Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's Not You... It's Me...

Life has been getting in the way of me being here lately. Life has been getting in the way of a lot. My bloglines has over 600 unread posts in it, yet I click on it and then I click away. Today my mind is with my little boy. I have two more hours until I can go pick him up and it can't go fast enough.

Today, this week, this month, my little man is struggling and it breaks my heart to see it happen.

At the risk of my ex or his family stumbling across this post, I must put this out there. My ex has no bond with my son. He was gone for the first 7 months of his life. He came back in a full father capacity for about 7 months and then he just slowly slipped out of our lives again. Ending with that final memory that Zack has of him throwing things at my head and threatening to kill me.

He doesn't want to go there and with this girlfriend thing it appears that J is wanting him there less and less. On the 9th we had to cancel the visit because of the snow storm. On the 13th, he threw a HUGE fit when he had to go to his dad's and then they cut the visit short because J had new tires to install on his car. On the 16th he had to go to some funeral visitation for a woman he didn't know who was once married to a guy he works with. On the 19th I got a text at 5:02 asking if I was on my way because he had somewhere to be. He practically shoved Zack at me as he bolted for the door. He pulled away and was gone before I even had him in his car seat. Then Wednesday he didn't take him because Zack had pink eye and he didn't want to risk getting it.

This morning was the culmination. A series of I don't want to go's followed by a couple of crying fits. I finally convinced him to go with me so he could open some presents and told him I wouldn't leave unless he told me to. He walked in and made it a point to tell daddy that he was not going to stay all day. Just for a little bit. I'm going with mommy to work. Yes, he choose work over being there. He's been to my work. It's boring. He sits on a chair and watches a movie, yet THAT is what he wanted to do.

I sat on their floor for 30 minutes of them asking him are you going to stay here? Can mommy go to work now, etc. before they finally opened a toy he was pretty interested in and he agreed that he would stay and I could go. All I've been able to think about all day is that if he cries for me they won't call. If he's upset I won't know it. 5:00 can NOT get here fast enough.

Next weekend there will be no new presents for me to entice him with. Next weekend it will be sink or swim. And as much as I want to have an opinion one way or the other I have completely taken myself out of this. J has made his own choices on the priorities in his life and now Zack is making his own choices on where he spends his time.

And me, I'm just the one who worries. Stuck in the middle. :-)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Feels Like Today

I Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away

But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...

It feels like today I know
It feels like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then
It feels like today
Feels like today

-- Rascal Flatts

Things here are a little crazy. The situation with J is becoming worse and worse. He has a new girlfriend and she is requiring most of his attention. Unfortunately that also includes the time he was spending with his son. While this doesn't affect me in the slightest, it does affect my son and I'm trying to find the best way to deal with it.

I know her name, I've seen her picture, it took all I had not to send her his printout from the Iowa Courts Online website to make sure she knew who she was really with. Then my sponsor said something to me. She has a higher power, he has a higher power, neither one is me. It is not my place to warn her. Maybe her higher power has something that he wants her to learn from this situation, maybe J's has something he needs to learn from her. Not my place to interfere in that.

It was funny to me, I really... REALLY thought seeing her picture, knowing who she was would bother me but it didn't. It didn't even phase me. Not one small, itty bitty bit. And that was my revelation moment. The moment that I knew I was finally moving forward. I am over it. I'm done and I'm happy and all that stuff that I carried around for so long is finally gone. It is a part of my life but it is no longer a part of my current life. I just get to be happy, 100% head over heals in love and happy. And I like it a lot.

Other than that, work is ramping up (which is where I've been) and Zack has pink eye so luckily Lindsay came into town a day early and was able to watch him at my parents house today. Otherwise I was going to have to stay home today. Perhaps Zack didn't get the memo, festive is ok, but your eyes being red is not festive... it's just inconvenient. :-)

If I don't make it here again before Christmas I hope you all have a WONDERFUL holiday!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thursday Thoughts

Just because it only costs $4 more dollars to order 20 more Christmas cards does not mean you actually NEED 20 more Christmas cards.

Anyone want a Christmas card? Send me your address. I have lots. About 20 to be specific. :-)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Friday Confessionals: Wednesday Edition

Ok, I've been trying to write this since last Friday but life has sort of gotten in the way. Running here, going there, it's not tax season yet but it is close enough for me to smell it. Close enough for me to be VERY stressed about it coming. Not sure why. It comes every year, it leaves every year but yet every year all of the worst things in my life tend to bombard me during that 2 1/2 months (not that Zack was a worst... he was great... he just had bad timing)

So here it is for all of you:

I am terrified that I will screw up things with M and I'm trying really hard to just let things happen as they happen but it is always in the back of my mind.

Now the rest of the story (as Paul Harvey used to say....) Two months ago Zack met M and he LOVES him. He will see the picture of the two of us on my phone and talk about him. M plays games with Zack. Last weekend he played football with Zack. M has a brother and his brother has a nephew. Every other Sunday we go over to his brother's house and while we all watch football Zack plays with M's nephew. He loves it and he asks me when we get to go again.

This terrifies me in ways I can't even explain to you. I have questioned M over and over again on this. I am so scared that I will screw this up for Zack. That he will fall in love with this man and his family and then they will leave us too.

Two weeks ago a guy in my office got married. It was a quickie thing and immediately everyone started asking me if I was next and it made all of this worse. I know exactly the things that happened in my marriage that were my fault. Several of which I have been able to avoid with M simply by the virtue of the fact that he doesn't live with me.

Them asking me that question actually made me panic a bit whole hell of a lot!! All I could think of was all of the things I have been avoiding. The controlling nature that I have that is gone. Is it gone because I'm better or because he is not with me every day? The thought of living with someone seemed to bring on way more panic. Right now I don't have to know where he is all the time or what he's doing. He doesn't live with me. Unless he's supposed to be at my house and he's not, the rest of it I can completely let go of. It is the same with money, time, chores, etc.

I'm scared that I haven't let go of all of that. That it will spring back up the moment someone moves in with me. What if I'm not better I've just let go of it because of the situation? At the end of the day I realize the the simple act of acknowledging that these thing existed means that I am in a different place than I was when I didn't even know what the problem was. And I'm also well aware of the fact that at some point in my life I will probably live with someone again and I will have to face this then, it just scares me now.

