Monday, November 22, 2010

He's not a posession

I must apologize up front if any of what I say doesn't make sense or seems to ramble at times. I am extremely livid at the moment and really just need a place to vent before I explode.

I wrote the last post because I was sort of called out on being excited that Zack had picked sides. And I tried, possibly very badly, to explain that his relationship with FoTB was his to figure out and I would never encourage him one way or the other.

HOWEVER... what I left out was that I'm not necessarily excited THAT Zack has picked (because he has... we all know it, let's not sugar coat it....) I'm just ecstatic that he has someone he CAN pick who is loving, and decent and not completely self absorbed and self centered.

Case in point:

"It is MY time with him... he can't go there."

"Of course I don't know that he has a field trip. Why would I look at the calendar? I'm not there to do that, I'm there to pick up MY son."

"I miss you... do you miss me?"

"I love you... do you love me?"

"We have plans today, he can't go." And then when I get there, they have done NOTHING all day.

This last one, is the one that has me up in arms today. This is the second, possibly the third time, he has denied Zack the ability to go and do something he would really enjoy because they have "plans" only for me to get there and discover that they have done nothing all day and he simply didn't want Zack to go because it was "his time" and he was not giving it up.

Zack is not a possession. He is a little boy and the reason he doesn't like going to FoTB's and the reason he has so clearly chosen Jim over him is because Jim and I do not treat him like one. Now I realize that every child can't do every thing they want. I realize that sometimes people have plans and up until this point, I've just kind of let things ride. Up until this point what he's missed has only been stuff with Jim and I and/or our families.

This weekend he missed a birthday party. A party for one of his very bestest friends. Zack and her have been almost inseparable since the baby room and this weekend, instead of bowling with her and the rest of his friends he sat in FoTB's living room and played by himself because he didn't want to take him and he didn't want to allow me to take him.

Believe me, I offered. I called him and asked him last week if he could take Zack to the party or if I could pick him up, take him and then bring him back. Now mind you, he lives 20 minutes from me and from where the party was. So I was offering to spend 80 extra minutes in the car just so Zack could go because I knew it was a big deal to him to be able to go. It was what all the kids in his class were talking about last week.

But no... they had plans. His girlfriends cousin was coming and she was bringing her kid and they wanted Zack to be there to meet her and to play. It would be fun for him.....

Translation: I don't want to drive him all the way over there and I don't want you to take him because I would miss out on "MY TIME" with him and it's all about "MY TIME" so I'm going to tell you we are busy.

When I got there yesterday, once again Zack looked sad and tired. There were three women I didn't know in their kitchen and a one year old toddling around. There is no way in HELL this one year old was playing with Zack. He was in the living room playing by himself. When FoTB's girlfriend introduced me to her friends I said I'm Zack's mom and one of them hit me with, "Zack, oh... we haven't seen Zack yet. Is he here?"

And all that flashed through my mind at that point was anger. Anger and smart ass thoughts that I wanted SOO badly to say but kept to myself.

They were getting ready to eat. They made and entire dinner and never once asked if Zack could stay to eat. If it was that important to you that he was there don't you think you would have asked if he could stay?

When I asked Zack what he did all weekend he told me he just played. When I asked him if he had fun, he told me no. Then in the car, on the way home, he fell asleep again. Because I don't think he naps there and I don't think he sleeps enough, or very well, at night.

And somewhere between then and now I have been trying desperately not to pick up my phone and call FoTB and explain to him that next time there is a party for Zack he will be going, whether he takes him or I take him. That next time it is "HIS TIME" and all he is going to do is sit around and have Zack play by himself that there will be no "HIS TIME." I want so badly to just scream at him to stop being a selfish F^%$ and think about his son. Not his possession but a living breathing almost four year old child.

But alas, Jim has convinced me not to. He has reminded me, in his ever infinite wisdom, that I have been saying these things to him over and over again for fourteen years and nothing has changed yet. That I, DHS and a counselor all told him these things over and over again for the past year and it has made not one bit of difference so realistically, what good is it going to do for me to tell him one more time?

And so what it leaves me with... is just a large sense of anger and frustration. The courts think he needs time with his son. They want to force Zack to be over there until he is 18 years old. To make him spend time with a man who shows up because he feels like he has some sort of claim over Zack.

So to swing back full circle to the post I put up last week, this is why I may sound like I am happy that Zack has essentially chosen Jim. This is why I'm thrilled beyond belief that he calls him dad. Because it means he has one. Because it means that despite the POS I married and divorced who will never, ever be capable of putting Zack first or showing Zack how a true man should live and act, he HAS someone in his life that will.

He has someone who loves and cherishes him the way a real dad should. Someone who puts him first and never treats him like something he owns. Someone who knows that Zack's love is earned not required and someone who would never put his own happiness before his son's.


kbreints said...

You should not be the only parent that is wanting to take him to these birthday parties. If he was a real father he would want to be involved in meeting these kids and their parents and if the parties are during his visits, he should want to take him.

He is a POS, and just because he is having him over to where he lives -- does not mean that he is spending anytime with him.

I think that it is almost worse to be ignored in the presence of a person-- (ex. playing by himself all day long) then him not being around at all.

Again-- none of this is surprising, just sad for Zack, and frustrating for you!

Amanda said...

Okay, everything I was going to say has already been taken. So I can only say, "I agree!" Vehemently.

Jessica said...

Heather - you KNOW how I feel; I am not going to beat a dead horse but I will point out as a child of a POS father....

Every time you point out a fault, a scenerio where he (FoTB) could have and didn't, a time he was less than, you are inadvertantly reminding Zack of all the things his father could have or should have done and didn't.
If it were me; it would add to the overwhelming feeling of "why".

WHY didn't he, WHY doesn't he, WHY can't I, WHY can't he....etc.

Something that is impossible for a person to understand until they have had a father that was less than; a father that didn't want them or in "J"s case didn't know how to want them.

You are an amazing mother and at some point the joy you and Jim have found and the treasure Jim is giving Zack by vowing to be in his life forever will outweight what Zack doesn't have.

What he has found in Jim is a gift!

What you have found together as a family is bliss!

AND if you let it...the rest will be shadowed out by this bright light in your new Byer family.

Heather said...

Don't misunderstand.... any faults that are pointed out are between Jim and I. While I don't like the guy I will never bad mouth him or point out his faults to Zack. It is up toZack to make up his own mind about FoTB.

Anonymous said...

Trust me, I know the frustrations of this. Been there. Until my son was old enough and say these things to his dad, it never changed. One thing I did do (that only worked sometimes, but sometimes is better than never) is switch weekends. It sucked at first cuz my ex always said no. Until HE had a family thing and needed to switch weekends. Then when stuff like this cam up, every now and then he would switch too! Just a thought, and hope it helps. Bravo for keeping poor Z out of it. Maybe someday your ex will understand.

Jessica said...

I didn't mean to say that you were badmouthing him in front of Zack. I don't think that you are. That is not what I hoped you would take away from all that I said.

My mom NEVER badmouthed my BioF when I was growing up. It wasn't until I was in highschool and college; old enough to have concluded my own opinions. Even then she didn't badmouth him; she just told me things that happened.

I was smart enough my entire life to pick up on all the Why's and What If's as Spike is too.

For me; it helped that my mom acted oblivious to the fact that he could have acted any other way. Because then I felt like it really was him and not me.

That is why I went on to say....As hard as it may be and as much as your heart breaks for Spike...if you could let the light of what you have found shadow the other things out; Zack may never weigh credit on the Why's because he won't know that it could have been any different than it was.