It's Not You... It's Me...

Life has been getting in the way of me being here lately. Life has been getting in the way of a lot. My bloglines has over 600 unread posts in it, yet I click on it and then I click away. Today my mind is with my little boy. I have two more hours until I can go pick him up and it can't go fast enough.

Today, this week, this month, my little man is struggling and it breaks my heart to see it happen.

At the risk of my ex or his family stumbling across this post, I must put this out there. My ex has no bond with my son. He was gone for the first 7 months of his life. He came back in a full father capacity for about 7 months and then he just slowly slipped out of our lives again. Ending with that final memory that Zack has of him throwing things at my head and threatening to kill me.

He doesn't want to go there and with this girlfriend thing it appears that J is wanting him there less and less. On the 9th we had to cancel the visit because of the snow storm. On the 13th, he threw a HUGE fit when he had to go to his dad's and then they cut the visit short because J had new tires to install on his car. On the 16th he had to go to some funeral visitation for a woman he didn't know who was once married to a guy he works with. On the 19th I got a text at 5:02 asking if I was on my way because he had somewhere to be. He practically shoved Zack at me as he bolted for the door. He pulled away and was gone before I even had him in his car seat. Then Wednesday he didn't take him because Zack had pink eye and he didn't want to risk getting it.

This morning was the culmination. A series of I don't want to go's followed by a couple of crying fits. I finally convinced him to go with me so he could open some presents and told him I wouldn't leave unless he told me to. He walked in and made it a point to tell daddy that he was not going to stay all day. Just for a little bit. I'm going with mommy to work. Yes, he choose work over being there. He's been to my work. It's boring. He sits on a chair and watches a movie, yet THAT is what he wanted to do.

I sat on their floor for 30 minutes of them asking him are you going to stay here? Can mommy go to work now, etc. before they finally opened a toy he was pretty interested in and he agreed that he would stay and I could go. All I've been able to think about all day is that if he cries for me they won't call. If he's upset I won't know it. 5:00 can NOT get here fast enough.

Next weekend there will be no new presents for me to entice him with. Next weekend it will be sink or swim. And as much as I want to have an opinion one way or the other I have completely taken myself out of this. J has made his own choices on the priorities in his life and now Zack is making his own choices on where he spends his time.

And me, I'm just the one who worries. Stuck in the middle. :-)

Feels Like Today

I Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away

But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...

It feels like today I know
It feels like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then
It feels like today
Feels like today

-- Rascal Flatts

Things here are a little crazy. The situation with J is becoming worse and worse. He has a new girlfriend and she is requiring most of his attention. Unfortunately that also includes the time he was spending with his son. While this doesn't affect me in the slightest, it does affect my son and I'm trying to find the best way to deal with it.

I know her name, I've seen her picture, it took all I had not to send her his printout from the Iowa Courts Online website to make sure she knew who she was really with. Then my sponsor said something to me. She has a higher power, he has a higher power, neither one is me. It is not my place to warn her. Maybe her higher power has something that he wants her to learn from this situation, maybe J's has something he needs to learn from her. Not my place to interfere in that.

It was funny to me, I really... REALLY thought seeing her picture, knowing who she was would bother me but it didn't. It didn't even phase me. Not one small, itty bitty bit. And that was my revelation moment. The moment that I knew I was finally moving forward. I am over it. I'm done and I'm happy and all that stuff that I carried around for so long is finally gone. It is a part of my life but it is no longer a part of my current life. I just get to be happy, 100% head over heals in love and happy. And I like it a lot.

Other than that, work is ramping up (which is where I've been) and Zack has pink eye so luckily Lindsay came into town a day early and was able to watch him at my parents house today. Otherwise I was going to have to stay home today. Perhaps Zack didn't get the memo, festive is ok, but your eyes being red is not festive... it's just inconvenient. :-)

If I don't make it here again before Christmas I hope you all have a WONDERFUL holiday!!

Thursday Thoughts

Just because it only costs $4 more dollars to order 20 more Christmas cards does not mean you actually NEED 20 more Christmas cards.

Anyone want a Christmas card? Send me your address. I have lots. About 20 to be specific. :-)

Friday Confessionals: Wednesday Edition

Ok, I've been trying to write this since last Friday but life has sort of gotten in the way. Running here, going there, it's not tax season yet but it is close enough for me to smell it. Close enough for me to be VERY stressed about it coming. Not sure why. It comes every year, it leaves every year but yet every year all of the worst things in my life tend to bombard me during that 2 1/2 months (not that Zack was a worst... he was great... he just had bad timing)

So here it is for all of you:

I am terrified that I will screw up things with M and I'm trying really hard to just let things happen as they happen but it is always in the back of my mind.

Now the rest of the story (as Paul Harvey used to say....) Two months ago Zack met M and he LOVES him. He will see the picture of the two of us on my phone and talk about him. M plays games with Zack. Last weekend he played football with Zack. M has a brother and his brother has a nephew. Every other Sunday we go over to his brother's house and while we all watch football Zack plays with M's nephew. He loves it and he asks me when we get to go again.