So there you have it. I'm crazy. M hates it when I say that. He says I'm not more crazy than any other woman, that we are all a little bit crazy. :-) Yet, I feel like worrying about something I can't control is nuts. Still I find it coming into my mind when I'm in the shower, in the car, at lunch, falling asleep at night, etc.

I guess this is why I still keep going to my Al-anon meetings. Because I'm not in that relationship anymore, yet I still have some of the residuals that I'm still dealing with. One day at a time, I know I'll get past this panic. I'm just glad that it doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow... or even in the next couple of months. :-)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Making Of Pizzas

First you take the dough (or in this case pre-made pillsburry buscuits) and you squish it...

Squish it...

Then you take the sauce and you spread it... spread it...

Then you take the peperoni and you eat it...

Oh wait... I mean put it on the pizzas....

Then you take the cheese and you top them... top them...

Then you take the pizzas and you bake them... bake them....

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Blizzard or Tornado

I forget, was it a blizzard outside or a tornado inside?

This is what happens when I attempt to do some work, even for a few minutes. Check your work e-mail... ha!! I'll teach you to ignore me!!

Trying to Find My Road....

Oh wait... I think if you squint you might be able to see it....

608 Closings/Delays through out the state.
My office is closed for the first time in the seven years I've been there.
The malls are closed.
The interstates are closed.
Guess it's a good day to stay home!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tuesday Talks

I need to wear my snow boots today mommy because it snowed outside.


Maybe I can play outside in the snow at daycare.

I don't know if they will let you play outside, it's kind of cold today.

The snow is not cold!!

Yes it is.

No it is not!!

Oh yes it is!

Oh no it is NOT Mommy!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Christmas Card Photo Shoot

On Friday Miss Katie came over and took a few pictures of Zack and I for our Christmas Card. They turned out wonderful and I had a hard time choosing so there will be four pictures of us on the card this year!! :-)

I forgot to save a picture of the card before I ordered it, so you will have to see the finished product a little later, but here are the five pictures that Katie sent me from our photo shoot.

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Notebook

As most of you know we are, at the moment, DHS involved. I have been reluctant to discuss any details of this on the old blog because of J's family still reading and even now I'm reluctant in case they find me but I will give you a brief update. The more detailed info I am still saving for Through the Looking Glass, just in case.

Basically, in my opinion, he is clean, he is not sober. To me being sober means working a program, getting right with yourself and trying to better your life. It feels very much to me like J is standing still, not moving forward. DHS and I both feel like it is just a matter of time before he relapses. I'm not sure how I feel about this at all. Zack loves his daddy. But I very much feel like it is a love for a big brother or a older friend, not a daddy. If you know me in real life you will know that this is not a slam, it is just that J was gone for the first 7 months of his life then back for a few than basically non-existent as a care giver for the last 18 months. Zack doesn't know him in that capacity.

For that reason, I waited 5 months to introduce him to M. I waited for a reason and that reason is that Zack LOVES him. He's only hung out with him a few times but he talks about him and wants to see him more. M to him is a man with mommy who holds that daddy capacity more than he has ever seen J hold. Again, not a slam, just a fact.

So, as we are DHS involved we have to do some things that normal parents trying to co-parent do not. Like I said, J is clean, but not sober. So he shows up. He does what he has to but his desire for extra time with Zack seems to be limited. His desire to better himself and do everything within his power to get extra time with Zack is also not there. Again, not going to put a lot of it here in case this site is found but it will go Through the Looking Glass this weekend.

Anyhow, because of all of this we now have to pass a notebook back and forth. A notebook which was supposed to be a way for us to communicate better about Zack. The point of it was lost on J and his mom. Somewhere in translation they thought that it meant that they were to write down everything that Zack does in an effort to jump through some proverbial hoop and gain more access to him. A thing that it seems like his mom is fighting for more than him.

This notebook is a big point of contention with me. I'm angry about it, as I am about a lot of things I have to do for DHS. I LOVE our DHS worker and the Children & Families in home counselor that we have. It is not them at all. It's just the general idea that I have to write in a notebook how he is supposed to parent our child. All of the things a parent should know but he claims he doesn't.

The reason we have this notebook is because he said he's never raised a two year old before and so he doesn't know what to do. Guess what, I've never done it either. But if there is something I want to know I read about it, I ask about it, I find any and all resources to use that I can. When Zack started having aggression problems I didn't just throw up my hands and say I've never done this before, I don't know what to do. I started researching it, I reached out to DHS and C&F, I started calling counselors, I did what I needed to do to try to find answers.

Somewhere in all of this it appears as if he and his mom have gotten it in their head that it is their right to parent Zack. That because he donated sperm he should be allowed to see him. Nothing I have said, or nothing DHS has said has ever made them realize that with two founded DHS convictions and one criminal child endangerment conviction he should be damn lucky that he gets to see him at all. But say that to them and they get offended.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to update you on what is going on and give you a little insight into what I'm dealing with. It is hard and it makes me angry a lot. There are days where I take it one moment at a time and keep reminding myself that even if he is never truly a dad, Zack will be better for at least having some sort of relationship with him as long as it is healthy.

And right now it is. He just hangs out with his grandma and daddy and plays. He is in no physical danger, it's just the best parenting decisions may not always be made.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Lost Cause

A week ago Sunday I went to try to find a pair of underwear for Zack only to discover that the poor child had no underwear. Not like an old ratty pair that I could put him in, no... none. Zero, zip, zilch.

In my defense, I had just had surgery a little over a week previously and was unsure I could carry the laundry basket up the stairs so I had been waiting. However, I guess I didn't realize the dire straights we were in. So, that's easy. I own a washing machine and a dryer, I would just do a few loads.

I would send Zack to bed commando (which he totally thought was the coolest thing ever) and set about washing the clothes. The first thing on my list was the bathroom rugs. Oh, did I forget to mention the whole reason the underwear situation was discovered in the first place was that while using the potty, he missed. Dousing the rugs, his clothes and his legs. Isn't having little boys fun?

