Friday, June 1, 2007

Oh Bother...

That would be the kind of day I'm having today. One of those no good very bad types of days. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The kind of day where you focus on all the bad that is going on and forget to think about the good. That's me today...

Zack got up at 4:00. Usually this is not a problem but today he didn't want to settle back down. He just proceeded to lie there and kick me and keep me awake.

My alarm went off at 5:00. I was just dosing back off. I got out of bed at 5:30.

I get downstairs and I notice that the one load of laundry that I have managed to get clean this week will probably have to be re-washed, or at least re-dried because one of my stupid cats decided the laundry basket was her bed!! (Like I have TIME to re-wash clothes!!)

Then I get into the bathroom and notice that one of the cats has decided to use my rug as their own personal barfing ground and hacked a hairball on it.

The dog is loosing weight. He looks awful. I feed him the same amount as always, this week I have doubled it and I don't know if it's stress or if some thing's wrong. I'm afraid to take him to the vet because Jake will be devastated if something is wrong and I am HORRIBLE at lying to him so if I know something he will know something.

I got the bill for Jake's first stay in Broadlawns from 3/20 - 4/13. $20,000. Did you fall out of your chair yet? My portion is $1,900. Yeah... not as bad but still pretty close. I can only imagine the joy that will come when I get the rest of the bill for his second stay.

It is raining. Not just a little sprinkle either. When I was driving to work it was like a fire fighting helicopter was overhead and it had opened the bucket and was just pouring the water out. My hair... well it's a good thing I didn't do much with it because now my bangs are flat and my hair is frizzy...

I miss my son. I miss my son every day but today seems more than usual. He is so happy in the mornings that I just want to stay there with him and watch him smile and laugh. I need to get up earlier so that I can spend more time doing this.

Jake's pass got denied. Did I tell you he was trying to get a pass? He couldn't request one until he had been there 30 days so we counted on a calendar and thought 30 days was Saturday. I think they are counting differently. Technically he won't have been there a month until Monday.

Jake and I got in an argument over the phone last night. About what you ask?? The only thing we have to argue about these days. Money. He wanted some money to go to Costco today and I told him I didn't have any to give him. Only I'm not sure I was that nice about it. It ANGERS me a lot when he talks to me about money. It is like there is a big angry pot inside of me and it boils over whenever that subject comes up.

Finally there is all of this crap with this site. Honestly at this point, at least for this one post, if you don't have something nice and supportive to say PLEASE just keep your comments to yourself. Post on your own website, e-mail your friends, hell e-mail my friends, just don't carbon me on the e-mail okay?

At this point I don't really care what any of you think about the decisions I am making. I know my husband. I know him better than any one else and I have talked to him, more than what I have posted here or told any of you. I know that his addiction is a disease. It is in his family and his marriage is not the only marriage/relationship that has been threatened by it.

Say what you will (to yourselves today) but I am not making excuses for him. I know what he did was wrong and I am not willing for him to just come skipping back into our lives and pretend that nothing happened. But I also know that he has an illness. He didn't get help because he couldn't. He asked for it but then he would always say he could do it on his own. In the end it boils down to what he told me, "it doesn't matter how much you love your family your addiction takes hold and you just can't do it on your own. I wanted to check myself in to a treatment facility but I just couldn't do it."

Believe what you will (still to yourselves) but I chose to believe that he was sick and that in his right state of mind he would never have put anyone he loves in danger nor would he have done some of the things he has done. I know he's sorry, I know that he wants to make things right. I don't need to beat a dead horse by bashing him over and over with what happened. He gets it now we all need to move on.

At this point my sanity depends on surrounding myself with supportive people and on NOT dwelling on what happened in the past. Every time I think about it I have days like this. It happened, it's over and no it DOES NOT MATTER if I know 100% of what happened. It's over and if I'm willing to move on than you all should be willing to let me.

P.S. Thank you to all the anonymous people (whomever you are) who have been so great yesterday and today and have really stood up for me. It helps more than you know!!


stella said...

You have the right idea:
You cannot live in the past while seeking to grow in the present. Stay strong sweetie!! You're doing ok.

Anonymous said...

Very strong blog Heather! While your day hasn't been the best (and it's Friday so that needs to change!) Your inner emotions and positive outlook and maybe a little anger has shown you very strong. You're strong for what you've been through, what your doing now, and for your outlook on the future to come. I pray that your family gets a fresh new start with Jake when he is released. Continue to be strong, for yourself, for your husband, for your child. You're doing wonderfully! Bravo!

kbreints said...

Smile. And nod. Just smile and nod... and breath - remember to do that too. This to shall pass.

Tink said...

I haven't commented for awhile because I honestly didn't know what to say. But I'll comment today, because you need/deserve it. I have faith in you to get through this. I think you're a strong woman with a good heart, Heather. There IS a light at the end of this, I swear.

OMH said...

Smile and nod - what GREAT advice. Also "flip them off in your head while your doing it!"

Here's hoping you have an AWESOME weekend with lots of Zach smiles!

lonna said...

I have stayed out of so much of this discussion because, honestly, I am lucky not be able to relate to much of it. I will tell you this: Jake is so lucky to have you. I truly believe that addiction is a disease. There's some new research that shows that even recovering addicts have different brain patterns than those of us who have never suffered from addiction. The trick now is to find how to keep that under control. Jake obviously needs to heal himself and learn how to deal with things as a clean individual, but knowing that you believe in him can only help your entire family. I'm glad that you have such rays of sunshine with Zack. That's got to be such a help getting through every day.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say how much I admire you. I have come over from Uncommon Misconception. I read every single one of your posts from the last 2 years.

I am suspecting that my husband may have a similar problem. I don't know why I can't bring myself to confront him; I should be able to do this, since I'm so darn loud and fearless about everything else, you know? I can do anything. I can handle anything. I have been whacked by life a few times, and I know I am tough. So why the heck can't I get on the stick about THIS??!!

Your actions and clear-headed thinking are so inspiring. How do you do it?!

You really are an awesome example of a person with her head on straight, with goals and expectations. I wish I had the strenght you do. You are a smart, smart person; you have taken so many steps in the RIGHT direction.

You have so much going for you, and you have drawn the lines in the sand, so to speak. You know what you will do if he doesn't stay clean. You're making progress every day. I envy you! No, really! You have set really good things in motion! You have a plan!

So, as waffle-y as I am about my own situation, I can CLEARLY see that there are things that can be done, things that MUST be done in a situation like this, and something good will come from doing those things.

You've given me hope. Thank you for that. I'll keep cheering you on!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Very strong blog good for you for sticking up for yourself. The bad part is you DO air your dirty laundry out here and ask for opinions and you can't get pissed when someone gives you what you asked for.
Time will only tell if this situation is going to work and you would be crazy to not try to be positive.
Just make sure you have that back up IF he does mess up. Your first priority is Zack. I know you know that.
As far as the comments about your friends bouncing when/if Jake comes back. You have to understand some people don't do it because they aren't "real" friends. They may do it because they can't stand to sit by and see you get hurt. And you can't help the unwilling. You are an adult and really what can they do?
As an ex-wife turned single mom due to a meth addicted husband. My advice is CALL ON ANY RED FLAGS. EVen with the money, when it pisses you off tell him why it pisses you off. If he can't handle stress in a drug free environment do you really think you can handle it on the "outside"?