It's Not You... It's Me...

Life has been getting in the way of me being here lately. Life has been getting in the way of a lot. My bloglines has over 600 unread posts in it, yet I click on it and then I click away. Today my mind is with my little boy. I have two more hours until I can go pick him up and it can't go fast enough.

Today, this week, this month, my little man is struggling and it breaks my heart to see it happen.

At the risk of my ex or his family stumbling across this post, I must put this out there. My ex has no bond with my son. He was gone for the first 7 months of his life. He came back in a full father capacity for about 7 months and then he just slowly slipped out of our lives again. Ending with that final memory that Zack has of him throwing things at my head and threatening to kill me.

He doesn't want to go there and with this girlfriend thing it appears that J is wanting him there less and less. On the 9th we had to cancel the visit because of the snow storm. On the 13th, he threw a HUGE fit when he had to go to his dad's and then they cut the visit short because J had new tires to install on his car. On the 16th he had to go to some funeral visitation for a woman he didn't know who was once married to a guy he works with. On the 19th I got a text at 5:02 asking if I was on my way because he had somewhere to be. He practically shoved Zack at me as he bolted for the door. He pulled away and was gone before I even had him in his car seat. Then Wednesday he didn't take him because Zack had pink eye and he didn't want to risk getting it.

This morning was the culmination. A series of I don't want to go's followed by a couple of crying fits. I finally convinced him to go with me so he could open some presents and told him I wouldn't leave unless he told me to. He walked in and made it a point to tell daddy that he was not going to stay all day. Just for a little bit. I'm going with mommy to work. Yes, he choose work over being there. He's been to my work. It's boring. He sits on a chair and watches a movie, yet THAT is what he wanted to do.

I sat on their floor for 30 minutes of them asking him are you going to stay here? Can mommy go to work now, etc. before they finally opened a toy he was pretty interested in and he agreed that he would stay and I could go. All I've been able to think about all day is that if he cries for me they won't call. If he's upset I won't know it. 5:00 can NOT get here fast enough.

Next weekend there will be no new presents for me to entice him with. Next weekend it will be sink or swim. And as much as I want to have an opinion one way or the other I have completely taken myself out of this. J has made his own choices on the priorities in his life and now Zack is making his own choices on where he spends his time.

And me, I'm just the one who worries. Stuck in the middle. :-)