So, the rugs had been washing while we were eating dinner. After dinner I put Zack in the bath and then before I took him upstairs I decided to switch the laundry. To give you a visual, my three year old is standing in our kitchen in nothing but a towel and I am switching laundry.

I went to turn the knob to set the time it came off in my hand. Like so....
No big deal I figured, three year old still buck naked in the kitchen, I will just get a pair of pliers and turn the nob. So I do, I get my pliers and I set about turning and then I try to pull. I turn and I pull and I turn and I pull and nothing happens. The dryer will NOT turn on.

At this point I'm panicking a bit. Zack has shed his towel and is now running around buck naked and I call my mom. What do I do? I'm turning the knob and pulling but the dryer won't turn on. Is there a trick? She tells me she doesn't know but that if I wash a pair of his underwear they will surely be dry by morning so at least there is that.

So I hang up with her and continue with the turning and the panicking. I text M. FML... Ugg... give him the reader's digest version of what is happening all the while still turning the knob with my handy pliers and trying to pull out to turn the dryer on. Nothing. I check the knob for little hidden switches, I consider super gluing the plastic back together so the knob will work, I hold it up to the dryer to make sure I'm turning the knob to the correct position all of it to no avail.

By this point it has been a good 20 minutes. Zack is, of course, loving his opportunity to pretend to be part of a nudist colony and also the extra time to stay up past bed time. I, on the other hand am still panicking when I stop, take a deep breath and step back from the dryer.

It is at this point that it dawns on me....
No amount of pulling on that knob is ever going to get my dryer to turn on, but turning the button that says turn to start might just do the trick.

Ummm... yeah... can we say blond moment. So come on, spill, I can't be the only one who has done something really stupid like this. What is your uhh... duh moment?


Sorry to disappear on you like that. I know what you're thinking, she moves the blog, posts for a bit and then runs away again. It's not that, really. One of the children in my son's daycare class or possibly one of the many people that I bumped into in the cesspool of germs that we call black Friday shopping gave me a cold. And now... my head is all fuzzy.

Last night was the first time all week I was semi conscious after 8:00 and it was spent paying bills because let's face it, I love you all but a girl has to pay the house payment.

So here I am, once again trying to play catchup. I'm going to put up 4 - 6 posts and schedule them for today, tomorrow and this weekend. (Because really, you don't want to read them all at once, I don't claim for even one moment to be that interesting.)

Oh, and as a quick side note, I would like to thank all of you who took the time to e-mail me or leave me comments and follow me over here. It means a lot to me. I spent a good period of time debating on moving the blog because I wasn't sure who would come with me. Also, it was wonderful to hear the stories of how some of you found me and why you keep coming back. Hopefully I won't disappoint....

Well, let the writing begin.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Random Friday Thoughts

  • This Morning I got up at 4:00 and braved the crowds with Danette to find great holiday deals.
  • I bought more DVD's than I needed
  • I own WAY too many DVD's
  • I did manage to get my mom and dad done and most of what I wanted for Zack
  • We hit three Target stores, Toys R Us, Kohls, MC Sports, a Christian Book Store, Wal-mart and the Bass Pro Shop (which is really cool for any of you that live in this area) and still managed to be done by 10:00
  • After shopping I headed in to work
  • With all that has happened to me this year I only have about 8 hours of personal time left from now until June 15 of next year
  • I really think that the day after Thanksgiving should just be another holiday
  • There are only 5 of us in the office
  • I am hoping that the one Shareholder who is here will send us home early
  • I'm not holding my breath for this
  • Tonight I am supposed to have my meeting
  • I'm skipping it in favor of hanging out with Zack in our PJ's and watching movies
  • I bought him some new Buzz Lightyear PJ's to replace the ones he INSISTS on wearing that are too small
  • I think he will be excited and I'm excited to hang out with him
  • Because I am excited to hang out with him my child will cry when I pick him up
  • It is the law of nature
  • Hoping all my friends in the computer and in real life have a wonderful weekend

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day!!

Happy Turkey Day from Our House to Yours!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Mom, who was that?

What do you mean?

Who was that that texted you?

It was Mr. M.

Don't text him mom!!

Why not? I can't text Mr M?


But he's my friend.


Why can't I text him?

Because he's MY Mr. M!!

{{trying to stifle belly laugh}} He is? Can't he be mommy's friend too?

No, he's my Mr. M. Well... he can be your friend and he can be my friend. But he's my Mr. M.

Apparently I now have to share......

Different Life

I am struck frequently by how different my life is now vs. where it was. Throughout the journey of the last year I have often had people ask me why I look back. Why don't I just let it go and move forward. And the truth is, if it was that simple I would do it. It is often, in fact most of the time, not a conscious choice to look back to where I was.

Usually I am going about my daily life and I will be struck by something. A slap upside the head of where I have been and where I am still going. For the most part I have now learned that M is not J. Nothing he has ever done and nothing he has ever said has lead me to believe that there are any similarities there aside from the fact that they both do, in fact, possess male genitalia.

Yet, every once and awhile he will say something that will strike me wrong. At first I reacted to those things. I would say something or do something and he would have to reassure me that he was different, that my life was different. When we were about four months into our relationship there was an e-mail conversation we had about this. I alluded to it here but wasn't comfortable at the time giving details.

The basis of that e-mail was an exchange between M and I about where our relationship was going. We had been dating for four months and were still basically like a new couple. We saw each other once a week, we never talked on the phone, and on any given day I had pretty much no idea how he spent his time. I knew I was starting to fall for him, despite all of this, and I sort of wanted to know how he felt about it.

During that exchange he said this to me:

I wondered if you were simply excited because I wasn't J. I didn't yell at you, cut you down, throw things at you and on and on. Really, I don't want that to be the basis of why you're with me. Because I don't do these things should not be flattering or impressive to either of us.

I knew that I should have known this, that he should have known this. And the fact that I was unable to convey to him that I did not like him simply because he was not my ex husband made me realize pretty quickly that I had to change some things in my life.

Two months later, M is VERY well aware that the reasons I like him have nothing to do with him not being J. I like him because he is him, I appreciate a lot of what he does for me so much more because of where I have come from. I think this much I have finally made clear to him.

