Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Confessionals

Jake came last night to start moving his things out of our garage.

There is a large part of me that still can't believe that this is REALLY happening. I keep thinking someone is going to jump out of the bushes with a hidden camera and yell just kidding!! You really thought you could get rid of him??

I know that sounds mean and I don't intend for it to but here is the best way I could describe it to M last night. (And this sounds just as cryptic...)

Let's say you go out and you adopt a puppy. It is a very cute puppy and you think you will bring it home and house train it and love it forever. Only as this puppy starts to grow it gets big and mean and now you have a big mean dog that messes up your house and bites you.

So, you try to give it back to the breeder. Only they don't want the problem at their house. Their house is clean and mess free and without all the headaches that come from frequent visits to the court house because the dog has bitten yet another person.

So they give you a guilt trip about how you took on the responsibility of the dog and it can't possibly come back to live with them and so if you don't keep it, then the dog will be all alone and possibly get killed.

So you feel guilty, and you keep the dog. And it continues to mess up your house and bite you. But every time you try to give it back the breeders give you a guilt trip and so you let it stay.

Eventually you finally get up the courage to send it off to obedience school. But you promised the breeders and the dog that if it got some manners it could come back. Only while it is gone, you decide that you really don't love the dog any more and you really want it to not live with you anymore.

HOWEVER, eventually the dog gets out of obedience school and you promised it if it had manners it could come back to live with you and so the breeders are pressuring you to take the dog back and so you sort of feel like it is your obligation to keep the dog and you let it come back.

At this point, you know you don't want the dog but you sort of feel trapped so you resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be angry and miserable for the rest of the dogs life because you are stuck with it. You took it in and now it is your responsibility to let it stay.

When one gets to that level of acceptance of being miserable it is very hard to understand that one can be happy again. That there is another life out there and I am going to be able to have it. That I don't have to be miserable forever.

I had resigned myself to the acceptance that no matter what I did I was always going to be with Jake and I was always going to be unhappy. I had married him, for better or worse and I had an obligation to stay.

Does any of that make any sense?

So, excuse me if I continue to look over my shoulders or into the bushes for awhile. This new level of carefree, worry less living is just going to take me a minute to adjust to.


Alan_Courtney said...

Yeah....well at least you can put a dog down....

Anonymous said...

I hope you submit this piece somewhere for publication! One of your best!!

And I TOTALLY get what you are saying about looking over your shoulders...for many months I would dream that my former-former was still there and that him leaving had been a dream. I would wake up in a panic thinking he was still in bed there next to me. I thought it would pass but something is going on right now again that caused me to have that panic again last night. I almost got up out of bed in the middle of the night to move my bed to a new location in the bedroom thinking it might get rid of the new mojo! Maybe I'll do it tonight.

OMH said...

Well said!

Aunt Becky said...

Makes TOTAL sense to me.

Anonymous said...

I really wish that you would watch what you say...Sometimes I would like to ask you "what the hell are you thinking"! Now that is cool that you and Jake are over! But let me ask you this...DID YOU NOT KNOW FROM THE VERY BIGINING that Jake was like this but you continued to persue him and longed to be with him. Just to remind you...that we all thought you guys were nuts for staying together and thought for a long time that you should get rid of him! But still your hunger for having someone to take care of and belittle had you coming back everytime!! Heather...You play the pitty card all the time...Yes I understand that Jake was abussive and mean and "not potty trained" but who is the one that took their new born baby out at all hours of the night to track him down at drug houses?? I told you from the day that I SIGNED those commitment papers with you that you should leave him and let him get better on his own! I was looking out for and your well being! You should have let him go a LONG time ago! I am not sticking up for Jake because you know that his actions are NOT approved by me at all but come on! Your divorced...so part of that is to let it go! Stop talking about him on here and quit demeaning him on. He is the father of your son and someday I don't want what you say to come back and bite you in the Ass... Yeah...he was fucked up but for the sake of that little boy he is getting better! He is doing GREAT for himself now and NOW it is your turn! Maybe if you turn this website into a place of HAPPINESS that maybe you can honestly let go! Seems to me on this site you go from "yay, be happy for me I am dating" to "Jake did this and Jake did that"! We are all VERY happy and proud of you for moving on with your life and finally having one...I am not here to put you down I am just here to put in my two cents worth...and that is what this website is for...Right??

