F%$#

He.
Got.
Fired.

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Dear Jake-

Two years ago you and I were given the greatest gift imaginable. As I write this he is sleeping in the other room and you are off somewhere doing God knows what. In the past eight days you have spent a grand total of four hours with him. Half of that trying to figure out how to leave him without him getting too upset.

As I watched you hold him and cry last night, promising him that you would do better, I thought perhaps... just maybe... you could understand a little of what you were missing. Yet this evening, as almost every other day in the past eight, you were too tired to visit. You needed to stay home and "relax."

A friend of mine told me perhaps it is because you didn't want a child as badly as I. Perhaps you don't really miss what you were never really sure you wanted. Yet somehow, I don't think that is the case. Perhaps he was my heart's desire but when I saw you with him, when you were you and not the disease, you were just as in love with him as I.

But now, you are the disease. When I close my eyes I see you in a long dark tunnel. When you look around you, all you see is darkness and despair but if you look far enough, squint hard enough you will see a small light at the end of that tunnel. Every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up I pray that you find your way to that light. To that place of peace and happiness that you had a year ago.

But for now, I want you to know that somewhere in the past eight days, your son has learned what an oval is. And while he might confuse the triangle for the square, he knows that there is such a thing as both a triangle and a square and that, my friend, is living proof that I am living with one of the most amazing people I could ever imagine.

Some day, when he is grown, he will form his own opinion of you, and why you were not here. I hope that he, unlike me, is able to see that daddy had a disease and that disease took him away. Because right now, I'm struggling. There is a deep sadness within me and a deep despair at the loss of the man that just a year ago I thought would be in my life forever. I am struggling to understand how you could choose that life over this one and how the disease could "win" when just a year ago we thought we had it beaten.

So, in case I forget to tell you, through all the anger and the sadness and the tears, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have given me the greatest gift I could ever imagine and I promise that I will take care of him in a way that I only wish you could. Someday, when you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope it is not too late for him to forgive you for all that you missed.

Heather

What's My Status?

This morning I was looking at my facebook profile and decided I wanted to update it a bit. So I got to the question about relationship status and was a little stumped.

Where's the button for:

For the second time in two months I had to ask my husband to leave our house after I found that he had been drinking continuing to smoke pot and he had not come home before midnight for three nights in a row and now he's moving into this little tiny apartment and I never knew it was possible to be this scared and relieved all at the same time.

In the end I picked "It's Complicated."

I think that's an understatement....

Friday Confessionals

I have drawn a line in the sand with Jake. My very first boundary that I can't take back. If he messes up, if he goes missing, if he is using our lives will change. He will be asked to move out again and the big D word will most likely be in our future.

I'm TERRIFIED of this. I have never, in my life, had a boundary that he didn't cross and a consequence that I stuck to. I'm so afraid that he will cross that line and I will make an excuse for him. That I won't be strong enough to do what I know has to be done.

I know that this is the right choice for me and for my family. I know that we can't keep living that life but as a wonderful blogger that I read said today (on a totally different topic)...

"Knowing something is right just seems so far away from getting to a place where you can be ok with it."

7th Circle of Hell

I am sorry for the quietness around here lately. Is anyone still out there? Hello??

I feel like I've sort of crossed over into my own little piece of hell where I'm reliving my life from 2 years ago and really, it's not going so well.

I e-mailed the lawyer this morning. I am seeking answers right now and have not made any permanent decisions but I am closer to leaving than I am to staying.

Right now, I'm having a REALLY hard time accepting that we went through all of the last two years for nothing. That after all of this we are spiraling right back to where we were. As far as I know he has not made the leap from pot to meth but I fear that if he doesn't take some drastic steps he will be there soon. I feel like I failed. Like I tried and I failed and now I have to explain to my son that you just can't fix some problems.

I'm sad for Jake.. and I'm sad for our family. Mostly, I'm extreemly sad for my son. I know that some people think I'm strong but I don't feel strong. I feel scared and horribly, horribly sad....

This "[...] is the brave thing to do. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure. But you're not. You're marching into the unknown, armed with... nothing."

- You've Got Mail

The Goings On

"Where have you been?"

"Dealing with things far beyond my maturity level"

-Juno

That is the only excuse that I have to offer you right now for where I have been. I'm not sure how exactly to put this eloquently so I'm just kind of going to throw it out there...

Relapse.

It is a word that I have heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon. People's husbands, children, wives, 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone. But I never thought that anyone would be me.

Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? Why did I think that I had all the answers to how to deal with the situation? Apparently, God had other plans for me. In Al-anon we work the 12 steps the same as the AA people do. And the first step is Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I thought I had this step down pat. I knew I was powerless. I understood that I couldn't control it, only really... I didn't. On January 1st I was reminded that this is a new year... and NOT a year I am in charge of. Instead I quickly learned that no amount of watching, questioning, or controlling is going to stop Jake from doing what Jake is doing. Like it or lump it....

I don't feel a lot of detail is going to really help any of us but for the record it was pot. Started after a family member had some legal troubles. (That I can't write about here) At the time I remember saying to him please talk to someone about how upset you are. These things can lead to relapse. I said them, but I never believed them...

I had started to suspect something for awhile and on New Year's day I found the evidence and I asked him to leave our house until he could decide what he wanted for his life. I've been in Al-anon long enough to know relapse happens. I don't like it, I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it and decide what I'm willing to deal with for myself.

After about a week of him being gone I had decided that if he was willing to get back into his program and pass a drug test I was willing to work on our marriage and our family. We have now started the process of reintegrating him back into our house. Things are getting better. I hated the person that he was for the last two months and I am starting to love, all over again, the person that he is when he is not using.

I could sit here and give you a thousand reasons why I have made the choices I have in the last four weeks but my choices will never be any of your choices and I'm learning very quickly that I have to make the choice that I feel is best for myself and my son at the present moment. Tomorrow, that choice might be different. And that is ok. I only have to take one day at a time.

I have started another blog, an anonymous blog, where I write much more openly about what is going on. I am open to letting some of you read it, as long as you are not related to me. I am VERY open on that blog and I don't want anyone who knows us/is related to us to be offended by things I say about myself or about Jake. That is why I have kept the blog 100% anonymous and will continue to do so.

As for us, we are taking things slowly. Tax season is going as well as can be expected. I have a fantastic support system who has stepped in to watch Zack for me on Saturday's until I feel that Jake will be able to do so. We are refinancing the house, in my name only, so in the event that something like this continues to be a problem I will be able to make sure that my son and I are taken care of.

He is, and continues to be my first priority. I put him second for the first 10 weeks of his life and I will never do that again...

Change

If Nothing Changes....
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Nothing Changes....

If we are unhappy with an aspect of our lives, we must change ourselves. Changing others is a futile attempt.

Changes are happening....

I'll try to write more soon.