Monday, April 30, 2007

Not Getting Easier

I know some of you are probably getting sick of my continual saga. I can tell because my comments have dwindled, although my hit counter still shows about 30-50 hits per day, apparently those people are not interested enough to comment.

However, it is my life and there really is NOTHING else going on with me. So, take it or leave it.

Our weekend was good. We went and saw Jake Friday, Saturday and Sunday. On Friday the woman from the long-term program called me and told me to send the check for Jake's first 21 days which basically means that they have all of his paperwork and he has been accepted she just needs the check to assign him a date to start.

Starting would be great.

As for me, I find myself somewhat overwhelmed today. I have spent most of my afternoon getting caught up on other peoples blogs and trying to forget what is going on in my life. It is not that everything is so different today. It's not. It is basically exactly what it has been for a month I just think it is finally all hitting me today.

I looked into Al-Anon meetings today but when I went to the website it looks like they are geared towards family members of alcoholics. Now while Jake may also be one of those that is not the main support I need right now. I need family members of drug addicts and I'm not sure that's what this is. So, I e-mailed the Iowa chapter of NA and asked them what they recommend. I have not heard back.

For some reason I kept thinking that this would get easier but it has not. Probably because I never really dealt with it during tax season. Who knows. But let me tell you, every day it is different, but never better. Zack changes every day. So while he can now entertain himself more he also sleeps less so it is like a trade off.

I feel like my house is still in a constant uproar. Jess has helped me tremendously with getting things organized but I still have a long way to go. I feel like I take two steps forward and then one step back. Every day I bring home 3-5 dirty outfits from daycare so I am continuously doing laundry and I NEVER get it put away. It's not like I don't try.

Last night I had large plans to get some things done. HaHaHa!! Zack screamed. Oh yes, and then he screamed some more and when he was finished with that, oh yeah.. there was more screaming. At one point I had to take him outside and walk around with him for 45 minutes just to keep him halfway calm. FINALLY at 8:15 I gave him his second bottle in an hour and he passed out.

Well by that point I had to eat and then get his stuff ready for daycare today and it was close to 9:45 by the time I got all of that done. I have mail stacked up on every flat surface in the house and laundry on the ones that don't hold mail. And then there are the floors. I own a Roomba, I really need to run it. But it takes effort to move the chairs and to remember it BEFORE I am 2 miles down the road.

The one thing I do need to make a priority out of though is the extermination. Yesterday there was a spider in my window. A furry black spider probably about the size of a quarter or a half dollar. I DON"T DO SPIDERS!!! Nor will I react well if my son is playing on the floor this summer and picks one up. EWW!! My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Does anyone know how expensive it is to hire an exterminator??




Ok, I think I have been severely side tracked. This post had a point. I PROMISE. And the point is... oh hell who knows. I'm having a self pity day today. My birthday is on Wednesday, I'm all alone in my house and I think I am SERIOUSLY pre-menstrual because I am crying at EVERYTHING today!!

Every day things are different here but they have yet to get any easier. When does that happen?? I am getting things done but there always seem to be more things right around the corner. Anyone got some extra cash so I can take a vacation???


Tink said...

No comments doesn't people aren't reading. It means they're listening. Not talking. I'm sure they'll pick up if you need advice. Right now it just seems like you need a listening ear. ((HUG))

Laura said...

I second what Tink said - I still read whenever you post with interest (and compassion for your current situation), but I can't relate so I often feel like I don't have anything helpful to contribute in the comments. So I keep quiet. But I'm still here listening :) I find it really eye-opening to see what real life is like with one family member dealing with an addiction problem. It has really broken down a lot of preconceptions for me and I really thank you for that.

I'm sorry you're having a tough day. I don't know what to say to make things any better or easier for you, but I hope you have a better day tomorrow and feel better soon.

Krista said...

I'm not sure it is going to get easier any time soon. But you can do it. Being a single mom is TOUGH and exhausting and you have to have realistic expectations of what else you can acomplish other than being a mom. And being a single mom would have been hard enough, but you are also focusing a lot of your energy on getting Jake the help he needs and visiting him. One person can only do so much. I think you have been incredibly brave and done very well.

By the way, I checked out the new pictures on Zack's site, they are gorgeous, he is one adorable little guy!

Lynanne said...

Don’t feel bad about the lack of comments. The fact that people are still visiting shows that they are still reading. You are going through something so complex and difficult right now that it might be hard for people (or at least me – I shouldn’t speak for others) to figure out the right words to say. I do hope you continue posting about your journey. Hopefully it helps both you and others.

Good for you for looking for sources of support. I hope you can find a group that can help!

Don’t worry about the house. If you pluck Zack’s next outfit from a laundry basket full of clean clothes, so what? Who says they have to be neatly put away? I’ve done it many times. It may not be your ideal world, but sometimes you have to prioritize and let some things go.

I’m relieved to see someone else is having a self pity day too. I’ve had several of those lately. (for no good reason) We’ve not even hit the colic stage yet. Bleah…

Oh, and the baby eating several times in an hour -- its called cluster feeding and it reminds me of the other cluster f-word that describes everything going wrong at once (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Hang in there!

OMH said...

Cut yourself some slack girl!!!!! You might want to read some of your posts from last year after Tax season was over. If I recall (and I didn't go back and read) you felt buried some then - we all do after a big thing like that. On top if TAX season this year you've dealt with Zack - Jake etalll....... You deserve to feel overwhelmed! You deserve a few pity days - blog on my friend - I only wish I lived close to you and knew you in person and could come help - I'm a PRO at getting laundry done/folded/ and put away. Take on one or tasks at a time - i.e. gather all the MAIL put it in a laundry basket and sit down watch some TV go through it one at a time - seperating trash/junk from bills and interesting things. You will have 1/2 the mail if not 1/3 of it to deal with. Then start stacking the laundry in the rooms they belong in and slowly work on those rooms - put Zack in his crib and put up all his clothes while talking to him and singing silly songs etc...... you will be on top of it in NO TIME!

gemma said...

as has already been said, i read your posts and feel such compassion for you, also that you are such a strong person - amazing and very brave - but unable to comment as i'm fortunate never to have been in your situation.

rest assured that i read the blog each day and think of u and pray for u each day too. keep the blogs coming so that we know what to think of and pray for.....i pray tomorrow will be a good day, that you will have an easy start to the day adn get out in good time.

i think you are a strong and determined person - zack is a real sweetie and blessed to have you as his lovely mum! keep on the journey......keep smiling.....may the good days far outweigh the diffiuclt days. we love you - here's a hug! x

spellconjurer said...

I comment! Sometimes I feel like a dork, or that you'll think I'm a stalker or something cause I want to be a real/normal friend, but well that's just completely impossible and if I even admit that in a comment, then I've probably made myself LOOK like a stalker but I'm not, and well I'm just so proud of you I can't even say. I have 3 children so I know how difficult it can be, and that you do it so alone is incredible. That you stand by Jake is unbelievable. Your strength is fantastic. So there, I commented,,,dork alert, dork alert, dork alert.