Monday, April 2, 2007

Thank you...

Now excuse me while I go in the corner and stick my fingers in my ears and rock back and forth saying na na na na na...

No really, I appreciate that all of you are so concerned for me and Zack and I really appreciate all of your support. It keeps me going to know that people are rooting for us. (Except for my sister apparently who never liked my husband... although I'm just finding this out now 10 years later... but I think that's another blog entirely.)

ANYWAY... I have taken today and made some decisions about my life. Obviously not what anonymous would want me to do although since they will not identify themselves I don't know how much I can listen to them anyway. :-)

For better or worse I married Jake. I love him for better or worse and trust me when I tell you this is definitely on the worse end of the spectrum. Right now he is sick and just like if he had cancer I am not going to abandon him. I know that some of you may disagree with my take on this but unless you have ever dealt with someone with an addiction you can not claim to know what I should do or what you would do in my position.

HOWEVER... with that said, I have also decided to take Tink's advice and draw a line in the sand.

I will not let him hurt me any more. (Well... there will still be hurts as we go through this process together but I'm not going to stand by and just take his anger.) If he can not be respectful on the phone I will not speak to him. If he can not be respectful when we visit, we will leave. I realize now that I have put up with far to much for far to long and I need to draw some lines and stick with them.

If Jake does not want to go to additional treatment I can not force him. I have spent far too many years thinking that I could fix him. I can't. He is an addict (he has at least admitted that) and only he can fix himself. However, I will not abandon him at this time. Right now he is frustrated with his situation and trying to work through everything in his own mind.

If once he starts counseling (nope not yet... still sitting in the psych ward with the crazies remember?) he decides that he will not do additional treatment than I will help him by helping myself and walking away. I know that it will be the hardest thing I will ever do but I have learned a lot over the past two weeks and part of that is that I have AMAZING friends and family members who will be here to help Zack and I in any way that they can.

For that... I can not thank you all enough.


JessOlson said...

Boundries, Consequenes, Lines in the sand all good things to have in the situation you are in. I think you are so desperate for normalcy and the idea of Jake that you easily forgive and forget. Like Saturday he was disrespectful to you in front of your son but today he called to apologize and now we are all well and "fine". Excuse me? Let me say for you what you haven't said "NO ONE disrespects me in the manner in which you have chosen to, I am busting my ass to save our house and pay our bills, I am being the best mother I know how to be and doing it alone, I have gone through more shit in the past ten years at the hands of you.You will not make desicions that effect my life ANYMORE!"
I too will not tell you to stay or to go....But I will say....I hope the lines you have drawn for yourself are lines in the concrete and you have truly learned that you deserve more. There are no more chances. There are no more steps back. AND Unless or until Jake can or wants to be a productive husband and father you will not except anything less. Getting you to see how much you deserve this has been quite the chore but I think I will add a couple of letters behind my name when I accomplish it.

OH and as far as what your sister had to say...Maybe she likes Jake, maybe she doesn't, maybe what she meant to say is that she doesn't like Jake for you, maybe her heart is broken for you having to watch you go through this and not being able to help (I've been there).... either way I am sure that she loves you and only wants the best for you! At least she had the courage to tell you, as hard as it may have been to hear. If your sister can't be honest with you who can?

Lindsay said...

You have very smart friends and I would listen to them more because sometimes love is blind and you refuse to accept whats staring you in the face. I have never hidden my dislike for Jake. It's not a coincidence that we went from never taking keys out of cars before you started dating, since then everything has some sort of security attached to it. I do give him some credit that he does know how to be sneaky and never get caught and always have a lie to give. He has never treated you right and you always end up just trying to change him and it never works. I know they say that opposites attract but you two are at two opposite ends of the spectrum. You have different activities, different goals in life, and two totaly different thought processes. You are wasting your life trying to fix his everyday and never considering yourself or what you need and I think you need to take a look at what kind of role model you are giving your son and if you continue to let Jake walk all over you, Zack is going to grow up thinking that is acceptable and you will have a Jake Jr. on your hands. I just think that now that you have someone more than your self to worry about you need to think about things more.

Krista said...

Congratulations on deciding where your boundaries are. I really, really hope you don't need them. But if you do, I know you are strong enough.

Good luck

spellconjurer said...

wanna come to Michigan for an all inclusive holiday? We'll carpool from here, down to Florida for a free vacation with Tink!!!!! You deserve a minute to just breathe and be surrounded by support, love, and friendship.

KK's Mom said...

Hi Heather. I'm sorry that things are so tough right now. Your posts are reminding me of feelings and emotions I struggled with during my first marriage. My ex wasn't addicted to drugs, but he was addicted to spending money on really stupid things. ALL of our money on REALLY stupid things. Okay, fine, I'll tell you what stupid things, but it's embarrasing and I am NOT joking. "Collectible" sports cards. Believe me, I know how stupid that sounds and it doesn't really compare to the hurt that drug addiction causes. But I'll tell you it really is heartbreaking when the person you love takes the money you've been saving for your 5th Anniversary vacation and buys a Dennis Rodman rookie card and THEN further empties your savings account to buy a plane ticket to California in the hopes that he might, just might, get Dennis Rodman to sign the stupid f*ing card at a basketball game. And I won't even tell you what he bought after selling our car by forging my signature. Of course there were many more issues, but this comment is long enough already! Needless to say, we got divorced after seven years. I really did love him, but I couldn't continue to live the way he expected me to and there was a point when I knew he just wouldn't change. Now I have a great husband (though not perfect) and a beautiful daughter. I'm not saying you should get divorced. In fact, I think you should give Jake the opportunity to accept the chance you are giving him to get help and get through treatment. Although I'm sure it seems like a lifetime, it's only been two weeks since he's been offered a true chance! Don't give up on him yet...but don't move those lines that you have drawn either! jessolson said it perfectly (and it actually made me back away from my computer screen and say "wow!") so I'll borrow it and paste it again below so you can read it at least one more time. You're worth it.

"NO ONE disrespects me in the manner in which you have chosen to, I am busting my ass to save our house and pay our bills, I am being the best mother I know how to be and doing it alone, I have gone through more shit in the past ten years at the hands of you.You will not make desicions that [negatively] effect my life ANYMORE!"

I can't believe I actually shared this story on the internet. And I'm sorry for the assvice. If anything, I hope I made you laugh a little (although I still admit that I'm not joking.)

You're doing better than most people would do in this situation. Take care of you and your family, and do what you need to do to be strong and healthy. You'll know what that is when you're ready.

stella said...

jess is right. Boundries, consequences for your actions. Lindsay is right. Love is blind. It's hard to accept that our loved one is not the perfect person we picture in our minds. Now that you have established your boundries, you have to communicate thoroughly to Jake, what is accepted behavior and what is not. And what the consequences of that behavior will be. Actions speak louder than words. Give him the chance to prove by his actions and behaviors that he can be a loving husband and father. If he crosses that line, then stick to your guns, have a plan and let him deal with the consequences. He's got to learn that its not "all about Jake".

Tink said...

I second SC. You girls (and baby) are more than welcome to come to Florida for a little sun, sand, and mai tais! Hang in there.