This Morning I got up at 4:00 and braved the crowds with Danette to find great holiday deals.
I bought more DVD's than I needed
I own WAY too many DVD's
I did manage to get my mom and dad done and most of what I wanted for Zack
We hit three Target stores, Toys R Us, Kohls, MC Sports, a Christian Book Store, Wal-mart and the Bass Pro Shop (which is really cool for any of you that live in this area) and still managed to be done by 10:00
After shopping I headed in to work
With all that has happened to me this year I only have about 8 hours of personal time left from now until June 15 of next year
I really think that the day after Thanksgiving should just be another holiday
There are only 5 of us in the office
I am hoping that the one Shareholder who is here will send us home early
I'm not holding my breath for this
Tonight I am supposed to have my meeting
I'm skipping it in favor of hanging out with Zack in our PJ's and watching movies
I bought him some new Buzz Lightyear PJ's to replace the ones he INSISTS on wearing that are too small
I think he will be excited and I'm excited to hang out with him
Because I am excited to hang out with him my child will cry when I pick him up
It is the law of nature
Hoping all my friends in the computer and in real life have a wonderful weekend
I am struck frequently by how different my life is now vs. where it was. Throughout the journey of the last year I have often had people ask me why I look back. Why don't I just let it go and move forward. And the truth is, if it was that simple I would do it. It is often, in fact most of the time, not a conscious choice to look back to where I was.
Usually I am going about my daily life and I will be struck by something. A slap upside the head of where I have been and where I am still going. For the most part I have now learned that M is not J. Nothing he has ever done and nothing he has ever said has lead me to believe that there are any similarities there aside from the fact that they both do, in fact, possess male genitalia.
Yet, every once and awhile he will say something that will strike me wrong. At first I reacted to those things. I would say something or do something and he would have to reassure me that he was different, that my life was different. When we were about four months into our relationship there was an e-mail conversation we had about this. I alludedto it here but wasn't comfortable at the time giving details.
The basis of that e-mail was an exchange between M and I about where our relationship was going. We had been dating for four months and were still basically like a new couple. We saw each other once a week, we never talked on the phone, and on any given day I had pretty much no idea how he spent his time. I knew I was starting to fall for him, despite all of this, and I sort of wanted to know how he felt about it.
During that exchange he said this to me:
I wondered if you were simply excited because I wasn't J. I didn't yell at you, cut you down, throw things at you and on and on. Really, I don't want that to be the basis of why you're with me. Because I don't do these things should not be flattering or impressive to either of us.
I knew that I should have known this, that he should have known this. And the fact that I was unable to convey to him that I did not like him simply because he was not my ex husband made me realize pretty quickly that I had to change some things in my life.
Two months later, M is VERY well aware that the reasons I like him have nothing to do with him not being J. I like him because he is him, I appreciate a lot of what he does for me so much more because of where I have come from. I think this much I have finally made clear to him.
But sometimes those things still sneak in. The other night we were texting and he said something to me that triggered that response. The difference is now I know it. I recognize it and I can also stay quiet long enough to sort through why I'm reacting the way I do. When he finally asked where I had gone this was my response:
The difference between me and several of the other women you've dated that you thought were crazy is not the lack of crazy thoughts or neurosis, it is my ability to keep my mouth shut.
I'm not sure he got it, I'm still not sure he does, but I do. I understand that I am saving my relationship by no longer setting him up to fail. I found this song this weekend, while going through old posts and moving the blog. This song was my life. The lyrics are what ran through my head over and over again when J was out using but the way she sings it, as if she has been there too, as if she fully understands, are what make this song great.
When I heard this song again this weekend it was one of those moments. A time when my breath caught in my chest and my heart sank. I was transported back to sitting on the couch, rocking back in forth in bed and praying that the phone would ring. A time in my life when I was trapped in my own personal hell.
Yesterday M and I were texting during the day and he said he would call me when he got off work. He was off work at 9:00 and at 9:05 my phone rang.
I need to remember today and every day to be grateful for where my life is now. To know that M is wonderful and perfect just as he is and that he has never been and will never be anything that J was.
Sometimes I just have to look a back a bit and remember so I can truly be appreciative of all I have now.
Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.
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I'm trying to get him into the bathtub and he begins to whine. My back hurts, my leg hurts, I don't want to take a bath. I get him in and turn on the water and he continues with the whining. Finally, I look at him and I just start to whine back.
At first there is confusion, then he begins to giggle. A little at first then a full belly laugh.
It goes on like this for the entire bath. He giggles, he looks at me, I make some loud obnoxious noise at him and spray him with water and then he giggles some more.
The joy of this situation is not lost on me. What could have been a power struggle, has now been turned into a game that both of us are enjoying.
A year ago it would have been hold it down, I'm trying to hear the TV. Today it was all laughter and joy. Every day in our house now is as much laughter and joy as we can pack into every moment.
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Head on over to WeeblesWobblog and share your Perfect Moment
Union officials said that since the new dispatch system -- the Unified Call Taking System -- went on line on May 9, barely trained call-takers have been making lots of mistakes.
