Unfinished Business

Things are still pretty much up in the air with everything right now.

Zack has to go to FoTB's house this weekend and quite frankly it makes me want to throw up. BUT... lacking any new evidence and the fact that the police did not see grounds to file any charges we are sort of stuck in limbo.

He and his girlfriend called us on Friday night, we talked for about an hour. 15 minutes of it with her because he stormed out of the house to throw a fit and take off on a motorcycle ride. Her I can deal with... him... not so much. At one point he told us that he had to have his mom come over when we did pickup before because he was so angry that we had talked to the police and DHS and he couldn't control nor be responsible for what he did when he was angry.

Why yes, yes this is the sort of person I want around my child.... (please read the sarcasm in that statement)

As for Zack, he started meeting with a counselor last Wednesday. He comes highly recommended and if he finds that Zack is continuing to have anxiety regarding visits and that he thinks they should be shortened or lessened then we will try to get that done. At a bare minimum we would at least like to make them easier for Zack and from what we've been told this is the place to start.

Unfortunately, when you start any journey it just takes time. We only meet with him once a week and it could take him several weeks before he starts to get anything useful out of the sessions. So for now... we wait....

On another front, we got the entire wedding ceremony written out yesterday (Probably 10 - 15 minutes) and in about an hour we will be going to get our marriage license so things are definitely moving forward on that front. Only 16 more days....

Feeling Defeated

Once again I have done everything that I know of to keep my son safe and once again he has fallen through the cracks.

FoTB lied to the police, I'm assuming he lied to DHS as well. The word from the police is that he stayed out there until the boys went to sleep (he did not, Zack said they were alone in the tent and it was dark and scary) and then he got up twice to check on them in the night. I'm SURE he did not... I would bet large sums of money on it in fact....

BUT... because it now becomes his word against ours, there is nothing they can do. I'm assuming that the findings by DHS will be much of the same and we are back to square one. Nothing was fixed and now things are worse between me and FoTB than they were before. Last night he made his mom come with him to pick up Zack at 5:00 and when we got there to pick up Zack at 7:00 he opened the door, shoved him out and closed it. How in the world are we supposed to discuss ANYTHING that may come up regarding Zack when he acts like a little kid?

So right now I just feel defeated.... again....

We have hired a counselor for Zack. Someone to try to make this all easier for him because no one will listen to us. No one will listen to the fact that Zack still hates going there, still cries when he has to talk to FoTB on the phone still doesn't want to be over there for more than a couple of hours. I just hope maybe someone will listen to this guy....

I'm considering a gallon of ice cream and a LONG nap... think it will help??

Red Tape

On Saturday FoTB left Zack and an 8 year old boy in a tent in their back yard alone, all night, unsupervised.

I don't even know where else to go with that. Into what would have happened if he would have left the tent and walked into one of the three really major roads all within 2 - 10 blocks of him? Or fallen into the pond 10 blocks away? Or fallen into a neighbors pool? Or been taken by someone? Or any other number of things that could have happened to my four year old overnight with no adult supervision.....

I am sick to my stomach. I have been sick to my stomach for two days. I am pulling out every stop I know. DHS, Police Department, Lawyer, Counselor, I keep running into red tape at every turn. What he did was bad, very, very bad parenting in fact but is it illegal... well... we are not sure. It may not be bad enough...

I do not want to wait for what he does with my son to be bad enough.... I do not want my son to have to be the example... the one that got really hurt before they would do anything.

One Month

One month from today I will be getting ready for my wedding....

One month from today I will be walking down a makeshift isle towards a man who loves me and my son despite any feelings of "brokenness" I have sometimes felt.

One month from today we will be celebrating our new life together with our family and friends.

One month from today I will once again be someones wife.

One month can't come soon enough....

Who's Best Interest?

When we were working with DHS they continually told us it was in Zack's best interest to have a relationship with and/or contact with his biological father. At the beginning, I somewhat agreed. I didn't have Jim in my life (Our first date was the same day as FoTB's first visit with Zack) and I wanted to make sure he had at least some male influence in his life.

