It's a Gummy Bear

We had our first doctors appointment today. Everything looks good. Measuring perfectly at 8w1d and the heart beat was easily seen on screen.

The doctor even printed me out the above picture which he assures me is, in fact, our baby but looks more like a jelly bean, or a gummy bear. :-)

We are both head over heals excited and just pray that everything continues normally.

Irrational Rationalization

A week ago FoTB was served with papers. He was supposed to have a court date but it was canceled. Luckily, the process server we hired was persistent and she tracked him down and served him that night.

The next day was Zack's 5th birthday. 5... OMG... how is he FIVE already?? Anyhow, AMAZINGLY enough, he called that day. No phone call for three months before but he calls then. Gee, couldn't have ANYTHING to do with being served the night before could it?

Either way, the message he left was so surreal I had to listen to it twice to make sure I wasn't missing something. "Hey, just have a birthday present for Zack and was wondering if I could drop it off at daycare or by the house sometime."

As if he had been out of town on business for a week, not MIA for the last 3 1/2 months. The second time he called, I answered. My only words were, you have not called, text or emailed for 10 weeks, what makes you think you can just stop by?

It was at this point he lost it. Started screaming and yelling at me that it was all my fault and I wouldn't let him talk to him, etc.

I hung up. I spent more years than I care to count being screamed at and berated by this man. I do not need it and I am not going to put up with it.

After I hung up I sent him a text, reminding him he had been served with termination papers (Termination idiot... as in you can not just stop by out of the blue) and asking him to please do the right thing by Zack and just go away and let him be happy.

The response I got from him was irrational, at best. He text me that he would never walk away from his son (isn't that what he already did... he hasn't contacted us in 10 weeks) and that he had 3 of the best lawyers in town on it and I better not mess with him.

Mmmmm.... hmmmm... that big talk may work with some people, but it stopped working on me several years ago.

I just text him back and reminded him that he was facing 5 felonies and 4 misdemeanors and SEVERAL years in jail. That he had no case.

He left me with a text simply saying, that is what you think. Have a nice day.

Then, about an hour and a half later my phone lit up. When I looked, it was a text from him. It simply said, "Can I call my son and tell him happy birthday and that I love him and I miss him?"

Huh? What? I looked at it, re-read it. Put the phone down, pulled it back out when Jim got home, had him look at the series of texts from an hour earlier. Was I unclear in the TERMINATION part? Was I unclear in please just go away and let him be happy? No, no it was all pretty clear, and yet, there it was, a text acting as if that whole series of texts before had never happened.

At that point, all I could do was default to an Al-anon slogan I learned early on. You can't argue with crazy. You are trying to rationalize something which is 100% irrational.

He is, without a doubt, irrational at best, delusional at worst. Stuck so far into his addiction right now that nothing he says or does makes any sense to someone on the outside looking in. It is sad and scary all at the same time and all I can do is pray that the judge sees this our way and does what we feel is in Zack's best interest right now to keep him away from all of this.

Update of Sorts

Well, FoTB is supposed to be in court on Wednesday. With any luck by noon on Wednesday a process server will have tracked him down and said those famous words to him. "FoTB, you have been served."

After that, it is any one's guess what will happen. He may call me within 15 minutes of getting the paperwork to rant and rave. He may not call me at all but show up promptly on March 15th with some lawyer he handles to "fight for his son." Or he may just sign the paperwork and slip quietly into the sunset.

When they serve him on Wednesday it will be:

17 weeks since he has seen Zack
16 weeks since we suspended visits
11 weeks since he has talked to Zack
10 weeks since he has had any communication with me
7 weeks since he has paid any child support
1 Thanksgiving missed without a word
1 Christmas missed without a word
1 New Year missed without a word

I'm just ready for this to all be over.

I spoke to his ex fiance today. She was supposed to write a statement for us to have. Something saying all the things she told me were true. That he had alcohol around the boys. That he left her regularly with the boys while he went out, etc.

She's not writing it.

She says with him out of jail now she is afraid for her safety and her son's safety. She is afraid he will come there and hurt them. It is a cop out and it PISSES me the F&^% off. She says she cares about Zack but really, if she did would she use that as her excuse. I barely know her son but I would stand up for him against FoTB in a heartbeat. Yet here she is, using him being out as her most recent excuse for not writing it.