This terrifies me in ways I can't even explain to you. I have questioned M over and over again on this. I am so scared that I will screw this up for Zack. That he will fall in love with this man and his family and then they will leave us too.

Two weeks ago a guy in my office got married. It was a quickie thing and immediately everyone started asking me if I was next and it made all of this worse. I know exactly the things that happened in my marriage that were my fault. Several of which I have been able to avoid with M simply by the virtue of the fact that he doesn't live with me.

Them asking me that question actually made me panic a bit whole hell of a lot!! All I could think of was all of the things I have been avoiding. The controlling nature that I have that is gone. Is it gone because I'm better or because he is not with me every day? The thought of living with someone seemed to bring on way more panic. Right now I don't have to know where he is all the time or what he's doing. He doesn't live with me. Unless he's supposed to be at my house and he's not, the rest of it I can completely let go of. It is the same with money, time, chores, etc.

I'm scared that I haven't let go of all of that. That it will spring back up the moment someone moves in with me. What if I'm not better I've just let go of it because of the situation? At the end of the day I realize the the simple act of acknowledging that these thing existed means that I am in a different place than I was when I didn't even know what the problem was. And I'm also well aware of the fact that at some point in my life I will probably live with someone again and I will have to face this then, it just scares me now.

So there you have it. I'm crazy. M hates it when I say that. He says I'm not more crazy than any other woman, that we are all a little bit crazy. :-) Yet, I feel like worrying about something I can't control is nuts. Still I find it coming into my mind when I'm in the shower, in the car, at lunch, falling asleep at night, etc.

I guess this is why I still keep going to my Al-anon meetings. Because I'm not in that relationship anymore, yet I still have some of the residuals that I'm still dealing with. One day at a time, I know I'll get past this panic. I'm just glad that it doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow... or even in the next couple of months. :-)

The Making Of Pizzas

First you take the dough (or in this case pre-made pillsburry buscuits) and you squish it...

Squish it...

Then you take the sauce and you spread it... spread it...

Then you take the peperoni and you eat it...

Oh wait... I mean put it on the pizzas....

Then you take the cheese and you top them... top them...

Then you take the pizzas and you bake them... bake them....

Blizzard or Tornado

I forget, was it a blizzard outside or a tornado inside?

This is what happens when I attempt to do some work, even for a few minutes. Check your work e-mail... ha!! I'll teach you to ignore me!!

Trying to Find My Road....

Oh wait... I think if you squint you might be able to see it....

608 Closings/Delays through out the state.

My office is closed for the first time in the seven years I've been there.

The malls are closed.

The interstates are closed.

Guess it's a good day to stay home!!

Tuesday Talks

I need to wear my snow boots today mommy because it snowed outside.

******************

Maybe I can play outside in the snow at daycare.

I don't know if they will let you play outside, it's kind of cold today.

The snow is not cold!!

Yes it is.

No it is not!!

Oh yes it is!

Oh no it is NOT Mommy!!

Christmas Card Photo Shoot

On Friday Miss Katie came over and took a few pictures of Zack and I for our Christmas Card. They turned out wonderful and I had a hard time choosing so there will be four pictures of us on the card this year!! :-)

I forgot to save a picture of the card before I ordered it, so you will have to see the finished product a little later, but here are the five pictures that Katie sent me from our photo shoot.

The Notebook

As most of you know we are, at the moment, DHS involved. I have been reluctant to discuss any details of this on the old blog because of J's family still reading and even now I'm reluctant in case they find me but I will give you a brief update. The more detailed info I am still saving for Through the Looking Glass, just in case.

Basically, in my opinion, he is clean, he is not sober. To me being sober means working a program, getting right with yourself and trying to better your life. It feels very much to me like J is standing still, not moving forward. DHS and I both feel like it is just a matter of time before he relapses. I'm not sure how I feel about this at all. Zack loves his daddy. But I very much feel like it is a love for a big brother or a older friend, not a daddy. If you know me in real life you will know that this is not a slam, it is just that J was gone for the first 7 months of his life then back for a few than basically non-existent as a care giver for the last 18 months. Zack doesn't know him in that capacity.

For that reason, I waited 5 months to introduce him to M. I waited for a reason and that reason is that Zack LOVES him. He's only hung out with him a few times but he talks about him and wants to see him more. M to him is a man with mommy who holds that daddy capacity more than he has ever seen J hold. Again, not a slam, just a fact.

So, as we are DHS involved we have to do some things that normal parents trying to co-parent do not. Like I said, J is clean, but not sober. So he shows up. He does what he has to but his desire for extra time with Zack seems to be limited. His desire to better himself and do everything within his power to get extra time with Zack is also not there. Again, not going to put a lot of it here in case this site is found but it will go Through the Looking Glass this weekend.

Anyhow, because of all of this we now have to pass a notebook back and forth. A notebook which was supposed to be a way for us to communicate better about Zack. The point of it was lost on J and his mom. Somewhere in translation they thought that it meant that they were to write down everything that Zack does in an effort to jump through some proverbial hoop and gain more access to him. A thing that it seems like his mom is fighting for more than him.