On Aug. 18 sending Ladder 28 in Manhattan to a water leak that turned out to be a pregnant woman whose water broke
The title of this blog comes from a post I did right before the divorce was final. It is a Natasha Bedingfield song and it spoke to me.
When I had my divorce party Miss Katie took the words from that song and put them on a picture of Zack and me and from that point on it kind of just stuck.
I feel like I am starting over. I am writing my story with every single today and tomorrow. For me, that is a very powerful message. That I am not what I was, that I don't have to continue to live in that shadow. Instead, today is where my book begins.
Today marks six months since I met M. Our first date was on May 20th. I'm hesitant to call it an anniversary. I mean it sort of is but every time I think of a six month anniversary all that comes into my head is teenagers. It doesn't seem like quite the grown up way to put it but I'm not sure how else to say it.
Just like what he is. For all intents and purposes M is my boyfriend. I can't say that term without instantly feeling like I'm back in high school again. I don't know why. Something about having been married and quickly closing in on the age of thirty just makes me feel ridiculous telling someone I have a boyfriend. So instead, any time I refer to M I usually just call him M, if people know who I'm talking about, or I call him the guy I'm dating. It's a mouth full but it doesn't give me that weird feeling.
N-E-Way... Where was I? Oh yes, six months. Last night I got him a card and I wrote him a four page letter and I'm pretty sure embarrassed the heck out of both of us. But what can I say, that is who I am. Either way, I'm not sure what to say about all of it here other than the fact that it is.
I owe you guys a bit of details about us and all of that will come in time as this new blog gets up and running and I can shed some of the veil of secrecy I've been living under for the last year. Let's just say for now that the man is amazing and wonderful and everything that I ever hoped for but never, ever in my wildest dreams thought I could have.
Here's your example, on Friday he got up at 4:30 in the morning to be at my house by 5:30 and drive me two hours to IA City for my surgery. He is not a morning person. 9:00 is early in his world. Most days WAY too early.
He sat with me and calmed my fears before the surgery, he sat in the waiting room for SEVERAL hours during the surgery and my recovery. A waiting room that I have been told was overly pack and overly heated.
He then came back and helped me get dressed as I was all loopy, helped me to my car, and proceeded to drive me the two hours back home with me semi conscious, semi talking the whole way. After we got back into town he took me to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and then made sure he ordered a pizza so I ate something. Once at my house he got me the medicines, helped me into bed and then set his alarm for ever four hours round the clock so he could get up with me and get me the correct doses as well as help me down the stairs.
M was supposed to go to work at 8:00 on Saturday and he was at my house until 2:00. He pre-approved being gone with his boss and instead of rushing off stayed with me to make sure I was feeling alright, took me out to lunch to make sure I ate something, and then called me when his shift was over to make sure I didn't need him to come back. (He wasn't heartbroken that I told him he didn't have to come back and do the every four hour thing with me again.)
That, in a nutshell, is M. Every day of every week of every month I have known him. We have had some disagreements, we have had some moments were we have both had to step back for a bit but at the end of the day he is kind and loving and treats me like I am a queen.
He is everything that my dad would want his little girl's man to be and I have NO idea how I got lucky enough to find him.
Today I am thankful for the last six months I have had with him. For the endless moments of laughter, even last night when I told him he had to stop before I busted a stitch. For the joy he has brought to my life. For the perspective and the ability to get myself out of my box.
Today I am grateful that he has helped me to see that life is not about what I can put up with or how much I can live through. It is about what I have to live FOR.....
Just on my way home now. Pretty out of it from the meds but other than that so far so good.
They said they got all of it out so it shouldn't grow back. According to M they said the scar is abt three inches longer than before. So I'm guessing about six inches.
On Monday I had my appointment with the specialist in Iowa City. I saw the orthopedic doctor on November 2nd to go over the CT results and he had confirmed that he still thought it was an osteochondroma and he still wanted to refer me to Iowa City.
Since it had taken a month and a half to see him the first time and 10 days to get back to see him the second time I was fairly surprised when they called me first thing Wednesday morning and told me that I had an appointment at 8:45 on Monday.
So... bright and early Monday morning my mom, Zack and I all loaded into the car and made the drive to Iowa City. While my appointment was at 8:45 it was close to 9:00 before I finished with the survey they make you fill out and after 10:00 before the doctor came in to see me.
He looked at the X-ray and the CT and told me that he concurred that it was an osteochondroma and that the only way to help with my pain would be for me to have surgery and remove the tumor. Because of where it is and what it is arthroscopic surgery was not an option so they will use my existing scar and then lengthen it a bit.
They will have to cut a few of the tendons that hold the muscles in place so they can lift up my shoulder blade and get the full tumor out. This should insure that it will not grow back again.
Yesterday I sent Zack back to daycare. It was the first time he had been back in a week. One solid week of moaning and crying and coughing and refusing to eat and crying and coughing and whining and oh... did I mention there was some moaning and crying with a side of whining??
Somewhere in the back of my mind I had myself convinced that because he was almost three and SOO active that he would just bounce right back from this. I thought I would take off Tuesday for the surgery, Wednesday to let him sleep a bit and by Thursday he would be playing at my parents house.
HA!!