But sometimes those things still sneak in. The other night we were texting and he said something to me that triggered that response. The difference is now I know it. I recognize it and I can also stay quiet long enough to sort through why I'm reacting the way I do. When he finally asked where I had gone this was my response:

The difference between me and several of the other women you've dated that you thought were crazy is not the lack of crazy thoughts or neurosis, it is my ability to keep my mouth shut.

I'm not sure he got it, I'm still not sure he does, but I do. I understand that I am saving my relationship by no longer setting him up to fail. I found this song this weekend, while going through old posts and moving the blog. This song was my life. The lyrics are what ran through my head over and over again when J was out using but the way she sings it, as if she has been there too, as if she fully understands, are what make this song great.

When I heard this song again this weekend it was one of those moments. A time when my breath caught in my chest and my heart sank. I was transported back to sitting on the couch, rocking back in forth in bed and praying that the phone would ring. A time in my life when I was trapped in my own personal hell.

Yesterday M and I were texting during the day and he said he would call me when he got off work. He was off work at 9:00 and at 9:05 my phone rang.

I need to remember today and every day to be grateful for where my life is now. To know that M is wonderful and perfect just as he is and that he has never been and will never be anything that J was.

Sometimes I just have to look a back a bit and remember so I can truly be appreciative of all I have now.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tuesday Talks

We're in the living room. He is playing with his toys. Suddenly he just looks up at me and starts to sing:

Can we build it? Yes we can! Bob the Builder!

Glad to know he got my ability to have random songs running through his head.


Then the man put on his gloves and his helmet and he went in and got that other man out of the fire.

I don't have a helmet.

You need to buy me one.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.


I'm trying to get him into the bathtub and he begins to whine. My back hurts, my leg hurts, I don't want to take a bath. I get him in and turn on the water and he continues with the whining. Finally, I look at him and I just start to whine back.

At first there is confusion, then he begins to giggle. A little at first then a full belly laugh.

It goes on like this for the entire bath. He giggles, he looks at me, I make some loud obnoxious noise at him and spray him with water and then he giggles some more.

The joy of this situation is not lost on me. What could have been a power struggle, has now been turned into a game that both of us are enjoying.

A year ago it would have been hold it down, I'm trying to hear the TV. Today it was all laughter and joy. Every day in our house now is as much laughter and joy as we can pack into every moment.


Head on over to Weebles Wobblog and share your Perfect Moment

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Honest Mistake

Union officials said that since the new dispatch system -- the Unified Call Taking System -- went on line on May 9, barely trained call-takers have been making lots of mistakes.

On Aug. 18 sending Ladder 28 in Manhattan to a water leak that turned out
to be a pregnant woman whose water broke

Why Unwritten

The title of this blog comes from a post I did right before the divorce was final. It is a Natasha Bedingfield song and it spoke to me.

When I had my divorce party Miss Katie took the words from that song and put them on a picture of Zack and me and from that point on it kind of just stuck.

I feel like I am starting over. I am writing my story with every single today and tomorrow. For me, that is a very powerful message. That I am not what I was, that I don't have to continue to live in that shadow. Instead, today is where my book begins.

The rest is still Unwritten.

Friday, November 20, 2009

6 Months

Today marks six months since I met M. Our first date was on May 20th. I'm hesitant to call it an anniversary. I mean it sort of is but every time I think of a six month anniversary all that comes into my head is teenagers. It doesn't seem like quite the grown up way to put it but I'm not sure how else to say it.

Just like what he is. For all intents and purposes M is my boyfriend. I can't say that term without instantly feeling like I'm back in high school again. I don't know why. Something about having been married and quickly closing in on the age of thirty just makes me feel ridiculous telling someone I have a boyfriend. So instead, any time I refer to M I usually just call him M, if people know who I'm talking about, or I call him the guy I'm dating. It's a mouth full but it doesn't give me that weird feeling.

N-E-Way... Where was I? Oh yes, six months. Last night I got him a card and I wrote him a four page letter and I'm pretty sure embarrassed the heck out of both of us. But what can I say, that is who I am. Either way, I'm not sure what to say about all of it here other than the fact that it is.

I owe you guys a bit of details about us and all of that will come in time as this new blog gets up and running and I can shed some of the veil of secrecy I've been living under for the last year. Let's just say for now that the man is amazing and wonderful and everything that I ever hoped for but never, ever in my wildest dreams thought I could have.

Here's your example, on Friday he got up at 4:30 in the morning to be at my house by 5:30 and drive me two hours to IA City for my surgery. He is not a morning person. 9:00 is early in his world. Most days WAY too early.

He sat with me and calmed my fears before the surgery, he sat in the waiting room for SEVERAL hours during the surgery and my recovery. A waiting room that I have been told was overly pack and overly heated.

He then came back and helped me get dressed as I was all loopy, helped me to my car, and proceeded to drive me the two hours back home with me semi conscious, semi talking the whole way. After we got back into town he took me to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and then made sure he ordered a pizza so I ate something. Once at my house he got me the medicines, helped me into bed and then set his alarm for ever four hours round the clock so he could get up with me and get me the correct doses as well as help me down the stairs.

M was supposed to go to work at 8:00 on Saturday and he was at my house until 2:00. He pre-approved being gone with his boss and instead of rushing off stayed with me to make sure I was feeling alright, took me out to lunch to make sure I ate something, and then called me when his shift was over to make sure I didn't need him to come back. (He wasn't heartbroken that I told him he didn't have to come back and do the every four hour thing with me again.)

That, in a nutshell, is M. Every day of every week of every month I have known him. We have had some disagreements, we have had some moments were we have both had to step back for a bit but at the end of the day he is kind and loving and treats me like I am a queen.

He is everything that my dad would want his little girl's man to be and I have NO idea how I got lucky enough to find him.

Today I am thankful for the last six months I have had with him. For the endless moments of laughter, even last night when I told him he had to stop before I busted a stitch. For the joy he has brought to my life. For the perspective and the ability to get myself out of my box.

Today I am grateful that he has helped me to see that life is not about what I can put up with or how much I can live through. It is about what I have to live FOR.....