This notebook is a big point of contention with me. I'm angry about it, as I am about a lot of things I have to do for DHS. I LOVE our DHS worker and the Children & Families in home counselor that we have. It is not them at all. It's just the general idea that I have to write in a notebook how he is supposed to parent our child. All of the things a parent should know but he claims he doesn't.

The reason we have this notebook is because he said he's never raised a two year old before and so he doesn't know what to do. Guess what, I've never done it either. But if there is something I want to know I read about it, I ask about it, I find any and all resources to use that I can. When Zack started having aggression problems I didn't just throw up my hands and say I've never done this before, I don't know what to do. I started researching it, I reached out to DHS and C&F, I started calling counselors, I did what I needed to do to try to find answers.

Somewhere in all of this it appears as if he and his mom have gotten it in their head that it is their right to parent Zack. That because he donated sperm he should be allowed to see him. Nothing I have said, or nothing DHS has said has ever made them realize that with two founded DHS convictions and one criminal child endangerment conviction he should be damn lucky that he gets to see him at all. But say that to them and they get offended.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to update you on what is going on and give you a little insight into what I'm dealing with. It is hard and it makes me angry a lot. There are days where I take it one moment at a time and keep reminding myself that even if he is never truly a dad, Zack will be better for at least having some sort of relationship with him as long as it is healthy.

And right now it is. He just hangs out with his grandma and daddy and plays. He is in no physical danger, it's just the best parenting decisions may not always be made.

Lost Cause

A week ago Sunday I went to try to find a pair of underwear for Zack only to discover that the poor child had no underwear. Not like an old ratty pair that I could put him in, no... none. Zero, zip, zilch.

In my defense, I had just had surgery a little over a week previously and was unsure I could carry the laundry basket up the stairs so I had been waiting. However, I guess I didn't realize the dire straights we were in. So, that's easy. I own a washing machine and a dryer, I would just do a few loads.

I would send Zack to bed commando (which he totally thought was the coolest thing ever) and set about washing the clothes. The first thing on my list was the bathroom rugs. Oh, did I forget to mention the whole reason the underwear situation was discovered in the first place was that while using the potty, he missed. Dousing the rugs, his clothes and his legs. Isn't having little boys fun?

So, the rugs had been washing while we were eating dinner. After dinner I put Zack in the bath and then before I took him upstairs I decided to switch the laundry. To give you a visual, my three year old is standing in our kitchen in nothing but a towel and I am switching laundry.

I went to turn the knob to set the time it came off in my hand. Like so....

No big deal I figured, three year old still buck naked in the kitchen, I will just get a pair of pliers and turn the nob. So I do, I get my pliers and I set about turning and then I try to pull. I turn and I pull and I turn and I pull and nothing happens. The dryer will NOT turn on.

At this point I'm panicking a bit. Zack has shed his towel and is now running around buck naked and I call my mom. What do I do? I'm turning the knob and pulling but the dryer won't turn on. Is there a trick? She tells me she doesn't know but that if I wash a pair of his underwear they will surely be dry by morning so at least there is that.

So I hang up with her and continue with the turning and the panicking. I text M. FML... Ugg... give him the reader's digest version of what is happening all the while still turning the knob with my handy pliers and trying to pull out to turn the dryer on. Nothing. I check the knob for little hidden switches, I consider super gluing the plastic back together so the knob will work, I hold it up to the dryer to make sure I'm turning the knob to the correct position all of it to no avail.

By this point it has been a good 20 minutes. Zack is, of course, loving his opportunity to pretend to be part of a nudist colony and also the extra time to stay up past bed time. I, on the other hand am still panicking when I stop, take a deep breath and step back from the dryer.

It is at this point that it dawns on me....

No amount of pulling on that knob is ever going to get my dryer to turn on, but turning the button that says turn to start might just do the trick.

Ummm... yeah... can we say blond moment. So come on, spill, I can't be the only one who has done something really stupid like this. What is your uhh... duh moment?

Fuzzy....

Sorry to disappear on you like that. I know what you're thinking, she moves the blog, posts for a bit and then runs away again. It's not that, really. One of the children in my son's daycare class or possibly one of the many people that I bumped into in the cesspool of germs that we call black Friday shopping gave me a cold. And now... my head is all fuzzy.

Last night was the first time all week I was semi conscious after 8:00 and it was spent paying bills because let's face it, I love you all but a girl has to pay the house payment.

So here I am, once again trying to play catchup. I'm going to put up 4 - 6 posts and schedule them for today, tomorrow and this weekend. (Because really, you don't want to read them all at once, I don't claim for even one moment to be that interesting.)

Oh, and as a quick side note, I would like to thank all of you who took the time to e-mail me or leave me comments and follow me over here. It means a lot to me. I spent a good period of time debating on moving the blog because I wasn't sure who would come with me. Also, it was wonderful to hear the stories of how some of you found me and why you keep coming back. Hopefully I won't disappoint....

Well, let the writing begin.