The Notebook

As most of you know we are, at the moment, DHS involved. I have been reluctant to discuss any details of this on the old blog because of J's family still reading and even now I'm reluctant in case they find me but I will give you a brief update. The more detailed info I am still saving for Through the Looking Glass, just in case.

Basically, in my opinion, he is clean, he is not sober. To me being sober means working a program, getting right with yourself and trying to better your life. It feels very much to me like J is standing still, not moving forward. DHS and I both feel like it is just a matter of time before he relapses. I'm not sure how I feel about this at all. Zack loves his daddy. But I very much feel like it is a love for a big brother or a older friend, not a daddy. If you know me in real life you will know that this is not a slam, it is just that J was gone for the first 7 months of his life then back for a few than basically non-existent as a care giver for the last 18 months. Zack doesn't know him in that capacity.

For that reason, I waited 5 months to introduce him to M. I waited for a reason and that reason is that Zack LOVES him. He's only hung out with him a few times but he talks about him and wants to see him more. M to him is a man with mommy who holds that daddy capacity more than he has ever seen J hold. Again, not a slam, just a fact.

So, as we are DHS involved we have to do some things that normal parents trying to co-parent do not. Like I said, J is clean, but not sober. So he shows up. He does what he has to but his desire for extra time with Zack seems to be limited. His desire to better himself and do everything within his power to get extra time with Zack is also not there. Again, not going to put a lot of it here in case this site is found but it will go Through the Looking Glass this weekend.

Anyhow, because of all of this we now have to pass a notebook back and forth. A notebook which was supposed to be a way for us to communicate better about Zack. The point of it was lost on J and his mom. Somewhere in translation they thought that it meant that they were to write down everything that Zack does in an effort to jump through some proverbial hoop and gain more access to him. A thing that it seems like his mom is fighting for more than him.

This notebook is a big point of contention with me. I'm angry about it, as I am about a lot of things I have to do for DHS. I LOVE our DHS worker and the Children & Families in home counselor that we have. It is not them at all. It's just the general idea that I have to write in a notebook how he is supposed to parent our child. All of the things a parent should know but he claims he doesn't.

The reason we have this notebook is because he said he's never raised a two year old before and so he doesn't know what to do. Guess what, I've never done it either. But if there is something I want to know I read about it, I ask about it, I find any and all resources to use that I can. When Zack started having aggression problems I didn't just throw up my hands and say I've never done this before, I don't know what to do. I started researching it, I reached out to DHS and C&F, I started calling counselors, I did what I needed to do to try to find answers.

Somewhere in all of this it appears as if he and his mom have gotten it in their head that it is their right to parent Zack. That because he donated sperm he should be allowed to see him. Nothing I have said, or nothing DHS has said has ever made them realize that with two founded DHS convictions and one criminal child endangerment conviction he should be damn lucky that he gets to see him at all. But say that to them and they get offended.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to update you on what is going on and give you a little insight into what I'm dealing with. It is hard and it makes me angry a lot. There are days where I take it one moment at a time and keep reminding myself that even if he is never truly a dad, Zack will be better for at least having some sort of relationship with him as long as it is healthy.

And right now it is. He just hangs out with his grandma and daddy and plays. He is in no physical danger, it's just the best parenting decisions may not always be made.