It's a Gummy Bear

We had our first doctors appointment today. Everything looks good. Measuring perfectly at 8w1d and the heart beat was easily seen on screen.

The doctor even printed me out the above picture which he assures me is, in fact, our baby but looks more like a jelly bean, or a gummy bear. :-)

We are both head over heals excited and just pray that everything continues normally.

Irrational Rationalization

A week ago FoTB was served with papers. He was supposed to have a court date but it was canceled. Luckily, the process server we hired was persistent and she tracked him down and served him that night.

The next day was Zack's 5th birthday. 5... OMG... how is he FIVE already?? Anyhow, AMAZINGLY enough, he called that day. No phone call for three months before but he calls then. Gee, couldn't have ANYTHING to do with being served the night before could it?

Either way, the message he left was so surreal I had to listen to it twice to make sure I wasn't missing something. "Hey, just have a birthday present for Zack and was wondering if I could drop it off at daycare or by the house sometime."

As if he had been out of town on business for a week, not MIA for the last 3 1/2 months. The second time he called, I answered. My only words were, you have not called, text or emailed for 10 weeks, what makes you think you can just stop by?

It was at this point he lost it. Started screaming and yelling at me that it was all my fault and I wouldn't let him talk to him, etc.

I hung up. I spent more years than I care to count being screamed at and berated by this man. I do not need it and I am not going to put up with it.

After I hung up I sent him a text, reminding him he had been served with termination papers (Termination idiot... as in you can not just stop by out of the blue) and asking him to please do the right thing by Zack and just go away and let him be happy.

The response I got from him was irrational, at best. He text me that he would never walk away from his son (isn't that what he already did... he hasn't contacted us in 10 weeks) and that he had 3 of the best lawyers in town on it and I better not mess with him.

Mmmmm.... hmmmm... that big talk may work with some people, but it stopped working on me several years ago.

I just text him back and reminded him that he was facing 5 felonies and 4 misdemeanors and SEVERAL years in jail. That he had no case.

He left me with a text simply saying, that is what you think. Have a nice day.

Then, about an hour and a half later my phone lit up. When I looked, it was a text from him. It simply said, "Can I call my son and tell him happy birthday and that I love him and I miss him?"

Huh? What? I looked at it, re-read it. Put the phone down, pulled it back out when Jim got home, had him look at the series of texts from an hour earlier. Was I unclear in the TERMINATION part? Was I unclear in please just go away and let him be happy? No, no it was all pretty clear, and yet, there it was, a text acting as if that whole series of texts before had never happened.

At that point, all I could do was default to an Al-anon slogan I learned early on. You can't argue with crazy. You are trying to rationalize something which is 100% irrational.

He is, without a doubt, irrational at best, delusional at worst. Stuck so far into his addiction right now that nothing he says or does makes any sense to someone on the outside looking in. It is sad and scary all at the same time and all I can do is pray that the judge sees this our way and does what we feel is in Zack's best interest right now to keep him away from all of this.

Update of Sorts

Well, FoTB is supposed to be in court on Wednesday. With any luck by noon on Wednesday a process server will have tracked him down and said those famous words to him. "FoTB, you have been served."

After that, it is any one's guess what will happen. He may call me within 15 minutes of getting the paperwork to rant and rave. He may not call me at all but show up promptly on March 15th with some lawyer he handles to "fight for his son." Or he may just sign the paperwork and slip quietly into the sunset.

When they serve him on Wednesday it will be:

17 weeks since he has seen Zack
16 weeks since we suspended visits
11 weeks since he has talked to Zack
10 weeks since he has had any communication with me
7 weeks since he has paid any child support
1 Thanksgiving missed without a word
1 Christmas missed without a word
1 New Year missed without a word

I'm just ready for this to all be over.

I spoke to his ex fiance today. She was supposed to write a statement for us to have. Something saying all the things she told me were true. That he had alcohol around the boys. That he left her regularly with the boys while he went out, etc.

She's not writing it.

She says with him out of jail now she is afraid for her safety and her son's safety. She is afraid he will come there and hurt them. It is a cop out and it PISSES me the F&^% off. She says she cares about Zack but really, if she did would she use that as her excuse. I barely know her son but I would stand up for him against FoTB in a heartbeat. Yet here she is, using him being out as her most recent excuse for not writing it.

It also pisses me off because if she truely is afraid he is winning again. He is a coward, someone who slinks away when he is stood up to, but he rules by fear. He rules by puffing out his chest and making people think he is tough and she is letting him win. By backing down and not standing up to him she is letting him win.

I know him well enough, he will not go there. Not if she writes one statement or 100 statements. But she won't listen to me and consequently, several important items in our case may fall through the cracks. I'm going to see if we can subpoena her. It is a long shot and it certainly will not make her my bff but at this point, my son's safety is paramount and if she won't fight for it, I will.

I am not afraid of him. I lived that life for far too long.

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As for the baby news, there is really nothing to report. I assume everything is going along as it should be but I have no reassurances as to that. My first ultrasound is not for another two weeks and so until then, all I can do is hope and pray.

I started getting really sick on Friday. The doctor's office put me on a drug cocktail of Unisom and B6 vitamin. It seems to be working, although I have no idea why. Quite personally, I don't really care. If I can get through a day without feeling like I want to crawl in a hole... I'm good.

More updates to come when I have them. :-)