Friday, November 19, 2010

Two Daddies

I just received a comment from B on my last post asking, in effect if I was bragging about Zack calling Jim dad and encouraging me not to put Zack in the middle or to make him pick. The rest of her comment was overwhelmingly positive and I don't think she meant any harm or was trying to "call me out" in a way, just basically asking if I had thought of these things.

And it's ironic to me the timing of her comment. Just a mere 5 minutes earlier I had hung up the phone with FoTB. So B... in answer to your question, yes... every single day.

The purpose of our call today, was not because of the previous post, but rather the one before that. Once again last night, and this morning Zack told me he didn't want to go. Once again on the way to daycare he asked me if he called me if I could come and pick him up.

So today, instead of feeling bad about it or rooting for him to hate it there so we win and our house is better I picked up the phone and called FoTB. (I'll write a post about it later but I can tell this one will be long so I'm going to leave it as it's own post.)

Let me back track a bit. Because I have sort of dropped out of blogging and then come back only for bits and pieces you all have missed a lot. My effort to keep some of my private life private has left you out of a few things you probably need to know to understand the last couple of posts I have put up.

So here goes:

Do I wish FoTB would go away? Am I happy beyond belief that Zack loves and respects Jim as a dad?


Am I going to do anything about it besides be frustrated and happy as hell in my own head?

Absolutely not.

When I divorced FoTB I had the option to fight for sole custody of Zack. And most likely could have won sole custody of Zack. FoTB had just been arrested, was hanging out in jail and was, by all accounts, no where close to a model citizen.

I said it then and I will say it again... that is NOT my relationship to end. If he is sober, and he wants to be in Zack's life, that is their relationship to figure out, not mine to take away. Now obviously there are SEVERAL safe guards in our divorce decree to keep Zack safe. I'm not the woman who takes my kid over to his baby daddy's house with the drugs all around and the unsafe people and says here... it's your turn.

But, as long as he is sober and making an effort, it is not my place to stand in the way of that.

Now I'm not going to lie to you and say I don't wish every day it was different. In my book he is not worthy of having time with Zack. I want him to disappear and never come back. Obviously, I divorced him. But I would never EVER let Zack know that. I would never EVER tell Zack that he has to pick one over the other or that one is better than the other.

He knows he has two daddies who both love him very much and he knows that he never has to pick between either of them. When he asks me why he has to go to FoTB's I tell him he will have fun and that daddy wants to spend time with him. I would never tell him I don't want you to go there either or I know it's not fair. I just remind him of the fun stuff he does and let him know that I will be back on Sunday to get him.

It kills me to do it. I would love for it to just be the three of us, but again... that is not a decision I get to make. As much as I hate it, my job as his parent is to love him and encourage him in his relationship with FoTB as long as that relationship stays positive.

And I know, there are going to be those of you out there shaking your heads at me for being so honest here but really.... I divorced one and I'm marrying the other. Obviously I think one is better. Obviously Zack knows I love Daddy Jim much more than FoTB. I live with him, I tell him I love him, etc.

But I would never make Zack pick. Please know that as much as I may not show it or tell you about it here, I do not make Zack feel in any way like he needs to like or love one more than the other.

As far as he is concerned he is just one lucky little boy with extra love from two families.


Anonymous said...

I'm just curious to know if you have asked Zack exactly why he doesn't want to go to FotB's house? Perhaps something happened that makes him uncomfortable to be there. Zack is a very bright and perceptive boy. It might make a difference if he could talk about it.
Aunt Cindy

kbreints said...

I love your honesty. i would expect nothing else, and with that honesty always comes others opinions...

Laura said...

I respect you very much for not talking badly about your ex to your son. I'm sure it's hard, but it's his dad so as you say, best for him to come to his own conclusions in time and figure that relationship out.

Kelly said...

These situations can be so hard. I think that what you are doing is so tough (mostly for you, it's hard to hold your tongue sometimes, I know!), but in the long run, it is what is best. Nothing positive comes from speaking negatively. Nothing. It looks bad coming from you, may make Zack think ill of you at some point (probably way down the line, but still), and gives FotB attention he probably doesn't deserve (like you said, you divorced him for a reason.)

Stay strong in this. In the long run it will make Zack respect you and Daddy Jim, for being the strong parents you are and have always been for him.

Kelly said...
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