny apartment and I never knew it was possible to be this scared and relieved all at the same time.

In the end I picked "It's Complicated."

I think that's an understatement....

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Confessionals

I have drawn a line in the sand with Jake. My very first boundary that I can't take back. If he messes up, if he goes missing, if he is using our lives will change. He will be asked to move out again and the big D word will most likely be in our future.

I'm TERRIFIED of this. I have never, in my life, had a boundary that he didn't cross and a consequence that I stuck to. I'm so afraid that he will cross that line and I will make an excuse for him. That I won't be strong enough to do what I know has to be done.

I know that this is the right choice for me and for my family. I know that we can't keep living that life but as a wonderful blogger that I read said today (on a totally different topic)...

"Knowing something is right just seems so far away from getting to a place where you can be ok with it."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

7th Circle of Hell

I am sorry for the quietness around here lately. Is anyone still out there? Hello??

I feel like I've sort of crossed over into my own little piece of hell where I'm reliving my life from 2 years ago and really, it's not going so well.

I e-mailed the lawyer this morning. I am seeking answers right now and have not made any permanent decisions but I am closer to leaving than I am to staying.

Right now, I'm having a REALLY hard time accepting that we went through all of the last two years for nothing. That after all of this we are spiraling right back to where we were. As far as I know he has not made the leap from pot to meth but I fear that if he doesn't take some drastic steps he will be there soon. I feel like I failed. Like I tried and I failed and now I have to explain to my son that you just can't fix some problems.

I'm sad for Jake.. and I'm sad for our family. Mostly, I'm extreemly sad for my son. I know that some people think I'm strong but I don't feel strong. I feel scared and horribly, horribly sad....

This "[...] is the brave thing to do. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure. But you're not. You're marching into the unknown, armed with... nothing."

- You've Got Mail