Friday, August 31, 2007

So...um... yeah...

I'm not sure how to begin this post or really how to end it. In fact, I'm not really sure what to put in the middle either so excuse me if I just sort of ramble in incoherent sentences and in some sort of a random order. Things at my house right now are stressful, to put it mildly... REALLY mildly.

Jake is home. Not for a visit, he is home. Sort of got dumped on me after the funeral. I told you all how he had sort of stalled in his progress two weeks ago and then he appeared to be moving again but apparently not at the rate they think that he should be. His counselor called it failure to thrive.

I don't know how I feel. I have talked to her a couple of times and she has assured me that this is not really a problem with Jake but more a problem with the environment. She doesn't feel that he's making progress because he is too focused on me and Zack and he is too far away from us. She thinks that he will do much better in an outpatient environment here, where he can still see us every night.

I called her again yesterday morning just to be sure. I made sure that she understood that I was basing my decision to let him back in our household on this information and she needed to tell me the truth, not what she thought I wanted to hear. She assured me she was.

She says that she has no doubts that Jake can do this and with five months of sobriety under his belt she doesn't think he needs a residential treatment center any more. In her opinion he will do much better and make much more progress if he can be around us and not be distracted by worrying about us.

There's a part of me that's happy that he's home. It's now another set of hands to help me with Zack and thus far, in the three short days he's been there, he has been a great help around the house too.

However, there is also a part of me that is disappointed and sad. He wanted to finish this program, I wanted him to finish this program and the both of us feel that they sort of gave up on him because he wasn't making progress as quickly as they would like.

My counselor tells me that sometimes these places have stats that they turn in and if someone is bringing down their stats they will discharge them. I don't know if this is the case or not. However, I am sure that if Jake tries at this, he can make it.

On Tuesday he will begin outpatient treatment. This weekend we will attend some meetings. There are some tonight that are an AA meeting in one room and an Al-anon meeting in another. I think we may try to hit those.

As for my stress level, it is through the roof. I think I need a Valium or a percoset or whatever it is that people pop to bring their heart rate down and make them function again. As a friend of mine so wonderfully pointed out, I have chosen to let him come back so I have to give him the space to prove to me he can do this.

I think my stress level will be much diminished once I fully embrace this concept. This is no longer my battle to fight. Jake has to sink or swim and at this point I know that if he falls I have an amazing support system to lean on and I can do this on my own. My big thing now is not that he's here but that I had no warning. I wasn't prepared for it and so I'm feeling very caught off guard and a little out of sorts.

Hopefully after a three day weekend and a whole lot of projects that I hope to get done I will feel a little more like myself.


Todd said...

wow!! what a shock! good luck with all of this it's alot to handle all at once. Jake is lucky to have you for support and I know you are going to like having the "help" with Zach and all. Just remember to take a minute for yourself, go for a walk or something if you need to. Good Luck!

Jessica said...

I stick by what I said! Some way some how you need to change Heather. Jake has gone away to try to help himself, gain his sobriety, be a father to his son, a husband to his wife etc. You can not....NOT....mother him any more. You will only set him up for failure doing so. If you are going to chose to have Jake in your house and as your husband you need to draw a line....hold his hand and step over it....don't go back, start a new....your relationship can be whatever you let it be. I am not saying by any means you need to forgive and forget but if you are going to give your marriage a second chance you need to trust and have faith that he will fullfill your needs and carry you. I am sure he wants to....so let him.
I am happy for you and Spike that he is home. A little sad that it will intrude on our oh so cozy girl nights and girly talks but I will get over it. Could someone send me a sympathy card please? :)

I'm here for you dear....and you better be d@#n sure I will call you on all those flaws we both carry. Do you think we could get a two for one special at the control freaks anonymous?

Love ya ... LOL! :)


stella said...

I agree with Jessica. This weekend should be good for you to take the time to catch your breath. Once you do, you'll know what needs to be done. Wipe the slate clean, start fresh. The door is wide open to move forward together, getting stronger every day. You both can do this!! And as time goes on, you'll be better people because of it.
Just give me a shout if there is anything I can do to help.

lonna said...

Wow. What a shocker and what weird timing. I really hope Jake's counselor is right. I'm sure that it did kill him to be so far away from the two of you. I have my fingers crossed that everything goes well from here on out.

Anonymous said...

Amen, Jess. You have to stop "mothering" Jake and become a team - that is what marriage is all about. Do things together, share household responsibilities together,but do not under any uncertain terms revert back to telling Jake what he can and cannot do. He is a big boy and has proven that by making it 5 months. If you keep doubting him and looking over his shoulder, than he will falter. Have faith. Now is past time for you to get the counseling.

kbreints said...

I really think that if you can trust in Jake, he will trust in himself. If you try to Mother him, he will act like the child he has been in the past. You have a son to mother- no need for two- This time around give Jake a chance to step up to the plate and be their physically & emotionally for you both.

If he can't do it- I think that those colors will show soon enough- and you will know.