Welcome to my new space people...

I am back.....

Monday, November 16, 2009

Casual Observations

My mom is changing my bandage. Zack is watching. She pulls off the bandage....

Ahhh.... man!!!!

I guess that's one way to put it kid.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Just on my way home now. Pretty out of it from the meds but other than that so far so good.

They said they got all of it out so it shouldn't grow back. According to M they said the scar is abt three inches longer than before. So I'm guessing about six inches.

I'll update more once I'm feeling a bit better.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

So Friday it is....

On Monday I had my appointment with the specialist in Iowa City. I saw the orthopedic doctor on November 2nd to go over the CT results and he had confirmed that he still thought it was an osteochondroma and he still wanted to refer me to Iowa City.

Since it had taken a month and a half to see him the first time and 10 days to get back to see him the second time I was fairly surprised when they called me first thing Wednesday morning and told me that I had an appointment at 8:45 on Monday.

So... bright and early Monday morning my mom, Zack and I all loaded into the car and made the drive to Iowa City. While my appointment was at 8:45 it was close to 9:00 before I finished with the survey they make you fill out and after 10:00 before the doctor came in to see me.

He looked at the X-ray and the CT and told me that he concurred that it was an osteochondroma and that the only way to help with my pain would be for me to have surgery and remove the tumor. Because of where it is and what it is arthroscopic surgery was not an option so they will use my existing scar and then lengthen it a bit.

They will have to cut a few of the tendons that hold the muscles in place so they can lift up my shoulder blade and get the full tumor out. This should insure that it will not grow back again.

Any questions?

Nope... pretty much what I expected.

So... how does Friday work for you?

Like THIS Friday? As in 4 days from now??

So... Friday it is......

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear Daddy!

Happy Birthday to you!!

Feeling Grateful

**Link Fixed**

This story makes me more grateful for my life than I could ever explain.

Let's Hope We Don't Have to do THAT Again Anytime Soon!!

Yesterday I sent Zack back to daycare. It was the first time he had been back in a week. One solid week of moaning and crying and coughing and refusing to eat and crying and coughing and whining and oh... did I mention there was some moaning and crying with a side of whining??

Somewhere in the back of my mind I had myself convinced that because he was almost three and SOO active that he would just bounce right back from this. I thought I would take off Tuesday for the surgery, Wednesday to let him sleep a bit and by Thursday he would be playing at my parents house.


No such luck. Wednesday he laid in a chair in our living room all day coughing and moaning and crying. I finally got him to lay down for a nap about 1:00 and he slept for 3 1/2 almost 4 hours. There was NO food intake and I was forcing him to drink by putting water into a syringe and squirting it into his mouth.

So, I took Thursday off of work and stayed home with him again. He was a bit better, although not by much. He acted like I was trying to kill him when I made him drink a bit of broth from chicken noodle soup. But amazingly he was just fine when he wanted to eat part of a Hershey's bar.

Friday I took him to my parents house. My mom finally got him to eat part of a donut on Friday morning but that was it. All he ate all day and there was a 3 1/2 hour nap in there too.

Saturday was much of the same except when he woke up about 6:30 on Saturday night he wanted pizza. Knowing that it would probably hurt his throat if it was too hard I opted for the softest pizza I could find and he ate half a piece before lying back in the chair to commence with the moaning and the coughing.

Sunday he was back to not eating anything and he also spiked a low grade fever. By Sunday evening I was pretty sure he was just going to become anorexic on me and that would be that. M came over and I'm not sure what we were talking about but at one point we mentioned something and all of the sudden Zack looked over and said, "I want a cheeseburger."

So, M went and got cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets and Zack sat down and ate 4 chicken nuggets and some french fries.

Monday I kept him home just to give him one more day to recover and he seemed to be doing fairly well so yesterday back to daycare he went.

I think last night was the first night he was finally mostly back to himself. He ate some spaghetti and passed out at 7:00. It was 7:00 this morning before I heard a peep out of him. Considering we have been up at least once to 10 times every night with him coughing and crying and carrying on, I actually had to check to make sure he was still breathing when I woke up at 6:15 and realized he hadn't been up.

Today the daycare called at 10:00 and said he was having a rough morning. Crying and saying it hurt. I told them not to make him eat if he didn't want to and to call me if he didn't settle down. They haven't called back yet.

I'm hoping that things are starting to get better. This has been a REALLY long week and it only will get longer by this weekend (another post... it's coming I promise).

Note to self, when the doctors say it could be 7 - 10 days before your child feels well again, they aren't kidding. It's just a good thing he only has one set of tonsils because I would not be volunteering to do that again ANY time soon!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Brave Little Guy

We reported to the surgery center at 7:30 am

We then sat in the room for an hour and a half.

He changed into the outfit they gave him.
But kept looking at me like why are they making me wear this silly looking thing?

Finally it was his turn and he walked away like it was no big deal.
"You are the first one I've had all day who has walked back here on their own."

20 minutes later the doctor came out to talk to us.

30 minutes after that they let us go back and see him.

2 hours later we got to head home.

He slept in the car but wanted chocolate pudding as soon as we got home.

Then it was movie time.
He ate ice cream and two popsicles before he took a nap.

After he woke up he ate applesause and half of a nutrigrain bar.
By 7:30 it was bedtime and mom thought we were doing pretty well.

Sometime about 1:15 it all took a turn for the worse.

He was up every hour from 1:15 to 6:00. He would cough and then cry and then hack.

Finally at 6:00 I gave him another dose of medicine and he slept until 8:45.

Today has been bad.

He coughs and then whines like a wounded animal.

I know that this too shall pass but it is REALLY hard to watch.

He won't eat anything today so I'm just trying to push the fluids.

Hoping that tonight will be better than last night.

And tomorrow better than today.

WW: Cutest Farmer I Know

Happy Halloween... a few days late!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

One Surgery Down

At 7:30 this morning we walked into the surgery center not sure if we were going to be able to have his surgery or not. As it turns out, while his cold was bad his lungs were clear so surgery was on.

