Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Empty Space

Here we are, a week and a half after I last posted and I'm staring into the empty space of a posting box, not quite sure what to put here.

On the 27th Zack saw FoTB for nine hours. In that nine hours, from what I can gather from Zack and from the timeline of when he was brought home FoTB worked on his car, fought with his girlfriend, didn't feed Zack lunch till 3:30 pm and then dragged him along on an outing to buy things for his boat. (He didn't have $320 to give Zack health insurance last month but he has that money and probably more to spend on his boat this month?) He gets nine hours every two weeks to spend with his son and that is how he chooses to spend it?

He dropped him off at 5:00 on Saturday night and we did not hear from him again until he picked Zack up on Wednesday evening.

FoTB saw Zack a week ago for his Wednesday visit. We have not heard from him since. I assume he is going to pick him up for another visit tonight. I have no guarantees. I will, as I have done so many Wednesday's before, head home right after work. Our house is 5 minutes from his daycare. Daycare closes at 6:00. I figure as long as I am at home, if he fails to show up, I can be there in 5 minutes. Thus far, he has yet to fail to show up but I never have 100% confidence in that.

I was talking to Jim about all of this last night and no matter how many ways I try to look at it I just don't get it. He went into mediation fighting with all of his might to see Zack. To be in his life. To have as much time with him as possible. Yet, here we are three weeks later and a counseling appointment has yet to be made. In fact, a counselor has yet to be picked.

And now this... seven full days without any contact with your child. Seven full days without even so much as a text to see how he was doing, how he had been, where he had been, etc.

Seven full days of nothing.

Why fight so hard to see him if you are not really going to want to be in his life?

I came to terms with some of this last week. I made my peace with the relationship they are destined to have. I no longer try to make things better for them. Zack has a dad in his life to fill that void and right now, it is probably better that FoTB not call at all. Better to not call then to half a$$ call because he feels like he has to or because someone is making him.

Zack has asked about him a grand total of zero times in the last week. That makes a grand total of zero times in the last two and a half years he has asked me about him or asked to see him so I guess I should not be surprised, yet there is still a part of me that is sad.

I'm not sad for FoTB... he is a POS in my book and if he stopped calling and showing up tomorrow I would not miss him in the slightest. No, I am sad for Zack. If FoTB had walked away, signed over his rights and said that he thought Jim and I could give Zack a better life I could have explained that to Zack. Explained that his dad needed to figure things out and he loved him enough to walk away and allow Zack a chance at a better life.

But what he is doing now, holding on like Zack is a possession, worrying solely about himself and being unwilling to put Zack's needs first. That part will be much harder to explain. The fact that he was given a million and one opportunities to do what was right for Zack, to fix their relationship, to be in his life in a positive manner and the blew every single one of them.... that part will be much harder to explain. Much harder for Zack to understand....

A friend of mine sent me a quote last night. It's from Dr. Phil whom I don't usually listen to a whole lot but I think it really applies here:

In order to be a parent, a good constructive parent, it takes more than the
absence of negatives; it takes the presence of a whole lot of positives.

When FoTB talks about being in Zack's life, he talks about the absence of negatives, he has yet to give any positive reasons. That part I struggle with. The courts focus on the absence of negatives but as a mom, I want positives that he is bringing to Zack's life and thus far, I haven't found any.....


Anonymous said...

There are days where I have felt really bad that Mackenzie didn't have a relationship with her bio dad. But those thoughts are usually short lived, he would have been like FotB, if not worse.

I hope that things get better and soon. I hope that the counselor is found, and that he sees clearly what is going on.

I love your quote. It is so true.

Anonymous said...

Great quote and good post.
Jake doesn't have any idea how to be a parent. He has never been present. And I don't know what kind of example he has to work with. He doesn't know anything about how Zack works,thinks or feels. It's too bad and it's his huge loss. Jake has a lot of maturing to do until he can come to terms with family and a child. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to help him get there, so you are correct to put your focus on Zack and your family. You and Jim are doing a great job.