A Life Well Lived

Two weeks ago, in the wee hours of the morning on August 29th, my cousin lost his will to live. He had a disagreement with his wife, one that I have learned seemed to be a frequent occurrence in the last few months, and he went up into the mountains that he loved so much and ended it all. He left behind two children. 8 and 10.

Two days later, I found out that a girl I went to high school with, a girl who has had medical struggles all of her life, was dying of cancer. On Monday she lost her fight. Her son is a few days shy of three months.

Two lives lost in two very different ways. Three children left without a parent to watch them grow up.

All of this loss has got me really thinking about things lately. About the things I want for my life and the things I want for Zack. We have suspended the search for a counselor. It has been four weeks as of Monday since we were in mediation and we have had no luck getting FoTB or his lawyer to make a decision.

As a parent, I had to make a decision. If I keep pushing, there is a possibility that the new counselor will not see right through FoTB. That the new counselor will believe his lies and will say that it is ok for Zack to have to spend the night there again. I need to keep that from happening as best I can and right now, the way to do that is to keep quiet.

The longer we go without a counselor, the longer we go with no overnights. Right now, what is in Zack's best interest is no overnights. When those two people died, I realized that I can no longer fight for a relationship that FoTB does not seem to want. (He says he does... but his actions speak MUCH louder than his words)

I have to spend as much of my time with Zack as I can and make sure that MY relationship with him is everything I want it to be. Life is short, and if mine ended tomorrow, I would want him to know that I spent every moment I could trying to make sure he was happy and safe.

Right now, that entails keeping him home with us as much as possible.

Last night we did a project for his daycare. We had to draw our hand prints and write what we loved about Zack in the middle. He then helped us decorate them. After drawing and dinner and general goofing around, it was 8:15 and time for bed. Not once did we turn on the TV. Not once did we tell him to just leave us alone and go play.

For two hours last night he had our undivided attention and today, he knows just a little bit more, that what is most important to us is not stuff and things we have to get done. It is him.

Those are the things I want him to remember. Those are the things I have been reminded of in the last two weeks. The things that my friend knew, in her last moments, the things my cousin lost sight of in his.

For when my time is over, I want people to know that my life was well lived and my family was well loved.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." -Unknown