It also pisses me off because if she truely is afraid he is winning again. He is a coward, someone who slinks away when he is stood up to, but he rules by fear. He rules by puffing out his chest and making people think he is tough and she is letting him win. By backing down and not standing up to him she is letting him win.

I know him well enough, he will not go there. Not if she writes one statement or 100 statements. But she won't listen to me and consequently, several important items in our case may fall through the cracks. I'm going to see if we can subpoena her. It is a long shot and it certainly will not make her my bff but at this point, my son's safety is paramount and if she won't fight for it, I will.

I am not afraid of him. I lived that life for far too long.

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As for the baby news, there is really nothing to report. I assume everything is going along as it should be but I have no reassurances as to that. My first ultrasound is not for another two weeks and so until then, all I can do is hope and pray.

I started getting really sick on Friday. The doctor's office put me on a drug cocktail of Unisom and B6 vitamin. It seems to be working, although I have no idea why. Quite personally, I don't really care. If I can get through a day without feeling like I want to crawl in a hole... I'm good.

More updates to come when I have them. :-)

Where do I start?

I have been away from this place for far too long and as with most things, the longer you stay away, the harder it becomes to come back.

So much has happened in the last three weeks that I may have to bullet point it all just to keep it in some semblance of an order.

On January 6th FoTB was arrested. Or rather he turned himself in. On the 17th of November he beat up a girl he was staying with. Pushed her around in the kitchen, held her down while he screamed at her, threatened to "show her what crazy was", threatened to punch her, etc.

Unfortunately, this girl has a sorted past and that may work against her in court. I know she is not lying. Every single thing in that police report was things he did to me. Every one. I have heard every phrase, seen every action, I KNOW with every fiber of my being she is telling the truth, but it won't matter. My testimony can't be used to prove he did it. Just because he did it before, the courts say, is not proof he did it again. The courts are wrong. It absolutely is....

That next day, he was fired from his job.

He was also charges with theft. He told his dad it was for a drive off of gas. I tried to get the police report for that but they said that in that city (I have been to four different places getting police reports over the last month) the don't give out police reports for open cases.

On December 7th, he was out again. Apparently before he went in he left some money with a friend or with a bail bondsman and so that person came and got him. Less than 24 hours in jail and he was out again...

However, his freedom was short lived. On December 15th he was arrested again. This time charged with five felonies and a misdemeanor. The 2nd misdemeanor was filed on the 22nd. He stayed in jail this time on a cash only bond for 13 days. Then one of his "friends" paid a cash only bondsman somewhere between 20 - 40% of the cash amount to get him out.

He is in way over his head. I don't have friends that would pay that kind of cash to get me out. He owes some people big time and I just don't see it ending well. My guess is he becomes their drug runner and is back in jail for more serious charges within the month.

Today the papers were finalized and sent to the court for termination. I am done. This is completely unfair to Zack to continue to let this drag out. He has been through enough.

I don't know if his mom will hire him a lawyer to fight me on the termination. She knows it is coming, she understands why I am doing it, she just isn't 100% comfortable with the end result. I hope she doesn't but at the end of the day, I can't control that part. If she does, we will just deal with it.

Either way, she can't change the facts:

15 weeks since he has seen his son

14 weeks since we suspended visits

8 weeks since he has contacted us

5 weeks since I have received any child support

He has basically abandoned Zack now, I don't know what difference it will make to him if we make it official. Yet somehow, I think we will end up in court over this. Nothing can ever be easy or in Zack's best interest with him.

Oh, and to add to the madness and chaos in our house, there is also this:

4w3d - Due September 2nd

Scared out of my mind. Every twinge, every pain. Every time I pee I look at the toilet paper.

I have known far too many people who have miscarried, delivered too early, had babies that were born still. I know all too well that a positive test does not always end in a take home baby and I REALLY, REALLY want a take home baby.

So I pray, a lot. And I try to remember that I don't get to control this. I get to be along for the ride. The termination, the pregnancy, the rest of this craziness, all I can do is sit back and pray that it all goes well.

So, how are things with all of you?

Tuesday Talks

(Zack singing in the back seat) Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul....

