Being Alone

So, like I mentioned the other day, I've been looking through my old journal entries. Some of them have been really funny but a lot of them have really got me thinking. I'm supposed to be writing this thing for Jake's counselor about why I love Jake and I've had the assignment for over a month. I've managed to write three pages of filler but only about one page of real stuff.

So I thought maybe I would find some answers in my old writings. However, I'm not finding much. What I am finding is an overwhelming sense that I have been through a LOT in my life, and not just with Jake. I'm also discovering that this stint on my own is probably the longest I have ever been alone in my life.

Throughout my journal there are numerous entries about not wanting to be alone. I was continually clinging to friends or to boyfriends. Even when they were not as nice to me as they should have been I stayed because I didn't have a backup plan and so they were all I knew.

In high school I had a whole string of friends who I was SOO close with, even one who I called my mommy for a time (don't get me started on how stupid this sounds to me now) and yet none of those friendships were really based on anything other than the fact that these people liked me and accepted me for a time and I clung to them like glue.

It is sad to me to think that before Jake I had a steady boyfriend that I fought with for 5 months before we broke up and STILL I was sad when he left. Before that I had another boyfriend that I NEVER saw and only talked to on the phone once a week, but still... I had a boyfriend and I was not alone. (And when we broke up I cried in my cheerios over that one too....)

My journal is filled with all of these entries about how much I love boyfriends and friends and how within the span of just a few short weeks I am SOO attached to someone that I would let them walk all over me just so I wouldn't be alone.

It makes me wonder who that person is. Five months after Jake has been gone I am having a hard time remembering her. However, two days ago Jake called to tell me things were not going well and he may not graduate his program and it all came flooding back.

I know in my brain that if he doesn't graduate (I'll write more on this later) that he's not serious about his recovery and so I should not let him back in my life. But in my heart there was a great sense of panic. This is why I have to continue to be honest with my friends and family.

It would be all to easy for me to fall back into my old routine and make excuses for him and then let him come back and blame the system instead of him. It would be all to easy to make sure that I'm not alone. But I can't do that. I have a son who depends on me to keep him safe and so really, I'm not alone. (In fact in a few short years I may be BEGGING for time alone.) But right now, I'm the sole care giver for the smartest, most adorable baby in the whole wide world (heavens no I'm not biased) and I have to make sure I keep him safe.

So what's my real problem? The fact that his counselor gave me an assignment that should not have, but has caused me to look at myself in a whole new way and to really examine who I am and why I put up with what I have. Why do I get SOO attached to people who are obviously bad for me? How do I make sure that I'm letting Jake back into my life because I love him and I love our life together and not just because he's comfortable? And most importantly, how do I make sure that I never go back to being that person that I was, so afraid of being alone that she would let herself be trampled all over just to be with someone?