Now, the farther we get into this, the less I believe that may be the case.

At this point there is nothing I can or will do about it. I have said from the beginning that I will allow FoTB to be in Zack's life as long as he is sober and it will be Zack's choice to make up his own mind about him but it still makes me wonder if I mad the right choice.

For Zack, at four years old his mind is already pretty much made up about things. Over the last two or three months we have had several instances in which Zack has told me that something his dad did was wrong or not nice.

Two months ago Zack started not wanting to stay the night over there. Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it is the fact that they do not have a room for him so he has to sleep in FoTB's girlfriend's son's room. Maybe it is the fact that they do not have a single toy over there that is his. (We have one Iron Man we send back and forth with him so he will have something that is just his not J's toy that he can play with when he is there). Perhaps it is a million other reasons. We have asked him and gotten no real answers.

The point is, he didn't want to be there. And he told me so... several times. My only answer to him was that FoTB wanted to spend time with him too and that he would have to talk to him about coming home as I couldn't make him send Zack home. So one weekend he got up the courage to tell them. He was very vocal about it, in fact, and he told them he didn't want to stay the night.

He wanted to go home and sleep and come back in the morning. And do you know what these two lovely people told my four year old??

"You can't go home because your mom will get in trouble if you go home. This is our time with you and if she tells you that you can go home or if she comes and gets you she can get in a lot of trouble."

Do you have any idea what "Mom will be in trouble" means to a child who has witnessed domestic violence?

When we first picked him up he was sad. We asked him why and he told us he wanted to come home and his dad wouldn't let him. I told him that dad did let him call me (twice that weekend and he has NEVER let him call me before or since so I knew something was up) and his answer to me was I didn't want to call you I wanted to come home.

Strike one for FoTB. His answer then was that was not very nice of dad to not let me come home.

Then Monday night he started telling the story of the night FoTB was arrested again. He hadn't told that story in several months and so it seemed odd to us that he was telling it again out of no where. That Tuesday my niece came over to watch him. I'm fairly certain on any given day he would pick her over me... hands down. He LOVES her. And he cried... and cried... and cried when it was time for bed. He was scared, he missed me, etc.

Finally by Wednesday morning I had started to put two and two together and I sent Jim and email. Sure enough, a four year old who has witnessed domestic violence believes that when Mommy is in trouble it means that FoTB was going to come to our house and scream at me and throw things at my head again.

Strike two for FoTB. And Zack's answer once Daddy (Jim) explained to him that was never going to happen again and that he would keep Zack and me safe no matter what. "That was not very nice of my dad to say that."

Strike three was the motorcycle...

And just for good measure we throw in last night. Last night when we picked up Zack he was sitting on the front porch with FoTB while J and the neighborhood kids were playing in the driveway and the front of the house.

When he got in the car he was clearly pissed off. I asked him what was wrong and his answer was that my dad made me sit on the step with him and he wouldn't let me play with any of the other kids. I asked him what he had done wrong and his answer was nothing. (Zack usually cops to it if he is in trouble.) So I asked why he had to sit on the step and his answer was that Dad wanted to spend time with me so he said I couldn't play with the other kids.

Strike four.... "I am very mad that dad made me sit on the step. I wanted to play with the other kids. That was not very nice of him."

So, who's best interest are we really serving here? Zack's or FoTB's??

Frustrated

On Saturday FoTB took my four year old on a motorcycle ride.

(As a side note: I know of at least a couple readers who have let their kids on a motorcycle or have watched other relatives kids on motorcycles ... this is not a judgement of you, it is strictly my opinion.)

I am 100% against young children on motorcycles. Why?