(Insert the rest of the lyrics to this song that I don't really want to type out, sung mostly correctly and mostly in order....)

[...] I'll be back again some day!!

Wow buddy. That was a good job!! You remembered all of the words.

Yeah, that's cuz I have a rememberer in my brain and it helps me remember that stuff. But sometimes it remembers stuff I don't want it to and then they get stuck in my head. Like Who Let the Dogs Out. C was dancing to that yesterday at D's party and it got stuck in my head.

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Later that night I make the mistake of telling Jim this story. I couldn't help it. A rememberer? (yes, there is an extra er....) it was too cute not to share.

Jim: Hey Zack... Who let the dogs out?

Uggg!! DAD!!! Now that is going to be stuck in my head!!

Santa Express

On Saturday we took Zack to ride the Santa Express in Boone, Iowa.

We didn't tell him where we were going, just told him we had a surprise. He was excited, even though he had no idea where we were going.

Once we pulled into the station he about lept out of his seat when he realized we were going to ride a train.

It was raining outside all day, it turned to sleet on our way home but luckily the train cars were all enclosed and it was nice and toasty inside.

There was, of course, lots of excitement and some goofing around while we were waiting for the train to get going and when we were stopped at the "North Pole."

That's right... this train went all the way to the "North Pole." On the way they served us homeade cookies.

And hot chocolate...

And then when we got there, we got a special vistor!

Santa got on the train at the "North Pole" and handed out bells to every child. (It used to be called the Polar Express and they handed out the sleigh bells like he gets in the movie but because of copywright issues they can no longer call it the Polar Express but they still hand out the bells.

Then we all sang Christmas Carols. Jingle Bells, of course, along with several other favorites.

Overall, I think it was a very fun trip. It would have been a little better if we had gone during the day so that he could have seen out of the windows but otherwise, it was pretty good. More importantly, Zack loved it.

Speak out

This morning as I came downstairs from getting dressed I noticed that my phone had a missed call. I picked it up and dialed my voicemail. I knew it was FoTB's grandpa, I know he was probably saying thank you for sending Zack's pictures. I did not expect the message I heard.

He was sobbing. Not just crying, sobbing so hard he could not talk telling me how grateful he was that I thought of him and sent pictures and how hard this has all been on him to see FoTB fail again. To try to support him and to be screwed over once again.

Today, on Speak Out against Domestic Violence day I don't want to talk about me. I did that already, you can go and read it here and here and see pictures here if you want. Instead today I want to give a voice to the people who are forgotten. The rest of the people who were not "direct victims" of the violence but yet their lives will never be the same.

Like his grandpa and his mom, who live each day thinking that I may not let them see Zack because I in some way reflect FoTB's actions onto them. Who are sad, and scared and ashamed that they supported him and believed his lies. Who just want to see their grandson/great-grandson and don't know what to say or how to say enough times how sorry they are that they believed him.

I want to give a voice to Zack, a little boy who struggles with what he did wrong. Was I bad? Is that why daddy is so angry? Did he not want a big boy? Maybe he just wanted a baby and I got too big? Who right now is hurting and can't explain why. Who is TERRIFIED of his biological father yet is wanting him to change all at the same time. I miss him. What do you miss? I don't know. I didn't like it when he was mad and he yelled.

And so it is, the abused defending and loving the abuser, even when they know with every logical part of their brain that they shouldn't.

And to J, who wanted nothing more than a real dad, and S who wanted nothing more than a husband. They both wanted someone to care for them and they both paid the price for it. J is only 8 and yet he was hit and berated and belittled. And even after it was all done he wasn't sure he wanted to tell because he didn't want to get FoTB in trouble. And then when he decided to tell he was afraid he would come and hurt him again. He lived every single day in fear, every night having nightmares that he would come back and hurt them again.

Domestic violence has changed my life and my perspective in ways I couldn't even begin to explain. Comforts that people take for granted, I may never be able to do. But when I talk about my story I don't want to forget that there are others. That there are lots of people hurting. Family, friends, etc. People who hurt because I hurt or who hurt because they hurt, even if they weren't abused they are collateral damage.

So today, send up a prayer for every man, woman and child who has been affected by domestic violence. Every person who is struggling to feel whole and alright again that they may one day find the peace and love we all deserve.