Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Confessionals

I have drawn a line in the sand with Jake. My very first boundary that I can't take back. If he messes up, if he goes missing, if he is using our lives will change. He will be asked to move out again and the big D word will most likely be in our future.

I'm TERRIFIED of this. I have never, in my life, had a boundary that he didn't cross and a consequence that I stuck to. I'm so afraid that he will cross that line and I will make an excuse for him. That I won't be strong enough to do what I know has to be done.

I know that this is the right choice for me and for my family. I know that we can't keep living that life but as a wonderful blogger that I read said today (on a totally different topic)...

"Knowing something is right just seems so far away from getting to a place where you can be ok with it."


kbreints said...

((hugs)) If you do not stick to your guns on this subject, THEN everything that you have worked for will be gone. There will be no reason for him to stay clean, all of your 'boundries' will be free and clear to be stepped on.

All that being said. I am sad for you. That it has come down to this. I know that in your heart of hearts it is the last thing that you want to happen.

But wanting it, and having it be a reality are two different things.

J said...

I remember so well when I had to finally tell my friends and family what my life was really like with an alcoholic husband because I was so scared and just couldn't do it on my own anymore...people didn't judge me, people didn't think I was a bad person for setting the boundary of saying, "This is not okay for me and my kids." and the world didn't end.

Putting something in writing is a huge step to making it happen.

It is just a matter of fact. Your job is to take care of yourself and your son. Jake's job is to take care of himself. He has all the same choices available to him as anyone else.

If he chooses to behave in a way that negatively impacts you or Z. then the consequence is not your fault.

Sorry you have to deal with this during tax season!

electriclady said...

Sending you strength...

OMH said...

Quoteing a previous blog comment "Your job is to take care of yourself and your son. Jake's job is to take care of himself."

This alone sucks and is why you should/HAVE to stick to your guns. Jake's job is to take care of himself.......because that is all he sees is HIMSELF. Your job is you and your son. When in fact it should be BOTH OF YOU taking care of your son, if you become weak in your stance then Zack has NO ONE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. One is better than NONE.

I've read your blog since you were longing for a baby...your hearts desire was to be a mommy ... I do not know Jake, I do not know if he longed to be daddy but I doubt it was his hearts desire. I do not doubt he loves Zack so do not think that is what I am saying ... but you have been granted your HEARTS DESIRE - charish him, protect him and forget all other things.

You cannot afford to waiver!

Krista said...

I'm so sorry it has come to this, for your sake I hope he respects that line. But if he doesn't, please know that there is no way anyone can judge you for protecting yourself and your son. You have protected Jake for so long... you can't have that responsibility anymore, Zack's world needs to be safe and unfortunately Jake makes it unsafe when he enters that dark world.


Lauren said...

I guess all I can say is I'm sorry and I know you can stick to your guns when it comes down to it because of your son. You know that what you are doing is best for your son and that will be enough.