Let me count the reasons:

1. They are incredibly dangerous if an adult is in an accident, what do you think would happen to a child


2. They are heavy, if one falls over on a child it could crush the child and I know more than anyone that you do not need a head injury to die, it almost happened to my sister


3. There are people who have died because their motorcycle was rear ended, or in a minor accident that someone would have easily survived if they had been in a car


4. Just staying in a subdivision or going slowly does not mitigate the risks, what if a teenager is distracted and hits the motorcycle. Your going at a slow rate of speed but you wobble a little... where does your child go? On the pavement? What if the bike falls over... you break your leg, your child breaks their pelvis or crushes their internal organs.


5. Do I need to go on?

On top of the fact that I am against children on motorcycles, no matter the speed and where they go (i.e. it was just around our neighborhood) the fact that FoTB was driving it, one of the worst drivers on the planet, makes it 10 times worse.

Two weeks ago we picked up Zack from FoTB's house. On our way home this car FLEW past me and almost rear ended a semi. I thought it was a drunk driver from how erratically they were driving until I realized it was FoTB. I called Jim on his cell phone to confirm (he was about 500 yards in front of me) and he looked over to his left just in time to see FoTB fly by him. Yup... it was him. He then proceeded to weave in and out of traffic and left the road onto the shoulder no less than three times.

In fact, when he got said motorcycle a week ago I said to Jim, "Well, now I know how he is going to die." So the fact that he has my four year old on this bike, with his driving skills, compounds my fear.

On Monday night I tried talking to him. His answers were as follows, "We were not going to let either boy (his girlfriend has an 8 year old) ride the motorcycle again until we got them a helmet." Again... what will the helmet do if the bike falls on him and crushes his body? "You can't live in a bubble honey." #1... I am NOT your honey, #2... I don't think asking you not to take a four year old on a motorcycle is living in a bubble.

Since Iowa has seat belt laws and car seat laws I figured I would just talk to someone who knew the law, have them tell me OF COURSE that is illegal and have that to throw back at him. Unfortunately, it is not. According to the two police officers we talked to it is not illegal because no one thought it necessary to make a law about common sense and that no one was stupid enough to take a four year old on a motorcycle. Ahhh... they are wrong. I know someone.

The officers did tell us if they ever saw someone riding on the road with a child they would pull them over and offer them a stern talking to about how dangerous it was but they couldn't do much else.

So I contacted our DHS worker. Her answer was the same, it is not illegal so she can not stop him from doing it but she thought it was VERY dangerous and couldn't believe he would put his son in that position.

Finally, I moved on to my lawyer. Her answer was similar. A judge probably couldn't enforce that as it becomes Zack's word against FoTB unless we actively catch him on the motorcycle however, I could take him back to court and if the judge rules the activity too dangerous he could possibly take away visits or make them supervised again.

At the end of our conversation I did tell FoTB that I thought what he was doing was illegal and knowing him as I do he will probably not look it up so perhaps it will never happen again. After I told him that he told me he would "respect my wishes" and not take Zack out again. Which means, he has not thought at all about the ramifications of having Zack on there and instead is just saying he won't because I told him not to.

I told the lawyer I would contact her if he put Zack on the bike again and we would proceed with going back to court if we had to. In the end I'm just frustrated. The police officers, the DHS people, the lawyers all of them tell me how dangerous this is and how he should NOT be doing it yet not one of them can do anything to help me because no one would be dumb enough to do that would they?

I know someone.....

Group Invite

We sent out our wedding inviations a few weeks ago. All of our RSVP's are online except for about 10. The people we knew were not tech savy or the older generation all received paper RSVP postcards.

Yesterday we received one back from one of Jim's relatives. We invited a husband and wife. They RSVP'd for six people....

No, you did not read that incorrectly... SIX...

They wrote in "6 six" so we would be sure to understand. There was no mistake.

WTH?? I'm so confused. Did they invite friends? Are they bringing their neighbors??

We asked his mom and her answer was she didn't know. We didn't invite their daughter or any of her three kids so they shouldn't be RSVPing for anyone besides themselves??

Should we call them and inquire? Would it be rude to send a follow up RSVP card with a little note saying perhaps you didn't understand the first one.... we invited two people... not six could you try this again?