Monday, April 2, 2007

Loosing my shit...

Well, I held it together this long it's about time things fall apart huh? Today is a BAD day!! Actually the whole rest of the weekend after I left work on Saturday was bad.

I left work early on Saturday to go see Jake because he wanted to see Zack awake and I really wanted him to see Zack awake. His sister had seen him on Friday night and said he seemed good so I was excited that he would be in a good mood. He even called me right at 2:00 to see if I was there yet. However, that was the best thing that happened on that visit.

As soon as I mentioned to him that I had found a place that was willing to take him after he got out of MECCA he got really defensive. Basically the jest of what I got from him was that it is my fault that he is in there and maybe I should think about things a little more before I go sticking him in a place like that and I can make him do 30 days of treatment but I can't make him do anymore and he's not going to.

Then he got up and walked out on us. So I was left there, holding my son in shock. I couldn't go after him because kids are not allowed on the floor so I just packed Zack up and headed out. I tried to call him on the way home but what I got from him was that he was moving away as soon as he got out and he didn't really care if he ever saw his son again.

Then his sister tried to call him and he wouldn't even come to the phone. He finally called me back around 7:00 and apologized but was still very angry. He then asked me to bring Zack on Sunday to see him since he didn't get to see him much on Saturday.

I had not made up my mind as to whether I would do it or not when the phone rang on Sunday morning. It was him telling me that kids couldn't come visit that day so that made that choice easy for me. Later that afternoon I spoke with a family friend who's husband is in treatment right now. She basically told me that he went through MECCA twice and it is a joke.

So, knowing that I called Jake again last night to try to discuss with him how I was just wanting him to get help and didn't think MECCA would be enough. He went off on me again saying you can't make me do 6 months of treatment. However when I reminded him that the DHS lady thought he needed more than 30 days and so did the officer who was considering charging him with the theft of the trailer he said well than I guess I will have to do what I have to do.

I'm just angry and hurt right now. I want him to do the additional treatment but I want HIM to WANT to do it not to just do it because he HAS to do it. If he does it because he has to then he will go right back to drugs as soon as he gets the opportunity.

I just feel very lost right now. I think Jess is right, I miss the vision that I had of Jake as a father, I'm not sure I really miss what he was. I just need to get things straight in my head. So much of what I think I miss I'm not sure if is really something I ever had or something I just hoped to have. Does that make sense?

I'm not sure I know what it would be like to have a normal life with Jake but there is a part of me that desperately wants to find out. Then there is another part of me that is screaming for me to run while I can. My head is swimming and I am DESPERATELY trying to tread water before I drown.


Lindsay said...

You said before that you knew Jake had a drug problem like 2 months after you met him so how do you really know what he is like clean so how can you miss anything. You probably already know my feeling on the matter. I have never liked him from the beginning, sorry but its tough love. There's so much better out there and it's time to cut your losses and move on. Life will be a lot better on the other side.

OMH said...

I'm sorry you lost it - I understand how hard it is after you lose it to get back on top (next to or someplace besides UNDER) a situation so I'm hear offering my hands as help to boost up again.

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time - know that I support you whatever decision you make and even though I'm just an internet friend or "fake friend" as I've heard us referred to - I'm reading your updates, hurting for you and praying for you! Hopefully that keeps you from feeling so alone!

Krista said...

There is no right or wrong answer to this dilema right now. You can't know what Jake could be as a father or what your "normal" life would be like unless Jake is willing to go there. And unfortunately, the only one who can make that choice is Jake. The only choice you have is how long you are willing to wait for him to make that choice.

That may sound very judgemental, especially from someone you don't know. I don't mean it to be. I just know that addictions aren't broken by other's best intentions. As someone who has watched someone struggle with alcoholism and then watched them get and stay dry (well.. for 9 years)after 30 years of drinking I know that no matter what loved ones say or do, nothing works until the person is willing to do it for themselves. And he didn't want to stay in treatment either. He went in for 30 days initially and it was recomended he do 4 months at a private place. He balked, he was told if he didn't not to come home. He eventually chose to go through the treatment but it was a real tough time for everyone. That doesn't mean I think you should make the same tough love choice, I think you should understand that only Jake can make your dreams of that normal family come true. And if he is not willing or able to, then you have to decide where to go from there.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope Jake choses his family.

JessOlson said...

I have to say as you already know, I agree with Lindsay. I have learned to hold back some of my tough love as I have said many hurtful things in the past desperately trying to get you to see what all of us can already see.
During the time that you and I have been friends and Jake and you have been doing "this" it is clear to me that you see Jake in a state of wistfulness. When you love someone you see what you want them to be rather than what they really are. (Like Shane sees me as a skinny beauty queen - Just Kidding - but I made you smile!)
Jake is not a bad person but he knows full well the decisions that he makes and so far there isn't anyone or anything that will make him change them.
I know too that you are frustrated at the lack of visitors he has had. I can't so as though I blame them for not going to see him. I am not sure at this point if it would help because like you said Jake isn't doing this because he wants to.
I love Jake's family they have been nothing but loving and kind to Shane and I and in many senses a second family, I have taken a liking to your family to Heather. I have learned a very hard and painful lesson...Sometimes your family and friends can see things that you can't or don't. After all they ONLY have your best interest at heart!
I will be your friend no matter what, but you are not a failure or any less of a woman or wife if you say enough is enough. It takes a lot of strength and courage to make that decision.
As always let me know if there is anything I can do....Shane and I are here for you!
I will even loan him to you for a nice fun evening (get your mind out of the gutters people - I don't mean it that way) so you can learn and see what normalcy is like. Then you will know what you are missing and what you deserve.

Lynanne said...

I know it seems like I'm restating the obvious, but Jake is still very, very sick. This kind of behavior is manipulative, plain and simple. He's lashing out at you and saying and doing things that are very hurtful in order to get what he wants. Threats have a lot of power when they come from someone you love. That's not a criticism of Jake. It's a ugly, ugly, disease.

There probably will be more of this before it gets better. There is nothing wrong with stepping back and saying, "I love you, but I won't let you do this to me." I wish I had advice to offer beyond that. Maybe Jake's doctor or the treatment staff can suggest how you can respond and support him without being hurt by him?

You are very wise to want Jake to want the treatment himself. He will be an addict for the rest of his life, just as someone with alcoholism is forever an alcoholic. That doesn't mean he will be a user. But he has to want to get clean and stay clean.

I'm not surprised you feel like you're losing it. You are an amazingly strong person to have kept it together this long. If it's any comfort, I've found that when my world seems shattered into millions of pieces, I gain strength and learn more about myself as I pick up each piece, examine it and put it back again.

Your last two paragraphs make a lot of sense. It sounds like whatever you choose to do, you have put a lot of thought into this. All the best to you during these difficult times!

Anonymous said...

This is your chance! Run! He will not change! You said you are strong. Staying with Jake is weak. Doing what is right for you and your son is real strength. Heather, I know you can do it!

Tink said...

I'm not going to tell you whether you should stay with Jake or not. That's your decision. You need to make that on your own, for the good of you and your son.

But hear this...

My father was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I caught him with a hooker when I was ten. He used my Christmas money to pay her. I loved him. I wanted him to change. I thought he would for ME. He was always in and out of rehab, prison, the hospital. It would get better for a month or two, only to go back to what it was (if not worse).

Most addicts don't/can't/won't change. They hurt without meaning to, driven by their urges and fueled by the high it can get them. DON'T risk your or your son's safety and happiness for a lost cause. Set a line for yourself right now. Help Jake until he crosses it. But never stop thinking of yourself and your son first OK?