It was almost 9:00 before they took him back and about 9:45 before we got to see him. When the doctor came out to see us he was shaking his head still commenting on the size of his tonsils. He said that when they went to put in his breathing tube the anesthesiologists comment was, "How does he breathe with these in his throat."

So, now they are out. Along with his adenoids and his ear tubes.

He was pretty angry for the first two hours and then fell asleep in the car on the way home. As soon as I turned off the car his first words to me were I want pudding. So chocolate pudding it was.

Now we are sitting around, eating ice cream and watching movies. His next dose of medicine is in 10 minutes and I'm hoping after that I can get him to sleep for a little while.

However, he has, once again amazed me in his ability to bounce back from this. This kid is tough.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Medical Marvels

Apparently Zack and I are just a plethora of medical mysteries this month. I'll catch you up on the highlights because that really is all I have the energy for considering on top of everything else Zack decided to get a cold last night and was up no less than 5 times. Add in one time for the dogs and you've got one tired mommy.


First up: Zack

Tomorrow he is getting his tonsils out. The comments from the doctors we have seen recently have included but are not limited to:

Wow... those are impressive and I do this for a living.

Can he breathe with his mouth closed?

Does he snore? (Yes, frequently and VERY loudly)

Does he have trouble swallowing solid food? (He's 38.5 inches tall and weighs 38 pounds does it look like he has trouble?)

So... tomorrow it is. We have to be there at 7:30 in the morning but I'm guessing they won't start surgery until 8:00 or so. My guess is by 10:00 my son will be VERY angry with me. :-(

On the upside we stocked up on Popsicles, ice cream, and chocolate pudding so with any luck I should be back in his good graces by noon.

Next up: Fred (aka... the mass on my shoulder)

I had my second appointment today with the orthopedic doctor. His consensus is that it is a bone tumor. Most likely an osteocondroma which is non-cancerous but they won't know 100% until it is removed.

The CT scan showed a mass about the size of an egg that is rubbing up against my chest wall. So, bone on bone is why I am having so much pain.

My appointment was at 4:15 today and at 4:55 I was FINALLY shown back to the exam room. On the upside I was done and on my way home by 5:05 but still.... little ridiculous on the wait time.

Since it was after five the IA City doctor's office was closed so they will have to call me tomorrow to schedule the appointment. I would guess it will be another two to four weeks of waiting. Such is my life.

So how about you? Any weird medical mysteries going on in your life? Or how about tonsil surgery stories? About how the mom was all worried about sending her baby off into surgery but all went perfectly fine and he was way better after it was over? I would very much like to hear one of those.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Duh Mom!!

I'm in the kitchen when I hear a crash. I turn around and he does it again. He hits the ball off the T and then throws the bat across the room.

"Zack what are you doing?"

"You throw the bat when you run Mom!!"

Remember when you were little and your mom would say we just can't have nice things!! I get it now.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

We Shall Call Him Fred

About 11 years ago I had a pain in my shoulder. It started as just a small pain and moved into a holy crap what did I do to my shoulder pain. As is so often the case when you have something hurting your first instinct is to rub it and try to make it feel better. So rub away I did and much to my surprise while trying to rub my shoulder one day my hand grazed over a bump.

Of course at the age of eighteen the first thought to cross my mind was oh my god I have a tumor!!

"It's not a tumor!!"

Except of course, when it is. A non-cancerous bone tumor (osteochondroma) to be exact. Basically a mass of bone and tissue residing on my shoulder blade. (Scapula... this will be important in a minute... wait for it)

So, of course I rush my ass to a doctor who proceeds to tell me that it will not kill me, phew, but it will continue to cause me discomfort unless they remove it. By this point the pain in my shoulder had gotten worse and there were now random shooting pains going down my arm. So, surgery it was.

During Christmas break of my freshman year of collage I had surgery to remove the osteochondroma on my scapula. (See... told you... it makes it sound WAY cooler when I use it that way doesn't it?)

When the doctor came to see me after the surgery he broke the news to us about the placement of this particular tumor. See part of the tumor was sticking out where he could see it (and I could feel it) but part of it was under my shoulder blade. Taking the part out under my shoulder blade, because of the location, turned my surgery from a minor surgery into a major surgery. So he left that part in in the hopes that it would just sort of hang out there.

Unfortunately, my tumor had other plans. Like a starfish when you cut off one of its "arms", the tumor grew back bigger, badder and with avengence. I believe it was about two years later when I first noticed it sticking back out. At that point in time I went to a different doctor who gave me the same spiel about minor to major surgery, throwing in this additional gem:

There is a 10% chance of collapsing your lung if we take off the whole tumor.

Never mind. It's not bothering me that bad. We'll just leave it in place. I kind of like it. Maybe we shall name it Fred.

And so it stayed. For the last 9 years it has been there, just hanging out on my shoulder. Only causing me minor annoyances every once and awhile until about 2 months ago. That is the point at which Fred got REALLY angry. It started out subtly enough. My pinky finger and my ring finger would just randomly go to sleep. Annoying, yes. Life threatening, not really. I would just shake my hand and move on with my day.

Believing that I was not taking him seriously enough Fred ramped up the signals. August 23rd I woke up and it felt like someone had stuck a skewer through the front of my shoulder and it was coming right out the back. Add to that a shooting pain from my shoulder all the way up the back of my head and point taken... hello Fred.

So, I called around and found a new doctor. They couldn't get me in until October 21st which meant I just had to wait it out. The stabbing pain lasted about two weeks and if I move wrong the shooting pain up my head is still there. And as I type this, I am loosing a bit of feeling in my pinky. Feels kind of funny, like a parlor trick.

Anyhow, last week my appointment with the great doctor arrived. I was escorted to my room, xRays were taken and then the doctor came in. He did a brief overview and then invited me out to view my xRays.

That right there is your mass. (God I'm glad we pay him the big bucks!!)

(It's the size of an Easter egg in case your curious.)

And because of where it is located, I don't do that. And no one in my practice does that. So we will need to send you to a specialist in IA City.

All I can say is it's a good thing that I'd already had half of this thing removed once and I was pretty sure what it was. Because I can tell you right now that if I didn't know, I would have freaked out right then and there. He was throwing around terms like musculo-skeletal tumor in your chest cavity and abnormal x-Ray and he immediately ordered a CT scan to get a better look at size and consistency.