Anonymous said...

**Everything I am about to say is from an outsider perspective; I am not trying to put words in Heather's mouth. I am merely stating my opinions as I see them!"**

I once heard a wise doctor say "She can't let it go, she can't move on and begin rebuilding her life, she can't forget - UNTIL - she KNOWS he GETS what he has done and how it has impacted her". And vice versa for those roles that are reversed.

Heather is having to find this and get this from within because until present day Jake hasn't sincerely apologized for his actions and the impact they made on her life. He hasn't thanked her for being a wonderful mother during his absense. And because of this and more, to Heather, he still doesn't get it.
He may completely understand what he has done and how it has impacted his life; I don't know that.
If you read back through the blog posts Heather has fully admitted her faults and mistakes. She has shouted that at the time she wanted to be with him. From what I read here it sounds to me like she knows her mind and heart were in some senses just as sick as he.
For the longest time Heather wasn't able to say how she felt or what she thought about herself, her marriage or her ex husband now she NEEDS to, she NEEDS to clear it out, sort it thru and then and only then can she hopefully move on. Until you are with her at night when she can't sleep, laying next to her during the nightmares, sitting across from her when she can't eat, witnessing the emotion that comes from the simpliest of things. You can't say "Now it is your turn". Because as much as she may be in a happier better more loving and carefree place, it doesn't all just go away.

I think there comes a time when Jakes family is going to have to stop reading. I will also say that I have NEVER heard Heather say one bad thing about her ex husband, Zacks father in Zacks presense. Which tells me that she is fully aware of who he is. There were people telling her to run for the hills and fight for everything she has to assure Jake couldn't do to Zack what he has done before but she didn't. Because? In her words "I can't be the one who takes Zacks daddy away!"

As the ex-wife of an abusive addict she can't let everything go as if it never happened. It would eat her alive. Here it may seem she puts the emphasis on Jake but in daily life she has so much guilt for her role and only her role in how her life got to the place it is today.

One last thing-

Sure something you say here Heather may come back to "bite you in the ass" but I would put all my money on it, that that something won't be in the eyes of your son!

Heather said...

Oh dear how I knew you would eventually not be happy with something you read here. I realize that you are mad at me right now for airing some of this stuff and I'm sorry, I truly am sorry if any of it hurts you.

However, I have spent so much of my life hiding all of this that I do need to just get some of it out. I am trying to focus more on the happy than the sad but inevitably something is going to come up and I am going to post it.

Believe me when I tell you I do not want people to pitty me, I just want to tell my story. I'm not looking for any poor me's.

And also, I know exactly what I did when Zack was little. You could never, in a million years, make me feel worse than I already do about that. I have lost several nights of sleep over it and I vowed to be better when we signed the commitment papers.

You and your family have been great to me. I know that, and I don't in any way want to burn bridges but some of this stuff I just need to say. I'm sorry if it hurts you. It hurts me too. But eventually, it will hurt less and I will write about it less. Until then, you can choose not to read but I can't choose not to write or it will eat me up inside.

Anonymous said...

Heather I just get fustrated and I am not sure how I should feel! A part of me(being siblings) makes me want to come unglued and defend Jake because he is my brother but another part of me has NEVER EVER agreed with Jake's actions! I do NOT hate you...I do NOT talk bad about you...You have been in my life for as long anyone and I love you for being a part of my life and I always will! (weither you like it or not) I guess it is just part of life to have to get over the fact that this is your story and you need to tell it...but the truth sucks...and that is why it is hard for me to not defend my brother!

As for Anonymous...
I have been alive for 25 years...for my whole life I have lived with drug addicts, alcoholics, and watching abbuse (from Brother)... so I know how it is...TRUST ME! It isn't easy!!... and remembering the first time seeing Jake throw Heather accross the room because he was pissed was the first time I told her to leave and not look back! I have been there...I have called 911 several times...I have seen my dad and Jake get into fist fights...I have seen my brother high as a kite! Been there done that...so even though I am not there I still see it and live it! That is one reason I got married and moved away from EVERYTHING that was haunting me! Thank god!!

