Thursday, August 16, 2007

Being Alone

So, like I mentioned the other day, I've been looking through my old journal entries. Some of them have been really funny but a lot of them have really got me thinking. I'm supposed to be writing this thing for Jake's counselor about why I love Jake and I've had the assignment for over a month. I've managed to write three pages of filler but only about one page of real stuff.

So I thought maybe I would find some answers in my old writings. However, I'm not finding much. What I am finding is an overwhelming sense that I have been through a LOT in my life, and not just with Jake. I'm also discovering that this stint on my own is probably the longest I have ever been alone in my life.

Throughout my journal there are numerous entries about not wanting to be alone. I was continually clinging to friends or to boyfriends. Even when they were not as nice to me as they should have been I stayed because I didn't have a backup plan and so they were all I knew.

In high school I had a whole string of friends who I was SOO close with, even one who I called my mommy for a time (don't get me started on how stupid this sounds to me now) and yet none of those friendships were really based on anything other than the fact that these people liked me and accepted me for a time and I clung to them like glue.

It is sad to me to think that before Jake I had a steady boyfriend that I fought with for 5 months before we broke up and STILL I was sad when he left. Before that I had another boyfriend that I NEVER saw and only talked to on the phone once a week, but still... I had a boyfriend and I was not alone. (And when we broke up I cried in my cheerios over that one too....)

My journal is filled with all of these entries about how much I love boyfriends and friends and how within the span of just a few short weeks I am SOO attached to someone that I would let them walk all over me just so I wouldn't be alone.

It makes me wonder who that person is. Five months after Jake has been gone I am having a hard time remembering her. However, two days ago Jake called to tell me things were not going well and he may not graduate his program and it all came flooding back.

I know in my brain that if he doesn't graduate (I'll write more on this later) that he's not serious about his recovery and so I should not let him back in my life. But in my heart there was a great sense of panic. This is why I have to continue to be honest with my friends and family.

It would be all to easy for me to fall back into my old routine and make excuses for him and then let him come back and blame the system instead of him. It would be all to easy to make sure that I'm not alone. But I can't do that. I have a son who depends on me to keep him safe and so really, I'm not alone. (In fact in a few short years I may be BEGGING for time alone.) But right now, I'm the sole care giver for the smartest, most adorable baby in the whole wide world (heavens no I'm not biased) and I have to make sure I keep him safe.

So what's my real problem? The fact that his counselor gave me an assignment that should not have, but has caused me to look at myself in a whole new way and to really examine who I am and why I put up with what I have. Why do I get SOO attached to people who are obviously bad for me? How do I make sure that I'm letting Jake back into my life because I love him and I love our life together and not just because he's comfortable? And most importantly, how do I make sure that I never go back to being that person that I was, so afraid of being alone that she would let herself be trampled all over just to be with someone?


kbreints said...

Wow - heather this is an amazing look into yourself. You seem have teken off those rose colored glasses and are taking a clear, concious look at your relationship and your life. That is not something that anyone can do easily. I am proud of you for being so honest and open. Keep it up!

You are SO not alone-- you have Jess and I... we should be keeping you busy enough!

Laura said...

I used to do that too - I have not been through as much as you have been through with the drugs and Jake, but I definitely used to have the same tendency to stick with bad boyfriends because they were better than being alone. I was very scared of being alone. And it really was kind of silly in a way because I would never have been really "alone," just maybe without a romantic partner for awhile. But I still had a support system with my family and friends and I lost sight of that entirely. I hope you don't do that.

This was such a heartfelt, poignant, insightful post that you wrote. I think that sometimes being on your own is the hard thing but the best thing. You are learning so much about yourself, you're able to make decisions by yourself and you're growing so much stronger even though it might not be the most fun phase of your life.

electriclady said...

What an amazing post. Good for you for taking such a long, hard look at yourself and being so honest with yourself, even if you don't love what you see.

Jessica said...

I think I will say this again....

When you are confident enough in the decisions you make you won't feel the need to explain them to others (in a defense sort of way).

I think this may be the first time in your relationship with Jake where you learn to or will be with him for the right reasons. You will know in your heart if you don't let your brain deny it. Denial such a wonderful neccesity to living. HA!

And finally...Why don't we know about Jake not graduating or graduating or whatever it is he is or isn't doing? How are we suppose to help? :) Do we need to have another meeting with the erasable white board and speaker phone cell phones? :)
I know...I know I am sure you have been busy (under my breath - I talked to you on the phone the last two nights-clear my throat). Oh what people must thing....LOL...Glad you know what I mean and can hear me saying it! :)

I am so proud of you....I hope you carry all you have learned and remember that you deserve the best!!

Love ya and Spikey too!!

Todd said...

It's good that you are taking a look at yourself too Heather. Take this time and figure it out. And I promise that in a few years you WILL be begging for a bit of time alone, but enjoy Zach and wanting to be around him for as long as possible!!

KK's Mom said...

Maybe that counselor knew exactly what he or she was asking you to do! It seems like you are thinking through all the right things - not the easy things, but the right things. Life seems so heavy for you right now (because it is - duh) but you actually seem to be doing better than ever. Does that make sense? I'm thinking about you - and Jake too...

Anonymous said...

I think it is amazing how far you have come as a person and a mother in the time that Jake has been away. It is nice to read that you want to stay with him because you love him and not because you are comfortable. I find it telling that this assignment seems hard for you. Writing down why you love someone should be easy, and I understand that you have a lot to sort through with everything that has happened. I think that you should ask yourself why you only have one page of real stuff, when you have 10 years together.
Also, reading how all your relationships have been it looks as if you have never been loved unconditionally, and maybe that is something you want for yourself and for your son.
From experience I have stayed in relationships I shouldn't have for various reasons, contentment being one of them. The decision whether to take Jake back or not is going to be one of the hardest you have to make especially when you have a son together. I wish you luck in that decision.
I do have a question for you. Do you feel obligated to stay with him so that he stays successful with his recovery?

stella said...

The hardest journey you will ever take is the journey inward. I'm glad to hear that you are taking this journey with honesty and openess. Sometimes we don't like what we see but it makes us stronger people when we recognize our faults and work to change those. The only ones we can change are ourselves. Bravo to you for at least trying!

Deanna said...


Amazing post. You have grown so much in just a short time! It is sad that it has to take a traumatic event to cause change. Continued best wishes to you and your family! Thank you for being so open and honest.