No such luck. Wednesday he laid in a chair in our living room all day coughing and moaning and crying. I finally got him to lay down for a nap about 1:00 and he slept for 3 1/2 almost 4 hours. There was NO food intake and I was forcing him to drink by putting water into a syringe and squirting it into his mouth.
So, I took Thursday off of work and stayed home with him again. He was a bit better, although not by much. He acted like I was trying to kill him when I made him drink a bit of broth from chicken noodle soup. But amazingly he was just fine when he wanted to eat part of a Hershey's bar.
Friday I took him to my parents house. My mom finally got him to eat part of a donut on Friday morning but that was it. All he ate all day and there was a 3 1/2 hour nap in there too.
Saturday was much of the same except when he woke up about 6:30 on Saturday night he wanted pizza. Knowing that it would probably hurt his throat if it was too hard I opted for the softest pizza I could find and he ate half a piece before lying back in the chair to commence with the moaning and the coughing.
Sunday he was back to not eating anything and he also spiked a low grade fever. By Sunday evening I was pretty sure he was just going to become anorexic on me and that would be that. M came over and I'm not sure what we were talking about but at one point we mentioned something and all of the sudden Zack looked over and said, "I want a cheeseburger."
So, M went and got cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets and Zack sat down and ate 4 chicken nuggets and some french fries.
Monday I kept him home just to give him one more day to recover and he seemed to be doing fairly well so yesterday back to daycare he went.
I think last night was the first night he was finally mostly back to himself. He ate some spaghetti and passed out at 7:00. It was 7:00 this morning before I heard a peep out of him. Considering we have been up at least once to 10 times every night with him coughing and crying and carrying on, I actually had to check to make sure he was still breathing when I woke up at 6:15 and realized he hadn't been up.
Today the daycare called at 10:00 and said he was having a rough morning. Crying and saying it hurt. I told them not to make him eat if he didn't want to and to call me if he didn't settle down. They haven't called back yet.
I'm hoping that things are starting to get better. This has been a REALLY long week and it only will get longer by this weekend (another post... it's coming I promise).
Note to self, when the doctors say it could be 7 - 10 days before your child feels well again, they aren't kidding. It's just a good thing he only has one set of tonsils because I would not be volunteering to do that again ANY time soon!!
At 7:30 this morning we walked into the surgery center not sure if we were going to be able to have his surgery or not. As it turns out, while his cold was bad his lungs were clear so surgery was on.
It was almost 9:00 before they took him back and about 9:45 before we got to see him. When the doctor came out to see us he was shaking his head still commenting on the size of his tonsils. He said that when they went to put in his breathing tube the anesthesiologistscomment was, "How does he breathe with these in his throat."
So, now they are out. Along with his adenoids and his ear tubes.
He was pretty angry for the first two hours and then fell asleep in the car on the way home. As soon as I turned off the car his first words to me were I want pudding. So chocolate pudding it was.
Now we are sitting around, eating ice cream and watching movies. His next dose of medicine is in 10 minutes and I'm hoping after that I can get him to sleep for a little while.
However, he has, once again amazed me in his ability to bounce back from this. This kid is tough.
Apparently Zack and I are just a plethora of medical mysteries this month. I'll catch you up on the highlights because that really is all I have the energy for considering on top of everything else Zack decided to get a cold last night and was up no less than 5 times. Add in one time for the dogs and you've got one tired mommy.
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First up: Zack
Tomorrow he is getting his tonsils out. The comments from the doctors we have seen recently have included but are not limited to:
Wow... those are impressive and I do this for a living.
Can he breathe with his mouth closed?
Does he snore? (Yes, frequently and VERY loudly)
Does he have trouble swallowing solid food? (He's 38.5 inches tall and weighs 38 pounds does it look like he has trouble?)
So... tomorrow it is. We have to be there at 7:30 in the morning but I'm guessing they won't start surgery until 8:00 or so. My guess is by 10:00 my son will be VERY angry with me. :-(
On the upside we stocked up on Popsicles, ice cream, and chocolate pudding so with any luck I should be back in his good graces by noon.
************************** Next up: Fred (aka... the mass on my shoulder)
I had my second appointment today with the orthopedic doctor. His consensus is that it is a bone tumor. Most likely an osteocondroma which is non-cancerous but they won't know 100% until it is removed.
The CT scan showed a mass about the size of an egg that is rubbing up against my chest wall. So, bone on bone is why I am having so much pain.
My appointment was at 4:15 today and at 4:55 I was FINALLY shown back to the exam room. On the upside I was done and on my way home by 5:05 but still.... little ridiculous on the wait time.
Since it was after five the IA City doctor's office was closed so they will have to call me tomorrow to schedule the appointment. I would guess it will be another two to four weeks of waiting. Such is my life.
***************** So how about you? Any weird medical mysteries going on in your life? Or how about tonsil surgery stories? About how the mom was all worried about sending her baby off into surgery but all went perfectly fine and he was way better after it was over? I would very much like to hear one of those.
Abandoned
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I didn't mean for this space to go dark... but it sort of has. The new blog
is up and running and that feels like my new home. I'm not sure what will
becom...