But Heather...the reason I read this blog is not to find fault with things you say, it isn't to see what you are up to...it is to watch MY nephew grow in pictures and photos! That is my only way right now and I don't want that to be taken away! I don't want to burn bridges because I still want to be in his life and want him to know that WE love him and miss him so much! So I appologize for the hurtful words but I had a weak moment and got fusterated!

doc said...

I see everyone's points here. Heather's analogy isn't really a good one (sorry, Heather, but its not) maybe it should have said something along the lines of:

You know when you see the group of dogs and there's the one who eats shoes (does drugs) and is abusive towards the runt of the pack (sorry again Heather) and you know you should take one of the ugly colored dogs but you like the markings on this one and think you can fix it so you take it home (marry him)? You go through years and years of torn shoes and aggressiveness but you can't take him to the pound because you picked him and would just feel so guilty if you weren't able to fix him like you told yourself and everyone around you that you would? You think you may be a failure (who can't fix a dog...really?) And he does keep you company and you don't want to be one of those people who just gives the dog away (gets divorced) but you just can't afford any more shoes and take any more of the aggressiveness? Better? Sister is right as well, you did know ahead of time, its not like you married Prince Charming and the second you said 'I do' then he changed. On the contrary, you changed, you grew out of it and got away when you were able to.

Its a fact of life, most (not all) prople who get divorced dispise their ex's. Even the ones who didn't have the difficult situations that Heather and Jake did.

I don't expect Jake will appologize. It doesn't. First off, it doesn't sound like he has an accurate account of what happened. If he does or ever comes to grasp with that... Who would WANT to remember all of those horrible things and accept accountability for them? Yes, I would want to ope that he would want to, but none of us are in his mind or have been in his shoes.

I get what Sister says. What kind of Sister would she be if she turned her back on family? If everyone wrote him off, there would be no one encouraging him to get better or work his way back to being the father Zack needs. But then again, she specifies she didn't approve of his actions, which shows she has her own head on straight.

Heather, I get what you're saying too. I'm the type ofpersonality that would be eaten alive as well. However, with this being your public blog, what happens if 15 years from now Zack gets curious and reads back... Do you want him to see some of the words you've said about Jake? Maybe you don't say them to his face now, and I would hope you never do, but kids get curious and think about when he is able to read for himself... You wouldn't want him resenting you for your thoughts on Dad.

No one expects you to hide again, Heather. I think you are right to get your thoughts and feelings out there. Sister, you also have to respect that while you witnessed a lot, it doesn't sound like you were the one getting thrown across a room, either, so while you understand the concept, you aren't Heather. A divorce is hard, regardless of the extra baggage. Heather's moving on. She is dating someone else. Its bound to happen and that's great! Maybe it will be forever, maybe it will be the distraction she needs to get away... Very very far away right now. Unfortunately, she is bound to see him frequently and these feelings are bound to come up and when they do, they need to get out!

That's my therapy session. That will be $350 (I'm good!) Hehe

Heather said...

$350?? That's all? Wow that's cheap for all the insight you just gave!! Sign me up for another session next week. Same time same place!! :-)

As for Zack reading here, I try never to put Jake down on this blog for just that reason. Sure, my analagy wasn't bad but it wasn't he's an awful person. He's not.

He's just a man who has a problem. He is an addict. And while I would love to imagine him becoming a great father to Zack the realist in me knows that we did this all two years ago and it didn't work then.

So for now, I continue to encourage their relationship. Continue to take care of my son and myself in the best way I can and just live our lives one day at a time.

wolvers said...

Heather keep doing what you are doing. So what if it's a public blog, it's also a journal for you to go back through and see how far you've come and how your life has changed. The blog is made just for that purpose. I never have gone back through and read my parents personal information. As for Zach reading this in 15 years, very doubtful and unlikely, he'll be busy with his own life and friends. I totally get your analagy and feel that it is a good one. I also get the unsereal feelings you are experiencing and thinking you are going to wake up and it's going to all be a dream. People of that mentality have a way of coming back, getting your heart, making you feel it's all your fault, they'll change and be better, and like the dog you give them another chance and get hurt worse in the end. I was there in a similar situation just 6 months ago. God will lead you to places and people you've never imagined being in or with and it will all work in the end! Keep your chin up girl.