The next day, bright and early I had a CT scan to get some good pictures and then Monday I go back to this doctor again for a quick look at the CT. Then, it's off to IA City. At the end of the day the problem is not WHAT the tumor is, it is WHERE the tumor is. It is growing on the underside of my scapula into my chest as opposed to on the outside. So taking it off poses some concerns as far as... oh I don't know... leaving my lungs inflated.

So there you have it. I'm just one giant medical anomaly. Maybe they'll let me keep it in a jar when they take it off. Hey, I have to at least get something good out of this don't I??

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tuesday Talks

He belches and the look on his face is priceless.

"I just got sick a little bit in my mouth."

"Did it taste yucky?"

"No, it was chicken."


We are almost done with dinner at BK and he starts taking his coat off.

"Why don't you leave your coat on, we are going to be leaving soon."

"But it's warm in here. So I can take it off and then you can put it on when we leave in a little bit."

How do you argue with logic like that?


Upon inspecting his less than exciting plastic toy from BK

"What does it do?"

"Nothing I think it's just a plastic toy."

Looks at it bewildered...

"I think maybe someone broke it while I was at daycare."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tuesday Talks

Mommy my cows are going to eat you cuz they are hungry.

They are?

Yeah, they are sad cuz they don't have any food.

Well that is no good.
(A few minutes pass... he is quiet in the back seat....)

Mommy... I don't want you to be eat.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Who's Yours?

At 3:00 today Garth Brooks is supposed to make a special announcement regarding possibly coming out of retirement.

The speculation is that he will be at the Wynn Resort for 16 weeks.

I NEED to be at one of those shows.

Garth is my see again before I die performer. When I was younger I had posters of him all over my room. I own every CD he has put out (except for that one where he tried to be someone else... because really... that was just bad). I know all the words to all of his songs and I have never heard a song I don't like.

I do not care what it costs, if the man is coming out of retirement I need to find a way to get to one of his shows. Any of you got any connections for tickets for me??

So, who is your I would sell my first born child to see them person??

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Message from the Beach

The view from the bed in which I have been sleeping the last two nights:

Need I say more??

Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday Madness

This weekend I tried to pretend I was 21. I didn't really do 21 as I was too busy being too busy to go out. So I tried it...

I failed miserably...

People, I need my sleep. This 4 - 5 hours a night is for the birds.

However, with that said, I had a great weekend. I finally got to meet some of M's friends and family and I had a great time celebrating a birthday with them.

Zack and I got to hang out and spend some good Mommy and Zacky time yesterday and in three days... THREE days... how did that happen?? I will be leaving for Tybee Island.

If you live in Savannah or around Savannah and you want to meet up this weekend send me a message. We don't have anything planned on Saturday or Sunday during the day and I would love to have a blogger friend meeting. :-)

Well, three days to get about 7 days worth of work done. So best get to it!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

And Exhale...

For the first time in MANY... MANY... months I just feel calm. M and I have had a couple of really good talks about where we see things going for us.

Zack had a really good day at daycare on Friday making me hopeful that this phase might be coming to a quick end.

Things in life are exactly as I have always wanted them to be.... peaceful.

Life is good.... :-)

Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday Confessionals

I just wrote one of the longest e-mails I've ever written. It took me a week to write and proofread.

I just received one of the longest replies to an e-mail I've ever received.

It made me cry.

Yet I couldn't be happier than if Ed McMahon had just knocked on my door and told me I was the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Life is good.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Tuesday Talks

Zacky, did you pull someones hair today?

No, A pulled my hair like this. (He demonstrates.)

Well that was not very nice of A to pull your hair. Did you pull her hair back?

No I didn't.

Well your teacher told me you did. How do you think it makes A feel if you pull her hair? Do you think it makes her sad?

She didn't cry.


I get the feeling that my too smart for his own good two year old may be testing to see what he can, and can not get away with. If I do this... what happens? If she doesn't cry is it still bad?

At the same time, some of the behaviors that were in the notebook yesterday are concerning. Sitting next to a child and hitting them, unprovoked. Squishing a child between a table and the wall (repeatedly). Throwing toys at the wall, for no apparent reason.

All things I don't see at home but again, I don't have other kids at home. He has an extensive vocabulary. (As you can see from the conversation.) He can talk, he can tell people what he wants so I don't understand why he would feel the need to use violence to communicate.

I put him to bed early last night and I read him a couple extra stories. I'm trying to change things in our routine to see if anything could be triggering this. At the end of the day I think it presents more of a problem for me than for him. I want the world to see the sweet, loving child I have at home. Not the one that acts out at daycare. It might just be a stage but I don't have to like it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thursday Thoughts

If the kid inherits my fashion sense is he doomed to a life of purple hats and green boots??

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

WW: Boots - They Go With Anything

(Someday he will tell his therapist about this.... probably right before I give it to his best friend to put in the senior video!! :-)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Tuesday Talks

"Zack how old are you?"


"You are not four... how old are you?"


'Yes you are. And how old is Mommy?'


Gee thanks kid.....

Monday, September 7, 2009


I have been hearing the same thing come out of people's mouths lately:

You look different. What has changed? You look happier.

I was asked this on Friday and again tonight and have been asked it several times in the past few weeks so tonight I went and looked back.

I was wondering, did I look that bad back then?
I can tell you that until I looked at the pictures I would have told you people were crazy. Then I looked. On my face I see stress and tired. My face is smiling but my eyes are not.

Then I pulled out this picture that was taken at the fair this year and I realized that it's not really that I looked that bad back then. It's just that I'm looking much better now.
Either way... I'm glad that I look happy.

I feel happy.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Thursday Thoughts

Unsettled. That is the one word to describe me lately. I'm feeling very unsettled. My Children & Families lady is actually the one who pointed it out. Gave a name to a feeling I've been trying to put a finger on for a couple of weeks.

For so very long my life has been one crisis after another and now... well now it's not. Things in my life are calm for the first time in several years and I'm finding myself not sure how to adjust. For awhile I was still on edge. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it doesn't seem to be happening.

