Friday, May 21, 2010

The Goings On....

Lest you all continue to think my life is 100% sunshine and roses let me fill you in on a little bit of what has been going on with the ex. I hesitate to continue to use his name here as I would like to cut out all googleability as quickly as possible so I need to think of an acronym for him. FOtB (Father of the Boy??) FOB... which could easily be changed to SOB on a bad day??

Either way, I have not written a lot about this because quite frankly I wasn't even sure where to begin. As most of you know we have been DHS involved for over a year now. Yesterday was actually one full year since FoTB had his first visit with Zack after this incident. One full year of supervised visits. 11 hours a week with his son. On the 3rd of May we FINALLY moved him to unsupervised visits and this weekend is the first time he is supposed to have Zack both Saturday AND Sunday.

He has to work on Saturday. Possibly all day. And that... my dear internet readers is how it is going. That is how it has been going for a year now.

There have been parts of the last year where I was waiting for someone to jump out from behind a tree and begin yelling JERRY.... JERRY!! Or perhaps, you're on candid camera, no one's life can really be this way!!!

I've hesitated to post a lot of it here because a lot of it isn't my story to tell. The things that they do, the choices that they make that don't effect me, or Zack really aren't my business. But recently we've run into a situation with appropriate times to introduce Zack to people.

I don't imagine that this is a situation unique to me in any way. I would guess that this is probably a problem that a lot of divorced couples face. Unique to me only in the extreme way in which it has presented its self.

Let me explain. In November FOtB began dating someone. Within two months she was at every Saturday visit he had with Zack. Let me remind you he sees his son 11 hours a week. You can't spend one on one time with your son for 11 hours? Really? Will you just miss her too terribly?

So she was there... every Saturday. And Zack started acting out. He didn't want to go, we would see behaviors at home, we were seeing behaviors at daycare, etc. With as little time as he got with FOtB I'm guessing having her there was just making him jealous/angry. Now if she was a long time girlfriend, this is an issue we would have to address. As it was, with her so new to his life, I just didn't feel this was at all fair to Zack.

So I addressed it with FOtB. I asked him to please not bring her to visits. Please make sure she is going to be in your life for awhile, etc. I was met with resistance. He loved her. She was the best thing to ever happen to his life. (Yes... after three months....) He was happy with her. She was going to be around for a long while, etc.

Then after month four, they broke up. In a blaze of glory and he packed up all of his things from her house (he had basically moved in with her and her four girls.. ok... just to see your reaction she was 31 and her oldest was 17... in another town) and moved back to his mom's house. I believe this was a Thursday. They then spent the next three days saying how awful she was and how he never loved her, etc.

On Sunday she called, he went running and they were suddenly back together again and in love. (Are you looking for Jerry Springer now too??) So again, at a counseling appointment of Zack's I took the opportunity to mention that perhaps until the dust settled a bit he should not be bringing her to visits.

He resisted. It was just a little fight. He loved her. He was happy. The happiest he has ever been and he was going to keep bringing her around because she wanted to get to know Zack and she was going to be a part of his life for a long time.

Cue two to three weeks later. FOtB tries to call and talk to Zack. Zack says no, I tell FOtB no and suddenly he puts HER on the phone with me. It doesn't go well. I did not have nice things to say. I put on a movie for Zack and excused myself to the outdoors where I may have yelled something such as, "Don't you EVEN F%$^ing tell me ANYTHING about MY son!!" And I may have also mentioned something about how I didn't understand where she got off saying anything to me because she was just another one of FOtB's games and was she too stupid to see that when they broke up he was calling another girl on his way back home from her house?


Things for them sort of fell apart after that. FOtB was searched by the police the next day for possible involvement in a robbery a year ago. (For what it's worth I know he did it but they can't prove it.... there is a part of me that wishes they could....) Apparently the little gem of information I told her, put together with the police presence was a bit much for her and surprise, surprise... they broke up again.

This is Tuesday.... cue Wednesday, his mom's long time live in boyfriend, the only grandpa that Zack has known on that side of the family moves out. On Friday I get a call from him informing me that she has been cheating on him for six months and now has her new boyfriend over at the house so don't be surprised if he is there when I pick up Zack that weekend.

On Saturday I went to get Zack and there he was. Talk about confusing the child. His grandpa moves out on Wednesday and Saturday grandma brings around the new boyfriend. He's not going to know which way is up with these people.

Within in a couple of weeks, FOtB also had a new girlfriend. Cue Sunday, May 2nd, a month since he broke up with the last GF and I show up at his house and who is there but the NEW GF.

OMFG..... where are those cameras again?? I'm looking behind trees, under cars... really they MUST be around her somewhere.

I ask him about her and he lies. She is the daughter of his mom's friend. No one he's seeing....

Monday, Zack had a counseling appointment and I confronted him on it. He finally admitted who she was. He had every excuse in the book why she was there. None of them good. We go back to see the counselor and we have yet ANOTHER discussion on why it is not appropriate to continue to bring people in and out of Zack's life.

ANOTHER discussion about how his bond with FOtB is still forming after everything that happened and how it is important for him to spend ONE on ONE time with FOtB, etc, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat discussion.....

Then that night there is a meeting with DHS. Where, once again we discuss that it is important for it to only be FOtB and Zack at visits. That FOtB needs to make sure he has been dating someone awhile before he brings them to visits. That Zack does not need a million people in and out of his life, etc.

On Wed of this week I went to pick up Zack from FOtB's house and he asked me if he could take Zack to a movie with the GF and her son.....


When I tried to reiterate to him that it was not appropriate all I got was attitude. He IS serious about this one. She IS different than the last one.

He has known her less than two months.

The counselor, DHS and I all have told him it needs to be at least four to preferably six months before he brings her around.

I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall here.

On Saturday I'm going to tell him September. I'm hoping that by giving him a concrete date it will make the timeline a little more real to him.

I am not holding my breath.

Are you screaming out JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! yet? Because if you're not, you might want to start... there is more of this where that came from......

1 comment:

OMH said...

JEEEERRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY come out come out wherever you are!

This would be surprising if you were dealing with the average FOtB but you know that beating your head against a brick wall is exactly what you have been doing for years and years. I pray that something happens that wakes him up before peanut is hurt yet again! But sounds like the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.