Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Friday Confessionals: Wednesday Edition

Ok, I've been trying to write this since last Friday but life has sort of gotten in the way. Running here, going there, it's not tax season yet but it is close enough for me to smell it. Close enough for me to be VERY stressed about it coming. Not sure why. It comes every year, it leaves every year but yet every year all of the worst things in my life tend to bombard me during that 2 1/2 months (not that Zack was a worst... he was great... he just had bad timing)

So here it is for all of you:

I am terrified that I will screw up things with M and I'm trying really hard to just let things happen as they happen but it is always in the back of my mind.

Now the rest of the story (as Paul Harvey used to say....) Two months ago Zack met M and he LOVES him. He will see the picture of the two of us on my phone and talk about him. M plays games with Zack. Last weekend he played football with Zack. M has a brother and his brother has a nephew. Every other Sunday we go over to his brother's house and while we all watch football Zack plays with M's nephew. He loves it and he asks me when we get to go again.

This terrifies me in ways I can't even explain to you. I have questioned M over and over again on this. I am so scared that I will screw this up for Zack. That he will fall in love with this man and his family and then they will leave us too.

Two weeks ago a guy in my office got married. It was a quickie thing and immediately everyone started asking me if I was next and it made all of this worse. I know exactly the things that happened in my marriage that were my fault. Several of which I have been able to avoid with M simply by the virtue of the fact that he doesn't live with me.

Them asking me that question actually made me panic a bit whole hell of a lot!! All I could think of was all of the things I have been avoiding. The controlling nature that I have that is gone. Is it gone because I'm better or because he is not with me every day? The thought of living with someone seemed to bring on way more panic. Right now I don't have to know where he is all the time or what he's doing. He doesn't live with me. Unless he's supposed to be at my house and he's not, the rest of it I can completely let go of. It is the same with money, time, chores, etc.

I'm scared that I haven't let go of all of that. That it will spring back up the moment someone moves in with me. What if I'm not better I've just let go of it because of the situation? At the end of the day I realize the the simple act of acknowledging that these thing existed means that I am in a different place than I was when I didn't even know what the problem was. And I'm also well aware of the fact that at some point in my life I will probably live with someone again and I will have to face this then, it just scares me now.

So there you have it. I'm crazy. M hates it when I say that. He says I'm not more crazy than any other woman, that we are all a little bit crazy. :-) Yet, I feel like worrying about something I can't control is nuts. Still I find it coming into my mind when I'm in the shower, in the car, at lunch, falling asleep at night, etc.

I guess this is why I still keep going to my Al-anon meetings. Because I'm not in that relationship anymore, yet I still have some of the residuals that I'm still dealing with. One day at a time, I know I'll get past this panic. I'm just glad that it doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow... or even in the next couple of months. :-)


Bree said...

I think anyone in your situation would have all the fears you have. Anytime you introduce your children to a new person, you pray that you are not making a mistake. Your control issue might never ever rise with M because he is not Jake. He hasnt given you any reason not to trust him, so you do. You are not the insecure person you were before. You don't have to worry about him being out with the wrong people, doing the wrong things, or stealing money from you to score. I guess what I am trying to say, is you don't have to control him, so maybe you won't ever try.

kbreints said...

You will not know if you are *better* until you are put in the situation... and you will not be able to correct yourself until then either. Life is trial and error and so are relationships. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect and for you to expect that of yourself is unrealistic. Just be yourself. M seems to love you for you... and if he is going to be a part of your life he will learn to work through your flaws and you his.

Anonymous said...

I was reading about affairs. I read from a reputable source, that the victim of an affair, might take as long as an affair lasted, to get through it. Not over it, but through it. If an affair lasted 2 years, it might take 2 years for the cheated on party, to start to feel a little safe again. I thought that made sense until I thought about a one night stand LOL. I doubt a husband or wife, of a one night stand cheating spouse would get through that in a day! However,,,,,,,,,,,you have had years and years to learn/live your bad experience and behaviours. How many years of your life were you programmed to worry? control? protect? Maybe it won't take that many years to heal, but dang I bet it takes a long while to unlearn those tendencies. I think M will help you learn it. I rather suspect he really loves you, respects what you've been through and still go through, and he will be patient. Paranoia isn't that attractive to a mate. But love is,,,,,,,,,,,I'm proud of your achievements.

Jessica said...

To go further with what anonymous said....Control is not that attractive to a mate either.

I am not 100% convinced that J is the sole reason you are a controlling person by nature. Although I don't think he helped it any.

I will loan my prayer to you everytime I feel out of control...

"God...give me peace!"

Sounds silly but when I have been spinning; I say it and it really does calm me down.

You can predict, plan or control the future. All you can do is enjoy today!

Jessica said...


You can NOT predict, plan, or control the future. All you can do is enjoy today.

LivingLifeBackwards said...

I think you are getting a little ahead of yourself. Marriage? You haven't even been divorced a year. Calm down and enjoy being in the relationship!

Heather said...

Marriage?? Are you kidding me?? I'm freaking out about the possibility that he might want to move in here some day. I might have a heart attack if we discuss marriage. No, it was the people at work who were joking around with me saying I was next that I was talking about. Although I did make certian that he knew they were joking with me as in isn't that funny... that would never happen right?? Just in case there was some Christmas plan I was unaware of. I don't want to be the girl who has to say no. :-)