Last week Jake got the last of his things out of my garage and my space officially became my space again. This week he is working on getting his portion of the debts out of my name. When that is done the air will clear and life will just begin to be life again.

And while in my head all I have been wishing for is a normal quiet life I find myself crawling out of my skin now that I have been given it. Is this what normal people do?

Believe me when I tell you, I am THRILLED to have this life. I am sleeping again. Did I mention that? Sleep... oh how I have missed you.... I'm just in unfamiliar territory. Unsure what it is that "normal" people do. Is it really as easy as working, coming home, relaxing and going to work again the next day? That seems far to calm compared to what I am used to.

So I ask you, dear Internet readers, what do you do all day? Do you find yourself feeling unsettled with the boring and mundane of your life or are you happy for the peaceful rhythm of the familiar? Is it really this easy and this calm for "normal" people or am I missing something that will come and whack me upside the head later??

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tuesday Talks

We are in the bathroom. He's on the big potty with no potty ring so I am squatting in front of him making sure that he doesn't go "splash."

His face is very solemn and serious. This is serious work after all. Then he opens his mouth to speak.

"You want to see my poop?"

"No".... **snort, giggle.... huge laughter.....** "No, I do not."

"Why? I want to see my poop!!"

It was at this point that I had to sit down. I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. It wasn't necessarily the nature of the question it was the dire seriousness with which he asked it.

This kid cracks me up.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Sleep is for the Weak

For the first time in about three weeks I actually slept last night.

Which means that today I am more tired than I have been in three weeks.

Why is that? When you actually get good sleep your body suddenly remembers... hey... here's how tired you REALLY were... can we go back to sleep again?

It's nice to finally be coming to a place where I feel like I can breathe again and my brain can stop spinning 24/7. Now if I could just get caught up on my sleep all would be well.

Happy Monday everyone... is it nap time yet?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The View From Here

The weekend was good. A meeting on Friday and dinner with good friends. Saturday I got to see my little sister after far too long and she is looking good. All her tubes and drains are out and the function in her arm is slowly starting to come back.

Today a family reunion and then just lying in bed watching Ratatouille (with the Rat Mommy) with the best little man a girl could ask for. Right now I am listening to him breathe over the monitor and getting ready for an early night myself.

Things here are calm and serene. As peaceful as the sunset I just watched out my back door. Exactly the way I prefer my life to be.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Confessionals

Jake came last night to start moving his things out of our garage.

There is a large part of me that still can't believe that this is REALLY happening. I keep thinking someone is going to jump out of the bushes with a hidden camera and yell just kidding!! You really thought you could get rid of him??

I know that sounds mean and I don't intend for it to but here is the best way I could describe it to M last night. (And this sounds just as cryptic...)

Let's say you go out and you adopt a puppy. It is a very cute puppy and you think you will bring it home and house train it and love it forever. Only as this puppy starts to grow it gets big and mean and now you have a big mean dog that messes up your house and bites you.

So, you try to give it back to the breeder. Only they don't want the problem at their house. Their house is clean and mess free and without all the headaches that come from frequent visits to the court house because the dog has bitten yet another person.

So they give you a guilt trip about how you took on the responsibility of the dog and it can't possibly come back to live with them and so if you don't keep it, then the dog will be all alone and possibly get killed.

So you feel guilty, and you keep the dog. And it continues to mess up your house and bite you. But every time you try to give it back the breeders give you a guilt trip and so you let it stay.

Eventually you finally get up the courage to send it off to obedience school. But you promised the breeders and the dog that if it got some manners it could come back. Only while it is gone, you decide that you really don't love the dog any more and you really want it to not live with you anymore.

HOWEVER, eventually the dog gets out of obedience school and you promised it if it had manners it could come back to live with you and so the breeders are pressuring you to take the dog back and so you sort of feel like it is your obligation to keep the dog and you let it come back.

At this point, you know you don't want the dog but you sort of feel trapped so you resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be angry and miserable for the rest of the dogs life because you are stuck with it. You took it in and now it is your responsibility to let it stay.

When one gets to that level of acceptance of being miserable it is very hard to understand that one can be happy again. That there is another life out there and I am going to be able to have it. That I don't have to be miserable forever.

I had resigned myself to the acceptance that no matter what I did I was always going to be with Jake and I was always going to be unhappy. I had married him, for better or worse and I had an obligation to stay.

Does any of that make any sense?

So, excuse me if I continue to look over my shoulders or into the bushes for awhile. This new level of carefree, worry less living is just going to take me a minute to adjust to.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thursday Thoughts

Ok, as is tradition on Thursdays we are going to talk about something that is rambling through my head. Today that something would be falling in love. I know, I know... how cliche. She just announces that she is seeing someone and now she's talking about love.

Would ya hold the rush to judgement for a moment here and hear me out? I have been dating M for a little over three months now. And while I'm not saying I'm in love with him what I am saying is I am beginning to feel a lot like Colbie Caillat's new song:

Colbie Caillat : Fallin' for you

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

So, my question to all of you who have been out in the real world is how do I know? When did you know you were in love with someone? And more importantly, once you knew, how long did you wait to tell them?

My only experience with relationships is from high school and I'm pretty sure that is not going to help me here. In high school you asked someone out and then you were "going out." Pretty sure that didn't happen here so I'm already in unfamiliar territory. We count how long we've been seeing each other from our first date.

Also, in high school I was in love within the first three weeks and planning the wedding by the end of the first two months. And again... THAT is not happening.... I waited a good 10 weeks to start picking out the wedding dress. (Kidding... MOM... I'm kidding... pick yourself up off the floor.) M has not met Zack yet and won't until we get past these three little words and into a place where we are wanting to have a future together so that's not what I'm asking.

I really just want to hear your stories. How did you know you were in love with someone? Once you knew how long did you wait to tell them? Did you wait for them to tell you first? Once you told them did you expect them to feel the same way?

This is all new to me. Waking up and wanting to spend time with someone. Thinking about them during the day because I want to talk to them, not because I'm worried and need to check up on them. All of this is uncharted territory and so I'm really just wondering how it works for other people in the "real world."

So... spill....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

**You can click on the pictures to make them larger**